Hayden Panettiere Is Super Pregnant

With all the unrest happening in the world right now, we seemed to have overlooked what appears to be a scientific breakthrough in interspecies procreation, because garden gnome  Hayden Panettiere attended the Enmmys last night still carrying Russian government experiment Wladimir Klitschko‘s unborn “child”. It’s only a matter of time before it claws through her vagina and terrorizes villagers and disemboweling farm animals for sport, but his mother looks absolutely radiant here. She also seems to have gotten pregnant in her ass. I slept through most of my biology classes so I didn’t know that was a thing.

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Hayden Panettiere Talks About Having Sex With This

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On Ellen today, Hayden Panettiere discusses how she defies physics and laws of nature to have sex with what scientists believe is a Russian cyborg who was built in a lab…what? Surrounded by living tissue!! I…need to see h..most of the records were lost in the war. Skynet knew almost nothing about Panettiere. Her full name, where she lived. They just knew the city. Wladimir was just being systematic. I just need to sp..look! You have heard enough! I have answered your questions! Just tell m…then why am I talking to you? Who is in authority here?! Us Magazine reports:

During her Tuesday appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the Scream 4 star opened up about the very personal question curious folks ask most–regarding her much taller Ukranian heavyweight boxer boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko. “He is quite a bit bigger than me,” the 5’1″ starlet, 21, said of her 6’6″ beau, 35. “I get the prudest people coming up to me and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’ Yeah, it works. We find a way,” the Heroes alum said. “Where there is a will, there is a way!” Panettiere quipped about sex with Klitschko. She began dating Klitschko after her February 2009 breakup with her 33-year-old Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia. “[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know,” she explained. “Like, ‘I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I’m really sorry but…'”

Just looking at the banner picture, my vagina hurts and my cervix is in traction and I have neither of those things. Let’s just all assume that her vagina’s nickname is “Rihanna”.

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Mark Sanchez Is Great At Making Life Decisions



Although he makes Jess’ dead and dormant vagina tingle, doctors will soon be asking if New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez if his legs tingle, because he apparently is trying to bang Hayden Panettiere. The same Hayden Panettiere who is currently dating this guy, 6’6″ former heavyweight champion and Russian, Wladimir Klitschko. Again, she’s dating this guy. What could go wrong? Page Six reports:

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez really seems to be fond of alluring Hayden Panettiere. The two were spotted Wednesday night at Beacher’s Madhouse in LA, where they shared cocktails and whispered to each other. A witness said, “They were clearly trying to hide their affection. They used their friends as a buffer, but it didn’t work so well.” Panettiere was also seen chatting away with Sanchez at a party in LA in February, and the two partied together with other friends in Vegas two weeks ago….Panettiere is currently in a long-distance relationship with giant Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, and sources insist she’s “just friends” with Sanchez..

This story might not be true because Hayden is over 18, but if it is, Sanchez might want to throw acid in his face and leave the country so nobody will ever be able to recognize him. Because if he doesn’t, I’m pretty sure Klitschko will wear a necklace made out of his spine and fingers while he buttfucks Hayden Panettiere and makes Sanchez watch as his life slowly leaves his body. Or something like that.

The body that launched Mark Sanchez’s vertebrae:

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Bring Your Dad To Work Day



Hayden Panettiere and Wladimir Klitschko attended an event in Hamburg, Germany this weekend where whatever it is they’re doing is considered legal. If it isn’t obvious by now, Hayden Panettiere’s daddy issues could be harnessed and used to power a giant robot who we can beam down when needed from the spacestation Skyvault. First she dated 32-year old Milo Ventiwhateverthefuck and now Klitschko. If you threw a guy under 30 at her there’s a good chance she’d burst into flames.

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