Whitney Port Is Still Alive, In A Bikini



Whitney Port was on a show once about pretty white people with problems (like, OMG, they’re the worst!), except she’s not really pretty and the problems were scripted and manipulated through editing for maximum drama because a lot of you are stupid. Anyway, here she is in a bikini. Too bad we can edit this. I mean, what’s up with her hips? Was she just cast in Real Housewives Of The Frontier? Bitch looks like she needs to be in a covered wagon. Then I’ll circle it and rape her. Then steal everything off the wagon. I don’t know. I think that was kinda our thing back then. Holla back.

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Whitney Port Is A Maybe



Whenever I read Whitney Port’s name in magazines it’s always followed with “the sexy star of The Hills”, so I wasn’t really sure why magazines would lie to me because I never did anything to them, and to be honest, even though other magazines looked at me, I never let it go any further that innocent flirting because monogamy is very important to me just like trust and open comunication. However, this is probably the best I’ve ever seen her look. Although that’s really not saying much. Her bikini bottom makes her look like a 70’s porn star whose about to give birth to a badger. I’m not a swimsuit designer, but I can’t shake the feeling that this may not be this summer’s hottest new look.

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The Hills Stars Are Sexy



It comes with a great sense of pride that I say that I’ve never seen one single episode of The Hills, but from what I’m told, it’s a show about young beautiful people and their problems. Beautiful people like Whitney Port. I’m so gonna have to watch this show now because it’s obvious she’s some sort of beautiful fairy tale princess.

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OMG! Like, No Way!



Guess what? The Hills is fake, scripted crap.

They call MTV’s “The Hills” a “reality” show, but we’ve had our doubts for some time. Fueling our skepticism, on Tuesday night, the star, Lauren Conrad, showed up at Da Silvano for dinner with three friends and a camera crew. One irked diner told us, “It was clear that this show is not a reality show. They took five takes of Lauren ordering dinner. The film crew took over the outside eating area by setting up lights and cameras everywhere. They should go back to California.”

I’ve never had the attention span to sit through one episode of this dumb show, so I don’t have anything to say other than if you thought this “reality show” was “real” then you’re too dumb to function. Please send us your mailing address so we can send you a short bus and helmet custom made for your big, dumb head.

Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port filming at Da Silvano on August 14th:

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