“Thank you for this award and somebody tell John Mayer to stop posting everything I wear to his Pinterest. We get it.”
Earlier this week it was announced that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis split after 14 years together. You’d think the reason would have been Depp finally realizing he was dating Vanessa Paradis, but turns out she’s just a dead lay now. Radar Online reports:
“Johnny didn’t want to be with Vanessa anymore. They had grown so far apart, and he wanted to be free and try new things,” a source close to the former couple tells RadarOnline.com. “He was bored senseless with her, being with Vanessa was making him miserable. “The spark had gone, and there was nothing left. Johnny just wants more from life and believes Vanessa deserves to be happier too. He’s not embroiled in some hot and heavy new romance and he has no plans to jump straight into something straight away, but he is keen to have some fun again. “Johnny was not handling keeping their split secret too well, it was difficult for him to carry on a farce, so now that it is out in the public he is feeling a lot happier about the situation.” “Johnny has wanted this relationship to end since last year,” the source says. “He has tried to get out of this for a long time.”
I know saying that Paradis is a “French model with a unique look” is just a nice way of saying she’s horrifically unattractive. She looks like the government let Sean Connery out of prison because she’s trying to take over Fraggle Rock. Plus, Depp is Native American. It’s our job to bang as many white women as possible. That’s basically our reparations. And casinos. And free college tuition. Oh, and $20K to put down on a new house. And no sin tax. And no body hair. I fee like I’m missing some.
Vanessa Paradis finally denied the rumors of her split with Johnny Depp. E! Online reports:
Making the publicity rounds for her new movie, Café de Flore, Paradis offered a clear statement to French television program Grand Journal on the subject after giving a vague response to the U.K.’s Daily Mail. “Yes it’s false! Of course it’s false!” the 39-year-old singer-actress said when pressed about reports she had split with Depp, 48. Paradis added that such rumors “can truly harm my family.” “When someone reports that we buy a house, they say we have 52 houses around France,” she told the show. “We separate in winter and we get married again in summer… I’m at this point at my 12th pregnancy.” According to Paradis, what she really takes issue with is when reporters write hurtful things that end up affecting their two kids, 11-year-old Lily and 9-year-old Jack.
It’s pretty safe to say they’re never splitting up, but not because he can’t do better. If you manage to land Johnny Depp when you look like Gollum with a weave and Michael Strahan’s orthodontist, there’s a 97.6% chance necromancy is involved.
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Since Angelina Jolie’s vagina is like that tractor beam on the Death Star for all her male co-stars (Johnny Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, Brad Pitt), somebody doesn’t like that she is currently filming The Tourist with Johnny Depp. Specifically, his girlfriend of 12 years and mother of his two children.
The New York Post reports:
But Johnny Depp’s longtime gal pal has no intention of joining the trail of brokenhearted Hollywood ladies left crying to Oprah Winfrey after Angelina Jolie stole their men. So when Vanessa Paradis found out her “Pirates of the Caribbean” stud and Jolie were to shoot a passionate love scene in their new movie “The Tourist,” she ordered Depp to find another gig, a source told The Post. Paradis “found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie,” a source close to the project said. “He’s currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don’t know if he’s succeeded. But he’s trying and they’re talking about replacing him with [Jolie's partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.” Paradis, Depp’s partner of 12 years with whom she has two kids, doesn’t have to look deep into Jolie’s past to find reasons to worry.
Angelina Jolie could be stricken with leprosy and have have golf balls for eyes and still be a billion times hotter than Vanessa Paradis, but Johnny Depp doesn’t seem like the type who would be lead by his dick (his girlfriend case in point). Unlike me of course. If I was Johnny Depp, every time she walked by my trailer she would need Hannibal Lecter to whisper to me until I swallowed my own tongue.
Johnny Depp on the set of The Tourist. Oops:
Johnny Depp is widely considered to be one of the most handsome actors working in Hollywood, and combined with his overwhelming generosity and anti-Hollywood humanity, Depp could be wrist deep in a sorority every night if he wanted to be. I only mention this because his wife, Vanessa Paradis, is on the cover of Elle. And I only mention that because in real life, she looks like THIS. And THIS. All I’m saying is that her vagina must flow with milk and honey or shoot out lottery tickets with the winning numbers already scratched off, because I assume, for Johnny’s sake, that she only goes down on something when she’s trying to build a dam.
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In news to put Jenny on suicide watch, Johnny Depp is set to marry his longtime girlfriend, Vanessa Paradis, on June 14th. The pair have been dating since 1998 and have two children. MSNBC says:
The Pirates of The Caribbean actor – who was married to makeup artist Lori Anne Allison in the 80s – has previously said of his relationship with Vanessa, “For all intents and purposes, we are married,” adding that, “if [Vanessa] ever said, ‘Hey, let’s get hitched,’ I would do it in a second.” A source close to the couple said: “Vanessa recently told Johnny that she would love to have a wedding. “Johnny loves Vanessa very much, and he said if that’s what would make her happy, then he’d marry her.” The summer wedding will be a low-key family affair. The couple’s children “are really excited about it,” the insider tells Life and Style magazine. “Actually the whole family is excited. “They wanted to make it convenient for Johnny’s family in Florida,” so the wedding will likely take place in Georgia’s Tybee Island, according to the source. “They’re going to send out invitations in a few weeks.”
Congratulations to the happy couple during this exciting time! I bet it’s almost as exciting as the time they saw my nominations for “Woman Most Likely To Build a Dam With Her Teeth.” Go, Vanessa!
Depp greeting fans in Wisconsin:
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My face is perpetually on fire and Johnny Depp is my full-time Fireman.
- Reason #68 why Vanessa Paradis is jealous of me.
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After eight years and two children, Johnny Depp, 43, and Vanessa Paradis, 34, have planned to wed this summer. Sources say the couple have thought about getting married before, but after their 7 year old daughter, Lily-Rose, had a recent life-threatening ordeal, the pair have been “spurred into action.” The Daily Mail reports:
The Pirates Of The Caribbean star and Vanessa, 34, kept a vigil at their daughter’s bedside. Depp, 43, refused to return to the set of his latest film Sweeney Todd in London until she was out of danger, forcing filming to be stopped. The source, who lives in the village, said: ‘Johnny and Vanessa have one of the strongest relationships in Hollywood but after their daughter was taken ill the family became an even closer-knit unit. ‘They have talked about marriage on and off for a long time but the recent emotional roller-coaster they have had to endure seems to have spurred them into action.”
Vanessa Paradis must have bathed lepers and fed the hungry in a past life, because Johnny Depp is one of America’s greatest living actors and Vanessa Paradis holds the title of World’s Ugliest Pop Star. 9 out of 10 dentists agree she should probably just start over.