Vanessa Bryant Will Be Good For The Forseeable Future

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“I have a collapsible shovel and it fits effortlessly into this purse Kobe bought lol”

TMZ has released the details of Black Mamba‘s divorce property settlement with his ex-wife Vanessa Bryant, and in case you’re wondering how she’s making it through this difficult time, I’d imagine she’s jumping into a pile of $75 MILLION and fingering herself to paint swatches in her THREE MANSIONS.

Vanessa is walking away with $75 million, which we’re told represents close to half of their total assets, estimated at around $150 million. TMZ previously reported several transfers of property earlier this year between Kobe and Vanessa. It turns out, based on the property settlement, Vanessa scored a clean sweep, snagging ALL THREE of the former couple’s mansions in the Newport Beach area. Vanessa gets the estate the couple was living in, the estate her mom is living in, and she gets the new estate that had been under construction for 2 years and was just completed. We were told Kobe was moving into the new estate, but that’s not true. It’s Vanessa’s crib, lock stock and barrel.

Man, sometimes I wish I had a vagina. I know periods and childbirth can be tough what with modern science allowing women to be essentially pain free with both and all, but sometimes if you go to the hospital and get put under anesthesia twice then wake up happy and refreshed as a private nurse hands you a baby twice, sometimes you can walk away with $75 million and three mansions. DAMN YOU PENIS WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?!

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Vanessa Bryant Caught Kobe With “Multiple Women”

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I can’t help but think Herman Cain was involved in this somehow. TMZ reports:

Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa caught the NBA star “very recently” in the latest act of infidelity, and that is why she filed for divorce … sources directly connected with the couple tell TMZ. Our sources would not tell us how Vanessa caught Kobe, but we do know it was NOT through text messages a la Tiger Woods. We’re told Vanessa had caught Kobe with “multiple women” over the years … but his latest affair was the straw that broke the camel’s back … and she felt she needed to finally end the marriage. What’s ironic … is that Vanessa still loves Kobe — but she just can’t stand his infidelities anymore.

Poor thing. She suffered in silence for all those years. Oh wait, no I meant she sat in silence for exactly ten years then filed for divorce because after ten years she gets lifetime spousal support. I wonder how she’ll make it through this difficult time knowing she’ll die one day without ever having to fill out a W-2 in a multimillion dollar mansion she didn’t pay for because she thinks her vagina is a precious treasure that should be good enough for any man for the rest of his life? I know it’s Christmas, but let’s all dig deep by texting GOLDDIGGER to 70666 to donate $0 to We Don’t Feel Sorry For You, Bitch.

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Kobe Bryant’s Wife Filed For Divorce

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Vanessa Bryant, wife of Lakers’ superstar guard Kobe Bryant, has filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences” ending their 10-year marriage. Apparently they had differing opinions on where Kobe should stick his dick. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the couple tell TMZ … Vanessa — who stuck by Kobe after he was charged with sexually assaulting a Colorado woman in 2003 — decided to end the marriage because she believes Kobe has been unfaithful … again. As one source puts it, “She’s been dealing with these incidents for a long time and has been a faithful wife, but she’s finally had enough,” adding, “This one is the straw that broke the camel’s back.” And our sources say … Kobe “desperately” wants to win Vanessa back and will do “whatever it takes” to save their 10 1/2 year marriage. According to the legal docs, Vanessa is asking for joint custody of their 2 daughters — 8-year-old Natalia and 5-year-old Gianna — but Vanessa is asking that Kobe get visitation rights, which means she wants the kids in her care most of the time.

Oh, did I mention she’s already taken the house and they have no prenup? I didn’t? Hang on.
TMZ reports:

Kobe Bryant has already moved out of his MASSIVE Newport Coast mansion … permanently — because TMZ has learned Vanessa gets the estate in the couple’s divorce. Kobe purchased the sprawling Orange County property back in 2001. As part of the divorce settlement, Kobe agreed to give up the property. TMZ broke the story, the couple had NO prenup … which means Vanessa is entitled to half of EVERY DOLLAR Kobe made since they were married ten years ago.

The last time Kobe raped a chick in Colorado, all it took was a $4 million ring and custom designed automatic transmission Ferrari to make Vanessa forget it ever happened. But once a cheater always a cheater, so I guess Vanessa finally learned you can’t really put a price tag on your self-respect. However, you can take a motherfucker’s house, his kids, and half his shit though. But don’t feel bad for her. She’ll find love again. All she needs to do is hit the tanning bed for about six months and Kim Kardashian will marry her.

NOTE: Rape and infidelity aside, I’ll never forgive the Charlotte Hornets for trading Kobe Bryant’s draft rights to the Lakers for FUCKING VLADE DIVAC. I mean, the dude had a beard for chrissakes. A beard.

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