Tori Spelling Has Ebola Maybe

Tori Spelling couldn’t get a call back for Sharknado 2, so this is probably the best PR she’s had in a while.

Sources tell us Tori was running a fever, coughing uncontrollably, and having trouble breathing … when she was taken to Cedars Sinai Hospital. We’re told Tori was quarantined from other patients, and medical staff took precautions while treating her. While it sounds scary … we’re told it’s NOT Ebola — but instead Tori was admitted for a severe case of bronchitis with a sinus infection. Doctors are running blood tests, and a lung specialist is going to check out her bronchitis. We’re told Tori had to cancel a scheduled press tour for the 2nd season of her reality show.

I mean, we’ll all have Ebola eventually, but if we’re making a list of who dies before me, can we get some people who I didn’t think were already dead? I think the world would be a better place without the cast of Big Bang Theory, no?

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Tori Spelling Is An Excellent Driver

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Tori Spelling went on Twitter yesterday, and it’s
tweets like this
that make Mitt Romney’s plan to only allow women to drive dog sleds seem like a good idea.

Paparazzi chased me w/the kids 2school. I was trying to get away from him and had a pretty big accident. Took down whole wall of school. He thn STILL got out to try to get pics. 10 school moms chased him away. Wht will it take? Someone dying for paparazzi to stop? Going to dr now to check on baby. I think its just shock.

Uh, was she carrying government secrets? A dead body or plutonium in the trunk? No? Ok, then so to recap, she was driving with her kids in the car. The paparazzi were following her. So to escape, she TOOK DOWN THE WHOLE WALL OF A SCHOOL. Then took her baby to the hospital, because, you know, he was probably just in shock. No big deal. I think most doctors who don’t exist will tell you that when babies crash into walls at 45mph they’re usually just more scared than anything else.

Video footage of every woman driver on Earth:

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Tori Spelling is a Murderer

Candy Spelling, the wife of deceased mega-producer, Aaron Spelling, went on a Massachusetts radio station yesterday to promote her new book. Not only did she pour more gas on her long feud with her estranged daughter, Tori, she also dropped in a plutonium core and a box of dynamite. E! News reports:

“My daughter one day decided that she wasn’t speaking to my husband, myself and my son, and that’s how it’s continued for the last, oh gosh, four or five years,” Candy said to 94.7 WMAS-FM’s Kellogg Krew. “And it was sad, that’s what killed my husband, actually. He just didn’t want to live after that. He [had] just done everything he could possibly do for his daughter, and she wanted no part of him once he couldn’t do anything for her.”

Just so we’re clear, at the time of his death, Aaron Spelling was worth $500 million. All of which went to Candy with the assumption the she would distribute his children’s inheritance fairly. Tori got $800,000. Man, I wonder what the problem with their relationship could be? I don’t know if you’re picking up on this right now, but I’m doing that thing where you put your hands on the back of your head and walk around room, because there doesn’t seem to be anyone who can figure out this great mystery.

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