Tom Cruise’s Updated Twitter Bio Is The Most Accurate Description Of Anything Ever
Tom Cruise’s Updated Twitter Bio Is The Most Accurate Description Of Anything Ever

 

I really don't know what else needs to be said here. If you pointed a camera at Tom Cruise right now, he'd just instinctively start running away. Much like when I go to Krispy Kreme and the Hot Now sign is off. Don't play with me like that, bitch.

 

[h/t Uproxx]

 

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Donna Says She’s Not Dating Tom Cruise
Donna Says She’s Not Dating Tom Cruise

 

Xenu will kill you for this. Not fast, but oh so slowly.

"The thing that sucks is that there's so much false data because people are in mystery as to what Scientology is, so they just kind of make up stuff," Prepon said. "It's kind of unfortunate because then I have to be like, 'No, that's actually not what's happening.'" "It's just so funny that, when people don't know, they just make stuff up, [like], apparently I'm dating Tom Cruise right now. And apparently he doesn't want me doing the show because I portray a lesbian and I'm a Scientologist. This is false; where are they even getting this stuff? It's unbelievable to me."

Laura Prepon has to explain Scientology, because like all religions, shit just doesn't make any sense. An alien warlock bombed a volcano? Cool. Sorry, gotta run. God killed his son on Friday and he rose three days later except he rose on Sunday? Isn't that, like, two days? My math might not be right, but I think that's two days. That's definitely two days. It's hard to take you seriously when your myth relies on fuzzy math. Anyway, Laura Prepon didn't really say she's not dating Tom Cruise, so they might be. Or they might not be. Why are you even worried about it? Go do something productive with your day.

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Tom Cruise Is Dating Donna
Tom Cruise Is Dating Donna

 

I'd like to read more about Xenu's match for them at Scientology Mingle.

Tom Cruise hasn’t been lonely since breaking up with Katie Holmes. He’s been secretly dating fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon, who plays a lesbian drug dealer on “Orange Is the New Black.” P.R. reps for the two denied any romance in November after the actors were spotted enjoying a cozy dinner at the Manor Hotel in Los Angeles. However, my source on the Left Coast says Cruise and Prepon are still seeing each other, but they are being extremely careful to keep it secret. “It’s the buzz on the set of her show,” the insider told me.

1990s sitcom: Katie Holmes. 2000s sitcom: Laura Prepon. If Kat Dennings ever joins Scientology well then there you go.

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Mark Wahlberg Is Pissed At Tom Cruise
Mark Wahlberg Is Pissed At Tom Cruise

 

Depending on which report you read, Tom Cruise may or may not have compared filming to being a soldier fighting in Afghanistan, which in turn, made a bunch of people who have neither acted nor fought in Afghanistan to become angry. Like Mark Wahlberg. TMZ reports:

Mark Wahlberg lashed out at Tom Cruise — somewhere between directly and indirectly — last night, saying "For actors to sit there and talk about 'oh I went to SEAL training?  I don't give a f**k what you did." Wahlberg was speaking at the AFI Festival in L.A., when he was asked about the story TMZ broke about Tom Cruise saying in a deposition that his job was like fighting in Afghanistan.  Wahlberg unloaded, saying "For somebody to sit there and say 'my job was as difficult as being in the military.'  How f**king dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for 2 hours." Wahlberg didn't stop there.  He said, "I don't give a s**t if you get your ass busted.  You get to go home at the end of the day.  You get to go to your hotel room.  You get to order your f**king chicken."

Cool story, Mark. But before you fist bump your Marky Mark poster, please keep in mind that this is  the same Mark Wahlberg who said if he had been on any one of the planes during 9/11 that he would killed the terrorists with raging American freedom boner because he had pratice beating people up when he used to put little black kids in the hospital in Boston. Also, he's like 5'6". Anyway, let's just make believe that he's not trying to get military personnel to go see his new movie (where, coincidentally, he's playing a SEAL!), and saying something that most people know doesn't really need to be said. And if you're reading this out there, thanks for serving.

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Tom Cruise Admits Katie Holmes Divorced Him To Get Suri Out Of Scientology
Tom Cruise Admits Katie Holmes Divorced Him To Get Suri Out Of Scientology

 

Hey, remember when Scientology auditioned wives for Tom Cruise then they settled on Katie Holmes then she agreed and signed a contract then they sucked every last bit of hot out of her? Then remember when they she filed for divorce and Scientologist had her followed and tracked her every move? Man, I wonder why she left.

When lawyers first asked Cruise about claims that Holmes divorced him “in part to protect Suri from Scientology,” he lashed back. “Listen, I find that question offensive,” he exploded, according to a 36-page deposition transcript obtained by RadarOnline.com. “I find it, those statements offensive. Like with any relationship, there are many different levels to it. You know, I, I find it very offensive. There is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.” They pushed further, asking, “And Ms. Holmes has never indicated in any way that was one of the reasons she left you? …To protect Suri from Scientology?” Finally, Cruise admitted, “Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes.” “Is Suri currently practicing Scientology?” they asked. Cruise answered, “No.”

Boy, religion is great, isn't it? I know, I know, Scientology is totally different from Christianity. In Scientology, an evil galactic warlord stacked people around a volcano and killed them with hydrogen bombs shot out of his 747 causing their ghosts to inhabit you and make you sad. In Christianity, god date raped a married chick so she could have a baby that god could force to suffer a miserable death then come back as a zombie because he screwed up the first time with Adam. You're right. One sounds crazy and one doesn't.

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Katie Holmes Is Trying To Get Pregnant By Her Co-Star

Being married to Tom Cruise sucked every last bit of hot out of Katie Holmes, and when he was done, he cracked open her bones and sucked the marrow to make sure there wasn't any hot left, but apparently she wants another guy to have sex with her. She's already dating her Mania Days co-star Luke Kirby (I don't know who he is either, sorry), and she and her ovaries have agreed that he's the best candidate. National Enquirer reports:

Lovestruck KATIE HOLMES is telling pals that she wants to be a mom again – and new squeeze Luke Kirby is her dream baby daddy!..“Katie is so ready to start a new chapter of her life, and she wants to make Suri’s dream of becoming a big sister come true,” divulged an insider.“Suri has been pestering Katie for a baby brother or sister for a few years, but Katie and Tom were having such terrible problems that she didn’t want another child.“After she and Tom split last summer, Katie gave up on her baby dream. But since meeting Luke, Katie feels reborn. She’s so ready to start fresh with him and put the past – and Tom – behind her.”

Despite that blockquote sounding like a part of a novel for written for tween girls, I'm not sure how Tom Cruise is going to feel about this. I say "feel" because does Tom Cruise really feel? One of the worst kept secrets in Hollywood is that Tom Cruise stalks and kills homeless people for sport and makes prostitutes wear their skin.

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Tom Cruise Is A Giant



Tom Cruise and co-star Rosemound Pike attended the Spain premiere of Jack Reacher , which is a movie about a guy who stands on a stool and reaches for things.

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Everyone In Hollywood Is Gay



If you’re a straight male in your 30′s or 40′s, I bet a good birthday party idea would be to invite all your friends to a transgendered club and let a fancy cross-dressing hostess paddle all your friends for being naughty boys. No? That doesn’t sound like a good idea? Why would you say that? STOP BULLYING!! Page Six reports:

Tom Cruise and Matt Damon got spankings Saturday night at a naughty birthday bash for Damon. Cruise was spotted at Simon Hammerstein’s London club The Box to toast Damon’s 42nd birthday, along with “The Avengers” hunk Chris Hemsworth, Emily Blunt, Bill Paxton and party organizer John Krasinski. “Tom arrived solo,” said a spy, who added that the Hollywood heavyweights all “got paddled on their rears” by the club’s cross-dressing hostess. “Matt got some extra spanking” for being the birthday boy, and, “they all had a fantastic night enjoying the shows and partying till the end.”

Besides professional wrestling and a fraternity, there’s really nothing more homoerotic than when A-list actors have bro time. I bet the party was really fun. Especially when they all talked about their time in high school drama club.

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Scientology Plans To Destroy Katie Holmes



Katie Holmes created a PR nightmare for Scientology when she dropped the divorce bomb on Tom Cruise‘s head, because if you’re a Scientologist, you’re supposed to cut off all contact with anyone who turns their back on the teachings of the floating L. Ron Hubbard head in David Miscaviage’s office. Even your own kids. But unfortunately, if Tom Cruise did that, people might not buy tickets to his movies and Scientology just can’t afford that. So they’ll discredit Katie Holmes instead. The Daily Mail reports:

‘Internally, the wheels are in motion to discredit Katie. We have moles that are pretending to be good Scientologists who report back to us on the outside. I’ve seen internal memos about Katie.’ Samantha, former daughter-in-law of opera singer Placido Domingo and ex wife of his son Placido Jr, told the publication that ‘disconnection is the main weapon of Scientology.’ Samantha left Scientology back in 2009 after 24 years and claims she was immediately declared a ‘suppressive person’ by the Church. Former Scientology spokesman Mike Rinder agreed with Samantha, saying: ‘Katie Holmes is probably the biggest suppressive person out there right now. ‘Tom, if he were an ordinary Scientologist, would be ordered to disconnect from Katie and because Suri will be living with Katie, he couldn’t see her either. ‘But because Tom is so high-profile, it would create a total furore if the public knew he was cutting Suri off. This is an example of the church at its most hypocritical.’

The Church of Scientology uses the term “suppressive person” to describe any person or group with “antisocial personalities” (on their website, they list Hitler and psychiatry as examples). But in reality, it’s mostly used by anyone who they perceive as their enemy. Like Katie Holmes. A sweet 30-year old actress who regularly takes her adorable 6-year old to the park. No wonder they want to the destroy her. Obviously she’s a ticking time bomb who could kill six million Jews at any moment.

Pic source = WENN

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Suri Was A Pawn



Last week, Katie Holmes was alone in her four-corned room staring at candles because Scientology had dispatch spies to follow her every move as she attempted to escape the clutches of a religion that was founded by a sci-fi writer in an ascot, then suddenly, she and Tom Cruise release a joint statement pretending to be friends and that their split was amicable. Why? Oh, no reason. They apparently realized they had a fucking kid. TMZ reports:

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise went from zero to nuclear war in an instant when she filed divorce papers, but it was little Suri who became the peacemaker … sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ. Our sources say … a week ago Thursday, after Katie filed, the hostility between the two was palpable and Suri became a weapon. Katie wanted to strip Tom of all decision-making power in Suri’s life, and Tom responded by unleashing the biggest legal guns around to fight her. We’re told what turned everything around was a series of conversations that Suri would be irreparably damaged by parental warfare. It registered big time with both Tom and Katie, and it allowed their lawyers to strike a deal in what could be record time for this type of divorce.

This story gets even better when you realize that Katie Holmes is just Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby, and Suri Cruise was born because Scientology inseminated Holmes’ with L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm. Yes, that’s true. What? You say somehting, Scientology?! COME AT ME, BRO!

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