Tim Tebow Broke Up An Aaron Hernandez Bar Fight In 2007
Tim Tebow Broke Up An Aaron Hernandez Bar Fight In 2007

 

Let's ignore the fact that Tim Tebow was at a bar in Florida while underage, the real story here is that Tebow used his Jesus powers to stop his psychotic teammate at the University of Florida, Aaron Hernandez, from beating a bouncer to death in 2007. ESPN reports:

Tim Tebow  tried to play peacemaker in a 2007 bar fight involving Florida teammate Aaron Hernandez, according to a supplemental police report obtained by ABC News. Tebow, whose name was not included in the first report, told police that he urged the then-17-year-old Hernandez to leave peacefully and offered to pay the disputed bill. Employee Michael Taphorn suffered a burst ear drum when punched by Hernandez, and initially told police he wanted to pursue charges. But he later had second thoughts, according to the supplemental report. Taphorn stated he had been contacted by legal staff and Florida coaches about a possible agreeement in the case. A Florida spokesperson told ESPN.com's Andy Katz Tuesday night that "No one from the university's general counsel's office was involved in this matter." When police arrived at the scene and could not find Hernandez, they interviewed Tebow about the incident, the Orlando Sentinel reported. According to police records obtained by the newspaper, Tebow said he witnessed the dispute and tried to "help resolve the conflict."

28 NFL players have been arrested since the Super Bowl, and while that might sound bad, the Patriots are the only ones who drafted a mass murderer. And no matter how many times the burning bush leads Tebow to live under the delusion that he'll ever be a NFL quarterback, he seems like a truly decent guy and at least he's never been arrested or tried to kill anything (unless you want to count the first time he enters a vagina). And that's pretty much a compliment you give someone in the NFL now: "at least he's never been arrested or tried to kill anything". But none of that matters. It's the NFL. They could burn puppies alive at halftime during every game and it would still be the highest rating thing on television every fall.

Related Posts:

Tags: ,
Tim Tebow Will Now Sit On The Bench For The Patriots
Tim Tebow Will Now Sit On The Bench For The Patriots

 

"Does God have a clipboard for me?" – Tim Tebow

 

We were close, everybody. We were close to never having to hear Tim Tebow's name on ESPN ever again, but Bill Belichick apaprently wanted to send out an assistant to secretly record everybody's reaction. Because he just signed Tim Tebow.  ESPN Boston reports:

Terms of the contract were not disclosed, but league sources told ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter that Tebow signed a two-year contract that includes no guaranteed money. "Tim is a talented player, is smart and works hard. We'll see how it goes," Patriots coach Bill Belichick said Tuesday.Tebow, who is expected to participate in the team's mandatory minicamp Tuesday, was signed to be a quarterback on the Patriots' roster, sources told ESPN NFL Insider Ed Werder. When asked what position Tebow will play, Belichick said, "we will see." Apparently tired of the Tebow questions, the coach tried to change the subject after several minutes. "We've already talked enough about him. We'll see how it goes, take it from there," he said.

If I had to bet, Belichick probably signed Tebow to replace Gronkowski. But Tebow is a devout Christian, so that means his unwavering faith that he can play quarterback despite all evidence to the contrary will force him to sit and pout on the bench while masking his tantrum with feigned humility. Sorry, did I get too deep on you with that? Also, that's a question Tebow will never ask a receiver. OOOHH TEBOW BURN!

Related Posts:

Tags: ,
The White House Doesn’t Care About Tim Tebow
The White House Doesn’t Care About Tim Tebow

 

Beacause most Americans are unapologetically stupid and should be cleaved from the herd, it was only a matter of time before one of them PETITIONED THE WHITEHOUSE TO FORCE THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS OWNER TO SIGN TIM TEBOW. Since that's idiotic, the petition has removed. But, hey, you can still read it here! Amazing! Sports Yahoo! reports:

Jacksonville Jaguars fans want the team to sign recently released QB Tim Tebow. However, rookie general manager for the Jacksonville Jaguars David Caldwell is blocking this from happening. If the Jaguars sign & START Tebow, home games will be sold out, sales will spike, the team will win and the fans will be happy. Mr. Caldwell is ignoring lots of facts about the misunderstood Tim Tebow while in Denver: Passer rating of 125.6 is highest ever in Broncos postseason history. Most yards per completion (31.6) in NFL playoff history.100.5 QB rating is best ever for a Broncos QB in his first start.Third most passing yards in a game by a Bronco rookie QB. (308, in his 2nd start), First 15+ point comeback in the final 3 minutes of an NFL game since the merger, 7 game winning drives in just 16 games!

I don't understand why Tim Tebow doesn't get that God's plan for him is to play fullback, but apparently he's convinced he's an NFL quarterback even though he can't throw. The CFL even said he's be a backup. The Canadian. Football. League. Wait, is the Jacksonville Jaguars in the CFL? That would make a lot of sense.

Related Posts:

Tags:
Does God Have A Plan For Tim Tebow?

To be cut. His plan is for him to be cut by the Jets. USA Today reports:

Tebow was informed Monday morning when he arrived at the team's facility he'll be waived, and the team put out a statement: "We have a great deal of respect for Tim Tebow," said Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "Unfortunately, things did not work out the way we all had hoped. Tim is an extremely hard worker, evident by the shape he came back in this offseason (losing weight). We wish him the best moving forward." Tebow will now have to pass through waivers. Teams will have until 4 p.m. ET Tuesday to put in claims for him.

It's pretty hard to understand how a player who can't play quarterback in the NFL is on an NFL roster as a quarterback, but it looks like that experiment is over. If you can't take a job away from Mark Sanchez, then I really don't know what to tell you. All this means is that Tebow gets a headstart to open his megachurch. So don't feel bad for Tebow. He'll be getting a pay raise.

Related Posts:

Tags:
Tim Tebow Demanded This Picture Be Removed From Twitter



Instead of spending time fixing his god awful mechanics, Tim Tebow spends his time in NYC going to see Broadway shows like Rock Of Ages. And sometimes he goes backstage and takes pictures with the cast. And sometimes the cast members are dressed like strippers. And sometimes he thinks Jesus will be mad then he throws a hissy fit to pretend he never took those pictures (via ONTD).

Later, when one of the ladies posted the pic to her Twitter page, Timmy reportedly freaked out and demanded that it be removed. Rock Ages cast member Neka Zang posted the photo which you can see by clicking here. Zang also posted a photo of the entire cast Tebowing. Then, poof! The pic was suddenly gone. Zang explained the its removal thus: “Well, Due to Tebow’s ‘image’ I was asked to remove the pic of him with us half-dressed ladies,” Neka wrote. “He does know we aren’t real strippers, right? Tweeps. I’m not mad, or judging. Just letting u all know I took the pic down. Ok. Thanks.”

So a bunch of women pretending to be strippers with a dude pretending to be a quarterback. But most importantly, let’s all pretend like Tim that you can ever have something removed from the Internet.

Related Posts:

Tags:
Peyton Manning Is A Denver Bronco



Tim Tebow: “But I notice that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why you left my side when I needed you most.” Jesus: “Bro, you watch ESPN? Where you see only one set of footprints, I was showing Peyton Manning my new kick ass snowboard.”

Barring an unforeseen setback in negotiations, Peyton Manning will sign a 5-year/$95M contract to give the Denver Broncos something they haven’t had in a year. A quarterback. ESPN reports:

Peyton Manning will become the next quarterback of the Denver Broncos, barring a snag during intensified contract negotiations that have commenced under the instruction of the four-time MVP to his agent Tom Condon, according to multiple sources. Once the Manning deal becomes official, Denver will try to trade Tim Tebow, according to sources. ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter talks about the news that Peyton Manning will sign with the Denver Broncos. Schefter believes if John Elway wasn’t involved, this deal would not get done. Manning instructed Condon to negotiate the finite details of a contract that would conclude with him joining the Broncos after a frenzied but focused process that began when the Indianapolis Colts released him March 7. Manning called Broncos vice president of football operations John Elway on Monday morning to tell him the news. Manning also called the San Francisco 49ers and Tennessee Titans to inform them of his intent to now play for Denver. A contract between the two sides is expected to be a formality. Elway and Manning first discussed the parameters of a five-year, $95 million contract during their March 9 meeting in Denver, the first time the quarterback visited a team during his free agency.

According to ESPN, the Broncos don’t expect to get anything of value for Tim Tebow, so it’s a possibility that he’ll be released. And before we start the righteous indignation and moral outcry over a novelty who lost his job to the greatest quarterback of his generation, yes, Tebow is wonderful human being who uses his ingrained religious beliefs, money, and name to do many positive things with charity. Great. Go be a pastor or join the Peace Corps, because he has no business on a football field. Peyton Manning could break his own neck before every game and still have a better QB rating than Tebow. And he wouldn’t even have to thank Jesus for it.

Related Posts:

Tags: ,
Maria Menounous Wanted To/Did Bang Tim Tebow



Seen above being possessed by Satan because she’s a heathen with a weak mental fortitude ill-prepared for the Devil’s tricks, Maria Menounous‘ vagina was reportedly roaming Indianapolis like a roaring lion this weekend seeking to devour Tim Tebow‘s holy pro-life penis. Page Six reports:
Tim Tebow was the center of attention for all the women at ESPN the Magazine’s Next party in Indianapolis on Friday night. Hordes of cocktail-dress-clad ladies surrounded the Denver Bronco quarterback, angling for a personal kneeling session. But it was “Extra” host Maria Menounos who seemed to command his attention. While Tebow politely chatted with many of the girls, one source told us that “he only seemed to have eyes” for brunette beauty Menounos, who was spotted “chatting to Tebow for over an hour. It looked quite flirtatious. They were taking pictures Tebowing together.” The two, along with a big group of friends, were the last to leave well after 2 a.m.

Man, that seems pretty sexy. They left “well after 2 a.m.”? So that means they finished reading scripture and making the s’mores at like what? 5?

Related Posts:

Tags: ,