Tila Tequila Is A Flat Earth Truther, Insane
Tila Tequila Is A Flat Earth Truther, Insane


When three months go by and the world remembered to forget you exist after you dressed your baby up as Hitler, you really need to ratchet up the psychosis and desperation in the new year. Enter Tila Tequila, who went on Twitter last night to tell everyone the Earth was flat. Because sunbeams shoot straight down. And the North Pole is always in the same place. And because skyscrapers don’t lean. And something about a media conspiracy against Chipotle.
Look, I’ve tried to preface this the best I could, but trust me when I tell you that nothing will fully prepare you for the caps lock shit show below. Buckle the fuck up.

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The Celebrity Big Brother House Is Gonna Need A Cleansing Fire

Since people will watch basically anything,  “Celebrity” Big Brother: USA vs UK kicked off last night and apparently the American contestants include Farrah Abraham, Tila Tequila, Jenna Jameson and a Baldwin. And some other people I don’t know. I’ll say this, when America sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. Maybe the Baldwin. So, congrats to the eventual winner. I guess they can shop on Amazon when they’re in quarantine while scientists attempt to discover a cure.

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Tila Tequila Has An Eating Disorder

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Too bad they’re not contagious, right Christina and Christina? Radar Online reports:

Amid a slew of Hollywood starlets grasping to maintain an underweight figure because of the pressures of the industry, Tila says her eating disorder isn’t an effort to stay skinny and she actually wants to gain weight. “I too, have a eating disorder. But not because I want to be skinny, but because I want to gain weight and can’t,” Tila told RadarOnline.com in an exclusive interview. “When I’m happy and healthy and stress free, I eat better and maintain a healthy weight and my body stays in great shape and my face is fuller and plump. It looks good on me. However, lately, I have lost a lot of weight and am now down to only 87 pounds.” On Tila’s 4’11” frame, that puts her slightly below a healthy weight. “I try not to wear dresses that show too much because you can see my rib cage showing. It’s disgusting!” Tila said. “I’ve battled with this eating disorder my whole life… I put pressure on myself to constantly eat, but once I put pressure on myself, that’s when eating is no longer a ‘natural’ thing to do for me and ironically becomes the opposite. I then lose my appetite and lose my weight.” Tila, 29, tells RadarOnline.com that because of her busy schedule she’s doing the best she can to pack on the pounds using weight-gaining drinks. “[My body] makes me feel un-sexy and self-conscious about myself and that is also the pressure to look good in Hollywood,” Tila said. “I want to gain weight but it’s so hard for me.

Whatever. She’s lucky it’s a slow news day, because the only ways left for Tila Tequila to be relevant are to be a search item on Casey Anthony’s laptop or to finally become as pretty as Karen Carpenter.

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Now With Video



Who in the hell knows why you’d invite a Chinese female/cricket impersonator to an event filled with ICP fans, but please remember they are ICP fans. If I liked what is mistakenly referred to as music, I’d be trying to kill somebody, too. Especially if she keeps screaming “I ain’t goin’ nowhere!” over and over even though she looks like she’d let you burn her with a cigarette as you’re cumming for $20 more. I’m not even joking when I say I’m surprised this video doesn’t involve fire catapults and this skank getting impaled by a trident.

Little. Yellow. Different.

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Tila Tequila Got Beatdown

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TMZ reports:

According to Tila, she took the stage at the Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois — a concert featuring such acts as Insane Clown Posse and Kottonmouth Kings.
Tila gave TMZ a very detailed account of what happened, saying: “I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage.” She went on to say: “These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailor. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!”

A lot of people have denounced me as sexist, against my own sex mind you, so there really isn’t a whole lot I can say about this alleged incident without somebody accusing me of being pro violence on women. I won’t question why she was on stage at an ICP concert, and I certainly won’t make any remarks about how, even without being covered in human waste, she’s qualified by FEMA as hazardous material. I also won’t mention her brilliant diction, spelling, and grammar. Nope, even though it’s my job to be snarky, and even though I’m not even half serious, I won’t do it. I would just feel terrible if I offended anybody, most of all a no-talent reality show whore and a small group of the humorless.

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Tila Tequila Is Demure



This is gonna sound way more racist than it should, but Asian chicks are fucking weird looking. They try really hard to look hot, but they end up looking like Jiminy Cricket with ridiculously oversized implants and fake nails with dragons painted on them. Basically what I’m saying is, Tila Tequila didn’t help when she showed up to her album launch party last night. Too bad these pictures don’t have sound, because I’m sure she offering massages and asking people why they no like acrylic gel. It only fo dolla more.

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Tila Tequila Is A Classy Bitch



Tila Tequila was on The Howard Stern Show this week, and even though she looks like an extra on Dark Crystal, she still lives under the delusion that she’s some unattainable piece of ass. The last time I saw an Asian chick with blonde hair and ridiculous contacts, I told her that, no, I don’t need acrylic on my toenails. And, yes, that sounds way gayer when I type it out, but whatever. Hopefully pic #5 will distract you and get you excited for MTV’s apparent new show, Gaza Strip Shore.

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Tila Tequila Is Subtle

Tila Tequila was at Villa Lounge this weekend and, as always, embodied the very essence of elegance and class. “Tila’s demure grace and simple, understated beauty is something every young woman should emulate, ” a person who doesn’t exist was quoted as saying.

A few of these pictures are NSFW:

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Tila Tequila Will Be Dead In 2 Weeks



Since getting choked out by her boyfriend made people vaguely remember she was alive, Tila Tequila thinks killing herself might work, too. Ace reports:
“It woulda been tonite I ended my life, but my friend caught me and stopped me. So I told him I will give him two more weeks. No one can stop me,” so read her tweet which has been cited by several websites. Her next tweet read, “I am not depressed or unhappy! My life is amazing. It’s not about that though! Like I said, God spoke to me and told me I am needed up there.” In addition to those disturbing tweets, Tila posted several other messages regarding life and death. Some of her other tweets that apparently sounded off her suicidal attempt included; “Say wut u want. At least i care enough 2 tell u that u have 2 more weeks w me here So enjoy it. Appreciate it Now that u know im gone soon”, “Did u know 5 years ago i drowned myself in a bathtub and the ambulance and police came just in time to bring me back to life”, and “Goodnight everyone. Please take care of each other and dont take life for granted … i am going to sleep now … i wont be on twitter nemore”.

I can see how being an Asian tranny gnome with acne only famous for being a slut might make you want to kill yourself, but Tila, you should really take a step back and reevaluate your life. And if that step back is taken from a chair that’s keeping the noose from snapping your neck, I’d be cool with that.

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Tila Tequila Was Severely Injured



Tila Tequila just happened to come across some paparazzi so they could take pictures of her bruises that her boyfriend, San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman, allegedly gave her. My black heart tried to care, but to reiterate, it’s Tila Tequila. Besides, her grandfather probably got hurt worse when he pulled John McCain out of that plane. Where’s his justice?! Who will speak for him?! I mean, I have Rosetta Stone, but I haven’t got that far yet.

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