The Was No DiCaprio Bear Rape
The Was No DiCaprio Bear Rape

I saw the “Leonardo DiCaprio got raped by a bear on set of The Revenant” thing yesterday and legit thought it was from The Onion. Apparently it was The Drudge Report. And they said he was raped twice. And people with a six-month supply of tin foil in their bunker believed that? Huh. Like, Fox had to actually release a statement saying Leonardo DiCaprio wasn’t raped by a bear.

On Tuesday, the Internet exploded following a report that Oscar-winning director Alejandro González Iñárritu included a sequence in his new film, The Revenant, where Leonardo DiCaprio’s character is raped by a bear. Not so fast, says the film’s studio.  “As anyone who has seen the movie can attest, the bear in the film is a female who attacks Hugh Glass because she feels he might be threatening her cubs,” a Fox spokesperson told Entertainment Weekly in an exclusive statement. “There is clearly no rape scene with a bear.”

I don’t know what happens when you get raped by a bear, but if he rapes you twice, wouldn’t you need like a long break in between? It seems like you would considering bears probably have gigantic penises and at some point they take the bear away and he’d have to escape, somehow get your hospital room number from a nurse, then come to your room and rape you again. I feel that would take up a lot of time. They wouldn’t let the crew just stand around doing nothing for that long. Doesn’t make financial sense.

DiCaprio is having sex with this though.

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