Taylor Swift Won Her Ass-Grabbing Lawsuit, Asked For $1.00
Taylor Swift Won Her Ass-Grabbing Lawsuit, Asked For $1.00



You can read Taylor Swift’s brutal/hilariously passive aggressive testimony at her ass-grabbing trial, or you can skip it and just know that’s probably why she won.

After nearly four hours of deliberation, a jury ruled in favor of pop star Taylor Swift in her countersuit against former radio host David Mueller for alleged assault and battery. Swift accused Mueller of groping her at a meet-and-greet event in June 2013. He will be required to pay $1 in damages to Swift….In a statement, Swift thanked the judge and her legal team for “fighting for me and anyone who feels silenced by a sexual assault.” “I acknowledge the privilege that I benefit from in life, in society and in my ability to shoulder the enormous cost of defending myself in a trial like this,” Swift added in the statement, obtained by CNN. “My hope is to help those whose voices should also be heard. Therefore, I will be making donations in the near future to multiple organizations that help sexual assault victims defend themselves.”

It’s been a really bad week for white dudes. They’ve taken so many L’s it’s hard to keep up. Like, Taylor Swift countersued this dude who stuck his whole hand up her ass, not for monetary damages, but just to savagely humiliate him in front of everybody for putting her through emotional hell. She’s probably gonna light some incense with that dollar he’s gotta pay her even though that dollar is figuratively priceless. Respect. I really want to grab her ass now if she says it’s okay.

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Taylor Swift Is On The Stand At Her Ass Grabbing Trial
Taylor Swift Is On The Stand At Her Ass Grabbing Trial


My apologies to these three young ladies who seemed happy to be attending a trial where their favorite has to take to stand to relive her sexual assault. I don’t know their names. I’m gonna go with Peyton, Ashleigh, and Kaitlynn. Congrats to them. That being said, we’re now in the fourth day of Taylor Swift‘s ass-grabbing trial in Denver. If you’re unaware of who grabbed Taylor Swift’s ass, back in 2013 Swift attended a meet and greet at Denver radio station where the DJ, David Mueller, reportedly stuck his whole hand up her skirt and shot his shot. He obviously got fired. Then in 2015, he filed lawsuit against Swift. Taylor Swift took the stand today for the first time and…good lawd.


Read Taylor Swift‘s testimony below:

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Lorde Called Taylor Swift An ‘Autoimmune Disease’, People Got Mad
Lorde Called Taylor Swift An ‘Autoimmune Disease’, People Got Mad

 

The Guardian dropped an interview with Lorde on Saturday, and since she said a lot of words, the probability was high that some of those words would offend someone somewhere. Here are those words:

Speaking on the difficulty of maintaining a close friendship with someone as famous as Swift, 27, Lorde told The Guardian, “It’s like having a friend with very specific allergies. There are certain places you can’t go together. Certain things you can’t do.” “There are these different sets of considerations within the friendship,” Lorde continued. “It’s like having a friend with an autoimmune disease.”

What do you think happened next? You better sit down for this!

Lorde has come under fire after comparing her friend Taylor Swift to an “autoimmune disease” in an interview with The Guardian on Saturday.

Man, I can barely even believe it! She also had to apologize to a complete stranger.

After the apology, this Stephanie Marie chick kept going on and on about this shit until something else shiny and offensive happened and she could unleash her righteous indignation for retweets (Twitter is fun!). I honestly don’t understand why celebrities even bother speaking anymore.

 

 

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Taylor Swift Has Entered The Stalking Stage Of Her New Relationship
Taylor Swift Has Entered The Stalking Stage Of Her New Relationship

 

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: 1. Taylor Swift meets a dude. 2. Taylor Swift immediately falls in love with dude.  3. (below):

Superstar Taylor Swift has been househunting in Chelsea as she looks to move to the UK to be closer to new Brit boyfriend Joe Alwyn. The properties she viewed late last month would make her a neighbour of the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister Pippa Middleton plus several members of toff E4 reality show Made In Chelsea. A source told how Taylor, 27, was so smitten with the handsome actor, 26, that she’d been spending all her free time this side of the Atlantic and now wanted a permanent base. Properties in an exclusive street in the west London district that she viewed were on sale for as much as £17 million recently. A source said: “Taylor and Joe are really serious and this is the latest sign that she has really fallen hard for him. She’s been very discreetly viewing properties after stumping up a fortune on north London rentals recently. Some of the places have been a stone’s throw away from where Pippa Middleton lives. The thought of Taylor Swift’s local pub being the same place where the Made In Chelsea cast socialise could make for some interesting scenes.” Taylor and Joe’s secret relationship was uncovered by The Sun in May, revealing at that point it was already growing serious after they had managed to keep the romance under wraps for months.

4. Dude gets freaked out and breaks up with her. 5. Taylor goes on a press revenge tour. 6. Taylor makes an album about dude being the worst person alive. 7. Taylor meets another dude. 8. (below)

 

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Taylor Swift Can’t Help Herself
Taylor Swift Can’t Help Herself

 

Earlier this month, we learned that Taylor Swift has been secretly dating Joe Alwyn. Joe Alwyn is a 26-year old British actor who still lives with his parents. Joe sounds like a millennial icon Stop me if you’ve heard this before:

A source said: “Taylor and Joe are the real deal, this is a very serious relationship.”

Apparently we know this because The Sun “leaked” it.  We also know that the only person who has ever managed to pull off leaking something on Taylor Swift without an instructional Power Point presentation from her PR and legal team is Kim Kardashian. After this news “leaked”, this was the followup:

We’re told she’s obviously a little “bummed” that the news of her relationship got out. However, the insider said, “At the same time, she is really excited about being with Joe and is hoping she can relax a little bit more now and just enjoy being with him.”

lol k. Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up in September. Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn started dating in October. Taylor couldn’t wait to get this shit out. She would have posted a pic on Instagram of Joe putting costume on her cat last Halloween if she could have. She had to stab herself in the thigh with her keys every time they wore matching outfits and she opened her front camera or this narrative would’ve been destroyed.

“Taylor has been insanely private about her relationship with Joe,” a source tells PEOPLE exclusively about the couple, who have been dating for several months. “She wanted to get to know him without any chaos. She has learned from the past.” Jetting in under the radar and reportedly renting a house in North London, Swift is determined to keep her relationship out of the spotlight — and so is Alwyn.

Yet here we all are reading about it. And the whole “- and so is Alwyn” is super cute like he has any fucking say in this at all. Her PR team probably put a black hood on him, threw him in a van, and has doing red carpet prep right now.  We all know how this is gonna end. Joe isn’t gonna text back one day within the timeframe stipulated in his signed agreement and Taylor will break up with him (and we’ll know about it the next day via her PR team), then 6 months later she’ll have a new album called, Songs With Thinly Veiled References to Joe Alwyn, since she has to go through men like tampons and still play the victim. Pretty sure this is some sort of preexisting condition.

 

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Ed Sheeran Says He’s Banged Most Of Taylor Swift’s Friends
Ed Sheeran Says He’s Banged Most Of Taylor Swift’s Friends

 

I always thought Ed Sheeran defends Taylor Swift at every opportunity because he’s hoping that will make her let him sniff it at least once. I was wrong. Ed Sheeran defends Taylor Swift at every opportunity because she supplied him with a never-ending stream of pussy.

His next tour was considerably bigger: a 66-date run opening for Swift…..Offstage, this was his most romantically prolific period. He says he hooked up with some of Swift’s famous friends. “Taylor’s world is celebrity,” says Sheeran. “I was this 22-year-old awkward British kid going on tour with the biggest artist in America, who has all these famous mates. It was very easy. … I would often find myself in situations just kind of waking up and looking over and being like, ‘How the fuck did that happen?’ ”

I used to live in the same duplex as three chicks in a sorority, and I can attest to the power of your sorority chick neighbors saying you’re cool to their sorority sisters then their sorority sisters wanting bang you. It was a glorious time. I can’t really speak on Ed Sheeran’s time. He looks like Emo Baggins, so Taylor Swift’s power of suggestion must border on the supernatural.

 

 

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Karlie Kloss And Taylor Swift Aren’t Friends Anymore Because Of Tom Hiddleston

A post shared by Karlie Kloss (@karliekloss) on

 

What was once slumber party scissoring and herbal tea, has turned petty for once-friends Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss. It was all Tom Hiddleston’s fault. Wait no, it was Taylor Swift’s psychosis.  Star Magazine reports: (via Cele|bitchy)

Another day, another squad member who’s ditched Taylor Swift. Once joined at the hip, Taylor and Karlie Kloss have fallen out, and it’s all because of Taylor’s embarrassing fauxmance with Tom Hiddleston. “Karlie actually warned Taylor that it was a bad, distasteful idea,” snitches a mutual friend. “Taylor slipped out and accused Karlie of being jealous, and they haven’t really spoken since.” Indeed, Karlie isn’t up for talking to – or about – her ex pal. She went so far as to cancel an Australian interview that had planned to ask about their friendship because “she didn’t have anything nice to say,” explains the source. “Things between them were never balanced: it was always Taylor calling the shots. Eventually Karlie was going to get tired of being her little minion.”

Even if this isn’t remotely true, it feels true, because Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who would scream, “YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS!” to friend she’s had for years if that friend points out an issue with her new dick. Milo kinda seems that way too.

 

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Taylor Swift Is Coming For Conor Kennedy Again Because His Mugshot Was ‘Hot’
Taylor Swift Is Coming For Conor Kennedy Again Because His Mugshot Was ‘Hot’

 

Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy broke up in 2012 just in time for her new album and his trigonometry test, but all that’s changed now, because Conor got arrested in Aspen and apparently his mugshot got her wet. I was unaware that she was capable. Let Radar Online let the moisture in below.
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Taylor Swift Escapee, Connor Kennedy, Got Arrested For Aspen Bar Fight
Taylor Swift Escapee, Connor Kennedy, Got Arrested For Aspen Bar Fight

 

I really can’t think of anything more rich and white than “disorderly conduct at an Aspen bar”, so it makes sense that Connor Kennedy would get arrested for that. Here’s what happened or whatever.

Authorities tell us the 22-year-old was arrested on local charges of disorderly conduct related to a fight. “At about 1:40 a.m. Aspen PD officers were dispatched to Bootsy Bellows…for a report of a person who was refusing to leave the premises,” Aspen Assistant Chief Bill Linn said in a press release. “While officers were on scene dealing with that situation, they witnessed a fight occurring on the street in front of the bar. Officers tried to separate the two men, who were ‘rolling around on the ground.'”  Witnesses told officers that they saw “Kennedy throwing approximately four or five punches to the head of the other party. Kennedy was charged with disorderly conduct and was issued a court summons for Feb. 22, 2017, at 9 a.m. He was released without bond.” Kennedy apologized to the officer after he was arrested, the report states (according to local reports). “Kennedy then said, ‘He called my friend the f-word.'” A municipal charge of disorderly conduct carries a possible penalty of up to a year in jail and up to $2,650 fine.

The “f-word”? We must get to the bottom of this. Freemason? Fajita? Or was it fag? It was probably be fag. It seems Connor is prone to violent outbreaks due to some deep psychological issues. I wonder if it has anything to do with a grown woman buying a house across the street from you when you’re a junior in high school after you dated her for three months. Somebody should look into that.

 

#FBF

 

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DirectTV Is Launching A 24/7 Taylor Swift Channel Because God Is Dead
DirectTV Is Launching A 24/7 Taylor Swift Channel Because God Is Dead

 

Taylor Swift is getting her own channel. It’s still 2016. Haven’t we all suffered enough?

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