Taylor Swift Wants You To Know Why She’s Been Hiding Or Whatever
Taylor Swift Wants You To Know Why She’s Been Hiding Or Whatever

 

It seems like only 6 months ago that Taylor Swift would call the paparazzi to take pictures of her walking out of her apartment in her OOTD or posting something on Instagram with a group of white women. A “source” tells People why we haven’t seen this lately and have been forced to live in darkness and existential dread awaiting the return of the savior of girls who are at Target right now.

Between a messy breakup with ex-boyfriend Calvin Harris, a subsequent high-profile fling with Tom Hiddleston and a very public feud with the Wests, “she felt like her personal life was spinning out of control,” a source close to the star, 27, tells PEOPLE exclusively. “It was draining her and she needed to disappear to reinvent herself. It was time to change things up and take another approach.”

Man, this source seems really concerned about Tay-

Taylor is very talented and wants the focus to be on her music,” says the source of the entertainer, who’s been quietly dating actor Joe Alwyn, 26, since late last fall. “She is a master at reinventing herself.”

Oh. The source is her PR team. Or somebody in her squad who just cashed a from Taylor Swift’s PR Team LLC. We probably should have expected that. I’m digging the CGI boobs in the video though. Good stuff.

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Here’s Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” Video, Guys
Here’s Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” Video, Guys

 

Taylor Swift debuted her music video for “Look What You Made Me Do” at the MTV VMAs last night, because of course she did. I guess you could make the case that Taylor Swift has suddenly become self-aware and is saying that she has killed off her constant cycle of passive aggressive victims of situations she could have easily avoided versions of herself to reveal the true Taylor, but then you realize the true Taylor is just an unhinged, paranoid, 27-year old white woman hellbent on revenge against anyone who slightly wronged her or called her out in any way. Cool?

 

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Taylor Swift’s New Song Is Psychosis
Taylor Swift’s New Song Is Psychosis

 

So, Taylor Swift dropped her new single, “Look What You Made Me Do“, and before you say who cares, please don’t pretend that you won’t be forced to hear this song 10 times a day until November no matter what you do. I’m not going to speculate who this song is about, it’s Taylor Swift. It could be about an Uber driver who looked her directly in the eye once. Here’s the song and lyrics. Brace yourself.

 

 

So much for “shaking it off”, amirite? Haha no but seriously these lyrics read like a notebook a school shooter left behind for the police.

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Taylor Swift Drops A New Single Tonight
Taylor Swift Drops A New Single Tonight

 

As expected, Taylor Swift announced her new album, Reputation, yesterday. The album comes out in November (all Taylor Swift albums come out in the fall because she is basic as fuck), but the single comes out tonight at midnight or whatever. So technically it comes out Friday. As the cover art tells us, Taylor Swift is wearing a choker and I assume black nail polish, so you know this album is gonna be EDGY. So edgy.  Like Lemonade, except it’ll be coconut water. The cover art tells us that she’s under the delusion that the media constantly lies about her. She’s really doing a “fake news” album, guys. Anyway, it’ll fun to hear Swift play the victim on 13 or tracks while using feminism as a commodity to sell albums. White girls are gonna eat this shit up driving to and from Target.

 

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Taylor Swift Won Her Ass-Grabbing Lawsuit, Asked For $1.00
Taylor Swift Won Her Ass-Grabbing Lawsuit, Asked For $1.00



You can read Taylor Swift’s brutal/hilariously passive aggressive testimony at her ass-grabbing trial, or you can skip it and just know that’s probably why she won.

After nearly four hours of deliberation, a jury ruled in favor of pop star Taylor Swift in her countersuit against former radio host David Mueller for alleged assault and battery. Swift accused Mueller of groping her at a meet-and-greet event in June 2013. He will be required to pay $1 in damages to Swift….In a statement, Swift thanked the judge and her legal team for “fighting for me and anyone who feels silenced by a sexual assault.” “I acknowledge the privilege that I benefit from in life, in society and in my ability to shoulder the enormous cost of defending myself in a trial like this,” Swift added in the statement, obtained by CNN. “My hope is to help those whose voices should also be heard. Therefore, I will be making donations in the near future to multiple organizations that help sexual assault victims defend themselves.”

It’s been a really bad week for white dudes. They’ve taken so many L’s it’s hard to keep up. Like, Taylor Swift countersued this dude who stuck his whole hand up her ass, not for monetary damages, but just to savagely humiliate him in front of everybody for putting her through emotional hell. She’s probably gonna light some incense with that dollar he’s gotta pay her even though that dollar is figuratively priceless. Respect. I really want to grab her ass now if she says it’s okay.

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Taylor Swift Is On The Stand At Her Ass Grabbing Trial
Taylor Swift Is On The Stand At Her Ass Grabbing Trial


My apologies to these three young ladies who seemed happy to be attending a trial where their favorite has to take to stand to relive her sexual assault. I don’t know their names. I’m gonna go with Peyton, Ashleigh, and Kaitlynn. Congrats to them. That being said, we’re now in the fourth day of Taylor Swift‘s ass-grabbing trial in Denver. If you’re unaware of who grabbed Taylor Swift’s ass, back in 2013 Swift attended a meet and greet at Denver radio station where the DJ, David Mueller, reportedly stuck his whole hand up her skirt and shot his shot. He obviously got fired. Then in 2015, he filed lawsuit against Swift. Taylor Swift took the stand today for the first time and…good lawd.


Read Taylor Swift‘s testimony below:

(more…)

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Lorde Called Taylor Swift An ‘Autoimmune Disease’, People Got Mad
Lorde Called Taylor Swift An ‘Autoimmune Disease’, People Got Mad

 

The Guardian dropped an interview with Lorde on Saturday, and since she said a lot of words, the probability was high that some of those words would offend someone somewhere. Here are those words:

Speaking on the difficulty of maintaining a close friendship with someone as famous as Swift, 27, Lorde told The Guardian, “It’s like having a friend with very specific allergies. There are certain places you can’t go together. Certain things you can’t do.” “There are these different sets of considerations within the friendship,” Lorde continued. “It’s like having a friend with an autoimmune disease.”

What do you think happened next? You better sit down for this!

Lorde has come under fire after comparing her friend Taylor Swift to an “autoimmune disease” in an interview with The Guardian on Saturday.

Man, I can barely even believe it! She also had to apologize to a complete stranger.

After the apology, this Stephanie Marie chick kept going on and on about this shit until something else shiny and offensive happened and she could unleash her righteous indignation for retweets (Twitter is fun!). I honestly don’t understand why celebrities even bother speaking anymore.

 

 

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Taylor Swift Has Entered The Stalking Stage Of Her New Relationship
Taylor Swift Has Entered The Stalking Stage Of Her New Relationship

 

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: 1. Taylor Swift meets a dude. 2. Taylor Swift immediately falls in love with dude.  3. (below):

Superstar Taylor Swift has been househunting in Chelsea as she looks to move to the UK to be closer to new Brit boyfriend Joe Alwyn. The properties she viewed late last month would make her a neighbour of the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister Pippa Middleton plus several members of toff E4 reality show Made In Chelsea. A source told how Taylor, 27, was so smitten with the handsome actor, 26, that she’d been spending all her free time this side of the Atlantic and now wanted a permanent base. Properties in an exclusive street in the west London district that she viewed were on sale for as much as £17 million recently. A source said: “Taylor and Joe are really serious and this is the latest sign that she has really fallen hard for him. She’s been very discreetly viewing properties after stumping up a fortune on north London rentals recently. Some of the places have been a stone’s throw away from where Pippa Middleton lives. The thought of Taylor Swift’s local pub being the same place where the Made In Chelsea cast socialise could make for some interesting scenes.” Taylor and Joe’s secret relationship was uncovered by The Sun in May, revealing at that point it was already growing serious after they had managed to keep the romance under wraps for months.

4. Dude gets freaked out and breaks up with her. 5. Taylor goes on a press revenge tour. 6. Taylor makes an album about dude being the worst person alive. 7. Taylor meets another dude. 8. (below)

 

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Taylor Swift Can’t Help Herself
Taylor Swift Can’t Help Herself

 

Earlier this month, we learned that Taylor Swift has been secretly dating Joe Alwyn. Joe Alwyn is a 26-year old British actor who still lives with his parents. Joe sounds like a millennial icon Stop me if you’ve heard this before:

A source said: “Taylor and Joe are the real deal, this is a very serious relationship.”

Apparently we know this because The Sun “leaked” it.  We also know that the only person who has ever managed to pull off leaking something on Taylor Swift without an instructional Power Point presentation from her PR and legal team is Kim Kardashian. After this news “leaked”, this was the followup:

We’re told she’s obviously a little “bummed” that the news of her relationship got out. However, the insider said, “At the same time, she is really excited about being with Joe and is hoping she can relax a little bit more now and just enjoy being with him.”

lol k. Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up in September. Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn started dating in October. Taylor couldn’t wait to get this shit out. She would have posted a pic on Instagram of Joe putting costume on her cat last Halloween if she could have. She had to stab herself in the thigh with her keys every time they wore matching outfits and she opened her front camera or this narrative would’ve been destroyed.

“Taylor has been insanely private about her relationship with Joe,” a source tells PEOPLE exclusively about the couple, who have been dating for several months. “She wanted to get to know him without any chaos. She has learned from the past.” Jetting in under the radar and reportedly renting a house in North London, Swift is determined to keep her relationship out of the spotlight — and so is Alwyn.

Yet here we all are reading about it. And the whole “- and so is Alwyn” is super cute like he has any fucking say in this at all. Her PR team probably put a black hood on him, threw him in a van, and has doing red carpet prep right now.  We all know how this is gonna end. Joe isn’t gonna text back one day within the timeframe stipulated in his signed agreement and Taylor will break up with him (and we’ll know about it the next day via her PR team), then 6 months later she’ll have a new album called, Songs With Thinly Veiled References to Joe Alwyn, since she has to go through men like tampons and still play the victim. Pretty sure this is some sort of preexisting condition.

 

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Ed Sheeran Says He’s Banged Most Of Taylor Swift’s Friends
Ed Sheeran Says He’s Banged Most Of Taylor Swift’s Friends

 

I always thought Ed Sheeran defends Taylor Swift at every opportunity because he’s hoping that will make her let him sniff it at least once. I was wrong. Ed Sheeran defends Taylor Swift at every opportunity because she supplied him with a never-ending stream of pussy.

His next tour was considerably bigger: a 66-date run opening for Swift…..Offstage, this was his most romantically prolific period. He says he hooked up with some of Swift’s famous friends. “Taylor’s world is celebrity,” says Sheeran. “I was this 22-year-old awkward British kid going on tour with the biggest artist in America, who has all these famous mates. It was very easy. … I would often find myself in situations just kind of waking up and looking over and being like, ‘How the fuck did that happen?’ ”

I used to live in the same duplex as three chicks in a sorority, and I can attest to the power of your sorority chick neighbors saying you’re cool to their sorority sisters then their sorority sisters wanting bang you. It was a glorious time. I can’t really speak on Ed Sheeran’s time. He looks like Emo Baggins, so Taylor Swift’s power of suggestion must border on the supernatural.

 

 

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