Taylor Swift, our reigning flawless bisexual possible lesbian queen, managed to avoid the gravitational pull of Leonardo DiCaprio’s penis, because instead of Art Basel, she went to the Jingle Bell Ball instead. And she wore this dress. Whatever she wears you want to rip it off, because I’m pretty sure her vagina smells like cotton candy and tastes like bubble gum. Unlike yours. Yours is gross. What is that smell? Is that you?
Forget other things you might have read, but Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss having sex is the most important story of the day. Sorry. But as they do, Gossip Cop likes to ruin everything.
There’s nothing “#confirmed” about the alleged makeout session. Swift and Kloss are good pals who have held hands in public and been affectionate toward each other countless times. While the hazy photos from Thursday show Swift and Kloss embracing and it looks like they could be kissing, they actually were just trying to hear each other in the midst of a loud concert. A rep for Swift laughed off the Kloss rumor when Gossip Cop inquired, exclusively telling us the latest online gossip was “hilarious.” Swift and Kloss are friends and nothing more. Apologies to everyone who prefers the more sensational version of the story.
We can go with the “the concert was loud” angle if you want, but unless this is how Taylor Swift feeds Karlie Kloss, this is clearly a kiss. Klearly. Khis kis kotal kand komplete kissing kand khey krobably kent kome kand kanged christ Karlie Kloss has a dumb name.
Hey, remember when Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss started hanging out all the time and Taylor, who usually has a different boyfriend every other week, said she was over dating and really wasn’t looking for a relationship anymore and wanted to focus on herself? I think “focus on herself” means “stare at myself in the mirror while Karlie goes down on me”. You know how girls say stuff that means something else like “it’s cool you didn’t text me back, no worries I know you were busy” and stuff like that.
Taylor Swift is all about feminism and girl power, until you know, another girl publicly insults her, then of course, like most women, Swift has zero chill and the girl then becomes Taylor Swift’s sworn enemy who she must destroy and not be satisfied until she drinks her blood from a boot. So let’s flashback to last year when Jessica Hart had this to say about Taylor Swift’s performance during the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.
“God bless her (Taylor Swift’s) heart. I think she’s great. But I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit. I don’t know if I should say that.”
Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Actually it does, because anybody who lives in the South understands from an early age that “bless your heart” means “go fuck yourself”, because in the civilized parts of the South, we like to insult you, smile, and walk away without making a big deal out of it and with minimal drama. So everything Jessica Hart said after “God bless her heart”, is hollow and meaningless and should be read as, “Fuck her. Her music sucks and they could have picked somebody who doesn’t suck so much. She really fucking sucks. Sorry, not sorry.” Enter 2014. The year where Taylor Swift plays the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show again, but Jessica Hart was passed over to be one of the models.
“It’s not been announced that Jessica is not walking, but it was a direct request from Taylor that this be the case if she were to go,” one well-placed Victoria’s Secret insider tells Confidenti@l. “No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show. They want to keep that under wraps, but that’s the facts.”
Well, she wasn’t in the show. so there’s that. For all of Swift’s inspirational and feigned feminism, she basically just walks around waiting for someone to say she might not be a fantastic musical goddess, then she fucks with their employment and lives. Sounds about right. Girl power and all that.
I thought for a second Taylor Swift fucked her spray tan at the 2014 AMAs, but then I realized she’s a flawless beauty who looks perfect at all times and this is just how her dress is supposed to look. I didn’t watch the AMAs last night, but I knew she would probably win something, because have you listened to the radio lately? If so, why are you doing that? Why do you hate yourself? You should learn to love yourself. I just like Taylor Swift at award shows because at some point she’ll be in the press room holding a phallic symbol next to her face. That’s something that I enjoy a great deal.
Taylor Swift seems to be one of those “cool chicks” that pretends to like sports to get you to like her, but internally she’s having a panic attack because she’s missing something on Bravo. Anyway, here she is with at a Knicks game with Amanda Seyfried. Nobody is this excited to be at at Knicks game.
Since Katy Perry‘s tits have infected his brain, Diplo started some shit with her sworn enemy, Taylor Swift, over Twitter then got smacked down by Lorde. That really should have been the end of it, but I guess Katy Perry told him he had to keep it going if he wanted to titty fuck her again, so her posted this pic on Instagram with the caption “MY DICK GETS MORE HITS THEN TAYLOR SWIFT“. All these chicks in this picture look like they were freed from a cargo tanker by the Coast Guard, yet he wants to make fun of Taylor Swift’s ass. I don’t know, it looks pretty lickable to me. I guess it’s just kinda hard to figure out who the girl is in this whole scenario.
Diplo (real name Thomas Pentz) is an American DJ and rapper, so off top you pretty much know he’s a douche. So, of course, that means Katy Perry will let him get his penis near her vagina that abandoned Christ and his teachings. Katy Perry also hates Taylor Swift, so what better way to plant a shade tree than to tell Diplo to make fun of the chick who sold 1.5M albums in it’s first week while your album sold 51,000 when it came out? Unfortunately for Diplo, Lorde saw it.
@diplo should we do something about your tiny penis while we’re at it hm
— Lorde (@lordemusic) November 13, 2014
I guess you can’t blame Diplo for trying to keep his tiny penis in between Katy Perry’s rack at all costs, but maybe he should have used his million Twitter followers to support a better cause: fixing Katy Perry’s eye that looks like it’s floating in water. She probably uses a lot of sunscreen, because people would mistake her Forest Whitaker. Eye up here, Katy.
Unlike Kim Kardashian or Kanye West, Taylor Swift sold a million albums in a week, so you can see that she has a pretty good reason to show up to Good Morning America because she’s actually promoting something. Like I said, I haven’t been to sleep, but I listened to her whole album last night and my only issue with it is that the download didn’t include a hairbrush and a table. God, I need sleep. If Paper really wanted to break the Internet, they’d put Taylor Swift’s ass on the cover because only like six people have ever seen it. Maybe seven. The chick is flawless. If I was a serial killer, I’d totally make lamps out of her legs and display them in a prominent place in my home.
Taylor Swift released her music video for “Blank Space” today, and you’ll probably find this really hard to believe, but it’s about dudes that she’s dated. I know, right?! So not like her. Anyway, just watch the video. If Taylor Swift texted me, I’d throw my phone in the ocean then dive in and get it and burn it just to make sure.