Taylor Swift Wants To ‘Destroy’ Calvin Harris & Tom Hiddleston On Her New Album
Taylor Swift Wants To ‘Destroy’ Calvin Harris & Tom Hiddleston On Her New Album


You might want to sit down for this, because you’re not gonna believe it, but Taylor Swift is planning to write horrible shit about Calvin Harris and Tom Hiddleston on her next album. I know, right?! So unlike her. 

“Taylor’s been left fuming and is going to use her next album to restore her reputation and set the record straight,” says one insider. “She says she’ll destroy Calvin and Tom – she’s determined to get payback revealing details which, until now, she’d promised to keep secret.” 

Buy why though? For the most Taylor Swift reason possible: she’s a petulant child with only pettiness to keep her heart beating (her petty fire mixtape of the last calendar year track listing: Track 1, Track 2, Track 3, Track 4). 

Apparently it’s not so much the breakups that have outraged Taylor, but the way both Hiddleston and Harris seemed to welcome the attention that followed their respective splits: “Taylor’s blood was boiling when Tom’s camp waded in with stories slamming her,” the source says. “This was made worse by Calvin’s comments, which felt like another dig, as she said Calvin was twisting the knife when her reputation was already at an all-time low.”

Ugh, why can’t they just let her PR team answer with her usual victimization auto-responder and let her get all the attention? Why do these men always have to tell their side of the story even though she implicitly made them sign the NDA? Maybe the crochet pattern she got off Etsy was hard to read. It might not even be a legal document. 


#fbf 


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Taylor Swift Is Already Lining Up Zac Efron To Victimize Her Next, Guys

Taylor Swift has been single for a whole 9 days and is passing the time by inviting herself on her friend’s dates, but her heart yearns for third dude in this calendar year. So, who is the lucky man to be painted by her PR team and Gigi Hadid as an evil douche who refused to climb Taylor’s hair up the tower by Christmas? Zac Efron

She’s been talking about him nonstop since her breakup with Tom. She’s always said she feels a strong connection to Zac, but could never act on it because they’ve always been dating other people. Taylor and Zac have always been pretty flirty with each other.”

Efron split from Sami Miro back in April, and it’s unclear at this time if Selena Gomez forwarded Swift the Google alert or not. In any case, Swift is already texting him with viable marketing solutions for his brand. 

“She’s reached out to Zac and told him that they should hang out and maybe go to dinner together, and he’s into it. It just hasn’t happened yet because of their schedules.”

The last two men Swift has dated have been British, and obviously Zac Efron is American. With all this Facebook mandated patriotism lately, this is a brilliant move by her PR team. Her eventual song “Brexit” will just write itself and is sure to be a huge hit. 

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Tom Hiddleston Allegedly Dumped Taylor Swift Because She Was Boring
Tom Hiddleston Allegedly Dumped Taylor Swift Because She Was Boring


Earlier this week, Taylor Swift‘s team actually wanted you to believe that she was the one who put the brakes on the relationship” with Tom Hiddleston. Yeah, ok. Now Tom Hiddleston’s friends say he broke up with her because she was boring. 

But now friends of Tom Hiddleston have come forward to claim it was in fact he who decided to give Taylor Swift the boot as he had grown ‘tired of her.’ The 35-year-old Thor star is said to be so fickle with women that he dumps them all with monotonous regularity, a development which led his associates christening the time frame as ‘the three month rule.’  A theatre producer who worked with the wannabe James Bond on Coriolanus told Heat Street: ‘The reports are wide of the mark and come as news to all Tom’s friends. ‘He grew tired of Taylor, it wasn’t the other way round.’

Like, I want to believe this, but then I remember that he used to date this. And she had him dying of thirst. Anyway, this whole story is also boring now.  Just like their eventual sex tape that will leak which will basically be Taylor giving him handjob and stopping every 30 seconds because Tom isn’t maintaining eye contact. 


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Calvin Harris Says Taylor Swift ‘Clearly Wasn’t Right’
Calvin Harris Says Taylor Swift ‘Clearly Wasn’t Right’


It’s been a good week for Calvin Harris. He’s banging this, and he won Solo Artist Of The Year Award at the GQ Men Of The Year Awards (where this attended). He was also interviewed in the October 2016 of British GQ. Guess what he talked about? 

“It’s very difficult when something I consider so personal plays out very publicly,” he says. “The aftermath of the relationship was way more heavily publicised than the relationship itself. When we were together, we were very careful for it not to be a media circus. She respected my feelings in that sense. I’m not good at being a celebrity.”

Calvin wouldn’t let Taylor call the paparazzi to take pics of them on rocks, and they never appeared on red carpets together, so he should have known her life force requires constant attention and validation. But in the end, Taylor eventually got the drama she lives for. 

“But when it ended, all hell broke loose. Now I see that Twitter thing as a result of me succumbing to pressure. It took me a minute to realise that none of that matters. I’m a positive guy. For both of us it was the wrong situation. It clearly wasn’t right, so it ended, but all of the stuff that happened afterwards…”

And by “that Twitter thing”, Calvin Harris is, of course, referring to when Taylor Swift’s team leaked the news that she co-wrote Calvin Harris‘ hit with Rihanna, “This Is What You Came For”. Why? Because she felt “disrespected”. She felt so disrespected that she had her team  release this news less than a month after she had a staged photo op to announce her relationship with Tom Hiddleston. You remember Tom Hiddleston? It’s the dude she cheated on Harris with at the Met Ball. The dude who already broke with up her. There’s really no other bland white dude left for Taylor to date now besides Tim Tebow. 


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Taylor Swift And Tom Hiddleston Split
Taylor Swift And Tom Hiddleston Split


In news that will come as a shock no one, Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have split after three months. So whose PR team got out in front of this first to explain the ending of the greatest love story of our time? That was rhetorical btw. 

“She was the one to put the brakes on the relationship,” a source close to the couple tells Us. “Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than she was comfortable with. Taylor knew the backlash that comes with public displays of affection but Tom didn’t listen to her concerns when she brought them up.” Now that they’ve split, the source says, Hiddleston is “embarrassed that the relationship fizzled out.”

Too public. Taylor Swift was concerned this relationship was too public. You said Taylor Swift said this. I mean, what else is her PR team gonna say at this point? Probably that her next album is gonna be a double album then.  Gotta fit Calvin, Kim, Kanye, Tom, and a Lupus awareness ballad for Selena in there. Or she could just finally come out and get it over with. I don’t think anybody has ever tried to convince themselves they love dick this much. 


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Taylor Swift Isn’t Attending The VMAs FYI
Taylor Swift Isn’t Attending The VMAs FYI


Not sure if anybody asked, but a Taylor Swift “insider” told People that Swift won’t be attending the 2o16 MTV VMAs. 

“Taylor was never scheduled to attend the VMAs.”

Ok, thanks? I won’t lose sleep over this anymore knowing you won’t be attending because you weren’t nominated for anything and you don’t really attend things unless the focus is solely on you. But you know who did get nominated for a bunch of awards? 

Kanye West will have free reign over the stage at this weekend’s MTV VMAs and show producers are expecting something big … they just have no idea WHAT it will be.  A source close to production tells us MTV honchos are giving ‘Ye 4 minutes to do with as he pleases. He can rap, sing, dance or even just stay silent … and we’re told show producers are totally clueless which door he’ll pick.

Long story short, Taylor Swift isn’t attending because she wants none of that. Tom Hiddleston wants none of that. I want a burrito so I’m about to order one. Sorry. Didn’t really know how to end this.


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Taylor Swift Wants To Buy Back Our Love
Taylor Swift Wants To Buy Back Our Love


Taylor Swift has been pretty quiet since, well, this whole thing, but she donated $1M to the Louisiana flood relief effort. Gary Johnson should mention this when he’s talking at the the television when he’s watching the debates. Here’s her statement. 

“We began The 1989 World Tour in Louisiana, and the wonderful fans there made us feel completely at home. The fact that so many people in Louisiana have been forced out of their own homes this week is heartbreaking. I encourage those who can to help out and send your love and prayers their way during this devastating time.”

Say what you will about Taylor Swift, but a million dollars is a million dollars. If it “rubs you the wrong way” that she made this donation publicly, you might want to refrain from telling people what to do with their own money. Then you should probably go fuck yourself. Or you can go anonymously donate the $10 you had left over from your check so you can feel morally superior. I’m sure the victims will appreciate the three bottles of water that will buy or whatever. Good looking out. 


[ banner pic = Instagram ]

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Taylor Swift Wore Some “Booty” Shorts

I guess today is ass day or things that pass for asses day, so here’s Taylor Swift going to the gym yesterday in these shorts that I assume were custom made or bought in the kid’s department. Remember these pics? Those pics led us astray. Those pics lied to us. Hillary Clinton rigged Taylor’s ass that’s the only explanation. When will Hillary be held accountable for her crimes that I see in Infowars videos? From what I can tell, she has people assassinated, she can control elections, all media, the FBI, the Department of Justice, embassies, and created ISIS all while having Parkinson’s. Michael J. Fox has Parkinson’s and he can’t even sit through an interview. Hillary might even be able to control the weather. Maybe we shouldn’t fuck with this lady.  

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Taylor Swift Is A Brave Hero

While her prince is in Australia having his lawyers work on a viable exit strategy, Taylor Swift is still in NYC braving the walk to her car on the way to the gym. I don’t get the pants or why she keeps puling her shirt down. I guess she has reasons for both. Probably best that we don’t speculate. 

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It’s A Taylor Swift Sighting

Here’s Taylor Swift leaving her apartment in NYC yesterday surrounded by the Swift Secret Service, because if someone looks her in the eye while she walks among the commoners, she’ll have witnesses to testify during her eventual lawsuit. Tom Hiddleston is, I assume, in Australia, where he’s filming Thor: Unwanted Sequel and adding special instructions to his living will. 

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