Ruby Rose Wants To Bang Taylor Swift

Ruby Rose, Orange Is The Black star and person who made every woman on my Facebook feed question their sexuality, isn’t an ass man. I hope they scissor somewhere that rains a lot because if they try to do it California the whole state is gonna look like an exploded meth lab and you’ll only be able to identify people who still have their Starbucks’ cups fused to their hands.

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Well, This Is Unfortunate

Taylor Swift is on her 1989 World Tour right now, and as you can see at the SSE Hydro in Glasgow last night, she forget her ass in customs. Like, it’s gone. There’s literally nothing. Sometimes I forget that her legs are attached to what in theory can be called her ass. All her boyfriends probably leave because they get shrapnel when trying to hit from behind.

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Apple Is Under Investigation Because Of Taylor Swift

Yesterday, Apple caved like Nikki Haley under public opinion when Taylor Swift called them out for not paying artists during the free trial of Apple Music.  Why? Because Apple is under investigation for conspiring with Taylor Swift to make other people leave Spotify. 

Apple’s streaming service costs $9.99 a month, which is the same price as Spotify’s. However, Spotify also offers freemium services that are typically free trials supported by advertising revenues. Spotify and many other companies that use the freemium business model hope users will eventually pay for subscriptions that include the same services with bonus perks (ad-free music, listening offline) after their trial has expired. Investigators want to know whether Apple is pressuring or conspiring with other music labels to withdraw their artists from platforms utilizing freemium services.  Wildly famous and successful pop singer Taylor Swift pulled her music from Spotify last fall before releasing her record-hitting album “1989,” which sold a million copies within its first week. She has since joined Apple’s music services after protesting against Spotify last year for giving away artists’ music for free.

So basically, Apple told Taylor Swift to leave Spotify and they’d pay her, then they announced she wouldn’t get paid for the first three months. Then Taylor Swift said nah dog, remember our deal? Don’t make me snitch. Then Apple said lol we was just playin chill. Then Taylor Swift said ok then went to crotchet or make a handmade candle or something like that.

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Taylor Swift Kicked Apple In The Dick

Apple, who made $182B last year, thought it would a good idea to not pay artists during the free three month trial period for their new music streaming service, Apple Music. Unfortunately, musicians aren’t Chinese children who you don’t have to pay to make iPhones, so the biggest musical artist in the world right now took issue with that. That artist being Taylor Swift, who didn’t have stationary and a quill nearby, so she wrote a really long open letter to Apple and posted it on the most Taylor Swift place imaginable: Tumblr  (read it here). And before Lena Dunham had a chance to print the post off and take it to Michael’s, Apple’s senior vice president of Internet Software and Services, Eddy Cue (nice pun on the last name), tweeted “#AppleMusic will pay artist for streaming, even during customer’s free trial period“. In repsonse, Katy Perry is also considering writing a letter on MySpace to Napster.

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Taylor Swift And Selena Gomez Went On A Date

In a shocking turn of events, Taylor Swift has a boyfriend and Selena Gomez does not, so Taylor Swift took Selena Gomez to the only place that would help: a restaurant. Selena is walking like twenty feet ahead, because I assume this place has free chips and salsa and/or breadsticks.

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Katy Perry Wants None Of Taylor Swift

There’s nothing more hilarious than two white chicks who hate each other, because it’s mostly just passive aggressive shade and subtweets, so when Taylor Swift dropped Bad Blood, Katy Perry vowed revenge and through a third party, she dictated her plot for vengeance. Her plot for vengeance, of course, being another diss track. That’s cute. So when Katy Perry registered a track called “1984”, which of course is basically the same as the title of Taylor Swift’s last album, people just knew Perry’s was about to drop a cliche-riddled summer banger that gets heavy rotation because Katy Perry’s label has that in their budget.

Is Katy Perry finally firing back at Taylor Swift? According to her music publisher’s site, BMI, the “Roar” singer has registered a track called “1984” and fans are speculating the jam is her response to Swift’s hit track “Bad Blood” off her fifth studio album 1989. “Katy Perry just registered a song called ‘1984.’ Is she trying to come for Taylor???” one fan tweeted, while another offered: “KATY PERRY HAS RECORDED A SONG CALLED ‘1984’ THE SHADE IS SO REAL OMG.” 

However, when reached for comment, Katy Perry’s managers’ said, “look, we sat this bitch down in several seats. all good now.”

Katy Perry’s managers at Direct Management Group tell Us Weekly that the “Roar” hitmaker has no plans to wage a musical battle with Taylor Swift.

Look, we’ve all heard Taylor Swift’s songs, and we’ve all heard Katy Perry’s songs. If we’re being honest about our feelings for each, Katy Perry would just end up embarrassing herself worse than she does already. Amy Winehouse’s corpse can sing better than Katy Perry, and her lyrical writing style ends when she finds two words that kinda rhyme. Like, if Katy Perry had a double mastectomy, what other purpose would she serve on this planet? I’m hard pressed to think of one.

 

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Here’s Taylor Swift Not Caring

Speaking of Taylor Swift, here she is walking around in NYC with her legs and her legs saying idgaf about what Katy Perry is having John Mayer write by promising him that he can spill his seed on her tits during It’s A Small World. I don’t really no why Taylor Swift is wearing overalls, but I’m just trying to figure out how I can get her to take those off and leave everything else on while I cook dinner. The guy in the back who looks like he bought clothes in 1992 and said, “I’m good for while” knows what I’m talking about. He wants to pretend he doesn’t, but he knows. We all know.

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John Mayer Is Helping Katy Perry Write A Song About Taylor Swift

Katy Perry and John Mayer were seen together at Disneyland this week, so if Katy’s plan was to take Mayer to the happiest place on Earth then rub her titties in his face, it apparently worked because he’s helping her write her own diss track, a response to Taylor Swift‘s  “Bad Blood”, because Katy Perry is a child. Also, please keep in mind that both Katy Perry and John Mayer are both over 30.

Katy Perry was noticeably absent from the Billboards because, well, Taylor Swift…But apparently K-Pez was all set to go to the awards (she had an eyelash appointment and everything!), but boyfriend (and ex-boyfriend of Taylor Swift) John Mayer persuaded her not to go. “John convinced her it was a bad idea,” Katy’s friend told heat magazine. “Katy realised she couldn’t stand the idea of the cameras being on her face as she had to watch Taylor win every award with all her friends applauding her.” “Katy thinks revenge is a dish best served cold,” the friend added. “She’s even more determined to show people what she calls ‘the real Taylor’ – she’s writing some big, anthemic-type songs that’ll feature dirt on Taylor that John’s told her from when they used to date. “Katy’s sure that she’ll be back on top before long, and Taylor will regret ever starting this stupid row.”

I’m not sure you can call it a “diss track” if somebody else writes it for you, bit Katy Perry is a Christian, so revenge is kinda what they’re known for besides potlucks and being obsessed with gay sex instead of child molesters. I guess they good thing about Mayer writing this is that it won’t be a three-minute string of cliches that she randomized to kinda rhyme.  Also, again, Katy Perry is 30 years old. Her burn book is still on MySpace.

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Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris Went On A Date

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris have been dating for a few months now, but I think this is first time they’ve been on any photo agencies together I think. I’m not sure. Mostly because I’m still hoping for Taylor and Karlie to get back together. This is my dream. Anyway, Taylor has a pretty smug look on her face (for all you haters), and Calvin is okay with holding hands and shopping for cat clothes if it means wrapping her legs around his head in between episodes of their daily Law & Order: SVU marathons.

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Taylor Swift Is Great At Stunts
 

Go to 1:42 of the #BadBloodMusicVideo to see the take where I got it right. This, however, was the first take. #stuntFAIL

A video posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

I was unaware that Taylor Swift could do anything more awkward than this kiss, but that’s before she decided to do her own stunts for the Bad Blood music video. I know there were a lot of people in this thing, but she probably should have called the Kool-Aid Man.

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