Taylor Swift Hasn’t Had The D In 18 Months

Taylor Swift performed on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night looking sexy as hell, but I just needed pictures to post with the story that claims she hasn’t been boned for a year and a half, because she’s looking for “someone pretty damn special” and because “a relationship is not in my brain right now” even though all her songs about dudes she probably would be still be with if they didn’t dump her so know she just chills with cats. I don’t know. I’ll let you decide of this story is true or not while you click through the 28 pics of Taylor Swift in skin tight pants

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Taylor Swift Still Has No Clue
Taylor Swift Still Has No Clue

 

Taylor Swift makes her debut on the cover of British Vogue this month, and since they also asked her to open her mouth, Taylor Swift brought up her recent favorite subject: constantly talking about how she doesn’t want to date anyone. You know, unless someone offers.

Dating or finding someone is the last thing on my mind, because I can’t picture how it could work with the way my life is,” she added. “I don’t know how a guy is supposed to walk next to his girlfriend when there are 20 men with cameras, and he can’t protect his girlfriend because that’s the life she chose. I just don’t see how it could work, so I don’t think about it, and I kind of run from it when it presents itself. ‘Cause I don’t think any guy really… They think that they would want to get to know me, and maybe date me, but I don’t think they want what comes with it.”

Yep, that’s it. Men who date you are worried about cameras following them. Especially the famous men who you’ve dated that surprisingly had their pictures taken before and after they dated you. Maybe they only had 10 cameras around then. Not sure they could handle that extra 10. Another theory floating around is that they know that as soon as they breakup with you, you’ll write an entire album about them. Or they know that you have spent so much time with cats that you can seemingly control their natural instinct to apathetically kill at will and carry them around NYC like a chihuahua who just got sedated for a road trip.  Keep in mind that these are just theories, so they might not be true. Like we have Ebola in America now because we took God out of Dallas airports.

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Taylor Swift Did iHeartRadio

 

Say what you want about Taylor Swift, but she could get it. She could get it at least five times a day depending on what time we wake up or if we have something to do early the next morning. Just to let you know how serious I am about this premise, Ariana Grande was also at iHeartRadio and I scrolled past those. Just like I do my cousin’s Facebook statuses about how Obama is a lizard alien who wants to take our guns because we’ll be easier to colonize. I think he might be hanging out with the wrong people. I might mention something to him about it at the next family reunion that I never attend.

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Taylor Swift Is Pretty Basic
Taylor Swift Is Pretty Basic

 

White bitches love fall. Basic white bitches who really love fall post about it on Tumblr. Take it away, Taylor Swift.

There’s nothing like just apple picking in the Fall, the first cold New York weather hitting you, the fashion sense steaming up, and the fresh apple cider and donuts. I LOVE THE FALL. And hats and scarves and knee socks and wearing tights for the first time in months and when the mornings are all chilly and you can see your breath and draw little pictures on foggy windows and plaid stuff and ANKLE BOOTS and not caring when people make fun of pumpkin flavored stuff cause you LOVE IT and are happy it’s all the rage and people who dress their dogs in costumes on Halloween and fires in fireplaces and maroon/hunter green/mustard yellow color combos and baking your first fall batch of cookies but you put too much cinnamon in it because you’re TOO EXCITED BECAUSE IT’S FALL.

Real bitches love summer, because summer is when they can wear bikinis and summer dresses and yoga pants. Taylor Swift likes drawing little pictures on foggy windows and plaid stuff and cookies. Why is she single again?

 

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Taylor Swift’s Song “Bad Blood” Is About Katy Perry
Taylor Swift’s Song “Bad Blood” Is About Katy Perry

 

Taylor Swift‘s interview in this month’s issue of Rolling Stone pretty much confirms everything you need to know about Taylor Swift. She’s legit crazy. Not normal girl crazy, like for real.  But if she was ever sent to death row for killing a boyfriend, the Governor would commute her sentence, because she’s mentally slow and more than likely has the brain development of a 8-year old. Anyway, since she hasn’t dated anyone since Harry Styles, she can’t really fill any more of her platinum selling burn books with shit about dudes anymore, she wrote a song about Katy Perry. Oohh, drama!

According to the magazine, Swift has this to say about the unidentified female celebrity: “For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life? [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy!” Swift further explained: “It had to do with business. … She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational — you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

So how do we know this about Katy Perry? Because Katy Perry’s Google alerts informed her then she tweeted this. So who really wins here? Nobody. The answer is nobody. This is a fight between an asexual sociopath and a record label created abomination who has a song on the radio right now that rhymes “Japanese-y” with “Mariah Carey”.  Let’s put Katy Perry’s top half on Taylor Swift’s bottom half so we can all win. Also, while they’re both under, fix Katy’s weird left eye.

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The “Shake It Off” Video Outtakes Are A PSA
The “Shake It Off” Video Outtakes Are A PSA

 

Taylor Swift dropped her video for “Shake It Off” at the height of the unrest in Ferguson, making many people absurdly claim that it was “inherently offensive and ultimately harmful” without even watching the damn thing. They should have saved their outrage for the outtakes, because it’s about 3 mins of a beautiful, blonde, rich, famous, and skinny white girl detailing her struggles with fitting in. The location of the candlelight vigil hasn’t been determined at this time.

 

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There’s A Few Things Wrong With Taylor Swift

 

Man, Taylor Swift is cute, isn’t she? All hot legs and her Holy Grail-like quest for love. But mostly the legs. You know what’s not cute? Her 2014 MTV VMAs performance of “Shake It Off” with her vocals isolated. Christ. Instead of moving in across the street from 17-year old Kennedy boys, maybe she should, I don’t know, move in across the street from a vocal coach. Scratch that. Ask the vocal coach if she has a spare bedroom then move into that. If you’re busy, I can look around Craigslist and shoot you some links.

 

 Also, attended an award show, and every time she does, it just further explains why she can’t keep a man. Because at award shows, Taylor Swift dances. Here’s a Vine of Taylor Swift dancing last night. Now imagine that naked. It’d be like fucking a epileptic on a waterbed.

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Ferguson Would Be Fine If Taylor Swift Didn’t Make A Music Video
Ferguson Would Be Fine If Taylor Swift Didn’t Make A Music Video

 

Taylor Swift released her video for “Shake It Off” earlier this week, and since it dropped during the Ferguson riots, and since  it contains :45 of people twerking and Taylor dressed as a breakdancer, obviously you can tell by not watching it that it’s “inherently offensive and ultimately harmful” and it is ripping the bandage off our nation’s collective healing process by being yet another example of a white artist appropriating “black culture”. I mean, obviously.  Speaking of stereotypes, the “feminist” blog  Jezebel jumped in, and they weren’t satisfied to just fire off a tweet, they systematically ripped the pretty girl to shreds. Yay for girl power and all that. Anyway, director Mark Romanek (the guy who directed all your favorite video from the 90s  that weren’t directed by Spike Jonze or Michel Gondry) sat down with Vulture to address the controversy.

We simply choose styles of dance that we thought would be popular and amusing and cast the best dancers that were presented to us without much regard to race or ethnicity. If you look at it carefully, it’s a massively inclusive piece. It’s very, very innocently and positively intentioned. And — let’s remember — it’s a satirical piece. It’s playing with a whole range of music-video tropes and clichés and stereotypes.

I don’t know about you, but what’s more “inherently offensive and ultimately harmful”? A dorky white girl with no real perspective on herself or love life trying to be funny and endearing, or a black artist in a thong rapping about giving up the ass to a coke dealer? I wonder which one young, impressionable black girl will pay more attention to? But if we want to argue this while martial law and racial tensions that have nothing to do with a skinny white girl in a ballerina outfit burn Ferguson to the ground, I guess we can. Let me go grab another coffee right quick. Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.

 

 

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Taylor Swift Is Probably Banging John Mayer Again
Taylor Swift Is Probably Banging John Mayer Again

 

Since Taylor Swift has undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder,  she writes songs calling out all her ex-boyfriends where nothing is ever her fault even though she’s always the common denominator. Usually she’s cool with being passive aggressive, but she specifically wrote a song called “Dear John”. A song that was clearly about John Mayer. People say “Shake It Off” is about John Mayer, but I don’t know, I’ve never heard it. However, John Mayer likes vagina, so none of this really matters either way.  Anyway, they hung out last night and Taylor had her blowjob lipstick on.

OMG! Taylor Swift was spotted leaving Chateau Marmont on Aug. 20 — at the same time as her ex, John Mayer! This is the same ex that Taylor dissed in not one, but two songs, including her latest hit, ‘Shake It Off!’ Are they back together? This is a little too much to be coincidental! John Mayer, 36, and Taylor Swift were both dining at LA hotspot, Chateau Marmont. New photos have surfaced of them leaving and the 24-year-old singer looks happy, regardless of the fact that she was just at the same spot as the ex who really hurt her! Did they eat dinner together? Taylor Swift & John Mayer Back Together In the pics, John is dressed in a bright blue suit and is sporting very Johnny Depp-like glasses, while Taylor looks cute in black and her signature red lips — perfect for a date!

Are Taylor Swift and John Mayer secretly having sex? ISIS should hold Justin Bieber captive until we as Americans have some answers. I’m not really sure what this will accomplishment exactly, but if nothing else, Bieber gets his head cut off.

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