Taylor Swift Won Something At The AMAs

I thought for a second Taylor Swift fucked her spray tan at the 2014 AMAs, but then I realized she’s a flawless beauty who looks perfect at all times and this is just how her dress is supposed to look. I didn’t watch the AMAs last night, but I knew she would probably win something, because have you listened to the radio lately? If so, why are you doing that? Why do you hate yourself? You should learn to love yourself. I just like Taylor Swift at award shows because at some point she’ll be in the press room holding a phallic symbol next to her face.  That’s something that I enjoy a great deal.

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Taylor Swift Seems To Really Enjoy Basketball

Taylor Swift seems to be one of those “cool chicks” that pretends to like sports to get you to like her, but internally she’s having a panic attack because she’s missing something on Bravo. Anyway, here she is with at a Knicks game with Amanda Seyfried. Nobody is this excited to be at at Knicks game.

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Diplo Seems Pretty Mature
Diplo Seems Pretty Mature

 

Since Katy Perry‘s tits have infected his brain, Diplo started some shit with her sworn enemy, Taylor Swift, over Twitter then got smacked down by Lorde. That really should have been the end of it, but I guess Katy Perry told him he had to keep it going if he wanted to titty fuck her again, so her posted this pic on Instagram with the caption MY DICK GETS MORE HITS THEN TAYLOR SWIFT. All these chicks in this picture look like they were freed from a cargo tanker by the Coast Guard, yet he wants to make fun of Taylor Swift’s ass. I don’t know, it looks pretty lickable to me. I guess it’s just kinda hard to figure out who the girl is in this whole scenario.

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Lorde Says Katy Perry’s Boyfriend Has A Small Penis

Diplo (real name Thomas Pentz) is an American DJ and rapper, so off top you pretty much know he’s a douche. So, of course, that means Katy Perry will let him get his penis near her vagina that abandoned Christ and his teachings. Katy Perry also hates Taylor Swift, so what better way to plant a shade tree than to tell Diplo to make fun of the chick who sold 1.5M albums in it’s first week while your album sold 51,000 when it came out? Unfortunately for Diplo, Lorde saw it.

 

I guess you can’t blame Diplo for trying to keep his tiny penis in between Katy Perry’s rack at all costs, but maybe he should have used his million Twitter followers to support a better cause: fixing Katy Perry’s eye that looks like it’s floating in water. She probably uses a lot of sunscreen, because people would mistake her Forest Whitaker. Eye up here, Katy.

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Hey There, Taylor Swift

Unlike Kim Kardashian or Kanye West, Taylor Swift sold a million albums in a week, so you can see that she has a pretty good reason to show up to Good Morning America because she’s actually promoting something.  Like I said, I haven’t been to sleep, but I listened to her whole album last night and my only issue with it is that the download didn’t include a hairbrush and a table. God, I need sleep. If Paper really wanted to break the Internet, they’d put Taylor Swift’s ass on the cover because only like six people have ever seen it. Maybe seven. The chick is flawless. If I was a serial killer, I’d totally make lamps out of her legs and display them in a prominent place in my home.

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Taylor Swift’s Music Video For “Blank Space” Is Batshit
Taylor Swift’s Music Video For “Blank Space” Is Batshit

 

Taylor Swift released her music video for “Blank Space” today, and you’ll probably find this really hard to believe, but it’s about dudes that she’s dated. I know, right?! So not like her. Anyway, just watch the video. If Taylor Swift texted me, I’d throw my phone in the ocean then dive in and get it and burn it just to make sure.

 

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Taylor Swift Is A Pegacorn
Taylor Swift Is A Pegacorn

 

Look, Taylor Swift is adorable. There’s really no way around it, and at this point, if you don’t like her, please realize it’s a personal problem. I really don’t know why she can’t keep a man other than the obvious, but I could probably overlook that. I think I’m pretty much convinced her vagina smells like strawberries and possibilities.

 

pic source = Instagram

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Taylor Swift Is Super Committed To This Wardrobe Choice

Taylor Swift is performing on basically every show where you can perform to promote her new album “1989″ even though she doesn’t need to, so here she is on Good Morning America in usual her basic outfit of high-waisted shorts and whatever you call this kind of shirt. Based on these pics, she has like three dance moves, so she’s probably a dead lay. But dem legs and that face tho. I’m not allergic to cats, so should hit me up. I”ll be getting my tires rotated at 3, but I’m free pretty much any time after that until 9.

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Taylor Swift’s “1989″ Is Gonna Sell A Million Copies In A Week

Basics have a lot of disposable income.

Industry sources now forecast the album to sell at least one million copies in its first week. That would make 1989 just the 19th album to sell a million in a single week since Nielsen SoundScan started tracking sales in 1991, and Swift the first act to earn three million-selling weeks. The new album is Swift’s fifth studio effort, released through Big Machine Records on Oct. 27. Its sales forecast is for the tracking week ending Nov. 2. It could mark Swift’s third million-selling debut in a row, following 2010′s Speak Now (1.05 million) and 2012′s Red (1.21 million). Two weeks ago, forecasters pegged the new album to sell 750,000 in its debut frame. Then, a week ago, it was upgraded to 800,000. By mid-day Oct. 27, the album’s release day, its projection grew to over 900,000. Now, after its first day on sale, forecasters are confident 1989 will cross the magic, one-million sales threshold.

I have a friend who worked at the iHeart Radio Festival and he said Taylor Swift was the nicest and coolest person there (her trailer also smelled like weed), and she would regularly come out and talk to all the crew and didn’t take herself too seriously. Nicki Minaj on the other hand, was a raging cunt and screamed at literally everyone until she got told to shut the fuck up. Also, Iggy Azalea wanted to close the festival, but everybody agreed she sucked and only had one song, so Calvin Harris closed only because Prince didn’t get his contract back in time. Long story short, sometimes good things happen to good people. Say what you want about Taylor Swift’s music, but if she can sell a million albums and be self-aware enough to realize that other humans exist on Earth besides herself, then more power to her. I hope she sells 10 million. It’s always a good idea to give power to those who want it the least. Also, if she would wear shorter dresses and skirts that would really help me out.

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The Taylor Swift Wax Figure Isn’t Creepy At All

I thought about going to see Annabelle at some point, but now I guess I don’t have to, because Madame Tussauds just unveiled this new wax figure of Taylor Swift. It’s all dead eyes, high-waisted shorts, and extra money saved from not having to use any wax in the ass. Christ. I think if you say “Taylor Swift” five times in a mirror, this appears behind you holding a cat and a Target bag to ask directions to the nearest pumpkin patch. 

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