Nicki Minaj And Taylor Swift Talked On The Phone

Nicki Minaj, seen here being a “certain kind of artist”, performed on Good Morning America this morning where she let everybody know that she and Taylor Swift talked on the phone so Taylor could apologize more instead of texting like normal humans.

During a Friday appearance on Good Morning America, Minaj, who made headlines this week when she fumed over her Anaconda” video being passed over for a Video of the Year VMA nomination, said she and Swift, 25, aired their differences in a phone call after the “Bad Blood” singer’s Twitter mea culpa. “She was super, super sweet and she apologized,” Minaj, 32, confirmed. “She said, ‘Look, I didn’t understand the big picture of what you were saying, but now I get it.’ We’re all good.”

The call probably ended when Taylor asked Nicki to FaceTime so it could read her zodiac chart, but more importantly, Nicki Minaj performed this morning in see through pants so America could see her ass. Which is pretty much how this whole thing started.

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Pascal Craymer Is A Brand New Day

While I was editing these pictures of Pascal Craymer doing whatever it is she’s doing here, my correspondents in the field sent word that the dark cloud of faux feminism and slighted grinding asses has finally been lifted from our nation. In an emergency Twitter summit, Taylor Swift was the first to call for the laying down of arms. Although critics of this proposed truce say it’s a bad deal and Taylor said sorry just for show.

I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I’m sorry, Nicki.

Nicki Minaj, battle weary and tired of the bloodshed and her mentions, gracefully accepted her enemy’s unconditional surrender.

That means so much Taylor, thank you.  

I’ve always loved her. Everyone makes mistakes. She gained so much more respect from me. Let’s move on.

Although this is cause for celebration, it is also time for reflection. Reflection for those brave souls that we lost. Katy Perry, this war’s Pat Tillman, dove thumbs first into the fray with no regard for herself or punctuation, and was immediately KIA by friendly grammar fire. Then Nicki poured gas over the body and cleansed it in a ceremonial fire. In closing, let’s all heal as a nation. Get on board. Do your business around the country. Fly and enjoy America’s great destination spots. Get down to Disney World in Florida. Take your families and enjoy life, the way we want it to be enjoyed. And keep the events of 7/21 close in your mind. Stay vigilant. Because some dumb ass Twitter shit could pop off at any time. #neverforget

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Bless Ed Sheeran’s Heart

Hey, remember the other day when Nicki Minaj acted like she Sandra Bland because “Anaconda” didn’t get a Video Of The Year nomination at the MTV VMAs then Taylor Swift thought it was about her then got smacked down by think pieces who failed to mention that “Anaconda” sounded like a Fischer-Price My First Song? That was fun. Then, well, the whole Katy Perry response that read like she typed it with her feet. But have no fear, Ed Sheeran is here. A dude who would swim in nuclear waste if it he thought it would give him super powers to break out of the friend zone Taylor has him in so he could sniff her high-waisted floral panties. Instead of nuclear waste, he said some words to Australia’s The Daily Telegraph.

“I think everyone knows that Taylor has done nothing wrong in that situation. She didn’t nominate herself for the awards. It’s not her fault, she just made some good videos and people think they’re good. And I think the Minaj point is a bit redundant, her point is that you have to be skinny and white to get a video of the year nomination but Beyonce’s 7/11 is in there and that is celebrating the female figure in every form.”

Wait, did that sound like Ed shrugged and said, “well, they already have a black lady in there so I don’t see the problem”? It did, right? Ok, good. Because he tweeted Buzzfeed this whilst jerking it to “Bad Blood”.

“That’s taken out of context and not what I was saying was redundant at all. I was making a point about body image and not race, whilst sticking up for a mate, I definitely said it wrong though, apologies.

Taylor, look. Just let Ed lick it one time. That’s all the boy wants. Just let him taste it. You can still post on Tumblr and order custom stationary while he’s down there. Jump on Netflix. He’ll be done before you get to “Created by Dick Wolf”.

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Nicki Minaj And Taylor Swift Had Some Twitter Drama

The MTV VMA nominations were announced yesterday, and since the MTV VMAs are different than the BET Music Awards, Nicki Minaj was upset that “Anaconda” didn’t get nominated for Video Of The Year even though the song sounds like Minaj only had 30 minutes of studio time. She claimed The video “impacts culture” and that if she would have been a “different kind of artist” or chick with a “very slim body” the video would have been nominated. At that point, Taylor Swift‘s Google alerts went off, and since she’s a passive aggressive feminist who collects BFFs like bobby pins (not black bobby pins), she replied and immediately threw the male artists under the bus and asked Nicki to stop “pitting women against” each other even though the Top 40 #1 single right now is a song where Taylor Swift uses her standard noble victim act against Katy Perry. Then Nicki Minaj was all like, “huh? understand what I’m trying to say, white girl who doesn’t understand that the way white women feel about men, black women feel the same about white women.” Then Taylor, missing the point, told Nicki to come on stage with her if she wins, because that’s Taylor’s thing now. Anyway, you can read the whole shit here. Or you can realize this post is about Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj having an argument on Twitter and move on with your life.

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Ruby Rose Wants To Bang Taylor Swift

Ruby Rose, Orange Is The Black star and person who made every woman on my Facebook feed question their sexuality, isn’t an ass man. I hope they scissor somewhere that rains a lot because if they try to do it California the whole state is gonna look like an exploded meth lab and you’ll only be able to identify people who still have their Starbucks’ cups fused to their hands.

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Well, This Is Unfortunate

Taylor Swift is on her 1989 World Tour right now, and as you can see at the SSE Hydro in Glasgow last night, she forget her ass in customs. Like, it’s gone. There’s literally nothing. Sometimes I forget that her legs are attached to what in theory can be called her ass. All her boyfriends probably leave because they get shrapnel when trying to hit from behind.

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Apple Is Under Investigation Because Of Taylor Swift

Yesterday, Apple caved like Nikki Haley under public opinion when Taylor Swift called them out for not paying artists during the free trial of Apple Music.  Why? Because Apple is under investigation for conspiring with Taylor Swift to make other people leave Spotify. 

Apple’s streaming service costs $9.99 a month, which is the same price as Spotify’s. However, Spotify also offers freemium services that are typically free trials supported by advertising revenues. Spotify and many other companies that use the freemium business model hope users will eventually pay for subscriptions that include the same services with bonus perks (ad-free music, listening offline) after their trial has expired. Investigators want to know whether Apple is pressuring or conspiring with other music labels to withdraw their artists from platforms utilizing freemium services.  Wildly famous and successful pop singer Taylor Swift pulled her music from Spotify last fall before releasing her record-hitting album “1989,” which sold a million copies within its first week. She has since joined Apple’s music services after protesting against Spotify last year for giving away artists’ music for free.

So basically, Apple told Taylor Swift to leave Spotify and they’d pay her, then they announced she wouldn’t get paid for the first three months. Then Taylor Swift said nah dog, remember our deal? Don’t make me snitch. Then Apple said lol we was just playin chill. Then Taylor Swift said ok then went to crotchet or make a handmade candle or something like that.

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Taylor Swift Kicked Apple In The Dick

Apple, who made $182B last year, thought it would a good idea to not pay artists during the free three month trial period for their new music streaming service, Apple Music. Unfortunately, musicians aren’t Chinese children who you don’t have to pay to make iPhones, so the biggest musical artist in the world right now took issue with that. That artist being Taylor Swift, who didn’t have stationary and a quill nearby, so she wrote a really long open letter to Apple and posted it on the most Taylor Swift place imaginable: Tumblr  (read it here). And before Lena Dunham had a chance to print the post off and take it to Michael’s, Apple’s senior vice president of Internet Software and Services, Eddy Cue (nice pun on the last name), tweeted “#AppleMusic will pay artist for streaming, even during customer’s free trial period“. In repsonse, Katy Perry is also considering writing a letter on MySpace to Napster.

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Taylor Swift And Selena Gomez Went On A Date

In a shocking turn of events, Taylor Swift has a boyfriend and Selena Gomez does not, so Taylor Swift took Selena Gomez to the only place that would help: a restaurant. Selena is walking like twenty feet ahead, because I assume this place has free chips and salsa and/or breadsticks.

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