Sup, Taylor Swift

 

Sometimes Taylor Swift looks hot, sometimes she doesn’t. This is a time she does. Because any chick looks fantastic in all black. Not sure where Taylor got the inspiration for this, but her cats emailed me and said she’s been watching Grease a lot, so maybe that’s it. I don’t want to speculate. Cats are known liars.

 

 

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It Has Begun
It Has Begun

 

Taylor Swift got a new cat yesterday. Her name is Olivia Benson and this is Swift's second cat. Her other cat, Meredith, has her own Twitter account. And Taylor Swift writes it like she's Meredith. Can somebody give Taylor Swift an orgasm please? Or let her maybe just look at it? This is getting pretty weird..

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Justin Bieber Hit That, Selena Gomez No Like. Also Hates Taylor Swift
Justin Bieber Hit That, Selena Gomez No Like. Also Hates Taylor Swift

 

Last time the maid checked on Selena Gomez, she unfollowed everybody on Instagram then started posting weird selfie videos. Most sites believed she was headed for some kind of meltdown, but as it turns out, its just your basic chick drama.

It looks like we may have found the reason for Selena Gomez, 21, recently unfollowing Kylie and Kendall Jenner on Instagram! Word is that Selena is suspicious of something having gone on between her on-again (and now possibly off-again) boyfriend Justin Bieber, 20, according to a report from The Sun. Read on for all the details! “Selena is convinced something has gone on between Justin and Kylie,” The Sun‘s source claims. “At Coachella, [Justin and Selena] looked to be back on track. Selena was hanging out with Kylie too and they were behaving like best friends.” It’s true — they were even sharing clothes! “Then [Selena] heard stuff about Justin and Kylie and felt totally betrayed. She went berserk and called it all off again,” their source added. “Selena is in a really bad place at the moment — she’s on the edge and now overcome with jealousy. She really needs to wash her hands of Justin for good.”

If you're gonna bang a Jenner, why hit up Kylie when Kendall was like three feet away? Bieber should have stayed in school. He also seems like the kind of douche who would bang his girlfriend's best friend, so yeah, no surprise. Moving on.

Taylor has reached out to Selena a couple of times, but Selena isn’t ready to be friends with her again. When Taylor heard she was going through a tough time, and stopped following all her friends on Instagram, she called her and emailed her, but Selena is not in the mood,” an insider tells HollywoodLife.com EXCLUSIVELY. Taylor let Selena know exactly how she felt about her getting back together with Justin, but that hasn’t stopped her from trying to be a friend. “She feels like Taylor is going to say ‘told you so.’ But Taylor is truly concerned. There’s not much more she can do. It’s a two way street and Selena needs to make an effort too,” the source explains.

Can't really believe Selena isn't taking Taylor's calls, because if there's one person you should take relationship advice from, it's Taylor Swift. She practices on her cats.

 

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This Is Taylor Swift In A Bikini
This Is Taylor Swift In A Bikini

 

Taylor Swift posted this pic on Instagram yesterday, and as much as I'm a fan of her legs, I'm not really a big fan of seeing every vertebra of her spine. I want to have sex with you, I'm not a first year med student. I have a t-shirt you can wear if reverse cowgirl is your thing.

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Taylor Swift Is Very Specific

Taylor Swift's love life should really be a reality show, because I'd watch the hell out of that shit. Also, I'd like to see her legs in HD more. Anyway, she's apparently not looking to date anymore until she finds a guy that meets her new list of requirements. Wanna know what they are? Sure you do. What else do you have going on in your life? I mean, you're reading this site for chrissakes.

“She’s all about finding a new boyfriend but she doesn’t want just any guy, she wants the perfect guy. She’s made a really detailed list of what she wants and it’s so intense, there aren’t many guys out there that can live up to it,” the source reveals. “She wants someone on her level when it comes to their career, plus, they have to be hot — like leading man hot. And she would love a guy that can speak at least two languages,” the source adds. We applaud Taylor for knowing what she wants but we’re not so sure it’s a great idea to rule a guy out just because he lacks a second language. So cute! Our source reveals that Taylor has even thought about what she wants her guy’s family to be like. “There are simple things on the list too,” the source says. “She wants a guy that has at least one sister because she thinks it will make him a better boyfriend. He has to have a good relationship with his parents, especially his mom, but he can’t be a mama’s boy. Like I said, it is very detailed and it goes on and on. Her friends think she needs to chill. They think being so picky is just going to keep her single.”

Say what you want about Taylor Swift, but there's something to be said for knowing what you want and not settling until you get it. More people should do the same. If that means she has to go through a bunch of dicks to find the one that fits the best, the more power to her. I used to date a half-Chinese chick and I always felt like I had to get my penis surgically removed. Not the best of fits. Not that I have anything against Chinese people. I really like their food and movies. Look, I'm not racist, okay? I have a Chinese friend. He fixed my laptop once.

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Um, Hey There, Taylor Swift

She's pretty annoying and her vagina is a cold, desolate wastleland of feelings, but Taylor Swift looked hot last night at the Academy of Country Music Awards. I mean, look at her damn legs. I'd like to use them like elliptical handles but in a more romantic way. Or not in a romantic way. May just depend on my mood at the time.

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Taylor Swift Cut Off Selena Gomez Because Of Biebs
Taylor Swift Cut Off Selena Gomez Because Of Biebs

 

Side eye game too strong

 

I guess it's hard to leave a dude who pisses in mop buckets and got you pregnant then forced you to have an abortion, because Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are now apparently back together. And Taylor Swift no like. She no like at all (see pic above).

If Justin Bieber is your boyfriend, Taylor Swift would let you go! The "Red" singer, 24, has distanced herself from former best friend Selena Gomez after the Disney star reconnected with her infamous ex-boyfriend, 20, sources confirm to Us Weekly. Swift is disgusted that the pair are back together, cutting off her bestie after tweeting just last July that Gomez was "the closest thing I've ever had to a sister." 

If Selena Gomez is the closest thing she's ever had to a sister, then I don't think she knows what sister means. I could see if "Justin Bieber" was street slang for heroin or Selena tried to get Taylor to sell Amway, but she's just dating a douche. Not need to be a bitch about it, just give it time and let is pass because it eventually will. Or maybe Taylor is mad that her friend has a boyfriend. Chicks are like that. Seriously. Some guys were talking about it my Magic: The Gathering party last night. I made some lemon cookies everyone seemed to enjoy. Pretty wild night.

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Taylor Swift Chopped Her Hair Off

 

I guess her next album will be called "I Bought Sweaters For My Cats", because Taylor Swift looks like his now. All she needs now is to inherit an oil company and have her boyfriend be shot by her Colombian lover then have him come back to life because she's obviously starring in a 1980s soap opera.

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Taylor Swift Thought She Won, Didn’t, Nervously Clapped

 

Taylor Swift is used to winning every award she's nominated for, because we're all still paying for what Kanye did, but she lost Album of the Year last night, and was almost ready to give us her usual "OMG I TOTALLY CAN'T BELIEVE I WON U GUYS" face then she realized they said "Random Access Memories" instead o "Red". So the album about how she's not gonna bang some dude ever again, the album with the song about staying up way too damn late to get laid won. Pharrell. Bro. I you gotta stay up that late, it's just not worth it. I'm usually in bed by 3 and asleep by 5:30. Heyoo!

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Here’s All The Chicks You Want To See From The Golden Globes. Trust Me

My apologies for giving you Lena Dunham and Jacqueline Bisset first thing this morning, so to make up for the that, here's all the chicks that don't look like something you'd stab then run away screaming if you saw them on the street. Also, the keyword for this post is "boobs". Everyone likes boobs!

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