I’ve never been to the Troubadour club in West Hollywood, but apparently too many people like it, because Kristen Stewart looked embarrassed when she left. And Taylor Lautner looked drunk and/or high. Robert Pattinson wasn’t there because he was at home catching up on all the things he recorded on Bravo.
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Last night, a fake People magazine cover went viral, proclaiming Taylor Lautner to be “out and proud.” E! Online reports:
An obviously faked People magazine cover on which Taylor Lautner supposedly announced that he’s “out and proud” ricocheted across the internet Monday, tricking fans and even celebs like Russell Simmons. The Photoshopped image of the purported January 7, 2012 People issue shows the Twilight star announcing he’s gay and “tired of the rumors.” The fake cover goes on to fake quote Lautner as saying his decision to come out has left him feeling, “more liberated, and happier than I’ve ever been.” While the internet was abuzz, celebs like Def Jam’s Simmons even fell prey to the hoax, tweeting Taylor a congratulatory tweet: “proud of Taylor Lautner for his bravery and his courage.” Once realizing the mistake, Simmons tweeted: “disappointed that people would joke about someone coming out about their sexuality. Let Taylor Lautner be whoever he wants to be…”
I admire how supportive Russell Simmons was. It’s probably easy for him to relate considering he was married to someone for eight years who was probably born with an Adam’s apple. In any case, a magazine cover isn’t even necessary at this point. Taylor Lautner is as straight as a spiral staircase, but no one will ever come out and say it because he wants to be the next Tom Cruise. He’s doing a decent job so far. Now all he needs is acting ability, submission to a cult, and an R. Kelly soundtrack.
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Together for only three months, Taylor Swift and Bella’s bestiality fetish, Taylor Lautner, have broken up. US reports:
“It wasn’t really developing into anything, and wasn’t going to, so they decided they were better as friends,” a source close to Swift, 20, tells Us. “There was no chemistry.” The pair — who met on the set of the romantic comedy Valentine’s Day — first sparked rumors of a romance when she hugged him at her October 9 concert in Rosemont, Illinois. They have since been spotted on several wholesome dates — like their frozen yogurt date at Menchie’s alongside Swift’s mom earlier this month — and have each coyly alluded to their relationship on separate Saturday Night Live hosting gigs. However, the relationship officially fizzled when Lautner, 17, flew to Nashville for Swift’s birthday party on Dec. 13, a friend of the singer reveals. “He liked her more than she liked him,” the source tells Us. “He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn’t travel much to see him.”
I don’t want to tell Taylor Lautner how to keep a girlfriend, but here’s a hint: ether helps.
This is gonna sound way gayer than it should, but why in the hell are Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson the break out stars of Twilight and New Moon when Taylor Lautner and Ashley Greene are walking around? Taylor Lautner is prettier than some of the chicks I’ve dated and Ashley Greene causes erections that could even make a Catholic priest consult his doctor. Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart looks like she should be doing a price check at Target and Robert Pattinson is probably calling a pet store and asking about their gerbil return policy. Anyway, here’s Taylor Lautner in Rolling Stone. In related news, be sure to check me out on the cover of next month’s “Model Airplane Weekly”. Shit’s gonna be hot.
It’s hard to imagine that a movie about a emo vampire and a werewolf fighting over the heart of some ugly chick wouldn’t be hailed and praised as one of the greatest movies of all time, so it’s no surprise that critics are singular in their praise of New Moon.
Chicago Sun-Times‘ Roger Ebert says “the characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start. Granted some of them are more than 100 years old, but still: their charisma is by Madame Tussaud.”
Ty Burr of The Boston Globe remarks: “Sorry, girls: The thrill is gone.” He says that “where the first film’s director, Catherine Hardwicke, plugged into [author Stephenie] Meyer’s vision of supernatural teenage lust with abandon, Chris Weitz is stuck with a sequel that’s a morning-after mope-fest. “When he’s onscreen, Pattinson’s Edward is all emo posturing under a trembling bouffant – the actor suddenly seems to be embarrassed to be here,” says Burr. “Lautner’s performance, by contrast, has the warmth of an actual human.”
But Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times says Lautner and Kristen Stewart (who plays Bella) have no heat: “The connection between these two is so self-evidently non-romantic that it turns out not to be much of a diversion.”
USA Today‘s Claudia Puig agrees, saying the the Bella-Edward romance is a bore and that “the pace picks up” once Jacob and his pals turn into werewolves. She gave the film 2.5 out of 4 stars.
Variety writes that ladies hoping to gaze at Pattinson the big screen ” may be disappointed by Pattinson’s reduced presence” in the sequel, “as his Edward appears predominantly in mumbling visions until a cliffhanger that brazenly sets up the next episode.”
Whatever. This movie will make more than Noriega because of tween cutters and 30-year old chicks with undead fetishes, so no amount to critical backlash will stop that. This movie could be called Madea Goes To Registered Sex Offender Class and as long as Robert Pattinson has a scene where he pouts and cries, the producers will need dragons and Hannibal’s elephants to carry all the money this crap is gonna make.
Apparently a quarter ounce and a smoker’s cough are good accessories, because Kristen Stewart showed up at the New Moon premiere last night looking completely average and ordinary. Notice I didn’t say “normal” because normal means “fat” now”, but would it kill her to look like a girl every now and then? Christ, Taylor Lautner is prettier than this chick. Instead of having the lead role in a tale of danger, lust, and adventure, she should be writing on an overhead projector telling 3rd graders about the Dewey Decimal system and the Judy Blume books at the book fair.