Tom Cruise Admits Katie Holmes Divorced Him To Get Suri Out Of Scientology
Tom Cruise Admits Katie Holmes Divorced Him To Get Suri Out Of Scientology


Hey, remember when Scientology auditioned wives for Tom Cruise then they settled on Katie Holmes then she agreed and signed a contract then they sucked every last bit of hot out of her? Then remember when they she filed for divorce and Scientologist had her followed and tracked her every move? Man, I wonder why she left.

When lawyers first asked Cruise about claims that Holmes divorced him “in part to protect Suri from Scientology,” he lashed back. “Listen, I find that question offensive,” he exploded, according to a 36-page deposition transcript obtained by “I find it, those statements offensive. Like with any relationship, there are many different levels to it. You know, I, I find it very offensive. There is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.” They pushed further, asking, “And Ms. Holmes has never indicated in any way that was one of the reasons she left you? …To protect Suri from Scientology?” Finally, Cruise admitted, “Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes.” “Is Suri currently practicing Scientology?” they asked. Cruise answered, “No.”

Boy, religion is great, isn't it? I know, I know, Scientology is totally different from Christianity. In Scientology, an evil galactic warlord stacked people around a volcano and killed them with hydrogen bombs shot out of his 747 causing their ghosts to inhabit you and make you sad. In Christianity, god date raped a married chick so she could have a baby that god could force to suffer a miserable death then come back as a zombie because he screwed up the first time with Adam. You're right. One sounds crazy and one doesn't.

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Suri Was A Pawn

Last week, Katie Holmes was alone in her four-corned room staring at candles because Scientology had dispatch spies to follow her every move as she attempted to escape the clutches of a religion that was founded by a sci-fi writer in an ascot, then suddenly, she and Tom Cruise release a joint statement pretending to be friends and that their split was amicable. Why? Oh, no reason. They apparently realized they had a fucking kid. TMZ reports:

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise went from zero to nuclear war in an instant when she filed divorce papers, but it was little Suri who became the peacemaker … sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ. Our sources say … a week ago Thursday, after Katie filed, the hostility between the two was palpable and Suri became a weapon. Katie wanted to strip Tom of all decision-making power in Suri’s life, and Tom responded by unleashing the biggest legal guns around to fight her. We’re told what turned everything around was a series of conversations that Suri would be irreparably damaged by parental warfare. It registered big time with both Tom and Katie, and it allowed their lawyers to strike a deal in what could be record time for this type of divorce.

This story gets even better when you realize that Katie Holmes is just Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby, and Suri Cruise was born because Scientology inseminated Holmes’ with L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm. Yes, that’s true. What? You say somehting, Scientology?! COME AT ME, BRO!

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Katie Holmes Is Escaping The Clutches Of Xenu

Katie Holmes might not be the deluded, star-struck robot that we all thought she was, because yesterday she filed for divorce from Tom Cruise, her crazy, possibly closeted husband of five years. Considering he’s been saying to every journalist who will listen over the past month how “amazing” his wife is, people are speculating that she sprung this on him out of the blue. When they got married it was reported that they had an iron clad prenump that was very fair to Katie (her dad is a divorce lawyer and was reportedly involved in the negotiations so you know she is gonna get bank) but this is going to get really ugly when it comes to custody.

Various outlets are reporting that Katie filed in New York and not California because New York (more…)

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The Cruises Go To Disneyworld

There’s something creepy about Tom Cruise taking an upskirt shot of his robot daughter at Disneyworld while onlookers, both real and fictional, watch.

Disneyworld Exec: Of course, Mr. Cruise, we can accommodate you.

Tom: Excellent. I want all the characters on a lawn so I can take some pictures, and I want to skip the line for every ride.

Disneyworld Exec: Of course.

Tom: And I want you to pull all the Pinocchio characters. The last thing I need is Suri wanting to be a real boy.

Disneyworld Exec:
Disney has a very strong policy against sexual confusion in youth.

Tom: I was more worried about the “real” part. I have to go power up Katie.

(Tom Cruise teleports)

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[SinglePic not found]

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Suri Cruise is Too Old

Katie Holmes might have been drugged and inseminated with L. Ron Hubbard’s sperm in an underground volcano lair, but oddly, people think Katie Holmes might not be the best mother. Apparently Suri Cruise is two and still drinks out of a bottle. Apparently that’s bad. The Daily Mail reports:

Parenting experts and paediatricians recommend parents start to wean their child off the bottle at the age of one. The cute toddler is frequently photographed drinking from a bottle – despite turning two last month. Dr Charlotte Cowan, author of the Dr Hippo parenting books, told Us Weekly magazine: “Most paediatricians recommend a bottle should be given up by age one – almost certainly by 18 months.”

In a survey of several prominent doctors, the vast majority awww look at those pictures. I don’t think it’s possible for them to get any cuter. Maybe if a baby bear cub riding a tricycle with a baby bunny in the basket came up and gave Suri a flower. Then Suri would pet the little bunny and then they’d all go to the park and get on a seesaw. Other than that, I think we’re pretty much tapped out here.

Mommy and… daddy?:

Photos: Splash

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