The Steve Jobs biopic, jOBS, will premiere at the Sundance Film Festival this year, and here is the first release image of Ashton Kutcher as the co-founder, chairman, and CEO of Apple Inc and hipster demagogue, Steve Jobs. So, here’s two pictures. One is of an actor who played a retard in a television show once and is currently banging his co-star from that show, and the other is a egomaniacal asshole who made billions making easily breakable phones in China before dying of cancer. Leave your best guess in the comments!
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Hipsters the world over are ripping their flannel H&M in the streets right now because co-founder, chairman, and former CEO of Apple Inc., Steve Jobs, died yesterday at the age of 56 after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. What’s the big deal? Can’t we just restore him from a backup? In a statement announcing Jobs’ death, Apple’s Board of Directors wrote:
We are deeply saddened to announce that Steve Jobs passed away today. Steve’s brilliance, passion, and energy were the source of countless innovations that enrich and improve all of our lives. The world is immeasurably better because of Steve. His greatest love was for his wife, Laurene, and his family. Our hearts go out to them and to all who were touched by his extraordinary gifts.
Bill Gates was unable to comment as he was in the morgue trying to steal the code for cancer. He promises that it will be able to use Adobe Flash.
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Proving once again that pancreatic cancer just doesn’t give a fuck (Bill Hicks, Joan Crawford, Luciano Pavarotti, Michael Landon, etc), co-founder and CEO of Apple, Steve Jobs, reportedly might be dead by summer. National Enquirer reports:
Shocking photos obtained exclusively by The ENQUIRER show the 56-year-old cancer-stricken computer genius has become rail-thin and heartbreakingly weak in recent days despite putting up a tremendously courageous battle. Since the print edition of the new issue of The ENQUIRER containing this blockbuster story began hitting newsstands on Wednesday in New York, media outlets worldwide have reported our story – and some websites have even attempted to rip off our exclusive photos! For nearly seven years, the Apple co-founder has battled a rare form of pancreatic cancer – called a neuroendocrine tumor. It is a slower moving cancer than the type that killed actor Patrick Swayze in 2009 and actor Michael Landon in 1991. Only about 4 percent of patients with any form of pancreatic cancer can live longer than five years. Jobs has taken three medical leaves of absence from Apple and had a 2009 liver transplant after the cancer spread. But after studying the new photos of the world-renowned entrepreneur – taken on February 8th in California – medical experts consulted by The ENQUIRER say it appears he’s losing his battle. Jobs was photographed outside the Stanford Cancer Center – the same place where Swayze was treated during his final days. The heartrending photos show the terrible damage cancer has done to Jobs’ 6-foot-2 frame – dropping his weight from a precancer 175 pounds to about 130 now.
In March 2008, the Enquirer reported that Patrick Swayze had five weeks to live. He died on September 14, 2009. So based on that, this is pretty good news for Steve Jobs. Hopefully he’ll use all this extra time to figure out why I need a USB nuclear reactor to keep my iPhone charged for longer than five minutes. That would really help me out.