Spider-Man Is Contractually Obligated To Be White And Straight

The leaked licensing agreement between Sony Pictures and Marvel lists a bunch of “mandatory” traits for Peter Parker and his alter ego, Spider-Man. Among those, Peter Parker must be white and not like catching dicks. I mean, obviously. The last thing we need is a sassy dude in a full body leotard who flicks his wrists a lot to turn our kids gay. Also, Captain America’s suit has a Puerto Rican flag on it. Might want to check into that.

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The Sony Hacker Was Probably A Chick Employee Who Got Laid Off In May
The Sony Hacker Was Probably A Chick Employee Who Got Laid Off In May

 

By now, it should be pretty clear to everyone that North Korea wasn’t responsible for hacking Sony, so that $5.99 you spent to ensure America’s freedom by buying The Interview, was because a chick who got laid off in May was still pissed at Sony.

Security firm Norse claims it has evidence that shows the Sony hack was perpetrated by six individuals, including two based in the U.S., one in Canada, one in Singapore and one in Thailand. Norse senior vp Kurt Stammberger told the Ledger, a security industry news websitethat among the six was one former Sony Pictures employee, a ten-year veteran of the company with a very technical background who was laid off in May following restructuring. Norse used human resources documents that were leaked as part of the hack to first identify and then track the former Sony employee’s online activity at least since May, when the person left the company The Ledger writes: “Researchers from the company followed that individual online, noting angry posts she made on social media about the layoffs and Sony. Through access to IRC (Internet Relay Chat) forums and other sites, they were also able to capture communications with other individuals affiliated with underground hacking and hacktivist groups in Europe and Asia.”

Sorry. I know you tried to do your part to keep America safe between opening presents and taking shots. Like most Americans, your not-quite sacrifice and blind patriotism was highly lauded with Facebook likes. Rest easy know that you did your job to fight an unseen enemy and make Sony richer. Go forward with this knowledge and have a blessed day.

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