Beyonce, Jay Z, And Solange Released A Joint Statement
Beyonce, Jay Z, And Solange Released A Joint Statement

 

"Bae, the stairs are over there. We can take those."

 

Beyonce has an almost psychotic obsession with who gets to capture her image (she bans photographers from her shows and emails popular photo agencies to remove unflatettering photos), but as it turns out, she should have been emailing Solange's psychiatrist, because the Berlin Wall that seperated Beyonce from reality got blown the fuck up after an employee at The Standard leaked the now infamous Mortal Combat: Sistah Gurl footage of Solange kicking the hell out of Jay Z because of Rihanna. Shit has gotten progressively weirder since the 100th problem, but I guess it's all over now because they all just released a joint statement. "Joint". Yeah, okay.

"As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it…Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family. The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false. At the end of the day families have problems and we're no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We've put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same."

Translation: "Bruh, can you help me out and stop talking about this? Like, for real. Solange has already chewed through the bars on the windows, and bullets don't seem to have any effect. Can ya'll just chill? She pulled the harpoon out of her chest and she doesn't attack the same spot on the electric fence twice. We put some of Blue Ivy's blood on a neckbone and that seems to work for a few hours, but we don't know how much longer that's gonna work. Jay mentioned a live goat, but I don't know where to get a live goat. Oprah said she would help, but Solange bit her hand and now Oprah has to get her arm amputated before the infection spreads. Solange has started to grow talons and we're pretty scared. So if you could stop…what was that? You hear that? AAAAAAHHHHHHH"

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Beyonce Is Uploading Pics Of Rihanna Now
Beyonce Is Uploading Pics Of Rihanna Now

 

After uploading happy pics with her and Solange this morning, Beyonce just posted a pic of her and Rihanna at the MET Ball. Annndddd Solange just deleted her most recent pic with Beyonce. Sorry, guys. I haven't had enough coffee to wade through all this subtext. But when CNN has breaking news today about an active shooter, just go ahead and assume it's Solange.

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Beyonce Is Treading Lightly
Beyonce Is Treading Lightly

 

Beyonce went on Instagram this morning and threw up a bunch of pictures of her and Solange when Solange was on her proper dosage and taking her medications as prescribed. Why? Oh, no reason.

 

 

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Solange Attacked Jay Z Because Jay Z Wanted To Go To Rihanna’s After Party Without Beyonce
Solange Attacked Jay Z Because Jay Z Wanted To Go To Rihanna’s After Party Without Beyonce

 

Society collectively went apeshit on Monday as security footage of Solange Knowles Chris Browning Jay Z in an elevator hit on TMZ. Since then, we've all been trying to figure out what the hell actually happened, but we all failed to realize that Jay Z is a rapper and that all rapper drama only has once source: Rihanna. It also didn't help that Solange was reportedly drunk off her ass and has really dumb friends.

“Two of her friends, who were not dressed for the Met Ball, showed up at The Standard and caused a scene downstairs,” the source said. "They wouldn't leave and kept name dropping Jay Z. They were pretending they were guests of his and not hers. Management went to Julius (Beyonce's bodyguard) and said there's a problem." Our source said Jay Z soon got wind of it and snapped at Solange, saying “don't use my name.” The 27-year-old singer turned sullen and said she wanted to leave the party.

THEN KEEPIN IT REAL WENT WRONG

On the way out, Jay Z said he'd be heading to Up & Down on W. 14th Street, where Rihanna was holding her own post-Met Ball bash, a second source said. Jay's camp had called ahead of time to say he would be coming alone and "didn't need extra security" because Beyonce wouldn't be attending, the source said. Apparently, that didn't sit well with Solange. "She seemed drunk and irritated," said a second source. "She said, ‘Why can't you go home?' and to Beyonce 'Why does your husband need to go to the club right now?'" An incensed Jay Z didn’t back down. “You're one to talk," he replied, the source said. Jay’s response set Solange into a rage. Once inside the elevator, she started punching and kicking her brother-in-law — an attack that was caught on surveillance video and leaked to TMZ.com on Monday.

We read "post-MET Ball bash" and "W. 14th Street" and forget that Solange's DNA sequence reads "hoodrat from Houston". That doesn't really change when you put on a fancy dress. Ever heard Beyonce in an interview? Even Randy Moss thinks she's a hick. I can see why Solange would want to stick up for her sister, but there's a time and a place for that kinda shit, and Beyonce is a grown woman. If she had an issue with it, she would have said something. And in Jay Z's defense, I'd probably want to go to Rihanna's afterparty by myself too, because well. This story has a happy ending I guess, as Jay Z and Solange were seen jewelry shopping yesterday, because that's how you calm a lunatic with a vagina. Shiny things. And if he bought her a diamond tennis bracelet that produces its own wine, well, Solange would text Nas and say she can't hang out anymore.

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