At Least Brittany Murphy’s Bed Didn’t Get Cold

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Be warned: this is the creepiest thing you will read all day. TMZ reports:

Brittany Murphy’s mother told investigators that she shared a bed with her daughter’s husband Simon Monjack after Brittany passed away … this according to sources close to the investigation. The L.A. Coroner’s Office just released their report on Simon Monjack’s death. In the report, the investigator documents an exchange with a person whose name has been withheld — but whom law enforcement sources have identified as Brittany’s mother, Sharon Murphy. According to the report, the investigator and the unnamed person (Sharon) were going through the master bedroom in the Hollywood Hills home that Simon shared with Brittany … when (Sharon) pointed to one side of Simon’s bed and identified it as “her side of the bed.”

I have no idea how he did this, but Simon Monjack took one of the most bubbly and cutest actresses in Hollywood and sucked every piece of hotness and money out of her. He then fucked her mom on her bed. Either he’s a psychic hypnotist with uncanny abilities over the human mind or his penis was cut off in a car accident and replaced with a donkey’s.

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Brittany Murphy Is Still Dead

The biggest mystery of our generation is solved. TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ the issue of mold in the house came up early during the investigation into Brittany’s death — but it was deemed “not to be a contributing factor.” Then when Simon passed away a few months later, we’re told the issue came up again — but Brittany’s mom, Sharon, wouldn’t let the L.A. County Coroner’s Office in to investigate the mold. Now, we’re told, Sharon has agreed to let Public Health investigators into the home. Mold could be relevant to Simon and Brittany’s respiratory health. Pneumonia was a cause of death for both of them.

Yeahhh, I’m gonna go ahead and call bullshit. Brittany Murphy and her chubby hubby were both found with enough (more…)

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Simon Mojack Is Dead

UPDATE: OMG, you’re not gonna believe this! It was drugs!

Five months after his 32-year old wife, actress Brittany Murphy, died of community acquired pneumonia,” iron deficiency anemia, and multiple drug intoxication, Simon Monjack was found dead last night in the same house.
New York Daily News reports:

The Los Angeles County coroner’s office confirmed early Monday morning that the 39-year-old screenwriter died shortly after emergency services received a 911 call at 9:24 p.m. PT Sunday night. “We have detectives at scene,” Sgt. Louie Lozano told the Los Angeles Times. “They are conducting their investigation. Once we have further information, we will provide it.”Monjack was pronounced dead by emergency personnel. Although the exact cause of death is still unknown, police said it appears to be natural causes. Back in December, Monjack’s wife died of pneumonia complicated by an iron deficiency, anemia and multiple drug intoxication. The two had been married since 2007.

It would be romantic to say he died of a broken heart, but since a broken heart doesn’t come in prescription form, I’m gonna say drugs. Lots of drugs. In related news, if you’re in the market for a new house, I’d probably skip over this one on the tour. Apparently it makes people in their 30’s ghosts. You’d have a better time living in a house that was built on top of an Indian burial ground.

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Simon Monjack Is A Master Criminal

Nearly a month after Brittany Murphy’s untimely death, her husband, Simon Monjack, attempted to file a wrongful death suit against Warner Bros. (which he turned into an opportunity to plug his photography website) and set up a non-profit charitable foundation where fans could “donate” money. Except Monjack was trying to make a profit. Oh, that Simon! He’s such a trickster! TMZ reports:

TMZ broke the story that the foundation — run by Brittany Murphy’s husband, Simon Monjack and mother, Sharon Murphy — hadn’t filed the necessary documents to qualify as a charity or nonprofit group. As soon as we called the foundation for comment, the website immediately shut down. But late Sunday the website resurfaced with a message: It would return all the donations “until we have our non-profit status approved before proceeding to insure that we can truly honor Brittany’s charitable desires.” The website is no longer taking donations and now holds itself out as a private foundation which awaits 501(c)3 non-profit status.

Simon Monjack has a British accent anyway, so he already sounds like he’s a crew member on the Death Star or trying to kill Harry Potter, so of course he’s evil. I’m not sure what the punishment is for trying to set up a fake money grab when your dead wife isn’t even cold yet is, but if it involves flaming arrows in his balls, I’d be pretty okay with that.

Banner pic credit: TMZ

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Simon Monjack Was Serious, Still Really High

During an interview on The Today Show, Brittany Murphy’s husband, Simon Monjack, says Hollywood killed the 32-year old actress because they didn’t offer her a part in the sequel to Happy Feet. Apparently Warner Bros. hires ninja assassins and sentient cyborgs who have the power to send 100-pound white chicks into cardiac arrest, because in an interview with the The Daily Beast, Monjack says he is filing a wrongful death suit.

The Daily Beast has learned that Simon Monjack, the much-maligned husband of Brittany Murphy, is only days away from filing a wrongful-death action against Warner Brothers, claiming that the studio is responsible for the unexpected death of the 32-year-old actress last December. “They killed her,” he told me. Although the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office hasn’t released a final cause of death, Monjack and Brittany’s mother, Sharon, who also spoke to me, are convinced that the once-promising star died of a heart attack from the stress caused by Warner Brother’s canceling of a contract just two weeks before she died. Murphy was excited to have begun production on the sequel to the animated hit Happy Feet, but when she was fired by Warner Brothers, Monjack says, “She was devastated.”…Monjack believes that Murphy’s career was stopped cold by the failure of 2004’s Little Black Book. Chicago Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper had a typically negative reaction when he said, “One of the worst romantic comedies of this or probably any other year.” The following year, Murphy, who had lost 20 pounds, was dogged by anorexia and drug rumors. Ted Casablanca, nee Bruce Bibby, E! Online’s entertainment journalist, ran a blind item in 2005 that said a “Jordache Junky” had had sex with a waiter in a back stairwell at a Hollywood bar mitzvah. Almost everyone pegged Brittany, then a Jordache model, as the girl. “In all the time I’ve known her, she has never, and I repeat NEVER, done drugs,” Monjack told me. “Not a line of cocaine, not a hit from a joint, nothing. She was anti-drugs. There are no drugs involved. If any were, I would not be on the phone with you.”…“The drug rumors made her lose roles, I’m sure,” says Monjack. And they took a toll on her, he says, depressing her and making her fret that she might not find a comeback vehicle. “All she wanted to do was to make movies. She was waiting for the role that would revive her career, waiting for the call from Penny Marshall or Gary Fleder, people she had worked with before, that they might remember how talented an actress she was and call with a new magical role.”

I’m sure the interviewer wanted to hear more of this story, but I assume Monjack talked into a banana then said he had to go because his dragon was in a tow-away zone and he had to get back to Pandora to fax some very important papers to Care-A-Lot or whatever it is you say when you are skii’d out of your goddamn mind.

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Brittany Murphy is a Great Girlfriend

Brittany Murphy married some random dude named Simon Monjack earlier this month, and reports are now saying that the rushed nuptials were an effort to keep Monjack, an illegal, in the country. Page Six reports:

The National Enquirer reports Monjack was arrested on expired visa charges in the middle of the night on March 27 – just over a month before the couple’s rushed marriage. The tabloid also hits the actress’ tubby hubby with allegations of bad debts and sleazy business schemes, which sources told Page Six the “Clueless” cutie knew nothing about. Monjack’s lawyer told us the charges are being made by “disgruntled ex-girlfriends” and that immigration lawyers concluded the marriage had no bearing on his visa status.”

Brittany Murphy is crazy and gets engaged like once a month, so if I was an illegal, I’d feel pretty good about my chances. She also never knew her father and used to be kinda fat. So all you have to do is tell her she looks good in her dress, and a little while later she’ll say there must be something about you because she “normally doesn’t do anal on the first date.”

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