Ooh La La



People keep telling me that Shawn Johnson is hot, but here’s the thing, man: No, no she’s not. She’s like 4 feet tall and looks like she should be lead blocking for LaDanlian Tomlinson. Fucking her would be like fucking a garden gnome. I’m not even joking when say I’d rather have sex with a slamming car door than Shawn Johnson.

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Shawn Johnson’s Stalker Got a Ticket On The Way



Robert O’Ryan, the lunatic who showed up at the set of Dancing With The Stars with duct tape and guns in his car to marry Olympic gymnast, Shawn Johnson, was stopped by Alabama police on his way to Los Angeles. Wanna take a guess what he told police? TMZ reports:

In surveillance video taken five days before he was arrested, Robert O’Ryan can be heard telling police, “I’m meeting with her. I’ve been communicating with her … Basically, I’m gonna try to get her to marry me.” O’Ryan also says all his conversations with Johnson have been “telepathic.” And after hearing all this crazy talk — the officer LET HIM GO! According to WKRG in Alabama, O’Ryan was given two traffic tickets: one for having no insurance and the other for an expired license plate.

Look, despite what my underwear tells you, I’m not Batman. But even I have enough detective skills to realize that this weirdo may not be the picture of mental health his statements suggested. Jesus, this dude is nuts. He could join Al Qaeda or the police could find the skins of dead children in his attic and that would be the best PR he’s had all year.

You can watch the police surveillance footage HERE

Shawn Johnson at the LA premiere of Hannah Montana The Movie. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to stalk this? Ooh la la:

Banner pic credit: TMZ

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Maybe I Was Wrong



I got a lot of hate mail for my last Shawn Johnson post, in which I suggested the guy who was arrested for stalking her had no taste. I was told that she was “hot” and if I didn’t like her I was “gay”. Now looking at these pictures of her on the set of Dancing With the Stars, I think I might have been mistaken. Man, look at that hot body. If I was a frontier settler I wouldn’t even be able to contain myself right now. As soon as I saw her chop that firewood and fix that wagon wheel, let’s face it, I’d be in love.

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Shawn Johnson Has a Stalker



No seriously. This chick has a stalker. TMZ reports:

A man claiming he was “meant to be” with Shawn Johnson was arrested early Tuesday morning after trying to sneak on to the set of “Dancing With the Stars” — and cops say he had two loaded guns and duct tape in his car. Johnson’s mother, Teri, has just filed a petition for a restraining order against the man, 34-year-old Robert O’Ryan. The restraining order seeks protection for 17-year-old Shawn, her mother, her father and her “Dancing” partner Mark Ballas. According to documents filed by Johnson, “The LAPD searched [O’Ryan’s] vehicle and located a loaded .45 handgun, a loaded shotgun, and materials classically used for kidnapping including duct tape, zip ties, and a map to the victim. Also found were love letters, clippings and other information on the victim.” According to the documents, O’Ryan told police “He had packed all his belongings and permanently left Florida to drive out here to be with [Shawn Johnson], he believes that she speaks to him personally through the television set and through ESP and that they will have a child together, he stated he would be with her no matter what.”

What the hell? Don’t stalkers have any taste? Every time you hear about some lunatic showing up at a celebrity’s door with an empty prescription and a loaded gun, they’re always trying to kill some fug mess like Shawn Johnson, Jodie Foster, Monica Seles, or Cameron Diaz. Why can’t they pi…uhh…oh, wait. Nevermind. Carry on.

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