Shauna Sand, former Playboy Playmate and ex-wife of Lorenzo Lamas, put on her Sunday best for a totally appropriate family outing to Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood. Despite what its name may imply, Mr. Bones is a kid-friendly place, so giving a hummer to a Hebrew National probably wasn’t the most judicious of choices. I can’t really blame her though… all that BPA in her face must be affecting her brain capacity by now.
My penis has been in a lot of things that he’s not proud of, but I am not even halfway joking when I say that there isn’t enough PBR, Patron, and hypnosis in the world for me to willingly stick my dong in this skank. If I did, I can’t shake the feeling that Jesus would tap me on the shoulder and tell me to hurry up and finish because he needs to get Lazarus out.
Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford apparently had a sexual relationship with Shauna Sand when he was 18 and she was 32. At least I think she was 32. I’m not really sure how to calculate zombie years. Star Magazine reports:
“He was so incredibly beautiful — I immediately fell in love with him!” Shauna tells Star exclusively about meeting Chase at a college party in Malibu. The couple began dating “and I even gave him a key to my apartment,” Shauna said. They quickly wore out a path to the bedroom. And though Chace has said he dated a girl for three years while in high school, a friend tells Star: “Chace told me, ‘Shauna was the first girl I ever had sex with! She blew my mind, and I’ll never forget it!’“
If I was Chace Crawford, I would go to the nearest Wal-Mart, buy a shotgun, and blow my fuckin brains out. There’s no way he ever wanted this to come out. To reiterate, the world just found out that he lost his virginity to Shauna Sand. Shauna. Sand. His publicist better find a magic lamp or convince some aliens to invade and colonize Earth, because this is bad. Really bad. In fact, in a recent poll of my penis, he said he would rather lose virginity to a bear trap.
As promised or threatened (whichever applies in this case) here’s an exclusive clip from Shauna Sand’s sex tape that Vivid sent over to us. Depending on your office’s tranny porn policy, you might not want to watch this at work. An ideal place would be where no one can hear you scream.
Since Vivid thinks I'm a pervert with a marvelous dong, they approached us to see if we wanted to post pics Shauna Sand's sex tape. Are they some kind of warlock mystics? It's like they were reading into my very soul!!
NOTE: Be sure to check back today. We have exclusive clips as well. Will wonders ever cease?!
Shauna Sand is no longer fighting the release of her sex tape that Vivid Entertainment
shot professionally with her consent found and has officially signed off on it's distribution. TMZ reports:
Steven Hirsh, the co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment, brought in a handwriting expert to prove Shauna had in fact signed off on the tape — and after meeting with her on Thursday, he says she's withdrawn the cease and desist letter her lawyer sent Vivid earlier this month. Hirsh says Shauna's reason for withdrawing the letter was because a lawsuit could prove "long and expensive." Riiiiiiiight.
Yeah, that's what it was. She didn't want to get tied down with all those legal fees for the non-existent lawsuit that she was going to file. I know she probably thinks she's gonna need a dragon's cave to keep all the money she's gonna make from all this, but keep in mind, she used to look like this (NSFW), now she looks like something Grendel attacked. She might want to invest in a time machine and make another tape, because I'm not gonna lie, I'd rather jack off to a stack of firewood.
Vivid Entertainment has released the cover of Shauna Sand's
completely thought out and calculated decision to film herself getting fucked then pretend it was stolen in order to make money and get attention sex tape, and boy does this look like all the sex tapes I've ever made. Without the professional lighting, makeup, duct tape, and screams that no one will ever be able to hear no matter how loud you scream, it'd be almost like I'm looking in a mirror!
Shauna Sand, whore and mother of Lorenzo Lamas’ three daughters, is suing Vivid Entertainment because she was stupid enough to make a sex tape then forget where she put it. TMZ reports:
Shauna Sand is in a war over a hardcore sex tape that’s about to be released — but her defense is almost as revealing as the tape itself. TMZ has learned Vivid Entertainment has acquired the tape — featuring Sand and her Miami boyfriend — and plans to release it on October 19. But not without a fight from Shauna. Sand just told us, “Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I’ve made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn’t sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now.” But Vivid founder Steven Hirsch says he’s legally entitled to hawk the tape, saying, “We were approached by a third party, who brought us footage of Shauna having sex with her current boyfriend and we were immediately interested in acquiring it … We’re comfortable with our legal position in releasing this footage.”
I think Vivid is being sarcastic releasing this tape so close to Halloween, because let’s be honest, Shauna Sand looks like beef jerky covered in bronzer. I’m not even joking when I say I’d rather watch a sex tape of my mom and a lion. At least then I can pretend I’m watching Animal Planet or something and not spend my time crossing myself because I’m convinced the lady on the screen tit’s are filled with the screams of small children.
If you’re in a safe place and you want to take a long look at the unadulterated hell that are Shauna Sand’s tits, feel free to stare into the abyss HERE (NSFW/L). But be warned, when you stare too long into the abyss, the abyss also stares into you…
Shauna Sand is in a bikini in almost every picture she takes, but here she is with half of it off. I know I’m supposed to get excited about topless pictures, but my penis is so unimpressed he looks like a quadriplegic trying to swim. It’s not happening. Because, just so we’re clear, you’re about to look at Shauna Sand’s tits. You have a better chance of seeing something less scary if you were on board the Event Horizon.
If you’re in a safe place and you want to take a long look at the unadulterated hell that are Shauna Sand’s tits, feel free to stare into the abyss HERE (VERY NSFW). But be warned, when you stare too long into the abyss, the abyss also stares into you.
Technically, Shauna Sand is a female. But so was the chick who stole Ariel’s singing voice. I guess what I’m trying to say is that just because you are, it doesn’t automatically mean you should be wearing a bikini. In fact, in means you should be wearing a stick collar or a net or whatever it is people use when they find previously undiscovered sea monsters.