Well This Is Awkward



Last week, the world spun off its axis when it was announced that Heidi Klum and Seal were divorcing by a greying tower alone on the sea due to irreconcilable differences. But did you know, that when it snows, that TMZ reported Seal was an unhinged maniac with a violent temper. So it’s a little weird what Heidi Klum says in her interview in the March 2012 issue of InStyle. An interview she gave just weeks before the split ooohh the more I read of it the stranger it feels yeaaahh. Oh whatever that was fun. Fuck off.

“I don’t know why we work, my husband and I. We just do. We are black and white – yin and yang,” (Ed.’s Note: LOL) Klum tells InStyle UK’s March issue, in an interview presumably conducted before the “Project Runway” star announced her breakup from the “Kiss From a Rose” singer. “To me, his beautiful face, great body, amazing heart, voice, his ability to be a loving, caring person and father… what can I say?” “I have a lot of fun with him,” she said. “He’s off the cuff. He’s not fixed in his ways. And he knows how to handle me. It’s always been really passionate between us.”

So he’s handsome, has a great body, he’s fun, he’s adaptable, he’s knows how to call her out for being crazy in a nice supporting way, and he’s good in bed. So what exactly was the problem? Schick Quattro pop up ads?

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Seal Is An Asshole With A Violent Temper



After 7 years of marriage and 3 kids, Heidi Klum and Seal announced their seperation this weekend. I thought it might have to do with them disagreeing on Halloween costumes for next year, but apparently it has to do with the fact that Seal is an insufferable asshole who regularly flies into unprovoked rages. TMZ reports:
Heidi Klum is divorcing Seal largely because she has had it with his volcanic temper … TMZ has learned. Sources directly connected with the couple tell us … Heidi’s decision to divorce Seal has nothing to do with a third person. There is NO issue of infidelity. But Seal’s inability to control his anger has become too much for Heidi to take, in no small part because it’s affecting their children. TMZ broke the story that Heidi will divorce Seal, and we’ve learned this was not a snap decision. As one source said, “It was a long time in coming.”

With Martin Luther King, Jr. Day being only a week ago, we really don’t need Hitler saying “I told you so” right now. Hopefully these two can work it out and Seal can summon a wizard for an anti-Lupus spell for whatever the fuck that is on his face. Is that even real? That can’t be real? Is it real?

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JK You Guys



Heidi Klum and Seal aren’t divorcing… Yet. Us Weekly reports:

On Saturday, TMZ reported that Heidi Klum and Seal were heading for a divorce, and that Klum would be filing the papers citing “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for their split. But Us Weekly has learned, exclusively, that the supermodel, 38, and her husband of six years, 48, are still together — for now. “Nothing is finalized or for sure. Seal flew back from the UK yesterday and he and Heidi are in the house together now,” friend close to the couple tells Us. “They’ve had a very rough road lately. They’re either madly in love or having crazy fights.”
The friend goes on to say that the couple’s recent trip to Aspen was full of tension, adding “they fought a lot. It was a very hard trip.”
Seal, who’s famous for his 1994 single “Kiss from a Rose” is set to spend the next month in Australia, where he will serve as a coach on the Aussie leg of the vocal competition show The Voice, alongside Joel Madden. “It’s been very hard. but there is a lot of love there, and any decision that will be made is a tough one because they have beautiful children who they both love very deeply,” the friend says.

I’m pretty sure the root of all of the problems within their relationship is the conundrum that there’s little incentive to banging Heidi Klum in dark, but also little possibility of Seal getting laid with the lights on. I’m also pretty sure doggy style can save this marriage.

Update: JK again, they announced late last night that they’re separating. But my advice still stands.

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This Looks Romantic



Usually when you see a seemingly unconscious white woman being held down by a black man, only one word comes to mind. And that word is “rape”. But you can stop being racist now, because it’s only Seal and the rapidly declining Heidi Klum on vacation with their affront to Nazism black/German hybrid kids in Sardinia. Now back to Seal being so black. I bet Michael Jordan is real jealous of this guy.

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Heidi Klum is Cool



By all accounts, Heidi Klum should be a thankless, self-important bitch who would cause a scene if she had to wait two minutes for her melted Himalayas snow colonic, and it would be totally expected and tolerated because you can get away with things like that when you’re one of the most beautiful women in the world. But all you need to know about Heidi Klum is in these pictures of her and Seal renewing their vows. She has no issues with making herself look like a complete retard for the enjoyment of other people. If this were Jennifer Lopez, she would spend a billion dollars to turn a pumpkin into a carriage pulled by winged unicorns while a hundred handmaidens threw white roses before her feet and guests dined on bald eagle eggs and koala livers. Heidi Klum got some cornrows and hired an Elvis impersonator. So, just imagine the most unassuming, affable dork you ever dated as a 5’10″ German supermodel. The only way Heidi Klum could be more perfect is if she could fly.

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Heidi Klum is Halloween



As promised, Heidi Klum absolutely owned Halloween again. Just look at the costume she wore this year. And look at the one she wore here, and the one she wore here. It’s not even a fair fight anymore. Anything anybody wears for Halloween is always gonna look awkwardly inadequate once Heidi steps in the room. Seriously, the only way this could have been better is if instead of wearing this, she literally transformed herself into the Hulk.

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Heidi Klum is Easy



It must have been really difficult for Seal on his first date with Heidi Klum. She was a gorgeous supermodel, he looked like he bobbed for barb wire. Seal must have been pretty nervous, not knowing what to say or the right time to make a move. No, not really. He pretty much got laid. Heidi Klum says:

We went somewhere very nice for dinner it was very good but I can’t tell you exactly what we did,” she told Pop Tarts last week with a cheeky smile. “It would be too naughty and you can’t run it anyway. It would just be bloop bleep bloop bloop bleep. But it was a very good first date…”

One of my friends dated this chick all through high school but never got any because she wanted it to be special on their wedding night. They got married the day after graduation and after they had sex on their honeymoon she locked herself in the bathroom and cried for two hours, then three weeks later he told me she was pregnant. After the baby was born she quit her job without telling him and cut off all her hair and started wearing capris and Keds and sweatshirts and just focused on the kid and made my friend feel guilty whenever he tried to touch her because she said he was putting his needs before the baby’s. I’m really not sure where I was going with all this, but I get the feeling my friend might want to stuff Seal in a barrel and throw him out of an airplane.

Heidi Klum and Seal in French Elle:

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Heidi Klum Loves Seal’s Package



On Thursday’s airing of Oprah, Heidi Klum will discuss how she took one look at Seal’s pants and fell in love. People reports:

I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow,” Klum tells Oprah Winfrey on her show’s Superstar Couples episode set to air Thursday. Wow, as in Seal was wearing bicycle shorts. “And I pretty much saw everything,” says Klum. “The whole package.”

Awesome. Seal and I only wear our bicycle shorts when we’re really trying to impress, so maybe this will work on Adriana Lima. She’s a virgin, so I may not want to scare her at first. My grandma thinks my Zorro costume may be just the thing to warm her heart.

Promo shots for the 2007 Victoria’s Secret fashion show:

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Heidi Klum is Too Beautiful



Here’s Heidi Klum today at a Germany’s Next Top Model photocall. No matter how close I zoom, Heidi is impossible to pick apart. Heidi Klum is my female equivalent of Jake Ryan. I melt when I see her and get a little unsteady and sick to my stomach just like I do with Jake. It’s disgusting how hot she is. And I seriously own that Jake Ryan t-shirt, by the way. Say what you will about Heidi’s husband, Seal, but any man who writes and sings songs like Waiting For You knows all the right buttons to push (rub, massage, tease, manipulate) on a woman. I’m not talking about all men who sing songs like this. Justin Timberlake may act like a suave little songbird, but I’m quite sure he spends most of his time in bed with women fumbling around and thinking about Duane “The Rock” Johnson in order to keep his dick hard.

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