I stand with Israel in the sense that bagels are great and the fact that most Jewish girls have insanely large tits that you can do pretty much anything with as long as you don’t make a joke about the Holocaust or leggings as pants. So we can go into this post about Sarah Silverman at a screening of I Smile Back in Los Angeles last night with that knowledge. We can also talk about how she’s 44 but has better tits than women not 44. Maybe this is why Palestine is mad all the time.
I’m not going to check, but this is probably the first post I’ve ever done about Sarah Silverman because Sarah Silverman is not really the kind of thing we do here. But she wore this to The Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s Grants Banquet in Beverly Hills last night and I have a page view quota to maintain. So here’s Sarah Silverman in this dress. Cool. Oh, remember that time she lied about being paid less at a comedy club because she was a woman? That was pretty fun. Ok, later.
In July, Sarah Silverman posted the above video, and apparently a Rabbi with a kosher stick up ass wrote a self-serving, blatantly misogynistic open letter last week basically saying Silverman isn’t happy because she’s not married with a bunch of kids. Because, you know, that’s the only way a woman can be truly happy duh. Anyway, in response to the open letter, Silverman’s dad wrote one of his own that kicked the Rabbi in his condescending foreskin. TMZ reports:
“Hey asshole, Daughter #1 is a rabbi. Not by your standards. She’s reform. How dare she, a lowly woman think god wants her to be a rabbi, created from a mere rib. Her hubby, three times nominated for a nobel peace prize was listed by the Jerusalem Post as the 49th most influential jew in the world built the worlds largest solar field in Israel. By the way, Sarah was also on the list. I missed your name. Oldest granddaughter is serving in the Israel Defense Forces. I’m sure you also served.Oh I forgot the orthodox don’t do that. You don’t fuck with my family.”
“See? This is what we’re talking about,” Iran was quoted as saying.
Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman’s reps have confirmed they’ve broken up after five years of dating. Vanity Fair says:
Kimmel’s rep Lewis Kay and Silverman’s rep Amy Zvi both confirmed that Jimmy and Sarah are no longer dating and issued a joint statement that “Jimmy and Sarah have and will have no further comment.”
Yeah right. This is probably another ratings grabber from Jimmy’s show. Next week we’ll see some sketch on Kimmel where Sarah is crapping Jimmy into a toilet and singing,
“I pooped Jimmy Kimmel. There he is in the bowl. I shit Jimmy Kimmel. Went through my colon, he’s still whole. On my tongue, down my throat, and the lil’, man in the boat. Wipe my crack, front to back…”
Britney Spears’ black bikini sparkled, but her “comeback” performance at the MTV Video Music Awards last night fell as flat as her ill-fitting blond weave. Britney lip-synched her way through a three-minute, show-opening performance of her new single “Gimme More,” but it was a far cry from her energetic outings at VMAs past. Glassy-eyed and out of step, Britney seemed lost in a sea of pole dancers and overmuscled male models who groped her so much she wasn’t even mouthing the words by the time her number ended. Cuts to the audience revealed fellow artists rolling their eyes. 50 Cent looked like he might have just thrown up in his mouth, and Rihanna was flat-out laughing to a table guest. “She didn’t seem like she wanted to be there. There was no spark,” said rapper Common. “I don’t wanna disrespect her, but she can’t sing!” Record-producing rapper Akon was a bit more diplomatic: “I think she needed to have focused more on the show and less on the parties.” Possible Brit love interest Criss Angel, who reportedly worked so hard with the singer to prepare for the show, wasn’t even in the audience by the time Britney performed.”
However, the Britney ass kissers over at BreatheHeavy.com, have already started with the excuses:
Britney overheard Sarah Silverman rehearsing her monologue in which she calls Britney’s babies mistakes and takes jab after jab at Britney. Britney made it very clear with MTV that Sarah was NOT allowed to talk about her kids, and MTV agreed. That big-mouthed bitch said it anyway. Sam Lufti was overheard backstage screaming at Sarah Silverman because of her outrageous remarks saying: “Sarah Silverman is a seriously unprofessional person to make fun of infants to get a laugh. Making fun of kids is not condonable,” and that “she should have picked on someone her own size.” Perhaps this why Britney looked upset during her performance.”
Yeah, this is totally understandable, because everybody knows how much Britney cares about her kids. Those precious five minutes a day she spends with them while she’s getting ready to go to the club is something Sarah Silverman will never understand. That bond can never be broken. That’s not second hand smoke those babies are breathing in, that’s their mother’s love.
An MTV Movie Award is only slightly more prestigious than that blood drop with the smiley face sticker you get after your office blood drive, but people seemed to be excited this year because Sarah Silverman was hosting. Not sure why, but I think she’s supposed to be funny. Wait, she’s the one who willingly has sex with Jimmy Kimmel, right? Oh yeah, that chick’s a riot!
Watch Sarah Silverman brilliantly tear into Paris Hilton after the jump…
Ridiculous stripper’s tats aside, Megan Fox is insanely beautiful. She’s engaged to the rapping white boy from Beverly Hills, 90210, so it’s obvious she hates herself. The bully at little Bobby’s school also hated himself after The Get-Along Gang taught him the importance of teamwork and friendship.
Jessica Alba has been whining lately that her hotness is keeping her from good movie roles. The pictures should help.
Victoria Beckham hates bloggers, but apparently not as much as her stylist hates her. Maybe it’s me, but looking like C3-PO with an eating disorder and too much bronzer may not be the fashion trend you thought it was going to be. In fact, no, no it wasn’t.
It might be because I just woke up, but Fergie actually looks pretty decent here. Theories include gamma radiation and a genie.
Rhianna has a gigantic forehead, so she needs a wig with form and function. Like that Lego.