CHRIST

Not sure why you would be, but if you were wondering what Sarah Jessica Parker looks like now, ummm yeah. This is it. Are they really going to make a Sex And The City 3? Is this the one where they all drink the blood of virgins? Or will it be the one where Mr. Big spends the whole movie looking for her only to find out she been in Hershel's barn the whole time? Tip: Aim for the brain.

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Paris Fashion Week Looks Great



Sarah Jessica Parker is quite possibly the ugliest woman who has ever lived, but she has somehow become a fashion icon because HBO’s wardrobe department handed her clothes to put on for six years. So here she is at the Louis Vuitton Show in Paris apparently to make everybody in the audience feel better about themselves. Christ, she’s hideous. She’s like some witch who tricked homely girls across America into thinking that they could come to NYC and be fashionistas and that some rich guy would marry them, except they’ve all been there for ten years now and they still live in a five floor walk up with six roommates who all have paralegal or hostess jobs and massive debt but at least they have a bunch of high heels and other shit they can’t afford because some ugly make believe bitch on television told them that oh whatever I’m done this is taking way too long. You get my point.

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Sarah Jessica Parker Is A Beautiful Snowflake



Sarah Jessica Parker attended the 2011 UNICEF Snowflake Ball last night where I assume she was there to hand our poison apples to every other chick in the room. Please keep in mind that on Sex In The City, every single guy in NYC are falling over themselves to hit this. This. When asked for comment, Rick Grimes said, “Look, that’s not Sarah anymore.”

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Sarah Jessica Parker Almost Killed A Man



Flynet‘s actual caption for these pictures:
A shocked Sarah Jessica Parker looks on at a man who collapsed near her photo shoot in London. The wife of the man who was passing by screamed for help when he collapsed and hotel security quickly rushed to his aid.

Witnesses go on to say the man was shouting, “PHOTOSHOOT?! LOOK AT HER HANDS, MAN! LOOK AT HER HANDS!! WHY ISN’T ANYBODY SHOOTING IT IN THE BRAIN??! AIM FOR THE BRAIN!!! SHE’S COMING CLOSER!! SHE’S IN THE DOOR! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IIIIIITTTTT!!!”. Or something like that. I’m sure it was something like that.

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Ooh, Hey There Sexy



Sarah Jessica Parker has spent her entire career tricking women into thinking that four ugly chicks could live in New York City and have every wealthy, attractive man fall at their feet with lavish gifts and professions of undying love. So women in their 20s flocked to the city with nothing but a Vogue subscription and a dream, knowing they would find the perfect man. Then they find out that actual hot chicks live in NYC and wealthy, attractive men would actually fuck them instead, so these women are now in their 30s at the bar talking shit into their Cosmopolitan because they know they have to go home to nothing but a closet full of Louboutins and their Wish Book filled with clippings from fashion week and pictures of destination weddings. But long story short, Sarah Jessica Parker attended the Robin Hood Foundation last night. You can click on the rest of the pics if you want, but nobody got scared and clubbed her to death so they really don’t get any better.

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Man, What Beautiful Kids

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Sarah Jessica Parker picked up her kids from electric shock therapy this weekend then took them on a stroller ride through NYC. I have no idea why they need electrodes hooked up to their temples, but I assume it has something to do with doctors realizing Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are their parents.

Note
: People get mad when I pick on kids, but please. They’re a result of a sperm of fertilizing an egg, they didn’t invent a time machine. They’ll have people kissing their ass soon enough.

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Sarah Jessica Parker Isn’t Helping



Sarah Jessica Parker attended the Empire State Pride Agenda event in NYC last night, and apparently she wasn’t there to haunt it, but “Winning Equality and Justice for
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender New Yorkers and Our Families” as their website says. They also want states to pass the Dignity for All Students Act to outlaw bullying. That’s cool. Legislating self-esteem seems like the way to go. So when a gay person joins the army, hopefully this law will make their drill sergeant sit everyone in a friendship circle and talk about feelings instead of all that yelling and bullying. Because nobody should be forced to grow stronger in character through the ridicule of others. They should have a zero tolerance policy on this epidemic. And when our prisons are overcrowded with 3rd graders and guys in dunk booths only then will people open their eyes to this travesty!

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Somebody Call Child Protective Services

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I have no idea why Sarah Jessica Parker wasn’t tethered to the baby stroller, but here she is with her totally not homosexual at all husband Matthew Broderick. Apparently placing your hands on a bar of a stroller and pushing it requires you to pass a rigorous test, because Sarah Jessica Parker looks like an unfrozen caveman who just found a skateboard. She has no idea what she’s doing. They have twins, so I guess the other baby is in the stroller being hurled to her death because her mom’s bridle slipped off. That’s probably for the best, because when your dad looks like a effeminate library science teacher and your mom looks like a Civil War ghost, it might be best to get hit by oncoming traffic.

Note: Sorry for being so sickly. I breastfed until I was four and my father beat me a lot, so I really don’t know what the problem is. Anyway, my stomach still looks like 2Pac’s after a trip to Vegas, but other than that, I’m fine. Thanks for all the comments whining about how I suck for having my gall bladder removed. Those meant a lot and really helped in my recovery. I can see how me getting internal organs removed can really inconvenience you when you’re trying to fuck off at work. My bad.

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Never Forget

As a nation, we suffered a tragedy nine years ago and vowed to stand united. Today, let’s put aside any differing opinions and reflect on why we commemorate the events of 9/11. Please take time to remember all the victims and their families, and honor the heroes still sacrificing and serving their country.

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Aim For The Brain



As you look at these pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker at the 2010 CFDA Fashion Awards, please understand that she was at an event. Meaning she had all day to sit in a hair and makeup chair and this is the best they could come up with. This. This chick doesn’t need a stylist, she needs a warlock. I’m glad no children were allowed, because I’m pretty they’d have to leave a trail of bread crumbs if they wanted to go talk to her so their parents could find them. When asked about Sarah Jessica Parker’s striking beauty, other people in attendance were quoted as saying, “AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”

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