Samantha Ronson Is A Very Sexy Lady

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Samantha Ronson‘s mugshot was released yesterday, and I’d like to point out that even in 2011, rape remains a real, palpable fear for women. This saddens me. So to help quell the number of rapes that occur on many unsuspecting women, I suggest they go their nearest plastic surgeon’s office and ask for the “Samantha Ronson”. No, no, please stop. No need to thank me. I am just one man trying to make a difference.

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Samantha Ronson Got A DUI

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Assumed female DJ and Lindsay Lohan’s ex-“girlfriend”, Samantha Ronson, was arrested last night and charged with a DUI. Wait, can you get drunk by licking Lindsay’s vagina? It would make a lot of sense if you could. TMZ reports:

Sam Ronson was arrested this morning for DUI outside Baker, California — home of the world’s biggest thermometer –TMZ has learned. According to the booking sheet, 33-year-old Ronson is listed as 5’7″ and 102 pounds. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, Lindsay Lohan’s ex-girlfriend was driving home from Las Vegas at 10:30AM in her black Porsche when she was pulled over for speeding. We’re told she was given a field sobriety test and didn’t perform well. According to our sources, she refused to take what is commonly called a “roadside blow” — a less-scientific breathalyzer, which is not a mandatory test. She was arrested at the scene. Ronson was transported to the Baker substation, where we’re told she blew over the legal limit. According to sources, she was cooperative the entire time. Sam DJ’d last night at the Lavo nightclub in the Palazzo hotel in Vegas.

In her defense, Samantha Ronson is a lesbian, so maybe she was confused by the whole “roadside blow” thing. Honest mistake. But more about me, I prefer “apology head”. Roadside blow is great and all, but I’m a very careful driver and like to concentrate on my speed and mirror checks. I find going with the flow of traffic on the highway while merging into the right lane to let others pass makes for a much more pleasurable driving experience.

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Samantha Ronson Just Got Hotter

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If you didn’t think Samantha Ronson was a picture of striking femininity and beauty before, well hold on to your fucking hat! People reports:

It’s a scary picture: Samantha Ronson’s face banged up and her lip split after a bike accident on Saturday. The DJ, 33, posted the photo on Monday as a warning: “Wear a helmet kids!!!” “You should see what I looked like on Saturday,” she tells a Twitter follower. She adds with a smiley face emoticon: “Just a little uglier than usual. Other than that, Vicodin is handling the rest.”

Unless you have testicular cancer or named Debo, there’s no reason you should be in your 30s and riding a bicycle. Or a skateboard. Or rollerblades. Some guy named Ford, I don’t know if you heard of him, invented the car a while back. Ooh, look at you father of two doing tricks on your bike! Ooh, look at you surgeon saving the Earth by riding a 10-speed! Now watch me run you over because I thought your hand signals were because you were pointing and wanted me to look at something.

Dear Bicycle Enthusiasts Who Have Been Emailing Me,

Please stop wrapping yourself in the yellow jersey of “I RIDE A BIKE AND YOU PAY $4 FOR GAS HAHAHAHA!!”. You riding a bike in no way, I repeat, in no way, will magically solve the energy crisis or bring the price of oil down. Keep riding your bikes if you want to your glass blowing class or in a group activity with your commune to scout locations for your next friendship hut. I’ll drive. Mostly because I have shit to do and don’t have time to pedal through a meadow to get where I need to be. Time is of the essence in my life, I’m afraid. Also, yes, riding a bike is exercise. I think we all learned that before we had driver’s licenses. But, as it turns out, it’s not the only exercise you can do (i know, right?!). So calm down. Go make sure your bike lock is on tight, then go take a Xanax.

Love,
Todd

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Lindsay Lohan Is Back With Samantha Ronson

This will end well. Us Weekly reports:

After finishing her 90-day rehab stint at the Betty Ford Center in January, Lohan, 24, moved into a four-bedroom Venice, California beach house next door to her old gal pal and now it looks as if the twosome are rekindling their sometimes volatile on-and-off romance.

Friday morning Ronson, 33, suggested on her Twitter account that they pair had shared a sleepover.

“Watching grey’s anatomy — my fav show — @lindsaylohan sleeping next 2 me — should I wake her up to let her know her mom is going on GMA?” she wrote.

The only shocking thing about this story is that Lindsay made a good decision for once by sleeping through Grey’s Anatomy. Her eyelids are much more interesting. So are speedballs, so (more…)

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Lindsay Had No Idea



With billions of apartments in and surrounding L.A., Lindsay Lohan claims she had no idea that she moved within a 100 yards of the woman that she stalked for three years. Of course she didn’t. Because that would be mean she would have to accept responsibility for her actions and admit she’s a ticking time bomb of psychosis and need. TMZ reports:
Lindsay Lohan is telling friends she had “no idea” her new badass beach house was right next door to ex-girlfriend Sam Ronson …but she’s ready to move out in order to “keep the peace.” Sources close to Lindsay tell us … Lohan was aware Sam lived somewhere in Venice, Ca — but she didn’t know how close her new pad was to Ronson’s home until family members saw the DJ pull in to the garage next door on Monday. Now — after Lindsay’s father went through all the trouble of moving her in — we’re told Lohan is considering moving out of the place after learning Sam was “pissed” at the situation. We’re told Lindsay doesn’t want to break the lease — which would cost her big bucks — but she also doesn’t want to “ruffle any feathers.”

Please. Why would Lindsay know that only a grappling hook and a glass door would separate her from the woman she’s obsessed with? Lindsay is a delicate, fragile flower and would never do anything sketchy then try to manipulate the situation after the fact to paint herself as the hapless victim. Lindsay’s right, she doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. She actually wants to break in and make Samantha Ronson saw through her own arm if Samantha really wants to break free from the bonds of their love. Bonds of their love being actual handcuffs welded to a chain around the toilet.

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Christina Aguilera And Benji Madden Might Be Doing It

Coincidentally, the same week Good Charlotte dropped a new album and about three weeks before Burlesque‘s opening night, Christina Aguilera and Benji Madden were spotted on a double date with Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. X17 reports:

Christina Aguilera and rumored boyfriend Benji Madden made it a double date last night with Benji’s bro Joel and fiancee Nicole Richie at the Soho House.

Sources said that Xtina, who’s gotten really close to Nicole Richie, is rebounding from her divorce with Benji Madden, and now we’ve got the proof! Course, it seemed like Benji wanted to keep it on the down low, he hid in the backseat next to Christina (while Nicole was the one hiding in the front.)

Also convenient is the timing of this outing in relation to rampant rumors that Christina’s been getting dirrty with Samantha Ronson, but I actually see this working. They can trade tips on eyeliner and how to really work the crowd when they perform together at the county fair. And, you know, cunnilingus.

A semi-convincing tranny Christina Aguilera impersonator:

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Lindsay Lohan is Persistent



Desperation: Party of One. TMZ reports:
It took a little convincing, some banging and a few four-letter words — but Lindsay Lohan finally talked her way into Samantha Ronson’s apartment Friday night. As we first told you, Ryan Seacrest is trying to get Lilo to do a reality show with him about second chances. Our math might be off, but by letting Sam in her apartment, she gave Lindsay chance #3,217.

I swear, Lindsay must lick it like a Tootsie Roll Pop, because there’s really no way to explain this. I’d have an easier time taking back AIDS than I would taking back Lindsay Lohan.

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It’s Over Again.



Wow, here’s a surprise. E! News reports:
After Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson reconnected last month following their split in April, the couple has once again broken up. The duo broke things off again Monday night after a nasty argument. One major point of friction between the two was Sam’s friendship with Nicole Richie, who’s reportedly no fan of Lohan. “Nicole refuses even to be in the same room as Lindsay,” says a source, noting that just last week Nicole invited Sam to a mutual friend’s birthday party at Bar Marmont with the stipulation that she not bring Lindsay. “Sam went to the party, and it really upset Lindsay,” says the source. Sam’s rep declined to comment on her personal life, and Richie’s rep could not be reached for comment.

I’ve seen more functional relationships on an episode of COPS, so I’m having a hard time understanding why anybody would date Lindsay Lohan much less take her back. She’s a damn mess. That woman who drowned her kids in the tub would make a better girlfriend than Lindsay Lohan.

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Lindsay Lohan is in “Absolute Hell”

You knew it was coming, you knew it was only a matter of time, you knew it was going to be in a magazine, and you were right, Lindsay Lohan has already sold her sob story to OK! Magazine.

“It’s absolute hell,” Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events…Lohan says she’s “so alone” without Ronson. “Everyone’s turned on me,” says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.” Sources tell the magazine Ronson had repeatedly tried to break up with Lohan over the past month, but each time, “Lindsay threatens to kill herself — she cares about her but wants out.”

Damn, that was quick. Didn’t all this just happen? Whatever. The only thing you really need to take from this is that shit is about to get fun. Lindsay is a drug-addicted nympho with no impulse control anyway, so throw in some jealousy and paranoia, and let the party begin. There’s no telling what this crazy bitch will do. Snorting coke like a Dyson and jumping on every penis in a 5 mile radius sounds about right, but barking at cars in the middle of an intersection wearing nothing but a diaper and a Viking helmet seems pretty reasonable, too.

Drunk ass:


Photo credit: Splash

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Dead Poology

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Uh oh, Lindsay has found out about the restraining order. TMZ reports:

Well connected sources tell TMZ Lindsay Lohan is “devastated” after learning members of Sam Ronson’s family are taking steps towards getting a restraining order against LiLo. After Us Weekly broke the story that Sam’s mother and sister went to a Beverly Hills police station yesterday asking questions about the restraining order process, sources tell TMZ Lindsay has been an emotional wreck — crying uncontrollably. We’re also told Sam has cut off all communication with Lohan — and that Lindsay isn’t handling it well. In fact, we’re told people close to Lindsay are worried she “might lash out.”

Well, set your watch. It’s only a matter of time now. Lindsay Lohan officially has no career, no home, and no one to support her. If in six months Lindsay Lohan isn’t filming the final gangbang scene of Ginger Snaps: Anal Invasion in a warehouse full of naked guys in executioner masks, I’m buying everybody pizza! Everybody loves pizza!

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