Hey, Salma. Sup?

Salma Hayek and the rest of the cast of Savages were at the Mandarin Oriental in London last night, but if they wanted to be included in these pictures with Salma, they should have thought about that before they showed up without gigantic tits.

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Only Look At The Bottom 2/3 Of This Photo, Links

Jessica Lowndes is in a bikini [The Superficial]
Selena Gomez did something stupid to her hair [Popoholic]
Maria Menounos is in Shape [Hollywood Tuna]
Gisele Bundchen is pregnant, still hot (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Here’s three more blind items to enjoy [Dlisted]
Kate Upton got wet for Terry Richardson (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]
Katy Perry looks terrible in her new movie [Celebuzz]
Johnny Depp wants you to know it was all Vanessa Paradiss‘s fault [Celebitchy]
The best summer songs [COED Magazine]
Pick up lines for the person you’re already dating [College Humor]
The best of Louis C.K. [The Chive]
Andrew Garfield wants a sequel to The Amazing Spider-Man [Moe Jackson]
Rihanna forgot her bra [Celebslam]
Kanye West wants a huge (more…)

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Savages Looks Like A Good Movie, Links

Aubrey O’Day is crazy and only her dogs can fix it [The Superficial]
Orlando Bloom is one lucky bastard [Popoholic]
Jessica Biel covers up at the beach for some ridiculous reason [Hollywood Tuna]
Miley Cyrus and a muscle car (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
John Travolta is so obviously sexually attracted to his wife [Dlisted]
Alec Baldwin‘s fiance forgot her underwear (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]
Now John Stamos is talking about 50 Shaded of Grey [Celebuzz]
John Edwards dumped his crazy baby mama [Celebitchy]
Jennifer Lawrence is see-through (NSFW site) [The Nip Slip]
25 reasons this week won’t suck [COED Magazine]
If fictional teachers had tenure review [College Humor]
40 funny bikini photos [The Chive]
Elizabeth Banks is promoting something [Moe Jackson]
Kate Hudson is on vacation [Celebslam]
The groom should have left her at the altar [Evil Beet Gossip]
This is Megan Fox‘s way of confirming she’s knocked up [Amy Gindhouse]
The Spice Girls have their own musical now [Lainey Gossip]
Kaley Cuoco is in Maxim Australia [Egotastic]
Jennifer Lopez is at the beach [Cityrag]
Flo Rider is sued, lied to the judge [Popcrush]
Don’t call social services, Willow Smith‘s tongue ring was fake [Film Drunk]
Paris Hilton is a (terrible) DJ now [Allie Is Wired]

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You’d Be Smiling Too, Links

Will Smith doesn’t like men kissing him [The Superficial]
Xenia Deli replaced Kate Upton [Popoholic]
Carmen Electra‘s still got it [Hollywood Tuna]
Miley Cyrus is see-through (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
How about some blind items? [Dlisted]
Kim Kardashian is the hottest woman in the world [Celebuzz]
Skyfall has a teaser trailer [Celebitchy]
Mick Jagger + Foo Fighters + SNL = Rock ‘n Roll History [COED Magazine]
25 Things You Hate Yourself for Saying [College Humor]
27 Monday motivational photos [The Chive]
More red carpet photos from the Billboard Music Awards [Moe Jackson]
Kourtney Kardashian is handicapped now [Celebslam]
Another billionaire is off the market [The Blemish]
Rihanna‘s ass. That is all [Evil Beet Gossip]
“Missing” Nick Stahl (more…)

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The 69th Golden Globes Were Last Night

Angelina was seriously giving Brad this look all night. The “you’re getting your balls drained and a sandwich of your choice as soon as we get home” look.

The Oscars’ half sister who only gets to see their dad every other weekend and every other holiday but not even then because her mom is on meth and therefore not very reliable the courts are involved now were last night, and it was even more mind-numbingly more boring than you’d imagined. Ricky Gervais was supposed to come and be funny again, but NBC only let him on stage for five minutes. And Madonna won an award. And somebody let a serial leg rapist dog with ADHD on stage. And I’m pretty sure Sidney Poitier died. Just a bad night all around. Anyway, here’s who won:

Best Motion Picture – Drama
The Descendants

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
The Artist

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
George Clooney, The Descendants

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture Octavia Spencer, The Help

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion PictureChristopher Plummer, Beginners

Best Director – Motion Picture
Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
Midnight in Paris

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt:

George Clooney and OMG Just Glad To Be Here Guys I’m Dating George Clooney Don’t Know If You Heard:

Sofia Vergara andsweetlordinheavendaddylike:

Gerard Butler and oh look Jess’ ovaries just dropped and she’s knitting something now:

Charlize Theron and probably a one-hitter hidden somewhere in that dress:

Kate Beckinsale and I just came twice I’m sleepy :

Salma Hayek and Siri what’s Spanish for “motorboat”?:

Jessica Alba and why was she there it was about acting oh that’s right tits:

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Salma Hayek Really Enjoys The Financial Security Her Ovaries Have Provided

In March 2007, people were shocked when Salma Hayek announced her pregnancy and engagement in the same press release. That’s because nobody really knew she was dating French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault. How did she fall for him so fast? Was it his smoldering good looks? His charming personality? The way he always asks to hear about her day? No? It was $11.5 billion? Oh, okay. That’s what I thought, too. Us Magazine reports:

The actress, 44, wed French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault (his family is worth $11.5 billion) in February 2009, and the duo share daughter Valentina, who turns 4 next month. And the Puss in Boots star doesn’t apologize for the super-luxe, globe-trotting life she gets to lead. “I never understood the point of being privileged if you don’t get to have the privileges,” Hayek says in the September issue of Allure. Explains the Mexican-born beauty: “Like, people who won’t take their kids to an expensive restaurant, or won’t travel with them, or make them pay for everything at a really young age. I think it’s important that kids have responsibilities and understand the value of things, but I think it’s great I get to travel the world with my daughter.” According to the New York Post, Pinault spends $50,000 per month, via trust, on his little girl, on top of lavish vacations and gifts.

Later in the interview Salma Hayek shot gold coins out of her vagina then threw them off the balcony to the peasants. You know, just to fully drive the point home that she’s rich.

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Linda Evangelista Is Very Reasonable

You can read the whole back story here if you want, but all you need to know is that Linda Evangelista believes that anything that comes out of her vagina is a winning Powerball ticket. New York Post reports:

Glamorous cover girl Linda Evangelista came to Manhattan Family Court yesterday — and slapped her deadbeat billionaire French baby-daddy with a $46,000-a-month support request. “That would probably be the largest support order in the history of the Family Court,” noted Support Magistrate Matthew Troy, who is expected to decide on an amount when the parties return to Family Court next month. The demure but towering Evangelista, still stunning at 46, is demanding the cash from Francois-Henri Pinault — CEO of the Paris-based luxury conglomerate that owns Gucci, Yves St. Laurent and Bottega Veneta — who is the father of her 4 year old, Augustin James, to whom he has not paid a penny since the boy’s birth.

$46,000 a month? Does this baby’s doctor have him on a strict arugula and caviar diet? Is Mary Poppins his nanny? Does Rapunzel make his onesies out of her hair? Does he have a gambling problem? No? So can somebody explain to me why this chick needs $46,000 a month to raise a kid? Kids born with cancer and clawhands don’t need this much.

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Being A Billionaire Is Awesome

In March 2007, Salma Hayek came out of nowhere (possibly the bank) and revealed that she was pregnant and engaged to Frenchman and CEO of the $28 billion conglomerate that owns Gucci, Bottega Veneta and Yves St. Laurent, Francois-Henri Pinault. Nobody even knew they were dating at the time. In July 2008, Salma’s plan to intentionally get knocked up by a billionaire and never be heard from again to live out her days in opulent, untold luxury took a turn when the couple called off their engagement. However, they soon reconciled and were married on Valentine’s Day, 2009 in Paris. Or roughly about the time the secret baby he made by not pulling out of Linda Evangelista turned two. Haters gonna hate! New York Post reports:

The father of supermodel Linda Evangelista’s 4-year-old boy is none other than billionaire Frenchman Francois-Henri Pinault — who just happens to be the husband of actress Salma Hayek, The Post has learned. Despite Evangelista’s rep denying Pinault’s paternity when confronted with it by The Post’s Page Six back in October 2007, the Victoria’s Secret stunner came to court yesterday in hopes of hashing out a support agreement with Pinault, the father of the boy, Augustin James. The Manhattan magistrate’s court action confirms that the two-timing Pinault is the daddy to two 4-year-olds by different world-famous beauties. Evangelista, 46, herself has zealously guarded the love child’s paternity, even lying to protect Pinault. A year after “Augie’s” birth, she was claiming in interviews that the father was “a New York architect.” He rep at DNA Model Management, Didier Fernandez, called the Pinault paternity rumor “untrue” when confronted with it by Page Six in 2007. Yesterday was the model’s third or fourth trip to Family Court, and no agreement was reached, making a fall support trial looking likely, according to a court source. Evangelista left glumly without commenting to a reporter. Pinault, 49, was a no-show, but that was due to a misunderstanding, said his lawyer, David Aronson.

You ever see those posters of a cartoon sun and the sun is wearing sunglasses and it makes the gun sign with its hands and the hands are pointing at you and the sun has a sly smile? You have? Well, that sun is this dude’s dick.

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Salma Hayek Is In A Bikini

There was a time when I would have held a wet towel over a newborn’s face for the chance to bang Salma Hayek (this being that time), but she’s in St. Barts with her kid, so I guess I can blame the kid for my disappointment now. I mean, I’d still hit it, but I get the feeling when I woke up there would be a note on the refrigerator telling me to enjoy the empanadas and Coke and to remember that I couldn’t watch TV until my homework and chores were done. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but you know what else doesn’t make sense? Her kid isn’t wearing soccer shoes. I was under the impression that little Mexican kids always wore those when they went someplace fancy. Like the laundromat.

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Salma Hayek Does Letterman

Will Salma Hayek ever be not hot? Was she engineered with some Mexican biotechnology and an El Camino full of oranges that we don’t know about? Christ, this woman is beautiful. I’m not one to comment on a woman’s physical appearance in a lewd manner, but she should know that I like my milk from the tap. I just bought a box of graham crackers if she’s interested.

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