Hayek v Sarandon: Cannes Of Titties
Hayek v Sarandon: Cannes Of Titties

Susan Sarandon walked around Cannes last week with her nipple just chillin, and if you’re an old lady who likes walking around with your nipple hanging out, France is probably the best place to do that. They love that kind of stuff over there. Seemingly the older the better. Then Salma Hayek showed up. Who I guess now is basically French. I think they both knew this was the 69th Cannes Film Festival. I see what you did there, ladies. 

The Todd Film Festival would screen this scene every year. Possibly every hour on the hour.

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Salma Hayek Wore This Dress

We can talk about how London Evening Standard is a newspaper that gives out theater (sorry, theatre) awards for some reason and the fact that Salma Hayek shows up to them, but you guys should guess how hard my penis was when I was editing these pics. Haha, wrong! It was way harder than that you guys don’t know anything lol so dumb.

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Salma Hayek Posed Topless For Allure

There has never been, nor will there ever be, a more flawless and perfect female form than Salma Hayek in From Dusk Til Dawn. There’s really no point in arguing this with me. Anyway, Salma Hayek also watched From Dusk Til Dawn and knew she had to quit acting and marry a French billionaire before she started to look like the Salma Hayek in the movie who saw Quentin Tarantino’s blood. So she did. Now she’s 48 and posing topless in the August 2015 issue of Allure. She’s still married to the French billionaire. I’d marry a French billionaire if I looked like Salma Hayek. I’d look in the mirror and swipe left on any profile that didn’t include the words “CEO” and “conglomerate”. 

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Salma Hayek’s Rack Went To Cannes

Hey, remember when Salma Hayek was an actor and stuff then she was like, “wait, I look like Salma Hayek why am I not married to a French billionaire” then she married a French billionaire and got pregnant? I guess Cannes is close to her house, so she showed up with her husband and dem titties. Sorry. You can’t see them. You need at least a billion in your Well Fargo Way To save account before she’ll take them out. Or you can time travel back to the 90s and just go see any movie she was in. Either or.

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Hey, Salma. Sup?

Salma Hayek and the rest of the cast of Savages were at the Mandarin Oriental in London last night, but if they wanted to be included in these pictures with Salma, they should have thought about that before they showed up without gigantic tits.

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Only Look At The Bottom 2/3 Of This Photo, Links

Jessica Lowndes is in a bikini [The Superficial]
Selena Gomez did something stupid to her hair [Popoholic]
Maria Menounos is in Shape [Hollywood Tuna]
Gisele Bundchen is pregnant, still hot (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Here’s three more blind items to enjoy [Dlisted]
Kate Upton got wet for Terry Richardson (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]
Katy Perry looks terrible in her new movie [Celebuzz]
Johnny Depp wants you to know it was all Vanessa Paradiss‘s fault [Celebitchy]
The best summer songs [COED Magazine]
Pick up lines for the person you’re already dating [College Humor]
The best of Louis C.K. [The Chive]
Andrew Garfield wants a sequel to The Amazing Spider-Man [Moe Jackson]
Rihanna forgot her bra [Celebslam]
Kanye West wants a huge (more…)

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Savages Looks Like A Good Movie, Links

Aubrey O’Day is crazy and only her dogs can fix it [The Superficial]
Orlando Bloom is one lucky bastard [Popoholic]
Jessica Biel covers up at the beach for some ridiculous reason [Hollywood Tuna]
Miley Cyrus and a muscle car (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
John Travolta is so obviously sexually attracted to his wife [Dlisted]
Alec Baldwin‘s fiance forgot her underwear (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]
Now John Stamos is talking about 50 Shaded of Grey [Celebuzz]
John Edwards dumped his crazy baby mama [Celebitchy]
Jennifer Lawrence is see-through (NSFW site) [The Nip Slip]
25 reasons this week won’t suck [COED Magazine]
If fictional teachers had tenure review [College Humor]
40 funny bikini photos [The Chive]
Elizabeth Banks is promoting something [Moe Jackson]
Kate Hudson is on vacation [Celebslam]
The groom should have left her at the altar [Evil Beet Gossip]
This is Megan Fox‘s way of confirming she’s knocked up [Amy Gindhouse]
The Spice Girls have their own musical now [Lainey Gossip]
Kaley Cuoco is in Maxim Australia [Egotastic]
Jennifer Lopez is at the beach [Cityrag]
Flo Rider is sued, lied to the judge [Popcrush]
Don’t call social services, Willow Smith‘s tongue ring was fake [Film Drunk]
Paris Hilton is a (terrible) DJ now [Allie Is Wired]

IDLYITW [Facebook][Twitter]
Todd [Twitter]
Kathy [Facebook] [Twitter]

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You’d Be Smiling Too, Links

Will Smith doesn’t like men kissing him [The Superficial]
Xenia Deli replaced Kate Upton [Popoholic]
Carmen Electra‘s still got it [Hollywood Tuna]
Miley Cyrus is see-through (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
How about some blind items? [Dlisted]
Kim Kardashian is the hottest woman in the world [Celebuzz]
Skyfall has a teaser trailer [Celebitchy]
Mick Jagger + Foo Fighters + SNL = Rock ‘n Roll History [COED Magazine]
25 Things You Hate Yourself for Saying [College Humor]
27 Monday motivational photos [The Chive]
More red carpet photos from the Billboard Music Awards [Moe Jackson]
Kourtney Kardashian is handicapped now [Celebslam]
Another billionaire is off the market [The Blemish]
Rihanna‘s ass. That is all [Evil Beet Gossip]
“Missing” Nick Stahl (more…)

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The 69th Golden Globes Were Last Night

Angelina was seriously giving Brad this look all night. The “you’re getting your balls drained and a sandwich of your choice as soon as we get home” look.

The Oscars’ half sister who only gets to see their dad every other weekend and every other holiday but not even then because her mom is on meth and therefore not very reliable the courts are involved now were last night, and it was even more mind-numbingly more boring than you’d imagined. Ricky Gervais was supposed to come and be funny again, but NBC only let him on stage for five minutes. And Madonna won an award. And somebody let a serial leg rapist dog with ADHD on stage. And I’m pretty sure Sidney Poitier died. Just a bad night all around. Anyway, here’s who won:

Best Motion Picture – Drama
The Descendants

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
The Artist

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
George Clooney, The Descendants

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture Octavia Spencer, The Help

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion PictureChristopher Plummer, Beginners

Best Director – Motion Picture
Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
Midnight in Paris

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt:

George Clooney and OMG Just Glad To Be Here Guys I’m Dating George Clooney Don’t Know If You Heard:

Sofia Vergara andsweetlordinheavendaddylike:

Gerard Butler and oh look Jess’ ovaries just dropped and she’s knitting something now:

Charlize Theron and probably a one-hitter hidden somewhere in that dress:

Kate Beckinsale and I just came twice I’m sleepy :

Salma Hayek and Siri what’s Spanish for “motorboat”?:

Jessica Alba and why was she there it was about acting oh that’s right tits:

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Salma Hayek Really Enjoys The Financial Security Her Ovaries Have Provided

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In March 2007, people were shocked when Salma Hayek announced her pregnancy and engagement in the same press release. That’s because nobody really knew she was dating French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault. How did she fall for him so fast? Was it his smoldering good looks? His charming personality? The way he always asks to hear about her day? No? It was $11.5 billion? Oh, okay. That’s what I thought, too. Us Magazine reports:

The actress, 44, wed French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault (his family is worth $11.5 billion) in February 2009, and the duo share daughter Valentina, who turns 4 next month. And the Puss in Boots star doesn’t apologize for the super-luxe, globe-trotting life she gets to lead. “I never understood the point of being privileged if you don’t get to have the privileges,” Hayek says in the September issue of Allure. Explains the Mexican-born beauty: “Like, people who won’t take their kids to an expensive restaurant, or won’t travel with them, or make them pay for everything at a really young age. I think it’s important that kids have responsibilities and understand the value of things, but I think it’s great I get to travel the world with my daughter.” According to the New York Post, Pinault spends $50,000 per month, via trust, on his little girl, on top of lavish vacations and gifts.

Later in the interview Salma Hayek shot gold coins out of her vagina then threw them off the balcony to the peasants. You know, just to fully drive the point home that she’s rich.

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