Russell Brand Divorced Katy Perry Over Text
Russell Brand Divorced Katy Perry Over Text

 

Katy Perry just got her first Vogue cover and in addtion to getting her picture taken, she said some words. Here are a few of those words.

“He’s a very smart man, a magical man and I was in love with him when I married him. “Let's just say I haven't heard from him since he texted me saying he was divorcing me December 31, 2011."

So, how insufferable and annoying do you have to be for your husband to send you a text saying "we're getting divorced lol" then never make contact with you again? I don't know the scientific measurement for that, but I assume it's pretty high.

 

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Russell Brand Is Making You Look Bad



“I have a penis, mate. I can earn it back. Very well. On your bike.”

Historians will spend eternity trying to figure out how a marriage between a Jesus freak and a raging sex addict didn’t last, but unlike God, Russell Brand seems to be able to handle money. TMZ reports:

Russell Brand is one step closer to severing all ties with Katy Perry — because he’s surrendered his interest in the house they bought together while they were happily married — if they were ever really happily married. TMZ got hold of a quitclaim deed that Russell filed in L.A. … giving Katy all rights to the $6.5 million house — lock, stock and barrel…It’s further proof of what Russell said — that he doesn’t want a penny of Katy’s money and wants the split to go as amicably as possible … so far, so good.

When the divorce was announced, Brand turned down the $20 million he was entitled to after the marriage, and now he’s signing away the rights to another $7 million. This is news, of course, because if Katy Perry was a man and Russell Brand was a woman, Brand would have already taken out a second mortgage to hire a divorce attorney and air time for a press conference with Gloria Allred. Because, as we all know, women are motivated by money and everything to do with money. Watch Beauty and Beast. Women are cool with Stockholm Syndrome as long as the dude has his own castle.

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Russell Brand Doesn’t Want Katy Perry’s Money



Because California is a no-fault state and there was no prenup, Russell Brand is entitled to half of Katy Perry‘s earnings throughout their marriage. He doesn’t want any of it. TMZ reports:

Russell Brand is entitled to approximately $20 million of Katy Perry’s fortune … but TMZ has learned he will not take a single penny of it. Russell’s lawyer filed final divorce papers Tuesday … although the judge will make the divorce official on June 30, because there’s a 6 month waiting period. Informed sources tell TMZ … Russell and Katy did NOT have a prenup. As a result, everything they earned during their 14-month marriage is community property — which means they’re each entitled to 50% of the pot. Katy made $44 million between May, 2010 and May, 2011 — according to Forbes. The couple married in October, 2010, so Russell could have scored a fortune if he exercised his community property rights. But here’s the deal. As one source put it, “This divorce is as amicable as it gets, and Russell was a mensch (Yiddish for a good person).” He doesn’t want Katy’s money. He’s happy to walk away with the money he earned — which is far less than what Katy raked in.

Katy Perry earned her money shooting whipped cream out of her tits and singing about binge drinking and kissing girls and how someone is hot then cold then yes then no then in then out then up then down. As a writer whose books weren’t half bad, Russell Brand probably equated taking her cash to a black guy wearing blood diamonds and a Klan hood.

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That Was Quick



Russell Brand isn’t wasting any time. Us Weekly reports:

Moving vans were spotted Wednesday outside Russell Brand and Katy Perry’s L.A. home. The duo, who announced their split Dec. 30, purchased the massive, seven bedroom three-story home for $6.5 million in June. So what led to the end of Brand and Perry’s 14-month marriage? A source tells the new Us Weekly, on stands Friday, that Brand, 36, blindsided Perry, 27, when he filed for divorce without consulting her. “The plan was for Katy and Russell to have the holidays apart, then see if they wanted to go through with a separation,” says a source.

Maybe it’s me, but I think once you decide to skip Christmas with your wife, your mind’s been made up already. Maybe when Russell Brand figured out that can wake up to something like this instead of something like this and walk away with close to $30 million in a settlement, he may not have needed as much time to deliberate as Katy anticipated.

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Katy Perry’s New Album Will Be All About Russell Brand



Because all of her songs are deep wells of emotion and introspect and in no way sound like a 7th grader with a Casio and a creative writing assignment, Katy Perry‘s next album will be about her relationship and breakup with Russell Brand. Oh good. The Sun reports:

A source said: “Ever since problems started to emerge, she penned her thoughts in a diary which she goes back to to draw upon for lyrics for her songs. “She has always said that writing is almost a form of therapy for her and she would often be found in her dressing room on tour writing in her diary. “She spent a lot of time in Hawaii over Christmas writing lyrics to two of her latest tracks.” Russell filed for divorce at LA Superior Court last Friday, citing “irreconcilable differences”.

And just so we’re all clear about what therapeutic, soul searching lyrics we can expect, this article also includes lyrics Perry wrote about Travis McCoy. I assume this article included them sarcastically.

She documented Travis McCoy’s alleged drug abuse in her album track, Circle The Drain. The lyrics went: “Thought I was the exception/ I could rewrite your addiction/ You could have been the greatest/ But you’d rather get wasted/ You fall asleep during foreplay/ ‘Cause the pills you take are more your forte.”

Even though I’m still not fully convinced that “Rollin’ In The Deep” isn’t about a woman’s desire to make fresh buttermilk biscuits from scratch then eating all of them immediately, when Adele sings you kinda get what she’s been going through. When Katy Perry sings it sounds forced and fake and the lyrics probably had to be approved in a staff meeting where Adele came by to see if they had any leftover donuts. C’mon, it’s obvious she’s an emotional eater.

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Russell Brand Is Into Wheelchair Porn



“See that Iraq veteran over there, love? Won’t you be a good lass and blow him for me.”

Russell Brand‘s publicists fired the first shot on why his marriage to Katy Perry didn’t work (Jesus, too much partying, etc), now Perry’s publicists have taken the amp and did this to it. Hollywood Life reports:
Russell, a former sex addict, reportedly grew dissatisfied with Katy no matter how she tried to keep things hot in the bedroom. Plus four other reasons why he ended their marriage! Poor Katy Perry, she did her best to cater to her husband Russell Brand‘s sexual needs but it wasn’t enough, according to a shocking new report in Us Weekly. “Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her,” a source says. “When things got bad, if they got a roll in the hay, they were always better after.” But the source goes on to say that despite Katy’s attempts to keep the spark alive in the bedroom by scheduling monthly date nights at swanky hotels, it was “never enough.” Russell’s sexually fetishes were also reportedly hard for Katy to keep up with. “He likes dirty things,” the source says. “He really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He’s attracted to things he can’t imagine happening to him.” Adding that Russell had a closet full of sex toys.

Look when you’ve been inside as many vaginas as Russell Brand has, sex gets boring real quick. When the pussy isn’t a challenge anymore it gets boring, so if you can bang any pussy you see at any time, then you want to see amputees in wheelchairs having sex or dog’s peeing on a blonde Asian midgets tits or whatever you can find that gets you off. That’s why David Bowie and Mick Jagger fucked each other. They looked outside and saw a sea of pussy and said, “christ, not that again.” I mean, Katy Perry’s tits are great and all, but if you had to see them everyday then it wouldn’t be long until they weren’t so great anymore. I guess what I’m saying is NEVER GET MARRIED.

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Russell Brand Divorced Katy Perry Because She Partied Too Much



Russell Brand is a recovered alcoholic and heroin addict and an allegedly recovered sex addict. Katy Perry partied too much for him. The Daily Mail reports:

Russell Brand filed for divorce from Katy Perry because she refused to settle down and have his children, the Sunday Mirror can reveal. The couple had a series of huge bust-ups over her partying and boozy lifestyle in the run-up to the collapse of their 14-month marriage. Comedian Russell, 36, has beaten booze and drugs addictions and wanted to shun the Hollywood clubbing scene and start a family with the Firework singer. But Katy, 27, didn’t want to become a “Hollywood housewife”. A source close to the couple said Katy took off her wedding ring and handed it back to Russell after one last devastating row a week before Christmas. The I Kissed A Girl star thought she had called her husband’s bluff and he would come running back. But it was the final straw for Russell, who simply shrugged his shoulders and flew home to his mother Barbara. The couple spent Christmas 7,000 miles apart – Katy in Hawaii, Russell in Cornwall – before he instructed his lawyers to start divorce proceedings on Friday. … It remains unclear whether the decision to end the marriage was mutual. … When Katy took her ring off he decided it was best he walked away. “Katy was surprised that Russell didn’t come running back but she had met her match. They are both strong-willed people and there has been a lot of game-playing going on.”

Katy Perry sounds like an awesome wife. In addition to dictating what her husband can wear and not banging him on their honeymoon, she also lied about her intentions when tying the knot. Katy Perry also pretty much said “fuck you” to everything her husband currently stands for at the VMAs, where he did a tribute to fellow addict and current corpse Amy Winehouse, and she raved about how drunk she was. I guess the moral of the story is, vaginas are all replaceable. So when your husband is used to cumming on three different chests a day (or at a time), you should be a little more sensitive and a little less of a cunt. Especially when you wake up looking like this.

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Russell Brand Filed For Divorce Because Katy Perry Is Scared Of God



And people wonder why the entire world is slowly realizing that organized religion is stupid. TMZ reports:

Katy Perry WANTED Russell Brand to file the court papers in their divorce … because she didn’t want to upset her religious parents … sources connected to the former couple tell TMZ. We’re told … Katy and Russell knew the relationship was on the rocks a couple of months ago — but didn’t want to give up on the marriage without making a concerted effort to work things out. But the effort fell flat … with both sides feeling “it just wasn’t there.” We’re told both Katy and Russell were on board with the divorce a few weeks ago — but they didn’t want to be in town when the papers were filed … so he went back to England and she booked it to Hawaii. Since Katy’s parents are evangelical Christians, we’re told she didn’t want to be the one to “officially” end the marriage by filing the docs … since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.

Sorry, maybe it’s because I haven’t had enough coffee yet, so I’m having a hard time catching up. But just to be clear in what they’re saying here, God is cool with you abandoning your career as a Christian singer to sell your soul for fame and fortune by jacking up your tits and singing about being a lesbian and writing songs with thinly-veiled lyrics about giving blowjobs to boost California’s tourism industry, but he’ll strike you dead if you even think about divorcing a sex addict who’s done enough heroin to kill a dragon? Wow. This God guy seems a little bipolar. Either that, or the people who follow him have no fucking idea what he’s telling them. Look, if you want to say you’re a Christian, then be a Christian. I’m all for it. But when you make it into a buffet lifestyle where you get to pick and choose which side dish of rules goes best with your hypocrisy and sanctimony to serve your own selfish needs, then you’re not fooling anybody, sweetie. Nice tits, though.

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Katy Perry And Russell Brand Are Getting A Divorce



Man, I don’t think anybody saw this coming. Hahaha, I’m totally kidding. We all did. MSNBC reports:

Rumors have been swirling for some time, but now it’s official. Comedian and actor Russell Brand and singer Katy Perry have filed for divorce. Brand cites “irreconcilable differences” in the petition, filed in Los Angeles. The 36-year-old British comedian told AP on Friday: “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I’ll always adore her and I know we’ll remain friends.” The couple wed Oct. 23, 2010, in a traditional Hindu ceremony near the tiger sanctuary in India where Brand had proposed.

If this site has taught you anything, it’s that I like skinny brunettes with big tits. But one more thing its taught you is that as soon as a celebrity couple comes out in interviews and talk shows and say they love each other very much and that their marriage is perfectly fine, that means they’ve already been talking to lawyers for at least two months. I hope nobody is shocked by this news. If you are, I’m sure Russell Brand would call you to talk you down and tell you everything will be okay, but he might be busy jerking off in a high school girl’s mouth at the moment.

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Katy Perry And Russell Brand Are On The Rocks



Katy Perry and Russell Brand have a lot of fun telling talk show hosts how great their relationship is. Right. Us Weekly reports:

Days after his wife Katy Perry was spotted in Hawaii sans wedding ring, Russell Brand followed suit and stepped out in London on Thursday not wearing his diamond encrusted wedding band. The British comedian and the chart-topping singer spent Christmas on opposite sides of the globe due to a “massive fight.” While Perry, 27, hit up the beaches in Hawaii on December 25, Brand, 36, spent the holiday in Cornwall, England. An insider tells Us Weekly, “She was like, ‘F–k you. I’m going to do my own thing.’ Russell replied, ‘Fine, f–k you too.’” Though the pair denied divorce rumors in November, sources say trouble is brewing. “They haven’t split up just yet, but things are not good,” says the first source. “The fighting is getting worse.” At issue? Among other things, explains another source: “Katy doesn’t think Russell respects her parents’ Christian beliefs or her friends.”

Katy Perry’s most notable friends are Rihanna (who took back Chris Brown after he beat the shit out of her because he bought her an iPod) and Perez Hilton (no explanation needed). In addition, it’s difficult to take Katy Perry’s parents seriously when their “Christian” beliefs include, in Perry’s own words, calling deviled eggs “angeled eggs” and avoiding Lucky Charms because they’re too pagan. Katy Perry does have a right to get pissed at her husband for not respecting her parents’ religion when she pumps out overproduced songs about liquor-induced lesbianism and black out drinking, though. It’s cool with them because Jesus turned water into wine. And, you know, because having a Christian rock singer named Katy Hudson for a daughter didn’t buy them any real estate.

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