Robert Pattinson Really Wants To Bang Katy Perry

Hey, here comes another "Robert Pattinson is trying to date Katy Perry" story.

Robert Pattinson and Katy Perry were looking cozy at an LA after-party for his movie “The Rover.” We’re told Perry sneaked into a Loft & Bear vodka-sponsored bash at Whiskey Blue at the W through the kitchen just before midnight and headed for a patio. “Later on, Robert joined her,” said a spy. Another witness said, “They were heavily flirting. At one point, Robert sauntered to the bar with a pal and was heard saying, ‘She’s so [bleeping] hot,’ nodding in Katy’s direction.”

Say what you want about Robert Pattinson playing a vampire who liked glitter and Kristen Stewart, but his great grankids will still be spending that Twilight money. Not that Katy Perry needs his money, but she should consult with her financial advisor to see if dating Robert Pattinson could alleviate a few expenses. She could probably get him to pay her phone bill and give her his Netflix login.

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Robert Pattinson Dumped Kristen Stewart Again



“Hey, remember that married guy you blew? Haha, not cool, bro.”

I guess you could feel pretty unloved when your girlfriend blows a married dude for 6 months then doesn’t really apologize, so it looks like Robert Pattinson has dumped Kristen Stewart for a second time so they can “rebuild trust”. Sounds like a brilliant plan. LES reports:
“She flew to LA and was supposed to be Rob’s date for the Golden Globes, but he told her he wants to cool it off. He loves her but would rather go back to being good friends so they can rebuild their trust and focus on work after Twilight.” “Kristen’s upset but understands. She shouldn’t have pushed him to reconcile after her infidelity. She’s hoping he’ll come round and time will be a great healer. He was getting so much pressure to ditch her. His friends told him to focus on his career and said she was wrecking his chances.”

I’m not sure how you can rebuild trust after your girlfriend had another dick in her mouth. Maybe he can use some of Haiti’s money.

Photo credit = WENN

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Kristen Stewart Is Still Texting Rupert Sanders
Kristen Stewart Is Still Texting Rupert Sanders



Because being forced into marriage and giving all of of your passwords to your insecure, codependent boyfriend is every woman’s dream, Kristen Stewart is still keeping in touch with Rupert Sanders. Man, I wonder why she would do that? Hollywood Life reports:

“Kristen is saying all the right things to Rob, but she’s not being totally honest with him. Rob made her promise to stop talking to Rupert, and she’s broken that promise already. Kristen justifies it because, technically, she’s not actually talking to him, so she feels like she’s still keeping her word,” the source adds. Kristen and Rupert spent a lot of time together on the set of Snow White and the Huntsman. Beyond their affair, a friendship likely formed. “Kristen swears she’s only keeping in touch with Rupert because she feels sorry for him. His wife, Liberty Ross, has totally turned her back on him, and Kristen feels somewhat responsible for that. She doesn’t want to hurt Rob, but she doesn’t see the harm in exchanging text messages with Rupert so that he doesn’t feel so abandoned.”

In an IDLYITW Exclusive, I got a copy of one of their text exchanges:

Rupert: u alone?
Kristen: for a few. rob’s in the shower.
Rupert: he showers? lol
Kristen: lol
Rupert: *dick pic*

Seems legit.

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Robert Pattinson Was Named The Sexiest Man Alive



For the fourth year in a row, Glamour UK has named Robert Pattinson the sexiest man alive. Somebody should tell Rupert Sanders. You know, for the lulz. New York Post reports:

More than 40,000 people voted in this year’s survey. The “Twilight” heartthrob beat “Thor” star Tom Hiddleston and perennial favorite Johnny Depp, who were second and third respectively.

1) Robert Pattinson
2) Tom Hiddleston
3) Johnny Depp
4) Michael Fassbender
5) Benedict Cumberbatch
6) Robert Downey Jr.
7) Taylor Lautner
8) Paul Wesley
9) James McAvoy
10) Henry Cavill

I question any list about sexiness that includes the words “Benedict” and “Cumberbatch”, but that’s the least of your worries when Robert Pattinson is at the top. Because nothing says “sexiest man alive” than an insecure, pussy whipped cry baby who asks a chick to marry him after she told the world that she took loads in the mouth in between takes of her latest movie. Tony Romo even questions the accuracy of this list.

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Robert Pattinson Has Already Moved Back In With Kristen Stewart



Damn. This chick must give better head than a Guinness. Us Magazine reports:

Now that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are done making up, they’re back to shacking up! “They are living together and have reconciled,” an insider tells Us Weekly in the new issue, on stands Friday. As Us revealed last week, Pattinson, 26, and his estranged love recently “had a dramatic makeup.” But a source tells Us the British hunk “is extra-sensitive right now. He’s insecure.”

Based on what I read on the Internet from pre-teen girls and single women in their 30′s, Robert Pattinson could walk down the street and have his choice of vagina. Instead, he spends his nights wiping his tears with Kristen Stewart’s hair and not allowing her to love the room without making her say she loves him. Fuck, no wonder all the chicks in England date black dudes or brown soccer players. I would worry about Robert Pattinson reading this, but he’s probably making a shadowbox to put the napkin in that Kristen Stewart used last night.

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Robert Pattinson Is Forcing Kristen Stewart To Marry Him



The very first time Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson publicly acknowledged they were dating was the public apology Kristen Stewart issued for banging director Rupert Sanders for six months and blowing him in his car. So of course the first thing you’d want to do with that kind of woman is to marry her. Daily Star reports:

Rob told Kristen the only way he can forgive her affair is if she truly commits to him. “Rob has been keen to marry Kristen for quite a while and he doesn’t want to get back with her unless he knows she means it for life too. “Although Kristen broke Rob’s heart he has realised he can’t live without her. He never stopped loving her and he believes she still loves him. “He is desperate to make it work and wants to give her another chance but not unless she proves she really wants it too.”….“They have both talked openly about marriage before and she’s been telling him for years that she doesn’t want to rush into anything. “But Kristen will do anything to get back with Rob now and one of the conditions is to discuss getting married and the future. Rob is very romantic and traditional.”

If love has taught us anything, it’s that if you date a girl and she cheats on you, forcing her to marry you will in no way make her feel trapped. She’ll never cheat on you again and the rest of your life will be filled with passion and trust, because women love being given ultimatums and men who dictate their lives out of shame and guilt. They should go ahead and make this wedding a two-part special on E!, because this is sure to last forever.

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Kristen Stewart Banged Rupert Sanders For Six Months



In her public apology to seemingly everyone, Kristen Stewart said her affair with the married director of Snow White and The Huntsman was a “momentary indiscretion”. I had to Google it, but that translates to, “this dude had his dick in me for six months LOL”. People UK reports:

…relatives of Rupert, 41, who saw her gazing adoringly at him ­during the premiere of Snow White and the Huntsman on May 29, suspect the affair went on much longer. Pictures have also emerged of the pair looking cosy in a restaurant in Berlin on May 15. Rupert’s actress-and-model wife Liberty Ross, 33, who plays Kristen’s mother in the Snow White movie and was at the premiere, believes the “fling” started during ­filming last year. Liberty’s younger brother Leopold, a British rock ­guitarist based in Los Angeles, insisted: “It was from the last half of filming and all through post-production, clear into last week.” Leopold revealed the anger felt by his sister, who met Rupert when she was a teenager and left Britain so her husband could make a career in Hollywood while she looked after children Sklya Lily, seven, and Tennyson, five. Leopold said: “She made some sacrifices for something she thought was worth it, now she knows, right? Five minutes from her home. “Doubt it was worth it but it’s life. It might actually make things better in the long run. She wasn’t that happy for a while, but our family is close, she’ll be all right.”

No official reason has been given as to why Stewart cheated other than she’s a huge slut, but sources now say it’s because she’s crazy. Or a “woman”. Same thing.

Meanwhile sources close to American beauty Kristen claim she cheated on London-born hunk Robert, 26, because of jealousy over his friendship with ­another co-star. Robert became close to Australian actress Emilie de Ravin, 30, while filming Remember Me in 2009. They stayed friends and he was a shoulder to cry on when the former Lost actress’s ­marriage to actor Josh Janowi hit the rocks. A source close to Kristen said: “She found it difficult to cope with Robert being close friends with another woman. “As their friendship grew, she ­became more envious to the point that she would be very upset. They struck up their friendship when they were working away in New York and Kristen was still living in Los Angeles. “Nothing romantic ever happened between them but it didn’t make Kristen feel any better about them being so close. Emilie was at a very low ebb. She was going through a split and she and Robert made one another laugh.

Kristen Stewart looks like a dead lay, but she can apparently only get wet from sucking off a married dude in a car or her revenge plot over the scenario in her head that never happened. So she probably gives up the ass. I’m torn, my friends. That’s really all I have for this story.

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Cosmopolis Looks Like a Good Movie

Playing billionaire Eric Packer on a sex-filled journey across Manhattan is the breakout role Robert Pattinson needs to move away from teen heartthrob to legitimate actor, so of course he asked his girlfriend to clean up nice, come to the premiere, and almost fall out of her dress. When asked for comment, Dan Gainor said he would need a few hours to study these photos before he would know just how many children they would destroy. I guess that really depends on his sperm count.

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Robert Pattinson Is Very Humble



Robert Pattinson (seen here with a typical Twilight fan) is reportedly a singer-songwriter but has yet to release any material. But don’t worry, he’ll be bigger than The Beatles. The Sun reports:

“I am sure I’ll be one of those artists that people don’t pay any attention to while I’m alive, and when I am dead people will go yeah, man, that was a work of art…”I see myself playing in a rundown blues bar, with about three people drowning their sorrows. I play according to my mood, and sometimes that can come across as very depressing in music.

Right, because I can’t wait to hear a skinny, rich white dude in body glitter tell me how depressed he is. What, did his eyeliner pencil break? Did he spill his microbrew on his cashmere cardigan when he found out a farmer’s market was closed? I don’t get it.

So a wannabe Ray LaMontagne in a knit cap basically. Sweet:

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Hey There, Handsome



Tween cutter rape fantasy Robert Pattinson is considered one of the sexiest men in the world, and based on these pictures of him leaving SOHO last night, it’s easy to tell why. As you can see, either Kristen Stewart dyed her hair and aged 20 years overnight, he was also with a mystery woman who he probably already artificially inseminated. “I don’t have to stick in her, right? I mean, I don’t have to see her…oh, OMG! Don’t say it, don’t say it! OMG, ewwww!,” Robert Pattinson was overheard as saying.

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