Here’s All The Chicks You Want To See From The Golden Globes. Trust Me

My apologies for giving you Lena Dunham and Jacqueline Bisset first thing this morning, so to make up for the that, here's all the chicks that don't look like something you'd stab then run away screaming if you saw them on the street. Also, the keyword for this post is "boobs". Everyone likes boobs!

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Reese Witherspoon Just Trolled The Atlanta Police Department

Trust me on this, because I am expert and have studied them extensively, there is nothing more passive aggressive as a Southern woman. You'll will have no idea what just happened after a hot woman with perfect hair and makeup smiles, gently touches your arm and says, "aww bless your little heart, sweetie." You'll think now is the time to ask for her number, but then you realize everybody around you is laughing and she's rolling her eyes and pulling a mirror our of her giant, designer bag because a quality control check hasn't been performed on her hair in the last five minutes. Reese Witherspoon's Souther Woman Game is tight, because she basically just did all that by putting on a baseball hat.

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Reese Witherspoon Wants You To Know She Was Just Being Protective

Even though her arrest reporst says Reese Witherspoon was a mouthy drunk who only got arrested because she wouldn't shut the hell up and let the police do their job, a "source" (attempted PR spin) says the arresting officer misunderstood Witherspoon and she was only being "protective" because she was "afraid". Yes, because white people should be fearful for their lives when they are pulled over in a suburb. E! News reports:

"It wasn't like that," the source said, and explained that when the officer was handcuffing her, Witherspoon simply asked, "Do you know my name?"  as in "Don't you need to know my name?"  The source also added that there was no screaming or any sort of physical altercation between Witherspoon and the officer. "She was being protective of her husband and was fearful of the situation," they tell us.

Ah, yes. That's it. The cop just misunderstood her. That happens when you're drunk and hysterical. Or a drunk bitch. Either or. I guess we'll never be able to sole this great mystery, my friends.

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Reese Witherspoon Got Arrested For Being A Drunk Bitch
Reese Witherspoon Got Arrested For Being A Drunk Bitch

 

Being America's Sweetheart like Reese Witherspoon is cool, because you get to be a billigerent, drunk bitch who won't shut the hell up when your husband is being arrested for a DUI and the cops won't bother you because they know you're like super famous and everything. Oh wait, I meant whatever means the opposite of that. TMZ reports:

The arrests went down in Atlanta early Friday morning. Cops say they spotted Reese and her husband Jim Toth's car — a silver Ford Fusion — weaving in and out of lanes, so they pulled them over. As officers dealt with Jim, Reese allegedly started acting up, telling cops, "Do you know my name?" The officer answered by saying, "No, I don't need to know your name." Witherspoon then came back with, "You're about to find out who I am … You are going to be on national news." During Jim's arrest, Reese allegedly became ornery, demonstrating visual and verbal frustration over how long it was taking to arrest her husband. At one point, she got out of her car and the officer ordered her back inside. When she got out a second time, she arrested her for disorderly conduct, a municipal ordinance. They were both taken to jail, booked, and released a short time later.

Now that I think about it, Reese Witherspoon looks like she'd pull the "Do you know my name?" even if she wasn't famous, so none of this is actually surprising. Anyway, after she sat in a jail cell for a while, she issued an a backhanded apology that goes on the defensive in the fist sentence.

"Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that was no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. I have nothing but respect for the police and I am very sorry for my behavior."

Half the populartion of America probably has a DUI, and if a Southern woman hasn't been arrested for disorderly conduct at least once in her life, they take away all your Skynyrd t-shirts, so this could have been a lot worse. Anyway, I'm just more amazed by her mugshot,. It looks like part of the offical poster to a movie she's in where her ex-husband's ghost shows her that true love never dies. And Jim Caveizel plays her dead ex-husband. And their dog, who they bought together when it was a puppy, can sense his presence. Or something like that. This is more of a rough draft.

 

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Reese Witherspoon Is Pregnant. Again.



In case you haven’t heard, the Internet is buzzing this morning because a 36-year old woman is pregnant with her third child by her second baby daddy. What wonderful news! Us Magazine reports:
When Reese Witherspoon turns 36 this Thursday March 22, she’ll definitely have something extra to celebrate: A baby on the way! As multiple sources confirm exclusively in the new Us Weekly, out now, the Oscar-winning actress is pregnant with her third child, and her first with second husband Jim Toth, who she wed last March at her $7 million ranch in Ojai, Calif. after over a year of dating. “Reese is right around 12 weeks,” one source explains, adding that the This Means War star is “not planning to announce it.”

She’s 12 weeks, so if my math is correct, the baby’s chin is now fully formed and will be born at least 7 months before Jessica Simpson’s.


Pic source = Fame Flynet

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The Old Lady’s Off Scot-Free

Bitch didn’t even get a Breathalyzer. E! Online says:

According to a report, Reese Witherspoon has no plans to press charges against the elderly driver who hit her with her car Wednesday while the Oscar-winning actress was out jogging in Santa Monica, sending her to the hospital with minor injuries. So what is going to happen to the driver? Even though the 84-year-old driver broke the law by failing to yield to Witherspoon as she was running within an unmarked crosswalk, causing the accident, a source told Us Weekly that the 35-year-old actress opted not to take the woman to court. The thesp luckily sustained only a minor cut to her forehead, and shortly following the incident her publicist told E! News that Witherspoon was “resting comfortably at home” after receiving treatment. Her rep was unavailable for comment on the latest report. E! News has learned, meanwhile, that the unidentified driver was ticketed with a moving violation and has been ordered to return to the DMV to retake her driver’s test. Sgt. Richard Lewis of the Santa Monica Police Department said officers on the scene issued the woman a driver’s reevaluation form, which means she needs to take a full examination within 30 days. The spokesman added that it’s up to the DMV ultimately whether to require her to take an eye exam or provide a list of medications.

To be clear, the driver was a woman, which means she was driving poorly, but she was also 84, which means she was driving slowly (reports estimate 20 mph), so Reese got lucky. I never understood why senior citizens drive slow, because they don’t have much time. If this driver planned ahead, Reese Witherspoon would have a much cuter chin today.

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Reese Witherspoon Got Hit By A Car



Wanna take a guess if it was a woman driver? That was rhetorical, btw. USA Today reports:

Don’t worry. She’s fine now. But on Wednesday morning at around 11 a.m., as she was out getting some exercise, Reese Witherspooon was struck by a car in Santa Monica. AP reports that the actress was crossing a street and the driver of the vehicle – an 84-year-old woman, who was driving about 20 mph – failed to stop for her. Reese was taken to a local hospital, Capt. Judah Mitchell of the Santa Monica Police Department told Access Hollywood, describing the incident as “minor.” A rep for said in a statement that Reese was “not seriously injured” and was released from the hospital soon after incident. The rep said Reese was “resting comfortably at home.”

They might as well give women licenses to ride dragons or bears, because it can’t be any worse than when you put them behind a wheel of two ton piece of metal that has a vertical pedal on the right. But on the brightside, you can’t put your mascara on while blowing through an intersection when driving a dragon. Dragons have no rearview mirrors.

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Reese Witherspoon Got Married Again

Reese Witherspoon realized her best years were already five behind her. Us Weekly had the details:

Reese Witherspoon married Jim Toth early Saturday evening at her 6-acre ranch in Ojai, Calif., UsMagazine.com has confirmed.

Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends (including Renee Zellweger, and Alyssa Milano, and Tobey Maguire) in the front courtyard of the Ojai house.

Reese and Jim dated for about a year before they got engaged.

Sources close to the newlyweds tell Us they’re the perfect match. Says one pal of Toth, who’s bonded with her kids: “He’s a very confident guy who takes care of her.”

“[Reese] really wants to be married and have that security with someone,” another insider says. “They feel like they’ve hit the jackpot in this relationship!”

It’s early and it’s an aging Tracy Flick. This is supposed to be a huge deal, but at best, I almost care. I’m just a little peeved that her chin is probably going to be on magazine covers this week.

Here’s her ex husband’s new piece in shorts. All images from WENN.

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