Reese Witherspoon Wants You To Know She Was Just Being Protective

Even though her arrest reporst says Reese Witherspoon was a mouthy drunk who only got arrested because she wouldn't shut the hell up and let the police do their job, a "source" (attempted PR spin) says the arresting officer misunderstood Witherspoon and she was only being "protective" because she was "afraid". Yes, because white people should be fearful for their lives when they are pulled over in a suburb. E! News reports:

"It wasn't like that," the source said, and explained that when the officer was handcuffing her, Witherspoon simply asked, "Do you know my name?"  as in "Don't you need to know my name?"  The source also added that there was no screaming or any sort of physical altercation between Witherspoon and the officer. "She was being protective of her husband and was fearful of the situation," they tell us.

Ah, yes. That's it. The cop just misunderstood her. That happens when you're drunk and hysterical. Or a drunk bitch. Either or. I guess we'll never be able to sole this great mystery, my friends.

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Reese Witherspoon Got Arrested For Being A Drunk Bitch
Reese Witherspoon Got Arrested For Being A Drunk Bitch

 

Being America's Sweetheart like Reese Witherspoon is cool, because you get to be a billigerent, drunk bitch who won't shut the hell up when your husband is being arrested for a DUI and the cops won't bother you because they know you're like super famous and everything. Oh wait, I meant whatever means the opposite of that. TMZ reports:

The arrests went down in Atlanta early Friday morning. Cops say they spotted Reese and her husband Jim Toth's car — a silver Ford Fusion — weaving in and out of lanes, so they pulled them over. As officers dealt with Jim, Reese allegedly started acting up, telling cops, "Do you know my name?" The officer answered by saying, "No, I don't need to know your name." Witherspoon then came back with, "You're about to find out who I am … You are going to be on national news." During Jim's arrest, Reese allegedly became ornery, demonstrating visual and verbal frustration over how long it was taking to arrest her husband. At one point, she got out of her car and the officer ordered her back inside. When she got out a second time, she arrested her for disorderly conduct, a municipal ordinance. They were both taken to jail, booked, and released a short time later.

Now that I think about it, Reese Witherspoon looks like she'd pull the "Do you know my name?" even if she wasn't famous, so none of this is actually surprising. Anyway, after she sat in a jail cell for a while, she issued an a backhanded apology that goes on the defensive in the fist sentence.

"Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that was no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. I have nothing but respect for the police and I am very sorry for my behavior."

Half the populartion of America probably has a DUI, and if a Southern woman hasn't been arrested for disorderly conduct at least once in her life, they take away all your Skynyrd t-shirts, so this could have been a lot worse. Anyway, I'm just more amazed by her mugshot,. It looks like part of the offical poster to a movie she's in where her ex-husband's ghost shows her that true love never dies. And Jim Caveizel plays her dead ex-husband. And their dog, who they bought together when it was a puppy, can sense his presence. Or something like that. This is more of a rough draft.

 

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