Ray Rice Is Basically Blaming Satan Now
Ray Rice Is Basically Blaming Satan Now

 

After Ray Rice was caught on camera  knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator in Atlantic City, first his wife was blamed, then the NFL, then the media. When none of those stick, Christianity has this cool feature built in where you can blame Satan for everything, because even though you have free will and can do what you want at all times, you really can’t because Satan keeps putting bottle of liquor to your face and your wife’s face in front of your face. Man, that Satan! What a card! Haha, that dude is always up to something! LOL chill, Satan. But the really neat thing is, that you can have all that stuff forgiven if you just close your eyes and say some words really earnestly and give 10% of what you make to God’s middle man. You don’t even have to worry about judges and laws and stuff, because only God can judge you! How great is that?!

Ray Rice says hard liquor was the fuel that triggered his elevator rage and he hasn’t touched the stuff in months … sources close to Rice tell TMZ Sports. Rice told the Baltimore Ravens he and Janay Palmer had been drinking HEAVILY before the altercation. Rice is telling friends he becomes a different person when he boozes it up … so he’s changed his life. But he hasn’t changed that much, because we’re told he still drinks wine … just not hard liquor. Our sources say Ray and his wife have gotten deep into religion since the February incident — they were both baptized in March when they decided to become Born again Christians. We’re also told they’ve also done religious mentoring with other couples … including NFL players and their wives. As for Ray, he issued a statement Tuesday saying he’s trying to “work through this” — noting, “We have a lot of people praying for us.”

Dude, next time you drink heavily, just got to Waffle House like a normal person. Trust me, Satan wouldn’t be caught dead in that place.

 

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Ben Carson Wants Us To Stop “Demonizing” Ray Rice
Ben Carson Wants Us To Stop “Demonizing” Ray Rice

 

Ben Carson, the bland, former chief of pediatric neurosurgery at the Johns Hopkins Children’s Center who conservatives want to run for president, because they think we’ll be tricked by his skin color instead of focusing on views, chimed in on the whole Ray Rice thing. HINT: It’s not good.

“I’m hopeful that they will get some help for him. Obviously, anyone who would do something like that needs some help,” Carson said Monday on “The Steve Malzberg Show” on Newsmax TV….“Let’s not all jump on the bandwagon of demonizing this guy. He obviously has some real problems,” Carson said.  “His wife knows that because she subsequently married him.” (hey, Todd here. Yikes)…Despite the violence, for which Rice apologized, the couple later married. Carson pleaded for both to get counseling. “They both need some help,” Carson said. “Rather than just jumping on an impunitive bandwagon [of criticism], let’s see if we can get some help for these people.”
 
So if you can’t demonize a guy for knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator, please let me know what we can demonize a guy for, because I’d really like to know. Affordable healthcare? Although they clearly both need help, you know who doesn’t need any sympathy nor lack of criticism? The guy who knocked his wife unconscious in an elevator. Meanwhile, Janay Rice, who had to sit at a press conference and apologize for getting beat with her abuser sitting next to her like he was her parole officer, is now basically Belle in a really fucked up version of  Beauty and the Beast, and is STILL apologizing and blaming everyone except Ray Rice, because she’s been Stockholm Syndromed and beat in the head so much all logic and sense of self has left her brain. She literally believes it’s her and the media’s fault that her husband can no longer has the privilege of playing in the NFL. Look, divorce him. Take half his money, then make a song featuring Rihanna. All songs featuring Rihanna do very well chart-wise and on iTunes. Then donate half of  what you make on that to a battered women’s shelter. Then maybe go to the The Cheesecake Factory. Their avocado eggrolls are surprisingly on point.

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Ray Rice Can Just Hang Out In Elevators Now
Ray Rice Can Just Hang Out In Elevators Now

 

That escalated quickly.

The Baltimore Ravens have terminated the contract of running back Ray Rice, the team announced Monday, the same day a shocking video surfaced showing the NFL star punching his then-fiancee in February. The news release from the NFL team was terse. “The Baltimore Ravens terminated the contract of RB Ray Rice this afternoon,” it read. Shortly after the team’s announcement, the league said the three-time all-Pro was suspended indefinitely. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, who had originally given Rice a two-game ban, increased the suspension after viewing the new video for the first time, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said on Twitter.

So apparently, Ray Rice told his coaches and teammates that he hit his wife out of self-defense, then that story completely collapsed when the new security footage came out. Then his teammates were like “nah, bruh” and his coaches were like “nah, bruh”, then they all went to the front office and said, “ya’ll shut cut this dude” and the front office was all like, “ya’ll make a valid point even though we just put up a statue of a murderer out front”. Then his teammates and coaches were like, “yeah, but we just need this story to go away. we kinda suck now anyway, so think of the cap space we could save”.  “True that, true that,” the front office replied.

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So, Here’s The Full Video Of Ray Rice Punching His Wife
So, Here’s The Full Video Of Ray Rice Punching His Wife

 

“Hold the door!”

 

Hey, remember when Ray Rice dragged his unconscious wife out an elevator at Revel Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City a day after Valentine’s Day? Cool, cool. Well, the full video was released today. The video the NFL claims, very conveniently, that they never saw until today (although they make it kinda clear they didn’t even ask for it). In the video, Rice gets physical first, then when wife wife strikes back, he punches her, she falls and hits her head on the rail and is basically asleep before she hits the ground. His punishment? He has to sit out two games. Steve Smith is his teammate now, so when Rice gets back, Smith can show him how to only punch his teammates instead. Until then, basically fuck Ray Rice and the NFL. I won’t sit here and try to defend women, because I saw a bunch with Rice jerseys on yesterday, so until you guys want to stand up to this, I’ll concern myself with the real victims of the NFL: Dallas Cowboys fans. Have you or someone you know been victimized by Tony Romo?

 

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If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe Twice
If You’re In The NFL, You Can Only Beat Your Wife Once Now, Maybe Twice

 

If you’re in the NFL and smoke weed twice, you get suspended for a year. If you’re in the NFL and  drag your wife out of an elevator by the neck after you knock her unconscious, you get suspended for two games. But that’s okay, because television journalists will let everybody know that maybe that bitch deserved it. Those sound like totally acceptable punishments for those crimes, correct? No? I didn’t think so either. So today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new disciplinary measures for all NFL employees involved in domestic violence incidents.

In light of the situation involving Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and subsequent outrage over his two-game suspension, the NFL has announced a much stronger policy for domestic violence and sexual assault. According to Jane McManus of ESPNNewYork.com, citing a letter sent to all 32 NFL owners, offenders will receive a six-game suspension for the first offense and lifetime banishment for the second offense.

With this law, you only get one chance to beat your wife, so make sure it’s for something really important, because if you do it again, you’ll be banished from the NFL for life. Wait, sorry. By “lifetime ban”, they mean “a year”.

In reality, it’s an indefinite ban with a minimum of one year for a second offense on domestic violence or sexual assault.

Whew. At least a year is better than nothing. They’ll have plenty of time to sit and think about what they did while they serve out their punishment. Wait, no they won’t.

NFL’s new domestic violence policy could be challenged via antitrust law: it impacts players’ employment and wasn’t collectively bargained.

So, what have we accomplished here? Nothing. Mostly nothing. Goodell got to send out a letter, because I guess he likes writing letters. I’ll give the NFL some credit for actually acknowledging the problem and not attempting to cover over it unlike some professions, and I hate I even have to point this out, but don’t hit women. Like, just don’t hit them. The only time you should hit a woman is if she just recently turned into a zombie or got possessed by the devil. Those are the only two reasons. If she happened to recently turn into a werewolf or vampire, check to make sure she’s just not on her period first, then if she’s not, run away. Run as fast as you can. Because hitting them then will be pointless and futile, because werewolves and vampires are strong.

 

Addendum:  In Vegas, you can hit a woman if, and only if, the price is agreed upon beforehand.

 

 

 

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