Tiger’s Main Ho To Do Playboy



Homewrecking vagina (Tiger Woods, David Boreanz), Rachel Uchitel, plans to go all out with her remaining 15 minutes by posing for Playboy. But apparently she has too much class to go completely nude. TMZ reports:
Rachel hedged when we asked her about a Playboy offer on TMZ Live on Friday — but we found out that Tiger Woods’ #1 mistress has already struck an agreement. A source close to the mag tells us Rachel has the right to pull out any time before the shoot goes down — which is in three weeks. We’re also told Rachel won’t be baring it all — just the backside … and the topside. No word on when the spread will run in the mag.

Man, for a whore she has a real high opinion of herself. I wonder why she won’t show off the kitty? I bet she doesn’t want all those unmarried guys to see it. They just let anybody buy that magazine, you know.

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Tiger Woods’ Main Ho Is Close



Tiger Woods hasn’t made a public appearance since Thanksgiving and many people believe that he is hiding out on his $22 million yacht, Privacy. The $22 million yacht that is seven miles from where these pictures of Rachel Uchitel in a bikini were taken this weekend. Is this some sort of coincidence? Does my ass look hot in my new Diesel jeans? So many unanswered questions!

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Tiger Bait



I just realized it might have been a little racist to have a white lady holding a banana under the heading “Tiger Bait”, but enough about me. Rachel Uchitel is stacked. This chick is the only one that looks anywhere near as hot as Tiger’s wife, so I guess he can be proud about at least one. Although not as proud as I am of the batch of lemon cookies I just pulled out of the oven. They’re like heaven in your mouth! Granny will be so happy when she comes home! I’m such a good boy!

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Tiger Is Screwed



Seriously, Tiger. Kill yourself. Star Magazine reports:
What started as a steamy tryst between Tiger Woods and sexy NYC event planner Rachel Uchitel quickly turned into a full blown love affair — and only Star has the details of the email that will explode Tiger’s marriage! Although the golf star cheated with many women during his five-year marriage to Elin Nordegren, none of his other conquests ever got to him the way Rachel did. “Tiger told her he had a deep connection with her,” says an insider. “He’s told Rachel, ‘You’ll be in my life till the day I die.’” While Tiger and Rachel exchanged many sexy text messages and intimate phone calls, it’s an email that could bring an end to Tiger’s marriage. Following a three-day rendezvous in Orange County, Calif.,While Tiger and Rachel exchanged many sexy text messages and intimate phone calls, it’s an email that could bring an end to Tiger’s marriage. Following a three-day rendezvous in Orange County, Calif., Tiger sent Rachel the message confessing that they shared an intimacy he’d never experienced with another woman — including his own wife! “I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this…not even at home,” Tiger wrote in an email sent to Rachel, says her pal, in early November. The married father-of-two also acknowledged that it must be “brutal” for her to not be with him all the time, saying it “kills” him too. As Star reported Tuesday, Tiger’s wife Elin, whom he married in 2004, eventually confronted Rachel about the affair — twice. During the first phone call, Rachel convinced Elin that a brief encounter at a night club where she worked was the extent of their relationship. But soon after, in the early hours of the morning following Thanksgiving — Elin called Rachel again, yelling: “I know everything.”

It’s safe to assume that Elin Nordegren can go ahead and pick out her vault at Gringotts to keep her piles of gold, because there’s no way Tiger is gonna be able to talk his way out of this. Instead of banging all these whores, Tiger should have rented a plane and just threw bags of money into a volcano.

These pictures: Rachel Uchitel in a bikini. Banner picture: Elin Nordegren in a wet tank top. Tiger has been eliminated from the round of play:

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Tiger Hit This



Rachel Uchitel, the woman who had sex with Tiger Woods on Ambien while his wife and baby were at home, apparently used to date Stephen Dorff. As your discerning eye will deduce by these pictures taken last summer in Malibu. Based on these pictures I can see why Tiger hit that, but based on face, I can see why he’s trying to pay her off not to say anything. Not to sound rude or critical, because that’s not my thing, but her face looks like the drawing of an abused child. And I can’t really say that’s a compliment.

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Tiger Liked Having Ambien Sex



Rachel Uchitel (banner picture), the first woman to come forward as one of Tiger’s mistresses (she’s a 34-year who has served as VIP Manager for several clubs in NYC and has a history of banging married celebrities after she lost her fiance in 9/11), isn’t done telling everything she possibly can about her affair with Tiger Woods. Specifically, Tiger likes to get high before sex.Radar Online reports:

Now we’ve learned that Uchitel told friends that she and Tiger liked to have sex while taking the drug Ambien. Uchitel told one pal, ‘You know you have crazier sex on Ambien – you get into that Ambien haze. We have crazy Ambien sex.’” Ambien is a sedative used for short-term treatment of insomnia. Many people claim it enhances sexual experience dramatically immediately after ingesting it. Uchitel told several friends that she and Tiger had Ambien sex. She at first vehemently denied an affair with Tiger when the National Enquirer broke the story. After Tiger’s wild ride early-morning crash, Uchitel continued to deny the story and then decided to tell the truth.

I really need to talk to my lawyer about this, because I thought giving girls things to make them sleep before having sex with them was against the law. Say want you want about me jumping from behind a car and forcing Megan Fox to inhale chloroform, but this is basically the same thing right? The prosecutor in my case throws around words like “assault”, but I’d like to think it was a surprise party of Megan’s vagina.

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