Pippa Middleton Is A Best-Selling Author. HAHA JK



When you tell a woman that she’s hot and give her attention, she believes she can do anything. So despite having an comically large inbred head and only being famous because he sister married their cousin who happened to be a prince, the world went apeshit for Pippa Middleton for about six months a while ago. So she took that as the rest of world would want to know her secrets for hosting a successful party. SPOILER: They didn’t. Radar Online reports:

Prince William’s sister-in-law’s hardcover book, Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends, published on October 30, has sold so poorly in England that WHSmith has just reduced the price from $40.63 to $10.16. In the 400 page book, Middleton gives her secrets to hosting a successful party, which includes recipes, crafts, traditional games, and trivia suitable for each occasion. But reviews have been scathing, with critics poking fun at Pippa’s tips for building bonfires and hanging donuts from trees and her obvious suggestions, such as, “ice goes great with drinks” and “a turkey at Christmas time is good for large gatherings.” One Amazon reviewer declared, “what a waste of dead trees.”

I’m not gonna lie, I bought this book yesterday. Did you know that you should buy candy for Halloween or that chicken is the main ingredient in fried chicken? I was amazed to find out that champagne is great in something called a “champagne glass”. Thanks, Pippa!

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Pippa Middleton Could Be Going To Jail



So, remember like for 15 minutes in 2011 the world went apeshit over Pippa Middleton claiming she had the best butt on the planet and if she found a quarter on the ground it was covered by every media outlet followed by a poll question asking if you liked her outfit or OMG really, really liked her outfit? Then remember when all that stopped because everybody realized she in reality has a flat ass and a busted ass face and was only really relevant because her sister married her cousin? Good. Well, in 2012, she rides around in France with a guy who waves semi-automatics handguns at people while she drives. I wonder what she was wearing?!! US Magazine reports:
Pippa Middleton could face jail time if prosecuted in a shocking new case involving a paparazzi photo taken in Paris on Saturday. The 27-year-old socialite and entrepreneur, sister of Duchess Kate and sister-in-law of Prince William, was in the front passenger seat of an Audi convertible in the French capital as the driver pointed a semi-automatic handgun at photographers. A witness in the gun-waving incident charged a formal complaint with Paris police; Middleton (plus her pal, fashion mogul Arthur de Soultrait, who was in the backseat of the car) will be summoned if authorities determine there is enough evidence for prosecution. “If the evidence points to [Pippa Middleton’s] involvement, she will be prosecuted,” a judicial source told Us Weekly. “Anybody involved in the illegal use of a handgun in public is liable to arrest and interrogation.” If the pistol turns out to be real, the unidentified man waving the gun faces up to seven years in prison; even if the weapon is fake, he faces two years.

Terrorists have basically occupied France already, so their extreme anti-terrorist laws seem a little late now, but if Pippa would’ve been smarter she would have done this in L.A. She could have waved the gun around in a daycare and shot every homeless person on Sunset, and at worst, the Los Angeles County Sheriff would have thrown her a parade or sentenced her to a mani/pedi.

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Ooh Pippa Why You So Hot Baby



Remember for those five or so months in 2011 when seemingly every print, online, and television magazine lost their minds and went completely apeshit over Prince William’s sister-in-law and cousin, Pippa Middleton? Specifically over her ass that was supposed to have been dropped down like manna from heaven, and they even reported that women were lining up at plastic surgeon’s offices to get her ass? Everyday you heard how stunning and beautiful she was and if she changed her tampon it was treated like breaking worldwide news? You do? Yeah, what was up with that?

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Pippa Middleton Is Single



Dear God today is boring, so here I am posting shit about Pippa Middleton. This somehow feels wrong with it being Veteran’s Day and all. Radar Online reports:
Her Royal Hotness’ is single – and ready to mingle. Yes, Pippa Middleton, the stunning younger sis of Kate Middleton, is back on the market, after breaking up with her long-term boyfriend, Alex Loudon, after a string of bad arguments. The Duchess of Cambridge has reportedly been consoling Pippa, 27, who dated the hunky Loudon, 31, for three years. “Pippa tried to get over the split by spending last weekend with Wills and Kate at [Scottish royal residence] Balmoral,” a source told UK’s The Sun. “She and Alex split briefly in the summer, but this time it’s over. They are barely speaking.”…The source added, “It was said after the wedding that Alex was jealous of Pippa flirting with Prince Harry. But the truth is, she and Harry are just [friends].”

So to recap, an almost 30 ugly chick with a giant forehead and a flat ass is single now because she may or may not have been flirting with her cousin? Oh, baby. Where do I sign up to get some of this? Do I need special stationary and a quill pen to send her an invite to “tap dat ass”? To be honest, all I really know about England is what I see in movies.

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Hey, Everyone! It’s Pippa Middleton’s Crotch!



Supposedly attractive Pippa Middleton was frontrow at the Temperley S/S 2012 Fashion Show during London’s Fashion Week this weekend where she showed off her trick of making her thighs look like a vagina. Haha, it’s her thighs. And they look like a vagina.

Note: So, um, Rosario. How you doin’?

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Can We Stop Now?



Ever since her sister stalked Prince William in college then convinced him to marry her, the media has gone apeshit over this flat assed bitch by telling you Pippa Middleton has the greatest butt in the history of everything. Even though the “ass” they’re talking about was padded at the Royal Wedding. This is her real ass. This. So, to recap: flat ass, Iron Giant’s jaw, Darkman’s lips, Caylee Anthony’s tits, receding hairline. Awww yeah, baby. You probably can’t tell, but I’m just an unbridled ball of lust right now.

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All The Middleton Chicks Are Kinda Drunk Whores

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Much like her sister, Pippa Middleton likes to get fall down drunk and show off her underwear in front of cameras. Cool. It’s also pretty cool what putting a chick in a designer bridesmaid dress will do, though. It turns a drunk chick in her bra on her knees waiting for the next guy in line into a classy and elegant symbol of the dutiful and pure Maid of Honor. Much how like when I put on my Batman footie pajamas I become a symbol of hope and strength for the people of Raleigh.

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