Phil Robertson Has A Great Plan
Phil Robertson Has A Great Plan

 

Fox News is a 24/7 news channel that runs the same continuous program called, “This Is Bad, But How Can We Make Everything Worse?”, and yesterday, Duck Dynasty guy Phil Robertson was invited on to talk. The last time we heard from old Phil, he was spending more time thinking about anal sex than gay men, but Tuesday night he was talking about ISIS. Let’s see if he applies his deep-seated Christian values  shall we?

Robertson was asked to opine on Fox News’ “Hannity” about how to combat radical Islam and anti-Christian behavior, after ISIS militants released a video showing the beheading of a second American journalist. “In this case, you either have to convert them — which I think would be next to impossible,” Robertson said. “I’m not giving up on them, but I’m just saying either convert them or kill them. One or the other.” Host Sean Hannity predicted the media would jump on that comment. “I’d much rather have a Bible study with all of them and show them the error of their ways and point them to Jesus Christ … however, if it’s a gunfight and a gunfight alone, if that’s what they’re looking for, I’m personally ready for either one,” Robertson later added.

So to recap, we must convert and kill those who are killing those who aren’t converting because our imaginary deity is better than their imaginary deity. Got it. Makes total sense if you just don’t think about it for two seconds. Remember, Christianity and Islam are “religions of peace” whose followers have so much faith that their gods will protect them, that they just bomb the fuck out of each other when they feel he might be taking too long. Jesus was born specifically to be tortured and killed, so what’s a few more lives? He died, why can’t you? So let’s just send more Americans over there to be killed so we can prove once and for all  Jesus has the biggest cock instead of realizing that religion, unlike faith, is archaic, barbaric, divisive, exacting, and solely responsible for nearly every atrocity the world has seen. Oh no, that’s right, it’s not religion. It’s Satan. Religion is just killing people before he does, I guess?  Militant Muslims behead people on video and fly airplanes into buildings, Christianity wipes out 6 million people then has the fucking balls to force people to prove their humanity. Unlike your pastor, you don’t have to give me money for me to like you, so I’ll fill you in on something. You know that the prison you’re locked in with the steeple or dome on top? Yeah, that one. Did you know the doors are like totally unlocked and you can just walk out and never come back? They won’t even chase after you! How cool is that?! Run outside, go to the woods or a park, then look up. Then look inside yourself. You’ll find what you’ve been searching for there.

 

 

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Phil Robertson Still Hates Gay People
Phil Robertson Still Hates Gay People

 

You all know the story, Phil Robertson, a hillbilly who lives in a swamp hates gay people because Jesus (but he's cool with pedophilia), so he got suspended from A&E for a quick minute. He didn't have to die to become a martyr, because Christians claimed he was being crucified for "expressing his beliefs" because using the Bible to justify your hate is something that all god-fearing Christians take very seriously, Especialy when it comes to the gays. So imagine my shock and complete surprise when I found out that he's still doing it.

They were mad at me. … because instead of acknowledging their sin, like you had better do, they rail against me for giving ‘em their truth about their sin. Don’t deceive yourselves. You want the verse? The news media didn’t even know it was a verse. They thought I was just mouthing off. Is homosexual behavior a sin? …. Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Don’t be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, neither the idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor greedy, nor drunkards, not slanderers, not swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.

Okay, for the sake of argument, let's say that sin is a real thing. Sin is a real thing, because your god is a shitty scientist and a sadist, and instead of correcting his mistake, he made us all defective because of two people in a garden, and when genocide by flood didn't work, he had his son tortured and brutally murdered so he could prove to you how much he loves humans. And now that his kid is dead, you either have to believe that actually happened no questions asked and live in constant fear of fucking up, because if you do, you'll suffer and burn forever in hell, because your god is a loving god.  Got it. Okay, sin is a real thing, so it would make sense that Christians understand that we are all imperfect creatures and that sin is inherent from the moment that they are born until the day they die regardless if they accept Jesus into their self-rigteoeus hearts as some sort one-time Clorox wipe that will save them from whatever horrible shit they do afterwards (Matthew 7:23). So that being the case, do Christians normally go around judging people who sin differently than them, or are they specifically stuck on the homosexual thing? Because they reeaalllyy seem to be overly concerned about dudes banging each other. Gay people don't think about gay sex this much. I'm seeing a lot of tearing of the garments over buttfucking, but not a lot about churches actively blessing troops so they can kill some brown guys or why Sunday morning is the most segregated time in the United States despite all of us supposedly being "all God's children". Let's maybe fix that first, before we assume two men or women who love each other are going bring the downfall of America. Not sure if you know this or not, but the people who have bought and paid for the candidates you rush to the polls to support are doing a pretty good job of that already.

 

 

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Phil Robertson Says Men Should Marry 15 Year Old Girls Who Can Cook

 

If you are on the fence about whether Phil Robertson is the new Rosa Parks or just another backwoods hillbilly who misinterprets the Bible to give his ignorance and pedophilia a sense of moral superiority, here's a video from 2009 where Robertson tells a crowd at the Georgia Sportsmen's Ministry event to only marry 15 year old girls who can cook and carry a Bible. Why? Because you can control them better. Duh.

"Look, you wait 'til they get to be 20 years old, the only picking that's going to take place is your pocket. "You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They'll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that, of course."…"Make sure that she can cook a meal"… "make sure she carries her Bible. That'll save you a lot of trouble down the road."

And because he's a man of Jesus, Phil Robertson starting dating his wife when he was 18. She was 14. They got married two years later. When she was 16. So to recap, homosexual sex?  Disgusting ungodly sin which will damn your soul to eternal burning hell. Statutory rape and marrying a 16-year old girl? Just wise Christian thinkin'. Hope that clears everything up, you heathens.

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