Paula Abdul Wanted To Bang Simon Cowell, Got Shot Down

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This seems like news, but in the back of you’re mind you probably already knew it happened. Sort of like when Sarah Jessica Parker reveals she’s really been dead for ten years. Us Magazine reports:

“I mean, the truth was, on the first two seasons, we couldn’t travel on the same plane together. We really disliked each other that much,” Cowell told Walters, arguing that they clashed due to “sexual tension…on her part.” Asked by Walters if Cowell thought Abdul, 49, wanted a relationship with the reality mogul, the acerbic Brit replied “a million percent.” “I considered it, but then I thought, ‘I don’t think the after would be as good as the before.’ I’d let her stay for a few hours, but then it would have to be goodnight,” he joked.

The after is never as good as the before, especially when the chick is clinically insane. Like Paula Abdul. She just seems like she’d give me a season tickets to Panthers’ games tucked inside a case of microbrew just to warm me up so she could casually introduce the idea of a bear trap on my dick during sex.

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Paula Abdul Has a Dead Stalker

Oh God, somebody get rid of all the belts and sharp objects and prepare for a meltdown of epic proportions, a dead body was found outside Paula Abdul’s house. TMZ reports:

“A body was found in a car a few houses down from Paula Abdul’s home, and there are reports the victim was a “big fan” of the “Idol” judge. The body was discovered last night in a car. Cops tell us it may have been a drug overdose/suicide…An LAPD spokesperson said the parents of the victim believe their daughter was a “big fan” of Paula’s. Whether this has anything to do with the victim’s death is unclear, but it seems more than a coincidence her body was found just yards from Paula’s home.”

Seriously, make sure you get rid of all the extension cords, too. The dead body was Abdul’s stalker, Paula Goodspeed, a failed contestant on American Idol. TMZ says:

“We’ve learned the identity of the dead woman, Paula Goodspeed, who appeared on Season 5 in 2006. During her audition she said she’s an artist and the first pic she ever drew was of Paula Abdul. “Idol” produced a 3 minute and 40 second featurette on Goodspeed and her passion for Paula. She did not make the cut, after Ryan Seacrest proclaimed, “And the love affair is over.”

Update: This is the second time that psycho overdosed outside Paula Abdul’s house. (Via: TMZ)

Update 2: Click here for Paula Goodspeed’s MySpace and click here to read the blog she wrote about her American Idol auditions.

If Paula Abdul was a Native American Chief and she saw somebody litter, that single tear would be replaced by a bottomless pit of unhinged despair and a mushroom cloud of existential crisis that could only be staved off by gallons of vodka and prescription medication she smuggled from South America because her regular doctor cut her off. So, you know, the fact that the corpse outside wanted her autograph should be real fun. I fully expect her life coach to fit her for a diaper at some point later this week.

Photos: Splash; TMZ

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Paula Abdul is High

Paula Abdul has been a judge on American Idol for like 7 years now, so you can see how easy it would be for her to show up one day and absolutely have no idea what the hell she’s doing. Like last night, when she told Jason Castro she didn’t like his second song, when in reality, Jason Castro didn’t even sing a second song. Paula must have gotten that confused. Mostly because instead of watching people sing, she was watching the grandfatherly dragon read bedtime stories to poor Hispanic kids by a giant oak tree. That or whatever other hallucination you might have when you dump a Vicodin bottle in your vodka, you drunk bitch.

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Paula Abdul is a Natural Talent

Once in a lifetime an artist gives a performance that transcends all understanding of what art should be. And Paula Abdul’s taped performance of her new song, “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow,” during last night’s Super Bowl pre-game show is one of those times. Was it the raw power of her lip-synching? Was it the choreography from the 1991 Club MTV instructional video? Who knows just what the history books will say!!

Note: Let “The Countdown To Paula Abdul’s Psychotic Breakdown When This Gets Mercilessly Ridiculed Clock” start…

Random famous people at the Super Bowl:

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Paula Abdul is Nuts

Psychotic breakdowns make for good television, so it’s weird that Paula Abdul’s new reality show isn’t a hit. Page Six reports:

Paula Abdul is always running late, as seen on her Bravo show, “Hey Paula” – but woe to her assistants if they don’t get their jobs done on time. A spy says, “There’s a salon chair in her house where she gets her hair and makeup done every day. She’ll sit in it, set an alarm, and then, because she’s on so many painkillers, pass out while her hair and makeup guy gets her ready for the day. When the alarm goes off she’ll wake up, and God forbid the poor guy isn’t done yet. All hell breaks loose.”

All you need to know about this trainwreck you can find on her dumb show, where she’s routinely saying asinine shit like, “People need to start treating me like the gift that I am.” That usually happens when she’s mildly inconvenienced in some way, which usually ends up with her suffering a complete meltdown. In fact, it’s so bad that most scientists agree that any person born within a certain radius of Paula Abdul will more than likely be diagnosed with Chernobyl heart.

Paula in L.A. a few days ago:

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Paula Abdul is Whining

Page Six has procured an audio tape of a conference call that stars a crying Paula Abdul talking to a group of publicists, trashing her former publicist, Howard Bragman and having a meltdown over how she feels she is being treated. Here are some excerpts from the transcript:

I’ve never been treated this way and I’ve never seen anybody treated this way. This is just too much to stomach. I’ve been going through tremendous amounts of a difficult time…I do a call-in every week for OK! Magazine on ‘American Idol.’ Because of my brilliant job, they want to do a cover on me. I’m being told by Howard Bragman that I’m too old and no one will ever want to do a cover..I’m being tested. All I’ve ever wanted in my life is to be treated fairly and be treated with kindness. And I’ve never in my entire career been treated this way…Howard Bragman on Monday – he did some disgusting behavior. I had to go to Jimmy Kimmel with no publicist there. I go on with no publicist there and I pay this man…I don’t understand how this man can call me a whining bitch. I’ve never in my life been called a whining bitch and a loser.”

Wow, that’s some pretty tough words from a woman whose career highlights include singing with a homeless cartoon cat and dancing at halftime. Truth is, Paula Abdul is a drunk mess who is also reportedly addicted painkillers because of her chronic back pain. If American Idol didn’t exist, she’d be showing off her fresh dance moves to the middle-aged chicks in her class at the YMCA.

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