Paris Hilton Loves America, Links

The wind took Elizabeth Olsen‘s skirt  (NSFWTaxi Driver Movie

Jessica Alba doing yoga  DrunkenStepfather

Candice Swanepoel in a bikini  The Superficial

Emma Roberts forgot her bra  The Nip Slip

Natalie Morris is perfection  Hollywood Tuna

Chelsea Handler is topless again  Dlisted

Eva Longoria in a bikini Celebslam

Bella Thorne is patriotic Moe Jackson

Amy Schumer is giving a lap dance for charity The Frisky

GOOD LAWD JESUS COED Magazine

75 girls celebratin’ Murica The Chive

Kylie Jenner in these jeans  Popoholic

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Paris Hilton Is Still Doing Things

You’d think Paris Hilton would get a residual check every time an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs since Kim was her lapdog before she took a load in the mouth on camera per her mother’s instructions, but Paris got rich and famous the American way: she was born. Anyway, here’s a bunch of pics of Paris at an event in a dress that Kim might be able to get over one leg. Maybe. And only if part of her leg was amputated. 

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Paris Hilton Is Really Trying, You Guys
Paris Hilton Is Really Trying, You Guys

I mean, we all understand that Paris Hilton is completely useless other than helping Valtrex keep it’s market share, but her tits have been on point lately, and based on her sex tape, she gives pretty decent head. And isn’t that we all want from the one chick who’ll come over to watch a movie every time we text her? You know who you are.

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Paris Hilton Looks Like This Now

They say time heals all wounds except herpes (and let’s not forget Paris Hilton has herpes), but if I was about two bottles of red wine in, I’d probably take my chances if she kept the dress on. Anyway, Miley Cyrus made out with Paris Hilton this weekend, but it was more of what regular chicks do at 3am at the bar when they aren’t getting enough attention. Unlike, Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss. Their love is true and real oh god plz let be real.

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I Missed Some Halloween Pics: Instagram Edition

Halloween was Friday. Whatever. Here’s some pics of celebrities dressing up I got off Instagram. To be honest, the only one I actually looked at was the one of Ariana Grande‘s butt. Because I really enjoy her butt a great deal. My tongue just said so.

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Basic Halloween

It’s that time of year, my friends. Females the world over will using a holiday created to remember dead people as an excuse to unleash their inner sluts by adding the word “sexy” in front of a profession so they can go get shitfaced. Good times, good times. The banner pic is Maria Menounos‘ ass in camouflage, and I added some more people who you may or may not care about, but I mean, I’m just kinda biding my time until Heidi Klum’s costume destroys every idea you had or some privileged white girl goes outside in blackface.

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Hey, Remember Paris Hilton?
Hey, Remember Paris Hilton?

Remember when Kim Kardashian was basically another one of Paris Hilton accessories? Good times, good times. And remember when all of you would hit it, even though you say you never said that now? Good times, good times. Well, apparently her herpes medication is being taken regularly, because here she is “#Killingit on set today” at some photoshoot. A photoshoot for what I’m really not sure. Maybe something about squat awareness.

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I Think This Is Some Kind Of Health Code Violation
I Think This Is Some Kind Of Health Code Violation

If Carl’s Jr. is using Paris Hilton to visually remind everyone that the internal temperature of their Texas BBQ Burger should be hotter than the heat radiating from her STDs, then I can understand this commercial. If not, then why would you ever move the camera off Hannah Ferguson? I could fill up like 20 SD cards of her just trying to find her keys. And she’s in a bikini in this. With a water hose. I mean, I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, but the only way Paris Hilton and Hannah Ferguson should be in the same room together is is Hannah needed a prescription refilled.

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Paris Hilton Did Miley Cyrus For Halloween

Of course "Miley Cyrus at the VMAs" was going to be the most unoriginal costume for chicks this year besides Slutty [Insert Occupation/Animal/Disney Princess], so who better to let you know how ridiculous you look than Paris Hilton. The only requirements for the costume is to have a flat ass and be an attention whore, so Paris pretty much nailed it.

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Paris Hilton Is Still Trying To Make The Music Thing Happen

 

As it turns out, Snoop singing about Hot Pockets isn't the worst thing you'll hear to today because Paris Hilton has a new song called "Good Time". I assume the title is ironic. Her right still looks like she had a stroke, but she does ask the singular existential question that has haunted man since the dawn of time: "Are you having a good time?" What defines "a good time"? It something we should ask ourselves. All her friends are there and she's emotionally invested in you having a good time. She's also "tipsy" but she's taking her time to check in to make sure you're having a good time. Then Lil' Wayne comes over to let you know he had sex with Paris Hilton, because you should know that if you truly want to have a good time. There also seems to be a sense of urgency because "it's the last day to party". What happens tomorrow if we can no longer party? Life has no instrinsic vaule and parties are abstractly contrived to give our existence meaning? What does it mean to party? Is this party a metaphor for life itself? Let's all take a moment today to reflect on these questions that Paris has LOL JK this song and video are dumb.

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