Who Cares

Jason Moore, Paris Hilton’s former manager, is shopping a tell all book which is expected to include a lot of “behind the scenes drama”. Yawn. NYDN reports:

It’s being pitched as a business book about how Moore molded “this blond piece of clay into a global icon” with a reality TV franchise and fashion and beauty lines. But editors are also expecting Moore, who says he didn’t sign a confidentiality agreement, to dish on behind-the-scenes drama. “Jason will demonstrate how, for 10 years, he managed to save his mercurial client from disgrace by manipulating the media, and Paris herself,” according to a pitch letter making the rounds. “Paris was oftentimes her own worst enemy, making a sex tape with a former boyfriend, nursing hangovers during photo shoots, falling asleep everywhere, and getting thrown in jail for numerous driving violations. If Paris Hilton didn’t have Jason Moore pulling the strings, cleaning up her messes … she could well have faded into oblivion.” Moore, who’ll call his memoir “Controlling Chaos,” says the girl unkindly branded a “celebutard” was more than willing. “[She] spent hours at a time posing in front of the mirror, nailing down the ideal position to create the perfect paparazzi photo.” Her hope, he says, was to become “the kind of character … that would land commercials, international endorsements, film and television roles.” He winkingly adds, “… and the man (or maybe even the girl) of her dreams.” Moore, described in the proposal as Hilton’s “Wizard of Oz-like manager,” will also talk about the temptations he saw – “the all-night partying; easy access to women and drugs.”

Really? A tell all book about Paris Hilton? That’s your big plan? I hate to break this to you, man, but there’s really not much to tell. I think Jenny already beat you to it. Unless you can tell me that Paris has Osama Bin Laden’s cell number or the skins of dead children in her attic, I’m not really sure what you can surprise us with at this point.

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Paris Hilton is Jealous of Kim Kardashian

Please keep in mind that Paris Hilton has herpes, a saggy eye, comically oversized feet, and looks like Big Bird if Big Bird had a bombed out vagina, so imagine what she would say if a radio station asked her if she would rather have Jessica Simpson’s rack or Kim Kardashian’s ass. Surprise! She said:

On Kim Kardashian’s ass:
“I would not want that, that’s gross. It’s disgusting.”…”It reminds me of cottage cheese inside of a big trash bag.”

On Jessica Simpson’s breasts:
“I like how mine are. I don’t like big boobs, I think they’re too… big.”

Man, I wonder what kind of frame Paris has for her magic mirror. It’s gorgeous, I bet.

Audio clip via Extra

Paris Hilton’s saggy, out of shape butt flaps:

Paris Hilton’s flat chest:

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Paris Hilton is Unholy, Dumb

This weekend Paris Hilton was seen at several spots around L.A. with a Buddhist monk. The pair were photographed discussing literature in a spiritual bookshop, and at one point, Paris gave away a piece of diamond jewelry at the request of the monk; leading many to believe that Paris was finally trying to shed her party-girl image. But the burning question still remains, who is this enlightened savior? Does he come from a mystical far away land? Um, no TMZ reports:

Her “Guru” that has supposedly changed her life is actually a Hollywood actor. His name is Maxie Santillan. He’s starred in tons of films and TV shows including “My Name is Earl” and “Pirates of the Caribbean.” According to IMDB, Maxie’s latest projects are all in “post production”…”

His MySpace he says, “My looks use to get me in trouble… and now my looks are making me money.” Be careful ladies, this one might steal your money and your heart!

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Paris Hilton Doesn’t Kiss Girls

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Despite reports that Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert were “all over each other” at New York City’s Tenjune on Tuesday night, a rep for Paris says it never happened. OK! says

It’s false,” a rep for the Simple Life star tells OK!. “Elisha and Paris are good friends and Elisha has a boyfriend. Paris doesn’t kiss girls.”…”They were talking close due to a loud restaurant,” the rep says.

“Paris is bi” stories pop up every once in a while (like her rumored sex tape with Playboy Playmate, Nicole Lenz) whenever they want you to be reminded that this skank is supposed to be some kind of sex symbol. And boy, I think it’s working. Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert? Oh baby. I can barely even wait to start masturbating to the thought of a Valtrex-scented retard going down on a chick that looks like my paperboy. Ooh yeah, like that. Work it you sexy little bitch.

By the way, here’s Paris not kissing MTV Latin America VJ, Eglantina Zingg (NSFW):

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Happy New Year!

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Whatever you do tonight, please do it safe. Don’t be like Paris Hilton and spread herpes. Don’t be like Lindsay Lohan and crash your car while you’re drunk and high. If your crotch looks like Britney’s, please close your legs.

We’ll be back on January 2nd. Until then, enjoy New Year’s Eve with Paris and Nicky Hilton. They’re “like two niggers!”

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Paris Hilton is Giving Away Her Ugly Crap

Paris Hilton says she is planning to donate a stack of her clothes and shoes because she claims she has more than she could ever wear. Oh, and she’s a whore. She says:

I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I’m going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children’s hospitals. I never wear something twice.”

Paris probably didn’t think this through, because I don’t know many orphanages that take kids skiing. Because that would be the only way they could use Paris’ gigantic shoes. Maybe it’s an orphanage for Eskimo kids. That could work. Snow shoes are pretty expensive.

These shoes suck:”

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Paris Hilton Lies to Larry King

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Due to public outcry, every major network stopped bidding for the rights to carry Paris Hilton’s “exclusive” post jail interview, so she appeared on Larry King last night for free. Where she then told Larry King that she’s never used drugs. Ever. In her life. I’m not sure if Paris is aware of that invention called the “Internet,” but all she has to do is click here to see that, yes, she likes drugs. She likes drugs a lot. And penis. If one day science discovers a way for people to get high from giving blowjobs, we can assume Paris has two wishes left.

Watch two videos of Paris Hilton doing drugs after the jump!

Paris Hilton Does Drugs
Uploaded by IDLYITWdotcom
Via Knurps.net

Paris in Amsterdam
Uploaded by IDLYITWdotcom

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Paris Hilton is Released From Jail Again

I couldn’t sleep tonight and now I know why. My body wanted to keep me awake so I could receive this really good news from TMZ:

After 23 days in jail, Paris Hilton is finally a free woman.

The heiress was released from prison shortly after midnight on Tuesday. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ that Paris has lost nearly 10 pounds during her stay and that on her way out of jail, she stopped to change clothes in a public restroom that “smells rancid.”

Sources also tell TMZ that Lynwood jail is happy to see Paris go and they hope that now things can get back to normal. Don’t we all.

Story developing …”

Why do people always refer to the Retarded Ostrich as “the heiress?” Why not “the herpes spreader” or “cum crusted saggy eyelid-girl” or “puke?” those descriptions seem to make more sense, and you don’t need to bother with that pesky “i before e, except after c” rule.

Paris Hilton Released From Jail
Uploaded by IDLYITWdotcom

Video thanks to “tiger” via email.

Update: Vidcaps courtesy of Chris, sent via email:

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Sheriff Lee Baca Got $1,000 From Paris’ Grandpa

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*Updated, see below

Radar Online is reporting Sheriff Lee Baca (the guy who let Paris out of jail) accepted a $1,000 campaign donation last year from Paris Hilton’s grandfather, William Barron Hilton. $1,000 is the maximum amount allowable under California campaign rules. Furthermore…

In office since 1998, Baca has cultivated close ties to the Hollywood community. Others who donated money to his campaign last year included Rupert Murdoch, Les Moonves, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Steven Segal, and Burt Bacharach. He was assailed last year over a claim by the Sheriff’s Department that Mel Gibson had been arrested without incident, when the star had actually spewed anti-Semitic statements after getting pulled over for drunk driving. It soon emerged that Gibson had taped a public service announcement for Baca’s relief committee.”

It only costs $1,000 to get out of jail? Now I’m angry. There I was in that cell giving up every hole to anyone I could, and all I got was that lousy pack of cigarettes and a set of dominos made out of soap. God, I’m a dumb whore. But I’m really good at dominos!

Remember these fun little videos?

Update: A piece of Sheriff Lee Baca’s b.s. news conference a few minutes ago…

Uploaded by IDLYITWdotcom

Banner photo credit: INFDaily.com

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Paris Hilton is Holy

This is how Paris Hilton spent the day yesterday:

1. Went out and bought religious and spiritual books PR people told her to buy.

2. Made sure PR people notified the paparazzi so they’d be there waiting at the book store when Paris arrived.

3. Maintained pathetically feigned attempt at “forlorn” on her face while photogs snapped away.

4. Forgot her bra on purpose to help secure that original, sinful fan base.

5. Went out again later and posed with the Ho Bib and THE trendy, enlightening text of the moment … with the same aforementioned pitiful look on her face.

Paris Hilton is so contrived, she should sell ad space on her body. She’s the Hollywood celebrity equivalent to the NASCAR cars which qualify and race, but still end up at or near dead last every time. Well, she didn’t place anywhere near the top ten, but at least Valtrex got some exposure.

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