The 85th Academy Awards Were Last Night

The 85th Academy Awards just ended because it was basically a musical, so here’s a picture of Jennifer Lawrence falling down and the list of winners (in order of winning? win? when they won? I don’t know, it’s late):

Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role: Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Original Song: “Skyfall,” Adele Adkins & Paul Epworth; Skyfall
Adapted Screenplay: Argo, Chris Terrio
Original Screenplay: Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino
Achievement in Directing: Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Motion Picture: Argo

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Brad Pitt didn’t win Best Actor for Moneyball, but I actually feel for bad for the other guys nominated in this category who didn’t win. Mostly because they didn’t get head from Angelina Jolie on the way home.

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Va Te Faire Foutre

The French finally invaded something, because if you watched the 84th Academy Awards last night, it was a veritable The Artist bukkake party as the silent movie about some prancing dipshit swept the Oscars last night. To reiterate, a SILENT MOVIE WON BEST PICTURE. Quentin Tarantino’s entire world just spun off its axis. Anyway, here’s the winners that people might care about.

Best Picture: The Artist
Best Actress: Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Best Actor: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, The Help
Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Best Original Screenplay: Midnight in Paris, Woody Allen
Best Adapted Screenplay: The Descendants, Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash

Here’s Jean Valjean ignoring Natalie Portman and molesting his award instead:

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Uh, Okay

Actors and bland white people, Anne Hathaway and James Franco, are hosting the Oscars this year, and here’s a promo for said Oscars. Apparently starring Anne Hathaway as an uncoordinated white chick with creepy tentacles for arms.

Anne Hathaway at The Twentieth Century Fox Voice Presentation of ‘Rio’ on Jan. 28th:

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The 83rd Oscar Nominations Were Announced Today

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Because everything is better with a sassy, fat black lady, the nominations for the 83rd Academy Awards were be announced this morning. Besides horses and AFC Championship games, I usually don’t have any luck picking winners, but I’LL BE GODDAMNED if I pick Social Network for Best Picture Jesse Eisenberg should be starring in commercials for Beta blockers, not movies that are nominated for awards. So, here’s a partial list and my picks in italics. Ooohh, exciting I now!

Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem in “Biutiful”
Jeff Bridges in “True Grit”
Jesse Eisenberg in “The Social Network”
Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”
James Franco in “127 Hours”

Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale in “The Fighter”
John Hawkes in “Winter’s Bone”
Jeremy Renner in “The Town”
Mark Ruffalo in “The Kids Are All Right”
Geoffrey Rush in “The King’s Speech”

Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right”
Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”
Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone”
Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”
Michelle Williams in “Blue Valentine”

Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams in “The Fighter”
Helena Bonham Carter in “The King’s Speech”
Melissa Leo in “The Fighter”
Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit”
Jacki Weaver in “Animal Kingdom”

Animated Feature Film
“How to Train Your Dragon” Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
“The Illusionist” Sylvain Chomet
“Toy Story 3” Lee Unkrich

Art Direction
“Alice in Wonderland”
Production Design: Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Karen O’Hara

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1”
Production Design: Stuart Craig; Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
Production Design: Guy Hendrix Dyas; Set Decoration: Larry Dias and Doug Mowat
“The King’s Speech”
Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Judy Farr
“True Grit”
Production Design: Jess Gonchor; Set Decoration: Nancy Haigh

“Black Swan” Matthew Libatique
“Inception” Wally Pfister
“The King’s Speech” Danny Cohen
“The Social Network” Jeff Cronenweth
“True Grit” Roger Deakins

Costume Design
“Alice in Wonderland” Colleen Atwood
“I Am Love” Antonella Cannarozzi
“The King’s Speech” Jenny Beavan
“The Tempest” Sandy Powell
“True Grit” Mary Zophres

“Black Swan” Darren Aronofsky
“The Fighter” David O. Russell
“The King’s Speech” Tom Hooper
“The Social Network” David Fincher
“True Grit” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

Documentary (Feature)
“Exit through the Gift Shop” Banksy and Jaimie D’Cruz
“Gasland” Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic
“Inside Job” Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs
“Restrepo” Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger
“Waste Land” Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley

Documentary (Short Subject)
“Killing in the Name” Nominees to be determined
“Poster Girl” Nominees to be determined
“Strangers No More” Karen Goodman and Kirk Simon
“Sun Come Up” Jennifer Redfearn and Tim Metzger
“The Warriors of Qiugang” Ruby Yang and Thomas Lennon

Film Editing
“Black Swan Andrew Weisblum
“The Fighter” Pamela Martin
“The King’s Speech” Tariq Anwar
“127 Hours” Jon Harris
“The Social Network” Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter

Foreign Language Film
“Biutiful” Mexico
“Dogtooth” Greece
“In a Better World” Denmark
“Incendies” Canada
“Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)” Algeria
“Don’t Care” Todd’s Living Room

“Barney’s Version” Adrien Morot
“The Way Back” Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
“The Wolfman” Rick Baker and Dave Elsey

Music (Original Score)
“How to Train Your Dragon” John Powell
“Inception” Hans Zimmer
“The King’s Speech” Alexandre Desplat
“127 Hours” A.R. Rahman
“The Social Network” Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

Best Picture
“Black Swan” Mike Medavoy, Brian Oliver and Scott Franklin, Producers
“The Fighter” David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman and Mark Wahlberg, Producers
“Inception” Emma Thomas and Christopher Nolan, Producers
“The Kids Are All Right” Gary Gilbert, Jeffrey Levy-Hinte and Celine Rattray, Producers
“The King’s Speech” Iain Canning, Emile Sherman and Gareth Unwin, Producers
“127 Hours” Christian Colson, Danny Boyle and John Smithson, Producers
“The Social Network” Scott Rudin, Dana Brunetti, Michael De Luca and Ceán Chaffin, Producers
“Toy Story 3” Darla K. Anderson, Producer
“True Grit” Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers
“Winter’s Bone” Anne Rosellini and Alix Madigan-Yorkin, Producers

Writing (Original Screenplay)
“Another Year” Written by Mike Leigh
“The Fighter” Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson;
Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson
“Inception” Written by Christopher Nolan
“The Kids Are All Right” Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
“The King’s Speech” Screenplay by David Seidler

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The Oscar Nominees Were Announced Today

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The nominees for the 82nd Annual Academy Awards were announced earlier this morning, and since I think everything is about me, I put my prediction in italics. The only people on this list who deserve an Oscar are Jeff Bridges and the utterly brilliant Cristoph Waltz, so my winners are what I’ve come to expect from the Academy. When a 3D remake of Pocahontas is the toast of the town, you should really consider reading some pamphlets on suicide. You know, just to consider all of your options.

Best Actress In A Supporting Role
Penelope Cruz – Nine
Vera Farmiga – Up In The Air
Maggie Gyllenhaal – Crazy Heart
Anna Kendrick – Up In The Air
Mo’nique – Precious
Todd – Don’t Care. Maybe Maggie Gyllenhall. Maybe that fat black chick. Oh, who gives a shit.

Best Actor In A Supporting Role
Matt Damon – Invictus
Woody Harrelson – The Messenger
Christopher Plummer – The Last Station
Stanley Tucci – The Lovely Bones
Cristoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds

Best Actress In A Leading Role
Sandra Bullock – The Blind Side
Helen Mirren – The Last Station
Carey Mulligan – An Education
Gabourey Sidibe – Precious
Meryl Streep – Julie & Julia

Best Actor In A Leading
Jeff Bridges – Crazy Heart
George Clooney – Up In The Air
Colin Firth – A Single Man
Morgan Freeman – Invictus
Jeremy Renner – The Hurt Locker

Best Director
James Cameron – Avatar
Kathryn Bigelow – The Hurt Locker
Quentin Tarantino – Inglourious Basterds
Lee Daniels – Precious
Jason Reitman – Up In The Air

Best Original Screenplay
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
The Messenger
A Serious Man

Best Picture
The Blind Side
District 9
An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
A Serious Man
Up in the Air

NOTE: If you didn’t like Up, you have no soul and should be thrown into a pit of fire with demon tigers, because obviously you are dead inside.

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More Oscar Stuff

Here’s the teeth-clenchingly annoying 29 year old, Katherine Heigl, looking like the 45 year old chain smoker she is. She smokes American Spirit, the only 100% organic tobacco cigarette, because I guess she thinks that inhaling natural smoke is better than other smoke. Here’s a hint: It’s smoke. I’m sure when the fireman tells you to crawl on your stomach it isn’t because of the additives.

Diablo Cody was hours away from winning the award for “Best Achievement in Pretentious Crap”, but it looks like she had the foresight to dress the part. My neighborhood could be under nuclear attack and I could still manage to pick out an outfit better than this.

Can’t we just all agree that Daniel Day-Lewis should win an Oscar every time he makes a movie? Instead of showing pictures of the other nominees for Best Actor in those little squares, they should have shown sock puppets. It would have basically been the same thing (no offense Johnny).

Perhaps the greatest mystery of the night was why Jessica Alba was invited to the Oscars. That’s like inviting a turtle to a dog show. Look, we’re glad you could make it and all, but please know that you will never go home with anything other than unrealistic expectations or a script that calls for your t-shirt to get wet on page 4.

Marion Cotillard is cute and likes to get naked on camera, so that automatically qualifies her for any acting award. This a little known fact about acting, but perky boobs can really bring out the emotional depth of a female character. *cough* Jessica Biel *cough*

Update: By request, some nude screencaps of Marion’s work. (Click thumbnails for larger NSFW images.)

I know looking like a dude is Tilda Swinton‘s thing, but would it kill her to pretend she has a vagina once in a while? Way to glam it up for the big night. I’m surprised her acceptance speech didn’t start with, “Attention people of Earth!”

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Gary Busey is Insane

I’m not even going to pretend that I know what Gary Busey was high on last night. At this point, it’s hard to know why he’s even allowed through security at these things anymore. He’s fucking crazy. If they really wanted him to attend they should have put him in a cage and wheeled him down the red carpet. That way he couldn’t do things like, I don’t know, barge in on interviews, ramble incoherently, and molest Jennifer Garner. You could make a strong case that this video could be submitted as Exhibit A for that. You could also make a strong case that this video could be the darkhorse favorite for “Best Achievement in Two Actresses I Was Unaware I Wanted A Threesome With Until Now”. Could they take home the gold? Find out live on ABC!

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Johnny Depp and Le Froglegeater are at the Oscars

My face is perpetually on fire and Johnny Depp is my full-time Fireman.

Reason #68 why Vanessa Paradis is jealous of me.


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