Selena Gomez Says She Never Banged Orlando Bloom
Selena Gomez Says She Never Banged Orlando Bloom

 

Selena Gomez understands that when you pull the pin on a grenade, you don’t hang around to watch it blow up, so she’s now distancing herself from this Bieber/Bloom thing. Also, “Bieber Bloom” sounds like a shitty law firm.

Selena Gomez says she’s never done the nasty with Orlando Bloom … and she has absolutely zero to do with his raging battle against her ex-BF Justin Bieber. Sources directly connected to Selena tell us … the reason she was with Orlando back in March is because their manager organized an event for his clients at We Day in Oakland. As for the widely-circulated photo of Orlando and Selena at a Chelsea Handler show in L.A. a few weeks later … it was nothing more than a smoke break. They were actually with their respective groups of friends and happened to be next to each other when the pic was snapped.

Selena seems really defensive, because the picture in question (here) looks like Selena regrets letting Orlando talk her into anal and letting him wait with her while her Uber driver tries to find an alternate route through traffic. “Your driver will arrive in 4 mins”?! You said that 5 mins ago!

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Justin Bieber Is A Little Bitch

 

It looks like this Justin Bieber/Orlando Bloom “feud” isn’t going away any time soon, because a day after his bodyguards blocked Bloom’s punch then safely escorted Bieber out of the club and tucked him into his race car bed, he posted this picture on Instagram. That’s what bitches do. Post shit and troll people on social media then do…not much else, because well, they don’t have much else to do. I bet Orlando Bloom has some cool pics he’s been waiting to post. Can’t wait to see them!

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Orlando Bloom Swung On Justin Bieber

 

Besides being tunnel brothers, Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are not related. So this is just two bitches fighting over two other bitches. For the lack of a better phrase: Ain’t nobody got time for that.

New video shows what went down inside the restaurant. You can see Bloom deliver a right hand shove to Bieber’s face, though Bieber’s bodyguard appears to deflect the brunt of the blow. Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber early Wednesday morning in Ibiza … and Justin fled the restaurant — this according to 2 eyewitnesses. The eyewitnesses tell TMZ … Orlando was in Cipriani restaurant which was packed with celebs, including Paris Hilton, and Diddy. You don’t see Orlando swing, but the eyewitnesses tell us that’s exactly what happened. We’re told Justin ducked the punch. That’s where the video starts and you hear Justin scream, “What’s up bitch?” We’re told when Bieber left the crowd applauded. The backstory is almost legendary … Justin partied with Orlando’s then-wife Miranda Kerr after a 2012 Victoria’s Secret fashion show in NYC and they got very VERY close. And in April of this year, Orlando was hanging out with Justin’s on-and-off GF Selena Gomez. So the bad blood is flowing.

I don’t even know how Bloom got close enough to Bieber to get a punch(?) off, because Bieber can’t even try to put a straw in a juice box without his bodyguards stomping on it, but we should all just take the time to salute the real hero this story: the crowd. The only issue is that they didn’t wrap him in the Canadian flag and set him on fire. Canadians are well-known for hating us for our freedom.

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Selena Gomez Is Doing The Same Thing To Orlando Bloom Now
Selena Gomez Is Doing The Same Thing To Orlando Bloom Now

 

Continuing in her phase of banging efeminate white dudes, Selena Gomez is now reportedly banging Orlando Bloom. Sources say Justin Bieber is so mad he threw his Barbie Princess Unicorn against the wall. Every princess needs the perfect pet, and what could be more perfect than the enchanting unicorn? Barbie Princess doll's unicorn has a gorgeous wavy mane that girls will want to brush and style! A glittery saddle and tiara of its own make it the perfect riding companion for Barbie princess! An enclosed brush lets girls beautify the unicorn's mane!

Justin Bieber, 20, is furious over Selena Gomez, 21, allegedly flirting with Orlando Bloom. The Biebs is used to being “king of the hill” when it comes to his lady-love’s affections, so this latest interaction between Selena, and Orlando must be a huge slap in the face to the troubled pop bad-boy.  Selena and Orlando recently participated in the We Day California conference on March 26. The 21-year-old singer gave a moving speech and later, backstage, posed with Orlando and Seth Rogen — who has been one of Justin’s biggest haters. The picture  was posted to her Instagram account, and was probably the reason for Justin’s alleged  jealous accusations. Additionally, Seth has openly expressed his disdain for the “Never Say Never” singer, which could have also triggered a reaction in Justin.

I don't know why Justin Bieber is so upset, because Orlando Bloom is the real loser in this whole thing. Because, uh, up until last year, he had his own table and an open reservation in Miranda Kerr's vagina. Now a waitress is telling him the drink specials at a Taco Mac.

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Miranda Kerr Is Dating A 46-Year Old Billionaire

Is Orlando Bloom a very handsome man? Yes. Was Miranda Kerr convinced that, combined with her genes, Orlando Bloom would a produce an aesthetically pleasing child? Yes. Is Orlando Bloom a nice guy who genuinely seems to love his family? Yes. Does Orlando Bloom have all that Legolas money? Yes.  But please keep in mind, Orlando Bloom is not a billionaire. And nothing makes a chick tsunami off her seat like the letter "B" in front of "illionaire". So naturally, Miranda Kerr has been secretly dating 46-year old Australian billionaire James Packer for months. And if you're wondering what you have to look like to pull Victoria's Secret ass if you have a billion dollars. THIS. You have to look like this. Vogue Australia reports:

After announcing her split from Orlando Bloom just a few months ago, Miranda Kerr (and April Vogue cover model) is said to be in a relationship with James Packer. Packer, in turn, had earlier announced his own divorce from Vogue's November cover model Erica Packer; interestingly, Erica Packer and Kerr also both hail from the same town of Gunnedah (look at that six degrees of separation right there). Neither Kerr nor Packer have denied the reports after being approached a week ago. It is said that the pair have been in a secret relationship for the past few months. Kerr and Packer have known each other for several years, often holidaying together with their respective families and Packer has been said to have provided business advice to Kerr on her beauty brand, Kora.

So to recap, Miranda Kerr was happily married to Orlando Bloom until her billionaire friend divorced his wife, then she was no longer hapilly married to Orlando Bloom. This has to be some sort of coincidence, and not a long-term and calculated plan by Miranda Kerr to dive in a swimming pool of money. Nope. This is definitely true love. Of money. True love of money.

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Thank You, Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney is proof that as long as you put in a few years with a popular boy band, you can then spend the next four decades making average-to-terrible music and still have enough clout in the entertainment industry to get A-list actors like Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman to star in your latest music video. Then you can have a big premiere of that video where half of Hollywood turns out. But I do have to give the cute Beatle some credit, he managed to get Miranda Kerr to change out of workout clothes for the first time in weeks. So thanks for that, Paul.

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Miranda Kerr Spit Out Her Kid



It’s a boy. And he’ll be trying the rest of his life to find a hotter vagina that the one he just came out of. Sorry, dude. Us Magazine reports:
Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom welcomed their first child — a son — in L.A. on Thursday, X17 reports. After dating for nearly three years, the Victoria’s Secret model, 27, and Pirates of the Caribbean actor, 33, secretly wed in early July.

I realize Orlando Bloom is supposed to be the father, but don’t surprised when you see the first pics of this baby that he’s brown with his dick wrapped around his leg. Why do I say this you ask? Oh, no reason (*).


(*)= I banged her.

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Miranda Kerr Got Married




I guess since she thought I would show up, Miranda Kerr secretly married her longtime boyfriend, British actor and prissy gaywad, Orlando Bloom this weekend. The were engaged last month. Whatever, I’ve fucked wives before. Popeater reports:
In a statement released early Friday morning in Australia (Thursday evening in the eastern United States), the David Jones retail chain said Kerr would not be participating as its “fashion ambassador” in an expected summer fashion launch next week because she would be on her honeymoon. Kerr was quoted as saying: ”We have been trying to plan this for some time and unfortunately the only window of opportunity for our honeymoon fell at the same time as the David Jones fashion launch. David Jones very graciously released me during this period so we could celebrate an intimate ceremony and honeymoon together.”

No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. Orlando Bloom is on his honeymoon with a Victoria’s Secret model. I just scratched off three sailboats in a row. Me and Orlando, just livin’ the dream!

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Miranda Kerr Is Engaged



Miranda Kerr’s brother probably shouldn’t join the mob. OK! reports:
ORLANDO Bloom is engaged to his model girlfriend Miranda Kerr after finally popping the question during a holiday in Morocco. Pirates of the Caribbean star Orlando Bloom and Victoria’s Secrets model Miranda Kerr are engaged after dating for nearly three years. Miranda’s brother confirmed the news, saying: “He’s finally done it. Orlando has proposed. They’re getting married.” The pair, who have been denying rumours of wedding bells for months, are reportedly planning to tie the knot next summer, although a date has not yet been confirmed.

I have no idea why it took this dude so long to propose. It’s Miranda Kerr for chrissakes. You’d have to give her snakes for hair and hooks for hands to make her slightly unattractive, so I guess I’m not understanding what Bloom’s problem is. If I banged Miranda Kerr once, I’d cut my penis off and put it on a satin pillow while I was in a parade riding on that thing Xerses had.

IT’S A MIRANDA KERR PICTURE BONANZA!!!

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Orlando Bloom is Smart, Kinda Dumb



Although the POTC franchise has made over $2.6B worldwide, Orlando Bloom has turned down a chance to reprise his role of Will Turner in the upcoming fourth installment of the franchise. Why? He has a good reason. The Daily Mail reports:
Actor Orlando Bloom has ruled himself out of another episode of high-jinks on the high seas for successful film franchise Pirates Of The Caribbean. Primarily because the romantic star did not want to leave stunning girlfriend Miranda Kerr. A source told the New of the World: ‘Orlando loved the films but thinks it’s time to bow out because they tied up nicely for his character Will Turner. ‘The producers are OK with that because they want to concentrate on the new adventures of Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow.’ It was recently reported that Bloom and Kerr had been looking at buying a $13 million Malibu home together. The couple looked so in love and so relaxed,’ a source told X17 Online. ‘They seem so happy together – a perfect match. You could see Miranda getting all dreamy-eyed when they looked at this house.

They seem so in love, you know, except for the part where he’s basically forcing her to marry him:

There are also rumours that the pair plan to wed, with Bloom having given his other half an ultimatum. She has already twice turned down his marriage proposals, but he plans to ask her again this summer. A source told the Mail on Sunday earlier this month: ‘He has told her he wants to marry her and will propose again this summer. If she says no, he’s said it will be over.’

So to reiterate, she says she in love with him, he’s asked her to marry him twice, she’s said no twice, so now he’s giving her an ultimatum. Yeah, that’ll work. There’s nothing a girl loves more than being forced to make a decision. That’s why I’ll probably never get married. Look, Marisa Miller, you’re hot and all, but what does everything have to be about you??

Miranda Kerr at the ESPYs. God. Damn.:

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