Oprah Is Putting In A Bid To Buy The Los Angeles Clippers
Oprah Is Putting In A Bid To Buy The Los Angeles Clippers

 

In what might be the greatest form of poetic justice we see this year, a wealthy black woman might be the next majority owner of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Billionaires, entertainers and athletes alike announced their intentions to pursue the Clippers with varying degrees of seriousness Wednesday, proving the longtime losers will be quite a prize if the NBA is able to wrest control of the team away from Sterling after his lifetime ban for racist remarks. Winfrey led the list, and the media mogul is already bringing in her friends. "Oprah Winfrey is in discussions with David Geffen and Larry Ellison to make a bid for the Los Angeles Clippers should the team become available," spokesperson Nicole Nichols confirmed in an email.

Donald Sterling is rich, but he ain't got Oprah money. Sterling will probably try to tie this up in court until he's dead, so we might have to wait until 2016, but then we'll also have to deal with the fact that, according to California law, Donald Sterling's wife owns half the team. And she ain't giving up shit. Unless their heads on pikes are some of Oprah's favorite things for summer.

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Lindsay Lohan’s New Reality Show Also Has A Trailer

 

"Find out more about Lindsay, a highly-anticipated docu-series that offers an unflinching look into the life of one of the world's most sought-after celebrities." Hahaha, settle down, YouTube. Settle down. Because, no. Oprah Winfrey has Oprah Winfrey money, so she can waste it on whatever this "reality" show is supposed to be. According to the trailer, Lindsay Lohan is a bi-polar lunatic who can only survive on drama and attention. Not exactly sure what new information we're supposed to learn here. They could have saved a lot money by just asking me.

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Oprah Looks Great



A hero to unfulfilled housewives and gays for the last 25 years, Oprah celebrated her reign of talking over people in interviews and regifting lavish swag that advertisers unloaded at her back door by taping her final show at the United Center in Chicago to a crowd of 20,000. Then, I don’t know, she drank a virgin’s blood? How am I supposed to know? I wasn’t there. Jesus, what’s with all the questions? What are you, a cop?

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Oprah Was A Teenage Prostitute

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Vagina is apparently not part of Oprah’s Big Giveaway. National Enquirer reports:

What OPRAH WINFREY wishes would remain secret forever! Exclusive Enquirer in-depth investigation into the shocking claims the talk show
queen led a secret life as a teen-age prostitute
. Desperate to hush up the incredible hooker allegations, Oprah is digging into her billion-dollar fortune to pay off friends and family to keep quiet…Insiders say Oprah, 56, has repeatedly lied about her sexually active teen years and her “hard luck” childhood – and now her flagrant fibs are set to blow up in her face! “Oprah is reeling at the thought that her dirtiest secrets might soon be acted out night after night on TV,” said a source. “She is marshalling all her influence and vast fortune to prevent any of the allegations from leaking out.” For years Oprah has claimed that while living with her mother in Milwaukee, she got pregnant at age 14 after being sexually abused by a relative. But during our investigation in Milwaukee interviewing sources, The ENQUIRER has uncovered the incredible charges about Oprah’s time there: She took money from much older men for sexual favors, and one of those men could be the father of her child! “Oprah ‘dated’ men – as she called it – but she was actually having sex in exchange for money. She was a prostitute – period,” a family insider told The ENQUIRER. “While her mother Vernita Lee was at work, Oprah brought men home for sex.’

PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. Open to legal male residents of the 50 United States & D.C., age 40 or older. The Oprah Show Summer Vagina Giveaway begins 9:00 AM (CT) on 6/1/65 and ends at 8:59 AM (CT) on 8/29/68 & consists of a Daily Sweepstakes, a Weekly Sweepstakes, an Instant Win & a Grand Prize Sweepstakes. Void where prohibited or when mother is home. Subject to Official Rules, available at www.oprah.com. Sponsor: Harpo Productions, Inc. Thanks for Playing The Oprah Show Summer Vagina Giveaway!

Who wrote the book of love? Velvet. It’s as simple as that!

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Oprah Is Next



Oprah Winfrey recently had a show about domestic violence which she dedicated to “all the Rihannas of the world”. That made Chris Brown angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. MSNBC reports:

In the new issue of People magazine, Chris Brown says he felt like Oprah Winfrey’s show about domestic violence, which was dedicated to “all the Rihannas of the world,” and aired after he assaulted ex-girlfriend Rihanna, was a “slap in the face.” “I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face,” Brown told People. “I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could’ve been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I’m going to help both of these people out.’” Brown might come to regret speaking out on the issue. “He’s done,” said one well-placed source with direct connections to some of Brown’s endorsement opportunities. “Whatever goodwill he had, he’s totally ruined it by saying that. What was he thinking? And who the hell goes up against Oprah? It just shows he doesn’t think. No one is going to want him as the face of their brand.”

“A slap in the face”? Hey Chris, did you mean that in the figurative sense or did you mean the kind of slaps Rihanna got that were detailed in the police report? You can see how we might be a little confused. But you might want to be careful though. You just talked shit about Oprah. She might not let you back on her show or she might send robot ninja assassins to your house. You won’t know they’re robot ninja assassins of course. The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything.

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Jennifer Aniston Hates Oprah, Might Need Meds



Jennifer Aniston is worshiped by bitter single women everywhere, and she owes most of that to Oprah Winfrey, who in 2005, dedicated a whole show for Aniston’s pity party. But it’s 2009 now. A lot has changed since then. Namely, Aniston being a psycho.

Aniston, 40, is said to be furious that Winfrey has no intention of seeing the puppy love flick, which also stars Owen Wilson. A source tells America’s National Enquirer magazine, “To this day, Oprah has flat out refused to see the movie – even though she did screen it for her studio audience and producers when Jennifer taped a recent appearance on her show. “Oprah lost one of her dogs last year and she says the last thing she wants to do is watch a movie about a tender relationship between a pooch and its owner. “But to Jennifer this amounts to a cold-hearted rejection and she feels pretty bitter about the whole thing. It’s made her really question their relationship.” The source continues, “Oprah is kind of a superstitious person and tends to break out in tears at the drop of a hat when she’s reminded of something that makes her emotionally vulnerable. “Because she was so freaked out about losing her own dog a year ago, she said it would have been bad luck and bad karma to indulge in watching Marley & Me, which revolves around a couple’s relationship with a dog. “She knows how the story ends and the wounds from losing her own dog were still pretty fresh. “Jennifer has said that it was totally irresponsible of Oprah to just skip seeing the film altogether. It’s really hurt her feelings. “She doesn’t buy Oprah’s excuse about her dog’s death. As far as she’s concerned, it’s a cold-hearted snub and a declaration of war.

Most of you (women) probably won’t believe this, and I’m not even sure I do either, but how many “Jennifer Aniston is a needy self-centered bitch” stories do you have to hear to finally come to the realization that Jennifer Aniston is a needy self-centered bitch? Brad Pitt has six kids and luxurious mansions all over the world with Angelina Jolie, yet Aniston talks about him in interviews like he just needs space. Oprah Winfrey refuses to watch her movie and she sticks in a Tori Amos CD and a garden hose in her tailpipe. Jesus, I’d be afraid to say no to this chick. Like she’d ask me to help her move and I’d say, “I would but I have to work”, and then I’d hang up and she would hire a voodoo priestess to kill my dog and turn my parents into zombies for hurting her feelings.

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Don’t Worry, Queen Oprah is Fine



Wildfires are burning the crap out of Santa Barbara and Montecito, California right now. Places like homes, school dorms, and monasteries are toast, but never you fear, your favorite celebrity homes are still intact. Why? They have their own private little fire departments to protect their estates. Are they sharing their precious water with their peasant neighbors? Click the pictures below for your answer.

I’m convinced Oprah is that guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the guy who guarded the Bridge of Death. If you try to cross the Montecito bridge and don’t answer these questions three correctly, Oprah sets fire to you and casts you into the canyon of doom.

Answer key: YES, Oprah is God, NO, Oprah is not a lesbian, YES, Oprah is God.

Photos: Splash

Edit: Thanks to those of you who reminded me goat horns guy wasn’t the bridgekeeper. I am so very ashamed.

Dear Rob Lowe…
Update: Rob Lowe, please stop using this to get people to pay attention to you. Montecito residents tried to keep their landscape open and pretty until celebs like you moved there and ruined it with your big ugly walls. You make a spectacle of yourself all the time. I’ve dealt with you. I want to love you because you were funny in Tommy Boy, so I’m going to try to keep loving you for that, and forget you acting like an ass all the other times. You scored some prime real estate, so please help the hippies who put up with you all these years. I’ll still keep jilling off to you in St. Elmo’s, because you looked like John Taylor in The Reflex video, and … oh my God it’s hot in here. Somebody open a window and get me a paper bag. *pant pant*

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Heidi Klum Loves Seal’s Package



On Thursday’s airing of Oprah, Heidi Klum will discuss how she took one look at Seal’s pants and fell in love. People reports:

I met him in a hotel lobby in New York City and he came in just from the gym and I was sitting there and I was, like, wow,” Klum tells Oprah Winfrey on her show’s Superstar Couples episode set to air Thursday. Wow, as in Seal was wearing bicycle shorts. “And I pretty much saw everything,” says Klum. “The whole package.”

Awesome. Seal and I only wear our bicycle shorts when we’re really trying to impress, so maybe this will work on Adriana Lima. She’s a virgin, so I may not want to scare her at first. My grandma thinks my Zorro costume may be just the thing to warm her heart.

Promo shots for the 2007 Victoria’s Secret fashion show:

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The Forbes Celebrity 100



Forbes Magazine has released their annual Celebrity 100, a list that ranks the world’s most powerful celebrities. Earning estimates are for June 2006 through June 2007 and include the gross dollar amount earned solely from entertainment income. Actors and old rock stars top the list this year, and most athletes have fallen. The best part: Paris, Britney, Nicole, and Lindsay are nowhere to be found. Forbes reports:

It was a year of conquest in Hollywood. The worldwide box office soared to a record $25.8 billion, buoyed by global blockbusters like Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and Sony’s Da Vinci Code. Madonna reclaimed her title as the mightiest force in music, thanks to her record-breaking Confessions tour, which drew over a million fans and generated $195 million in ticket sales. And golf ace Tiger Woods banked $100 million, more in a single year than any athlete in history.”

Speaking of raking it in, I find that customers prefer it when I bag their leaves instead of just piling them beside the road. And I agree. I feel it makes me look more professional.

Here’s the full list. (Click thumbnails for larger sizes.)

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