Cuba Gooding, Jr. Is Playing O.J. Simpson

Ryan Murphy created the amazingly awesome (until it went off the rails)  Nip/Tuck. Then he created the horrible, preachy, self-masturbatory Glee. Then he created whatever the hell the weird American Horror Story is supposed to be. So if we’re going by that track record, his new show American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson is gonna suck pretty bad. But is has Cuba Gooding, Jr. as O.J. Simpson. Bruh.

Cuba Gooding Jr. is your O.J. Simpson. The Oscar winner will play the jailed footballer in FX’s American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. SimpsonAmerican Horror Story‘s Sarah Paulson will play prosecutor Marcia Clark. The first season of the anthology series will look at the Simpson trial from the perspectives of the lawyers involved.

Eh, this kinda seems lie it’s gonna be network knock off/mash up of True Detective and Law & Order with Cuba Gooding, Jr. just kinda sitting in the back trying to put on a glove. But I’m not understanding why Ryan Murphy didn’t cast Jessica Lange as O.J. Simpson and Marcia Clark. Basically people should just cast Jessica Lange as everything.

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O.J. Simpson Is Probably Going To Kill Kim Kardashian
O.J. Simpson Is Probably Going To Kill Kim Kardashian


O.J. Simpson didn’t kill Nicole Brown Simpson in the same way George Zimmerman didn’t kill Trayvon Martin or that Ferguson punk cop didn’t kill Mike Brown, but he’s serving a 33-year prison sentence anyway for robbery and kidnapping. He’s eligible for parole in 2017, so Kim Kardashian better get started on scratching off stuff from her bucket list.

“He has several sexy pictures of Kim hanging up in his prison cell from her 2007 Playboy shoot and he isn’t shy about showing her picture to fellow inmates,” an insider told us…Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days. As far as her recent wedding to Kanye West, Simpson doesn’t think that it’s any big deal saying, “As long as I am in prison, I can’t be with her so Kanye can have her for now. “But when I get out she’s mine.”…“O.J. said he always thought was a cute girl when she was younger,” the source said, “but it has only been since he’s been in prison his infatuation with her has grown to a full-blown obsession. “He reads every magazine he can about her and when she is on TV he demands silence from his fellow inmates so he can watch without interruption. He’s even tried to get in contact with her, but so far she hasn’t responded to him.”

Ray J likes to say he made Kim Kardashian famous, but it was O.J. Mostly because her father was O.J.’s defense lawyer after O.J. basically decapitated Nicole Brown Simpson for banging a waiter (who O.J. also killed). Kim Kardashian already has dead, lifeless eyes anyway, and O.J. can always say the leather gloves are Kanye’s.

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Bye Bye, OJ Simpson!

Only 13 years too late, O.J. Simpson will likely die in prison after he was sentenced to 9 to 33 years in prison today for several convictions including but not limited to robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy, and kidnapping (read Jenny’s awesome coverage here) for his role in a robbery at the Palace Station Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas last September. Las Vegas Now reports:

“Former football great O.J. Simpson will spend anywhere from nine to 33 years in prison and his co-defendant, Clarence C.J. Stewart will spend 7.5 to 27 years for their roles in a Las Vegas armed robbery case. Clark County District Court Judge Jackie Glass sentenced Simpson Friday after saying he is arrogant and ignorant. She says the evidence against him is overwhelming. “I can’t ignore that the behavior on September 13 was reckless,” Glass said. Earlier, Simpson apologized and told the judge he is sorry about trying to retrieve memorabilia that he said belonged to him. He appeared ready to break down in tears during a rambling, 5-minute declaration. “This is the first time I had the opportunity to catch the guys red-handed who had been stealing from my family,” Simpson said. “At the time of this event… it was clear to the court, you believed you could do in Las Vegas what you couldn’t do elsewhere,” Glass said.”

I think I speak for everyone when I say ripping out this psychopath’s heart with a corkscrew would’ve been ideal, but being known in prison as the guy who cut off the head of the white lady seems pretty good too.

Update: Here’s a portion of the recording of the robbery during the preliminary hearing before the trial. Warning: NSFW language:

And here’s O.J. lying about everything on a voicemail after the robbery:

Banner photo: Splash

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O.J. Simpson is GUILTY

13 years to the day after O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murdering his former wife and her friend, he’s finally back where he belongs … in jail. The jury in the case, who deliberated for approximately 13 hours in my great state of Nevada, did the smart thing and found Orenthal James Simpson (and one of his cronies) guilty on all charges because the people who were charged are guilty of all charges.

O.J. will be sentenced on December 5th, and will likely spend the rest of his life in PRISON for crimes including armed robbery, armed kidnapping, armed burglary, assault with a deadly weapon and conspiracy.

Thanks very much to Chris Owens and David Roger of the Clark County District Attorney’s Office for showing people you don’t fuck with Vegas. I witnessed in person the professionalism exhibited throughout the trial by our local boys and I was so very proud.

I haven’t uploaded all the new court stuff yet, but if you care, here’s the stuff I did on this a year ago:

O.J. Simpson Gets Arrested

By the way, our D.A.’s last name is Roger, not RogerS. And to Yale Galanter … O.J.’s nasally annoying grandma glasses wearing pain in the ass attorney, yes you … it’s frustrated, not fusstrated. Just like it’s fry, not fy. It’s freak, not feak. That crucial ‘r’ comes after the ‘f’ so use it, please. Buffoon.

Video update:

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Katie “Jordan” Price is Perfect

People complain about fake tits all the time. Katie Price’s mangled, been fed through the wood chipper tits have been stabbed and sliced more than O.J. Simpson’s victims and I don’t hear any of them complaining.

Click for the NSFW scarred darkness:

Bonus: When I think of dark nipples, I think Al B. Sure! nn-gurrll…

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O.J. Simpson Has a Short Memory

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In case you’ve been in a coma, O.J. Simpson’s totally perfunctory preliminary hearing began this week in my fair city of Las Vegas.

Here’s the court listening to the audio recording of O.J. and his gun-toting groupies gettin’ straight up gangsta’ like they gon’ buss a cap in they sports memorabilia dealin’ ass:

And here’s O.J. on his co-conspirator’s (the douche with the black and white mullet) voice mail doing his O.J. best to backtrack and cover his ass after the robbery:

So to all of you who heard that first recording and thought there was an armed robbery going on, O.J. says, “Ain’t nobody have any guns…Where does that shit come from?” But his memory lapse is understandable. Look at those little, white granny-glasses he wears. If that doesn’t scream, “I store canned goods in my pantyhose, and the CIA’s headquarters are in my Depends,” then I don’t know what does.

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O.J. Simpson Gets Released

O.J. Simpson was shackled and shuffled to Clark County Justice Court this morning where he had his arraignment and bail hearing, and was subsequently released on $125,000 cash bond until his trial date. When he was read the list of felony charges against him, O.J. acted surprised and confused until the end when he told the judge he understood everything. Kinda like how he lied about killing his wife for all those years and then wrote a book admitting he did it. What a paradox that guy is! Hey, O.J., next time you almost die in a Naked Gun movie, make sure you actually do it. Then you’ll be a motion picture hero of sorts, like Brandon Lee, or that wife murdering douche who finally died in that Naked Gun movie.

Update: Here are a few pictures of O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend, Christine Prody, who looks like a cranked out street hooker version of Nicole Brown-Simpson. But that’s not creepy at all.

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OJ Simpson Gets Arrested

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OJ Simpson was arrested yesterday at the Palms (of course) in Las Vegas for his part in an armed robbery which took place at the Palace Station hotel/casino.

“The prospective charges and possible punishments:

* Conspiracy to commit robbery, a felony, one to six years in state prison.
* Burglary with the use a deadly weapon, a felony, two to 15 years in state prison.
* Assault with a deadly weapon, two counts, felonies, one to six years in state prison on each count. Coercion with a deadly weapon, a felony, two to 12 years in state prison.
* Robbery with the use of a deadly weapon, two counts, a felony, two to 15 years in state prison on each count plus an enhancement of up to 15 years on each count for use of a firearm.
* Conspiracy to commit a crime, a gross misdemeanor, up to one year in county jail.”

As of this morning OJ is still at the Clark County Detention Center and below is his smug little mugshot. Not pictured: two Xs for eyes and LOLs from anxious Nevada State Prison inmates.

Click for larger photo:

Source: KLAS-TV

Update: TMZ has a partial audio recording of the robbery. Transcript after the jump…

OJ: Don’t let nobody out this room.


Think you can steal my shit and sell it?

(Unknown): No.

OJ: Don’t let nobody out of here.

Motherfucker, you think you can steal my shit?


(Unknown): Fuck you. Mind your own business

(Unknown): Look at this shit.

(Unknown): Get over there

OJ: You think you can steal my shit?

(Unknown): Backs to the wall.

(Unknown): I was trying to get past you;

(Unknown): Walk your ass over there.

OJ: Think you can steal my shit?

(Unknown): Mike took it.

(Unknown): You, against the motherfucking wall.

OJ: I know fucking Mike took it.

(Unknown): Search him.

(Unknown): And I know what Brian’s trying to prove.

OJ: I always thought you were a straight shooter.

(Unknown): I’m cool. I am.

(Unknown): Stand up.

(Unknown): So so

(Unknown): Get your motherfucking asses up.

(Unknown): Stand the fuck up.

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OJ Simpson is Still a Criminal

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You’ve probably seen this OJ coverage a thousand times already, so long story short (“short” used loosely):

Sources say OJ Simpson and five other men barged into a hotel room last night, and at gunpoint, took various memorabilia once owned by Simpson.

It happened at the Palace Station Hotel last night at around 7:15. Alfred Beardsley, a memorabilia dealer, had secured various items once owned by Simpson. Beardsley has said he had the suit OJ wore the day he was acquitted of murder.

Beardsley tells TMZ he had arranged to meet with someone last night who was interested in buying the suit and other Simpson memorabilia. Beardsley says the man was actually a member of Simpson’s crew. He says the men stormed the room, two of had guns drawn.

Beardsley says the men claimed to be police officers. OJ and others demanded that Beardsley and two other men surrender their cell phones. Beardsley refused to do so. Beardsley says the group stole every piece of memorabilia in the room, including items signed by Joe Montana. They also took a case of never-released leather books of Simpson’s book, “I Want to Tell You.”

Beardsley says he made a 911 call, and cops subsequently obtained a search warrant for the room. CSI investigators took Beardsley’s phone and took DNA samples and photos of his body. Beardsley says one of the guys roughed him up.”

Simpson told The Associated Press auction house owner Tom Riccio called him several weeks ago to say some collectors “have a lot of your stuff and they don’t want anyone to know they are selling it.”

Simpson, who was in Las Vegas for a friend’s wedding, said he arranged to meet Riccio at the hotel and conducted a “sting operation.”

“Everybody knows this is stolen stuff,” Simpson said. “Not only wasn’t there a break-in, but Riccio came to the lobby and escorted us up to the room. In any event, it’s stolen stuff that’s mine. Nobody was roughed up.”

In my new book entitled, “Women Don’t Need Heads” I go into great detail about how it’s okay to saw a woman’s head off in her front yard and how you should kill any man who tries to return glasses to said woman since she doesn’t need glasses, because she doesn’t have a head attached to her body anymore. Buy my book, bitches.

Since I love you, and hate murderous piles of shit like OJ Simpson who visit my city and make clown-like attempts at vigilante justice, I recorded the Metro news conference for you (parts 2 and 3 after the jump).

Parts 2 and 3 of the OJ Simpson robbery news conference after the jump…

Video credit to KLAS


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