Snooki Wears The Same Tampon For Four Days



My Ex, a site that let’s people upload shit about their exes so everybody can read it, apparently was found by Snooki’s ex-boyfriend Jeff Miranda. He had a lot of nice things to say about her. So many nice things. My Ex reports:

Well where to begin. Here is a start, my ex gf the snookster doesnt believe in showers and likes to wear the same cloth for days. While we were together during the filming of jersey shore season 3, she barely changed her underwear. And left the same tampon in for days!!!! Gross i Know. Even on episode 6 of season 3 you see her tampon string hanging out between her legs, talk about class right!!! I also remember walking down the seaside boardwalk with her to get on the sky ride while we had hundreds of fans flock us, and this poor little girl who was sick, her mom said that all she wanted was for snooki to say hi to her, guess what my POS ex gf did, nothing, what she did do, was turn away and look at me and say ” ughh, i cant stand these people!! ” What a total bitch, isnt even grateful for the people who made her what she is today!!! She isnt the little sweetheart everyone thinks she is!!! I am calling you out snooki!!! Just because your all famous now doesnt mean shit!!! Im on a reality show as well and know how to respect and show love to all my fans. you should learn the same!!! Shame on fucking you!!!

Please keep in mind that Snooki had a baby named Lorenzo. It’s just a shame that the people of New Jersey will have to wait at least 20 years for the Toxic Shock Avenger to protect them.

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Snooki’s Suing

She doesn’t think she got enough money for putting her name on things. Like lingerie. No, really. The New York Post reports:

A High-profile licensing deal inked by Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi to put the guidette’s name on everything from denim and lingerie to home goods has wound up in court. Polizzi filed a complaint last month in Ulster County, NY — the “Jersey Shore” star’s legal residence — to end her partnership with SRG Ventures after the deal grabbed headlines earlier this year. SRG has worked with brands including the US Olympic Committee’s Team USA, Hohm and the Marilyn Monroe brand. But now Snooki is looking to get out of the pact, Page Six has learned, claiming it wasn’t as lucrative as agreed upon. Meanwhile, SRG filed a motion yesterday to move the case to New York City in preparation for a counter-suit. Snooki’s lawyers allege in court papers that SRG “failed to secure” royalty guarantees of at least $250,000 and a license from a major retailer for another $250,000, as the contract called for. It also says the SRG didn’t bring in “five licenses approved by [Polizzi].” But SRG says it has a “preponderance of evidence” that it did achieve those “performance benchmarks,” and says the gnomish reality star is herself in breach of contract.

(more…)

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The Power Of Literacy Compels You



For people who actually know how to read, you’d figure you’re just as likely to see Snooki in a book store as you are to see Captain Howdy in church. This is her second book. Her first was a bestseller. Nowhere is safe. Stock up on Valtrex, fill your tanks, and aim for the head.

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This Is Worth $5 Million

And rising–the cast of Jersey Shore just got raises. Entertainment Weekly reports:

The cast is being paid a massive amount of money to get drunk and screw around in Italy. For the Shore stars, there is no downside.

As has been reported, the eight-member cast has just finished their salary negotiations. Multiple sources close to the matter tell EW the deal has members of the “core group” now pulling down at least $100,000 per episode, especially once you factor in their bonus structure. Each season is usually 13 episodes. (MTV had no comment.)

That’s a quantum leap for a group that once made headlines by haggling a raise to $10k per episode for season 2. And, of course, the per-episode salary from MTV is only part of the group’s income, with appearances and product endorsements tacking on additional large sums. (One tally puts The Situation’s annual income at $5 million.)

Regardless of what you might think of Snooki, Sitch and Co., they’re not pulling a robbery — on the balance sheet, they’re worth the money. Jersey Shore is like the American Idol of basic cable, delivering huge adult demo numbers that are higher than many, if not most, broadcast shows.

It’s been widely documented that these trolls are overpaid and retarded, so I won’t even begin to address how fucked up this is. Except to remind you that God is, in fact, dead.

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Snooki Doesn’t Want To Be Called “Snooki” Anymore



Oh, boo hoo. Yahoo! reports:
Nicole Polizzi is a little over herself. Well, not herself, but her nickname: Snooki. The “Jersey Shore” star says that the moniker that helped make her famous has gotten a little old. “I miss my real name. I miss people calling me Nicole,” she said.

You know when people call you by your real name? At your funeral. You might want to check into that. Planning your final arrangements is a responsible decision, and is one of the most caring gifts you can give your loved ones, Nicole. “Nicole”. You like that don’t you? Don’t be scared. Making your final arrangements in advance allows you to influence all elements of your services, including songs, readings or other personal details that are important to you. It’s your funeral – it should celebrate your life, your way. With lots of “Nicole” thrown in.

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Snooki Is Suing



Jersey Shore is about drunk idiots who go to bars and clubs to get drunker, so it wasn’t really surprising when Snooki got arrested for being a drunk bitch last month in Seaside Heights. I wonder if she was drunk when she thought of this.

Get ready for a war in Jersey — because TMZ has learned Snooki is launching a full-scale legal offensive over her messy arrest in Seaside Heights last month. Snooki’s lawyer is demanding that prosecutors turn over all of the evidence they plan to use against the “Jersey Shore” star in her disorderly conduct case … and that includes everything from witnesses to lab reports to photos and even video footage.

Ok, here’s the photos and the video is below, but lab reports? Are scientists involved? Wait, is she a Cro-Magnon that was unthawed then shaved? Did she escape her cage and try out for a reality show? Because that would make a lot of sense.

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Sorry



Snooki and the rest of the Fellowship of the STD went to some adult store in Seaside Heights, NJ, and not only does the town sound like some sort of Section 8 commune, there’s a bonus: you get to see Snooki’s flabby ass. I would say my penis is dry-heaving, but that would imply it’s about to spit something out. It’s not. I swear, if I had a choice between sticking my dick in this or something the Jigsaw Killer made, I’d at least ask how long the timer was.

Note: Before you spam the comments calling me a jealous hater and that anybody would hit this, do me a favor. Get laid.

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Ooh La La



I have been proud of a lot of things in my life, one of those being the fact that I have never seen one single episode of The Jersey Shore. The other being my G.I. Joe collection, but more to the point, would anybody seriously fuck this Snooki chick if it wasn’t for some type hostage negotiation? Even if it was, I’d let them use my anytime minutes to say goodbye to their families, because the only way I could get hard looking at this is if she had snakes for hair. Christ, this skank is gross. She looks like something Brad and Angelina would bring back from Oz.

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She Didn’t Get Punched Hard Enough

It really is with no small sense of pride that I say that I have never watched one single episode of The Jersey Shore, and trust me when I say that unless any of these idiots gets beheaded or becomes a suicide bomber, this is the last time any of them will appear on this site. I’m only putting these up because one of the “stars” of the show, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was photographed at an MTV party this weekend. Please take a look at these pictures, because apparently it’s not okay to punch the living shit out of this bitch. I’m glad somebody told me, because I didn’t realize it would be considered violence against women, I just have a thing for punching obnoxious assholes. Sometimes obnoxious assholes have tanning bed lines and tits, sometimes they don’t. I think it’s important as a society that we work diligently to break down the long-standing social injustice that says women can’t get their ass beat for being douchebags. The modern woman has worked hard to earn that right, so why should we take away those civil liberties? Who are you, Nacy Pelosi all of a sudden? Don’t you dare tell Snooki that her obituary can’t include the words “hammer strike” and “temple”. How dare you sir try to legislate a woman’s right to choose?! How dare you sir!

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