Nicolas Cage Is An Undead Vampire (According To A Guy On eBay)

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I’m not gonna lie, this guy makes a valid point. Fox 411 reports:

Here is how the eBay listing for the photo reads:

Original c.1870 carte de visite showing a man who looks exactly like Nick Cage. Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host. This is not a trick photo of any kind and has not been manipulated in Photoshop or any other graphics program. It’s an original photo of a man who lived in Bristol, TN sometime around the Civil War. I’ve had a lot of questions asking where I purchased this. As followers of my website know, I collect antique memorial photography — images of dead people — from the 1800s. This photo was found in the very back of album that contained an unusual number of Civil War era death portraits (which is why I purchased it). All of the other people in the album, living and dead, were identified by name — this man was not. Photographer is Professor G.B. Smith. A contact of mine forwarded this interesting article (link) about the photographer, Smith. Turns out he was a confederate Civil War prisoner of war photographer. Guaranteed to be an original 1860s-70s photograph and not a modern reproduction, copy or photo manipulation.”

Ok, first let me point on the fact that this guy admits that he has a website to share with the world his hobby of collecting photographs of dead people from the 1800s. Now that all my lady readers are wet, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT LOOKS LIKE NIC CAGE. But I don’t recall undead vampires who quicken every 75 years needing hair plugs. According to popular movies, vampires are effeminate emo fags who sparkle. The guy in this picture is wearing a bowtie. You can’t pout and listen The Cure in the back of your mom’s minivan while wearing a bowtie.

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Nic Cage Is Not In Any Trouble Whatsoever

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On the night of April 15, Nicolas Cage was shitfaced in New Orleans and forcibly grabbed his wife and dragged her by the arm in front of several witnesses. The police were called. When they arrived, Cage started punching parked cars and tried to leave in a taxi. When the police ordered him out, his Belligerent Drunk level got a powerup and he started screaming at the police. Witnesses also say that during his intoxicated state, he knocked over his 5-year old son. But don’t worry guys, the DA doesn’t have enough evidence to charge him with any crime. Whew, that was a close one! Radar Online reports:

“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him,” Cage’s attorney Harry Rosenberg told People. “After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nick and the matter has been closed. “We are pleased that the process led to the correct result, despite inaccurate media reports, and that Nick has been cleared and all charges have been dropped.”

Awesome. The New Orleans legal system doesn’t even pretend to put a fight in the face of a celebrity who hasn’t made a decent movie in ten years. If I were Christian Bale, I’d move to New Orleans immediately. When he’s not filming, he could relax with target practice in a daycare during nap time and throwing gasoline on homeless people then setting them on fire. Then, of course, he’d have to rush home to clean up because the ceremony to present him with the key to the city and a virgin of his choice is all the way across town and the police motorcade will take a while to get him there.

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Nicolas Cage Dropped His Kid. Child Protective Services Generally Frowns Upon That.

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After being arrested because his wife was being a difficult, hard-headed bitch, a child abuse detective was called to investigate Nicolas Cage after witnesses say watched him “pull his 5-year-old son to the ground”. TMZ reports:

According to the police report, Cage’s wife Alice told police she and Nic had been arguing on the night of April 15 “due to his intoxicated state” … when they went to pick up their son from a friend’s house. FYI — Alice was in the driver’s seat. Alice told cops … she and Nic continued to argue until they arrived at their home — at which point she claims, “Mr Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.” But a witness told cops a slightly different story — saying he saw “Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand.” According to the report, “A child abuse detective was notified.” Cops say they wanted to interview Cage’s son — but Alice wouldn’t let that happen. As for Cage, cops described him as “hysterical” and “irrational” when they interviewed him after the incident.

I hope everyone involved is being investigated, because it’s always a good idea to stand around and watch a 5-year old child with an unhinged drunk and a shrieking Asian woman. Or maybe they thought he was an Avatar. Who must put his childhood ways aside and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations. Hurry before it’s too late!

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Nicolas Cage Is An Idiot

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got arrested for domestic abuse on Saturday morning, because there’s no actual charge for “being an asshole.” Per TMZ:

An argument broke out between Nicolas Cage and his wife Alice last night when the two disagreed over the exact address of an apartment they were renting in New Orleans … this according to police.

According to the NOPD, Cage and and his wife were standing in front of a property he believed they were renting. She disagreed and, according to the NOPD, he grabbed her by the arm to pull her to the correct address.

Police say there were no visible signs of injury on her arm.

The NOPD went on to say Cage then began to hit parked cars and later attempted to get into a taxi. Cops say Cage eventually got into a cab, but a police officer ordered him out … which “prompted Cage to start yelling.”

But wait. There’s more!

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ … Nic was “very drunk” on the streets of N.O. when a cab driver saw him loudly arguing with his wife Alice.

We’re told the cabbie called the police and said in addition to the screaming and yelling … he saw Nic grab her.

We’re told the police came and told Nic and his wife to just go home. That’s when Nic allegedly told cops, “Why don’t you just arrest me?” The cops then reiterated that he and his wife should just go home. Cage then repeated his dare to cops.

At that point, police took Nic into custody and charged him with …domestic abuse and disturbing the peace.

Cage was released on an $11,000 bond, despite being broke. How did that happen?

Nic Cage has friends in high places … TMZ has learned it was Duane “Dog” Chapman who posted the bond for Cage today.

As TMZ first reported, Cage was arrested this morning in New Orleans on charges of domestic violence and disturbing the peace after an alleged argument with his wife Alice.

Sources tell TMZ they were the ones who helped get Nic out of jail — he was being held on $11,000 bond.

Beth alluded to the bail out, posting on her Twitter, “My guy just walked out of the jail damn new Orleans 8 hours holy cow that’s a lot of time to Process one guy.”

To reiterate: Nicolas Cage got pissed at his wife because she was confused about an address, so he hit parked cars and taunted police officers, then had Dog the Bounty Hunter bail him out because he owes $14 million to the IRS and spends his money on shrunken heads and dinosaur skulls. A few things are to be learned from this: Get a GPS; be nice to people with mullets; and never dare a cop to arrest you, no matter how much they look like the one you hired for your bff’s bachelorette party.

I imagine his tirade looked a lot like this:

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Nicolas Cage Is Insane

For some strange reason Nicolas Cage is in Bucharest, Romania, and that strange reason is to film the sequel to Ghost Rider, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Possibly having read that last sentence, Cage completely lost his shit outside a nightclub. National Enquirer reports:

The incident was caught on a mobile device by a passer-by and the tirade was then broadcast on local TV – translated into Romanian for all to understand what sent Cage into an unbridled stream of BLEEP-laden obscenity. “Get in that car and walk away. I’ll fucking die because of honor. I’ll fucking die right now,’ Cage screams in the video. What set off the thesp’s rage is unknown, but in the video it appears his anger is directed towards a man and two women, who all attempt to calm him down. Cage’s security then tries to extricate the explosive star away from the scene but to no avail, as Cage violently pulls away, screaming, “Don’t touch me you little bitch!’ It appears as if Cage’s done when he’s breaks free and returns to confront whoever it was that offended Nicolas as he points two fingers in his eyes in a Robert DeNiro gesture ranting: “See my eyes – respect them as you’d respect me!”

If you already didn’t know that most actors are narcissistic freakazoids with no concept of reality, watch this video of Nicolas Cage. I’m literally surprised that he didn’t hold out his hand and fully expect a fireball to appear.

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Nicolas Cage Is Great With Money

Nicolas Cage owes $6 million in back taxes and last month he sued his former money manager because Cage said he was led “down a path of financial ruin”. And by “down a path of financial ruin”, I mean Cage was spending like a black guy who just won the lottery. Us Magazine reports:

Bad financial advice or not, Cage, 45, lived a super-sized life. While most of his possessions are now for sale, already sold or in foreclosure, the star once owned a staggering — and bizarre — array of, well, stuff. Among Cage’s many, many expenditures — as tabulated by New York magazine — were the following: One jet and two yachts. In 2007, he outbid Leonardo DiCaprio for a dinosaur skull, shelling out $276,000 for the artifact. His homes included three castles — plus two islands in the Bahamas. Among his “dozen or so” mansions, one Bel Air home, purchased in 1998, features a billiard room with a 1955 Jaguar parked inside plus an array of “shrunken heads.” Out of his 50 cars, the most Cage ever shelled out was $495,000 on Lamborghini — used. (Its former owner was the shah of Iran.) Obsessed with superheroes (he was once set to star in a Superman sequel), he sold his comics collection in 1997 for $1.6 million. While portraying an alcoholic in Leaving Las Vegas (his Oscar-winning role) in 1995, he hired an “on set drinking-consultant-poet.”

Well of course it’s the money manager’s fault. How dare he try to stop Nicolas Cage from buying a dinosaur skull, three castles, and two private islands? People need that stuff. People said the island I bought to hunt homeless people on was frivolous and unnecessary, but I like to keep my overhead low. If they make it to safe zone within 24 hours, they get a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Oh man, those guys love that stuff!!

The insanely hot cougar, Monica Bellucci, is in an upcoming movie with Nic Cage, so here she is in GQ. You really weren’t expecting pics of Nicolas Cage were you?

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Kathleen Turner Offends Nicolas Cage

In her new autobiography, Send Yourself Roses, Kathleen Turner dishes dirt on some of her male co-stars such as Burt Reynolds, Steve Martin, and William Hurt. She apparently saved the worst for Nicolas Cage. Turner claims while on the set of Peggy Sue Got Married, Cage was an insufferable ass who was arrested twice for a DUI and once for stealing a chihuahua. Turns out Nicolas Cage doesn’t remember any of that so he’s suing her. Kathleen Turner probably doesn’t even remember what year it is right now, but I don’t have a hard time believing everything she says. Why? Because actors are insane. I’m surprised none of her stories include midget cannons or quotes from a Vietnamese boy in a dog collar.

Obligatory Kathleen Turner sex scenes (NSFW):

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