Thank You, Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney is proof that as long as you put in a few years with a popular boy band, you can then spend the next four decades making average-to-terrible music and still have enough clout in the entertainment industry to get A-list actors like Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman to star in your latest music video. Then you can have a big premiere of that video where half of Hollywood turns out. But I do have to give the cute Beatle some credit, he managed to get Miranda Kerr to change out of workout clothes for the first time in weeks. So thanks for that, Paul.

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Natalie Portman Might Already Be Married



Natalie Portman and her fiance since December 2010, prancing ballerina Benjamin Millepied, showed up to the Oscars on Sunday both wearing rings. So this means they were secretly married under the cover of deception and night or something. People reports:
Did Natalie Portman slyly reveal big news before more than 1 billion TV viewers? On Sunday night’s 84th Academy Awards, the actress appeared to be wearing a wedding ring set as she clutched an envelope onstage. And her French fiancé, Black Swan choreographer Benjamin Millepied, was photographed with a band on his wedding finger. Was there a secret wedding? That remains a mystery for now, as the Oscar winner’s rep hasn’t commented.

What?! You mean to tell me a famous actress got married without issuing a press release? She didn’t even tell People?! She decided to live her life in quiet dignity realizing it’s nobody’s fucking business?! How are tabloids supposed to sell magazines?! Kris Jenner is probably walking along the beach and tossing sticks in the ocean right now. “I…I just…I just don’t understand. Help me understand,” she was quoted as saying to the heavens.

Note: Not to rain on anybody’s secret wedding, but it is rumored that Darren Aronofsky is Portman’s baby daddy and not Benjamin Millepied. Look at this post and it will make more sense.

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Natalie Portman Gave Her Kid A Stupid Name



I’ll just go ahead and say it. Natalie Portman named her kid “Alef”. Alef Millepied. And people say Casey Anthony is a horrible mother. Washington Post reports:

The name of Natalie Portman and fiance Benjamin Millepied’s baby boy has remained unknown since his birth in June — until now? Newspaper Israel Hayom is reporting, via “The Guy Pines Show,” that the couple named their son Alef. The name, also spelled “Aleph” and pronounced “All-Eff,” is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet. Portman was born Natalie Hershlag in Jeruslaem. Requests for comment from Portman’s reps have not been returned. And considering there hasn’t been official confirmation that the baby was even born, just a report from People, getting it may be tough. The Huffington Post said it received a tip last month that this was the name.

Christ (Sorry, Natalie). His name is “Alef Millepied” and this frolicking queer is supposedly his father. Let’s just hope the burning bush finally shows up when he’s about to get his ass kicked at recess.

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Darren Aronofsky Might Be Natalie Portman’s Baby’s Father



I normally don’t deal in wild speculation and conjecture, and although that’s not true, someone sent me this today. So, if you’re having a hard time believing how a dude ballerina who skips down the street got Natalie Portman pregnant, maybe this will make it a little more harder. You know, like Darren Aronofsky’s penis.

When this famous director dropped out of a high-profile project, there was some speculation that it was due to personal rather than professional reasons. He had broken up with an actress last year, and it was believed that each was taking time off from work to battle over the custody of their child/ren. What isn’t public knowledge is that their breakup was due in large part to his affair with another actress… who became pregnant with his baby. The jury is still out on whether or not any of the three will ever acknowledge the affair and/or the baby’s paternity.

Director:

First Actress:

Second Actress:

August 25, 2010 – September 15, 2010 – Natalie Portman gets inseminated at some point. Putting her due date between June 1 and June 22, 2011.

September 1, 2010: Black Swan has its world premiere as the opening film of the 67th Venice Film Festival.

November 8, 2010: Darren Aronofsky and Rachel Weisz announced they split after 9 years, claim they had been “separated for some months“.

December 27, 2010: Natalie Portman announces that she’s pregnant and engaged. In the same press release.

March 17, 2011: Darren Aronofsky suddenly and inexplicably pulls out of The Wolverine citing production in Japan “would keep me out of the country for almost a year. I was not comfortable being away from my family for that length of time.”

June 14, 2011: Natalie Portman gives birth.

Sooo….yeah. I’m not saying any of this is true, but if you were a woman with a working vagina, would it Niagra over a brilliant, auteur filmmaker, or the guy in the corner wearing leg warmers and a leotard? I just polled several working vaginas and I didn’t even get the chance to get out the “and a leotard” part.

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Natalie Portman Had A Boy. This Is The Father.



Wait, I thought this kid’s twin sister was supposed to be the Princess? The Gay Force will be strong with this one. People reports:

It’s been a big year for Natalie Portman: an engagement, an Oscar and now a baby! The actress and fiancé Benjamin Millepied have welcomed a son, PEOPLE has exclusively learned.

When your mom looks like Amon Goeth’s vegan housekeeper and your dad is a prancing lad whose idea of badass is doing an interpretive dance to Mahler, there’s really only once direction I see this kid going. And that’s down Sunset in cutoff jean shorts and mascara.

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Natalie Portman Lied To Get Her Oscar



In one of the most overrated movies and performances of last year, Natalie Portman won the Oscar for Best Actress for her role as a crazy ballerina in Black Swan. Oscar voters were told how she diligently trained for months to transform herself into a ballerina. When in reality, Darren Aronofsy turned her into a ballerina by CGI-ing her head on an actual ballerina’s body. And, yes. CGI-ing is a word. I just made it up. Haha, suck it Webster! E! Online reports:

In her acceptance speech, Natalie graciously thanked her trainer, former New York City Ballet dancer, Mary Helen Bowers, her fiancé and costar, Benjamin Millepied, as well as a handful of other contributors. Someone whom Portman forgot to mention? Her dancing double, Sarah Lane, whose name has only surfaced after the Oscar win. In an interview with Dance Magazine, Lane claims that she had been asked by a Fox Searchlight producer to stop giving interviews until after the Oscars. “They were trying to create this facade that she had become a ballerina in a year and a half. So I knew they didn’t want to publicize anything about me.” Indeed, the cinematic genius showing just how Portman’s body was fused with dancing powerhouse Lane is well documented in the upcoming Black Swan DVD, due out next week. Another diss? Lane’s name also appears in the credits as an extra, not a dancing double. But why the need for a facade? If Natalie totally worked her butt off for the role (which everyone says she did), is it really necessary to make us believe that she mastered in a year what most ballerinas can’t even master after 10? She completely transformed herself, broken rib and all. For Sarah, this aspect was most disappointing, and she comments “how unfortunate it is that, as professional dancers, we work so hard, but people can actually believe that it’s easy enough to do it in a year. That’s the thing that bothered me the most.”

So, I’m not saying that Natalie Portman is an egotistical prima donna who would perpetuate a lie just so she could win and Oscar, but…oh, wait. Yes I am! Sorry about that.

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Natalie Portman And The Chick From Glee Might Have Leaked Pics



The hackers that recently gave the Internet nude pics of Vanessa Hudgens and Renne Olstead, also reportedly hacked Natalie Portman and Dianna Argon (this homely mess with the big forehead) as well. TMZ reports:

Sources connected to the hackers tell TMZ … Natalie Portman (Oscar winner for “Black Swan”), Lindsey Vonn (Gold medal skier in 2010), and Carly Patterson (all-around Gold in gymnastics in 2004) are all among the women who have been targeted by a ring of hackers who have gained access to over 100 active email addresses of celebrities, politicians and sports stars. We’re also told Dianna Agron from “Glee” has been targeted as well. And a prominent 17-year-old actress was also hacked … though we’re not releasing her name. As TMZ first reported, the hackers have snagged nude photos from many female stars, including Vanessa Hudgens, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Scarlett Johansson, Miley Cyrus, Jessica Alba, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead. We’re told the FBI knows the identity of the ringleader … but no arrests have been made so far.

Besides the fact that, based on his taste in women, this hacker obviously quotes Obi Wan Kenobi on his Facebook and has one or more remote control cars, let’s not get too excited about these Natalie Portman pics. Hopefully they were taken before she got pregnant, and if even they were, please keep in mind that her boyfriend is a ballerina. These pictures are probably of her holding up crepes or making some sort of floral arrangement.

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Mike Huckabee Hates Natalie Portman

Despite Natalie Portman having a fiancee and being more than rich enough to support a baby, Mike Huckabee attacked her for glorifying single moms. Uh, okay. From E! Online:

“I was asked about Oscar winner Natalie Portman’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy,” he explained on his blog, Huck PAC. “Natalie is an extraordinary actor, very deserving of her recent Oscar and I am glad she will marry her baby’s father. However, contrary to what the Hollywood media reported, I did not ‘slam’ or ‘attack’ Natalie Portman, nor did I criticize the hardworking single mothers in our country.”

At least, not unless you count this as a criticism: “Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have healthcare,” which is what Huckabee said during a radio interview earlier this week that hit the mainstream media last night.

Huckabee clearly does not consider his comment as a slight, because he repeated himself, almost verbatim, in his clarification.

“My comments were about the statistical reality that most single moms are very poor, under-educated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death,” he wrote. “That’s the story that we’re not seeing, and it’s unfortunate that society often glorifies and glamorizes the idea of having children out of wedlock.”

Some male ballet dancer finds a cash cow and Mike Huckabee gets pissed? There are plenty of better reasons to dislike Natalie Portman. For example, the hypocrisy of her comparing eating meat to rape, then defending a guy who drugged and sodomized a teenager. Or that she produced and starred in a movie with Ashton Kutcher.

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Natalie Portman Is A Hypocrite



Last Thursday, British fashion designer John Galliano got drunk and was caught on video just before Paris Fashion Week spewing anti-Semitic remarks to a group of women at a bar before saying, “I love Hitler” and “Your mothers, your forefathers would all be fucking gassed”. As expected, he was fired by Christian Dior. Since Natalie Portman is Jewish and never misses and opportunity to be a sanctimonious cunt, she has released a statement. You’ll never guess what it says!! Us Magazine reports:

The star, who is the face of Miss Dior Cherie perfume, said in a statement: “I am deeply shocked and disgusted by the video.” Adds the expectant mom, 29: “In light of this video, and as an individual who is proud to be Jewish, I will not be associated with Mr. Galliano in any way.” “I hope at the very least, these terrible comments remind us to reflect and act upon combating these still-existing prejudices that are the opposite of all that is beautiful.” In the shocking video, Galliano gets into a vile argument at a Paris cafe. He says, “I love Hitler,” drops offensive epithets and makes references to people being “gassed”.

Let me preface this by saying that anyone who identifies with Hitler and agrees with anything he did is a delusional sociopath who I would gladly give the gift of a morphine drip, but please keep in mind that this is the same Natalie Portman who was one of the biggest supporters of Roman Polanski. So to recap, drugging and forcibly butt fucking a 13-year old girl? No big deal. Saying you like Hitler? Well, clutch my pearls. To condemn a drunk queer who was talking out of his ass while at the same time condemning others for wanting a sexual predator brought to justice is just bad form. Like your sister when she’s on top. Dude, what’s her deal? Do I need to buy a metronome?

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The Winners You Care About



In case you missed it in my last two posts, the 83rd Academy Awards were last night. Besides Inception not winning Best Picture, the greatest tragedy of the night was James Franco and Anne Hathaway as the hosts. James Franco was high as giraffe’s pussy the whole night and Anne Hathaway and her tentacle arms were painfully unfunny. I couldn’t have laughed less if my doctor up showed and presented my brain with Best Achievement in Tumors. Anyway, here were the night’s main winners.
Best Picture: The King’s Speech
Best Actor: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
Best Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Actor in a Supporting Role: Christian Bale, The Fighter
Actress in a Supporting Role: Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Director: Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech
Original Screenplay: David Seidler, The King’s Speech
Adapted Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network

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