The French premiere of mother! was last night and that makes sense because mother! looks like one of those movies that will play well in Paris. From what I can tell from the reviews, it’s about a white lady with really bad anxiety. I can see that for free on social media. Maybe I’ll wait for it to hit iTunes. So here’s the trailer again and here’s pictures of Jennifer Lawrence and her freakishly large Pennywise head in a dress that pushes her boobs up. French people like those things as well.
The trailer for Darren Aronofsky’s psychological horror movie, mother!,dropped yesterday and here’s what it’s about:
A young woman’s (Jennifer Lawrence) tranquil life with her husband (Javier Bardem) at their remote country home is challenged by a mysterious couple (Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer) who arrive and lodge with them.
Cool. It stars three great actors and Jennifer Lawrence. From what I can tell, Jennifer Lawrence is gonna get sacrificed by some cult or she’s dead and buried in the wall and is now a ghost or something. “People trapped in a wall and are now ghosts” movies are always lame. I like some of Aronofsky’s movies, but we should also remember he did The Fountain and Noah. What the shit was that about? So, in conclusion, let’s hope the movie is as good as the trailer. It probably won’t be. Like I said, it stars Jennifer Lawrence.
Britney Spears was allowed to take her children out of state for the first time this weekend, and according to reports, Jayden James had a wonderful time. You know, except for the part when he had a seizure and became unresponsive. Good times, man. Good times! The Sun UK reports:
“Jayden James was taken to an emergency ward after lapsing into a “vague and unresponsive” state during a long-awaited family trip to the singer’s hometown of Kentwood in Louisiana. The entire Spears clan made the 25-mile dash to Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Centre, Mississippi, including sister Jamie Lynn. Doctors were unable to pinpoint the problem straight away and kept the toddler in for overnight observation. Distraught Britney, 26, refused to leave his side and asked for a bed next to him in the ward. Ex-husband Kevin Federline is now believed to be making plans to jet out and also be by Jayden’s bedside. Sources say chaos erupted when the toddler suffered a suspected seizure out of the blue, at about 3pm on Sunday. One said: “One minute Britney and her sons were relaxing and enjoying their first visit to Kentwood in months, and the next minute Jayden had fallen ill. “He was vague and unresponsive so Britney dialled an ambulance. “But she was told it would take half an hour to arrive, and she was best trying to get Jayden to the hospital herself. Another added: “They tore off so fast it was incredible.”
I really don’t know what anybody was expecting when they let Britney takes her kids on a trip, but I hope this settles it. Britney Spears shouldn’t be left around a Baby Alive doll, much less a real kid. I guess having a seizure really wasn’t all that bad. It’s Britney, so I was kinda expecting his car seat strapped to a rocket.
Update: Britney’s PR people are emailing everyone denying there was a seizure and are claiming he had an allergic reaction to something he ate, but they don’t know what he ate. Jayden might be released from the hospital tomorrow.
Seriously, is Britney Spears trying to break some sort of record? Exactly how much smoke does she want to blow in her kids’ faces? Does she want them to be the first ones in their class with cancer? It certainly appears so. Instead of wasting time with cigarettes, she should just let them play on the surface of the sun or let them take naps in asbestos sleeping bags. They’ll be the envy of their friends in no time!
After years of court battles and depositions, the child custody case between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is finally over. In what shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone, Britney Spears signed over full custody to Kevin Federline. OK! reports:
In an exclusive interview with OK!, Kevin’s attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan says both Britney and Kevin reached and signed off on a settlement in their custody case today. Kaplan tells OK!, “At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner.” Kaplan adds, “Kevin is ecstatic and the boys are thriving.”
To be an active participant in a child custody case, you have to actually want your kids, so I guess Britney Spears is glad all this is finally over. She doesn’t have to pretend anymore. And I don’t blame her. Because, really, little kids aren’t even all that fun. They never have their own cigarettes and they’re always wasting their beer. I hate to generalize, but quite frankly, little kids just don’t know how to party.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that no matter how many times I strum that cardboard box with the rubber bands wrapped around it, and Juan bangs on his disposable cups with his Paper Mate pens, and Roberta screams into her phone receiver, we’ll never be Led Zeppelin.
Britney should do the same.
No matter how often Britney Spears wears these skanky clothes and shows the world her various weathered and gravitated body parts, she’ll never be that teenager in the schoolgirl uniform again. And that’s OK. Now put some clothes on and go home, you filthy hooker. Dignity is your friend.
At the request of Britney Spears and her attorneys, an emergency hearing was called today in the ongoing child custody case between Spears and Kevin Federline. Her lawyers were there, Federline was there, guess where Britney was? TMZ says:
Brit arrived at the courthouse and went through the metal detector, but then had a change of heart and didn’t want to go inside the courtroom. Sources told TMZ Brit wanted visitation restored in a “therapeutic setting” — meaning under the treatment of medical professionals — but that wasn’t gonna happen, especially since she never showed to make a plea…Britney Spears was shut down in her attempt to regain some sort of visitation. There are no changes. K-Fed has sole custody and no visitation for Brit for now.”
Apparently the whole “therapeutic setting” thing also went over well:
As we first reported, Britney’s lawyers know they’re up against it — their client has some sort of bipolar disorder but has refused to commit herself to a mental hospital for evaluation and treatment. She cannot be involuntarily committed. So, her lawyers and family have devised a “creative way” of treating Brit, and they wanted the Commish to let her visit the kids while she undergoes treatment. We’re told Commish Gordon was unmoved, especially since he has repeatedly ordered Brit to undergo a court-ordered psych evaluation, but she has refused. We’re also told Brit’s lawyers said this “creative” treatment has not yet commenced.”
I guess Britney is just pacing herself. The first couple of court hearings she never showed up, the last she made it to the parking lot, this time she made it through the metal detector. Who knows, maybe next time she’ll make it all the way to the water fountain. Or maybe not, I agree she should take it slow. Because in a fight for a parent to keep their kids, you’d hate for them to get tired out.
Britney and her on-again paparazzo boyfriend crashing into a motorcyle last night:
Now the pop star has lost both custody and visitation rights with her precious sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James and, as an insider reveals only in the new issue of OK!, friends fear she may seek to heal her loneliness by having another child–this time with her married paparazzo boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib! “Britney hates when things are taken from her,” a family member of Kevin Federline tells OK!. “The court’s taken Preston and Jayden away, so she’ll just have another kid to take their place. That’s the way she thinks.”
If you still have any doubt about Britney’s true feelings for her kids, let’s hope this clears it up. They’re toys that are easily replaced. The doctor could hand Britney a Baby Alive doll in the delivery room and she wouldn’t notice for about two weeks.
Britney Spears had a custody hearing today which was scheduled at around 9:30 a.m. Pacific time. She was a no-show until around 1:15 p.m. Pacific. The black SUV was driven by her head parasite, Osama Lufti, and also in the car was her paparazzo boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib. She arrived at the courthouse clad in a slutty, white lace dress. She entered the courthouse and left only a few minutes later. Then she went to a church and left a few minutes later. Then she went to a mall on Ventura Blvd. and ate at the Gaucho Grill. Then she went home with Osama and Adnan.
Then she strapped a bomb to her back, went to Starbucks, screamed “Caramel, extra whip, PRAISE ALLAH, BOOM!!” See, gotcha there, didn’t I?
Britney Spears is due in court today to try and get her kids back, and she’s doing all she can to help. Seen all over L.A. this weekend with her paparazzi boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib, Britney showed up at the Keyes Mercedes-Benz dealership in the San Fernando Valley wearing her wedding dress in which she married Kevin Federline. The Daily Mail says:
The strange fashion choice has sparked rumors that her new man, photographer Adnan Ghalib has concocted a plan to marry the star in an attempt to secure her fortune and lucrative exclusive picture deals…”He said he’d ‘struck gold’ in all ways and was going to keep hold of her for as long as he could.” One of his relatives has also stepped in to comment on the relationship. “All he wanted to do was get close enough for some special pictures. “But now he dare not lift a camera when he’s with her or she’ll rumble him and kick him out. “So instead he’s cleverly changed tack, says he’s planning a long-term relationship with Britney and that they have discussed marriage. “He is still wed so he knows he can’t do anything until there’s a divorce from his wife. He’s probably working on that already.”
And, of course, Britney is totally clueless:
Britney is apparently also convinced a new marriage will help her win back her children who are in the custody of her ex, Kevin Federline…”She’s been discussing all these wacky plans to reinvent her life and convince the courts she is a good mother. She has discussed in depth a fake death, moving abroad and even plastic surgery. It is scary to hear her romanticize about these insane plans. “She believes she could spend six months away and make a comeback as Britney the world’s best mother.”
I think it would be funny if Adnan dropped little clues for Britney, like wearing contact lenses with dollar signs on them or drawing pictures of himself sitting on a mountain of gold. Or instead of a wedding dress, he could dress her up as an ATM. So when Britney is under the couch looking for her wallet, it can be like a game!
The happy couple during a quiet trip to Rite-Aid and Macy’s this weekend, where Britney loses it on a pap using her new British accent at 4:15. Gee, I wonder how they knew Britney was going to be there?: