I don’t know what you expect me to say about Miranda Kerr that I haven’t said in the past 7 years already, but hey, you know how Tess Holliday really thinks she’s a model? That’s pretty funny. Anyway, here’s some Miranda Kerr sideboob and frontboob and just in general boob in a dress she wore that I think was made from a 3D printout of a dream I had.
You’re probably checking your corporate dress code to see if cotton-blend spandex is business casual since you ate like 250,000 calories this weekend because you secretly hate yourself, so here’s Miranda Kerr modeling the new WonderBra and basically being what your boyfriend or husband thinks about when she’s banging you while trying to avoid your face because it smells like gravy. Wait, what are you doing? That dress doesn’t fit anymore put it away. Stop making this worse on yourself. This is getting really embarrassing.
If you want to feel even worse, check the video after the jump.
If you’re still wondering why people pay Miranda Kerr to walk around in lingerie and be the face of their brands, please keep in mind that these are pictures of Miranda Kerr walking down the street. This is how she looks walking down the street. Do you look like this walking down the street? No. This is why you’re buying the products that she’s selling.
I’m almost positive that there’s a Korean mafia in Atlanta, because they are legit everywhere and own everything, so I see a bunch of Koreans pretty much everyday. I assume they are all from South Korea, because if they were from North Korea, I’m not sure if they would know that Atlanta existed. Anyway, there’s a lot of Korean chicks here, and none of them need/wear bras, so I don’t know why Miranda Kerr is in South Korea signing autographs for Wonderbra. Is there a big market for that on Korean eBay? Somebody let me know because I could use another revenue stream.
October is the start of Basic Bitch Month, so if you’re tired if seeing chicks in scarves and leggings and Uggs today posting on Facebook about how they’ve narrowed down their Halloween costume idea list they started in August, go ahead and look at these pictures of Miranda Kerr at Paris Fashion Week. It doesn’t look like she’s thinking about candles or getting salad dressing on the side, so that’s a plus.
I can't believe I'm asking this, but WHY HASN'T THIS HAPPENED BEFORE? I mean, this seems like it should be a regular occurence. The world doesn't make sense.
Two Australian billionaires apparently started punching each other in broad daylight last week when one confronted the other about dating Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr after leaving his wife and children last year. According to reports, billionaire Australian media moguls David Gyngell and James Packer ended up rolling around on a Sydney sidewalk last Sunday when Gyngell confronted Packer on the street outside his home. Gyngell, a childhood friend who also served as Packer's best man in 2007, was apparently concerned with the way Packer had been treating his estranged wife since their split. "He fully accepts that he was the instigator of the incident," a spokesman for Gyngell told the Daily News. "Clearly, had he not turned up at Packer's premises in an angry mood then the confrontation would never have occurred." The men had to be separated by their respective bodyguards and both were fined $500 for "offensive behavior." Packer walked away with a black eye but declined to press charges against his childhood friend.
Apparently one billionaire was mad at the other billionaire for dumping his wife and kids to go bang Miranda Kerr, and that's noble. But ask yourself, what's the point of being a billlionaire if you can't dump your wife and kids to go bang Miranda Kerr? Seriously, let's not make this a thing. It's pretty much the only reason men become billionaires. #STAYWOKE
One of the inherent dangers of constantly telling a woman that she's beautiful is, at some point, she'll believe it then think she can do pretty much anything. So, I feel like I'm partly to blame for Miranda Kerr releasing a duet single called, "You're The Boss" with some guy I don't know. Not that she sounds awful, but the song was recorded by Elvis Presley and Ann Margaret, so I'm sure it'll be a summer banger. She also calls the dude "Daddy" a bunch of times, and that's there's really nothing creepier than that except maybe a Bryan Singer voicemail.
Last week, Miranda Kerr almost broke the Internet after she said that she's ready to scissor now that she's single, but as it turns out, she's been wanting to go full on lesbian for a while. Like in this 2008 interview where she says she'd go gay for the Australian former model Megan Gale (here). Megan Gale is 5'11" and kinda looks like a dude, so if she really wanted to be a lesbian she should have stayed with Orlando Bloom, no? Am I missing somthing here? He looks like he has a drawer just for nail polish.
I don't know anybody who wears Reeboks that is still alive, so a good way to generate interest in your brand is to pay Miranda Kerr to wear your shoes and nothing else. I can see how that would work. Miranda Kerr could be in a commercial for penis reduction cream and I'd probably pause a few seconds before I submitted my order.
Yeah, so speaking of after parties, here's Miranda Kerr at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. When you're physical perfection you can pretty much wear anything, so let's all thank Miranda for deciding to wear this dress instead. Because, damn. When asked for comment, Orlando Bloom said, "I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL DO IT! DON'T COME IN ANY CLOSER! I MEAN IT! MIIIIRRAAAAANNNDDDAAAA!!!" But, Orlando. You have so much to live for, man. Wait, no you don't. They ran out of those Hobbit books. Sorry, bro.