Somebody Got Shot And Stabbed In The Eye At Miranda Kerr’s House
Somebody Got Shot And Stabbed In The Eye At Miranda Kerr’s House

 

An intruder tried to break into Miranda Kerr‘s Malibu house. She wasn’t at home because she was at this guy’s house. But it didn’t go well. It didn’t go well at all.

A brutal confrontation at Miranda Kerr’s Malibu home Friday morning has left 2 people hospitalized … 1 with multiple gunshot wounds and 1 with a stab wound to the eye. We’re told a security guard at the house confronted an intruder who had just hopped the fence. The intruder stabbed the guard in the eye, and the guard responded by shooting the intruder multiple times. We know 1 shot struck the intruder’s head. The intruder and the security guard were airlifted to the hospital and both are expected to survive.

We really need white people to start policing their own communities or we should ban them until we get this thing figured out. It’s becoming a problem. TMZ has actual pics from the scene if you wanna see them here. If I had been there, this would have totally ruined my erection.

 

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Orlando Bloom Gave Miranda Kerr The Heads Up Before His Dick Pic Came Out
Orlando Bloom Gave Miranda Kerr The Heads Up Before His Dick Pic Came Out


Remember when Orlando Bloom went on vacation with Katy Perry and was naked the whole time? Then he went paddleboarding with is dick hanging out (NSFW)? Yeah, so Miranda Kerr went on the The Kyle and Jackie O Show and talked about it. 

When asked what her response to the naked photos of Orlando was, Miranda explained, “Oh my God, he text me and was like ‘um, I’m really embarrassed, some photos are coming out, just thought I should let you know.’ And I was like, hmmm… right, what were you thinking? Seriously?!” 

I can’t understand why you’d have your dick swinging in the ocean. You don’t know what the fuck is down there. Luckily for Orland, whatever is down there probably wouldn’t be able to see it if he fell off the paddleboard. Also, my CMS keeps putting a red line under “paddleboard” like its spelled wrong when I know that’s so you spell it because I Googled it. Sorry. Little frustrating. Anyway, I’d be embarrassed if I was married to Miranda Kerr then thought I could get better than ended up with Katy Perry. Like what the fuck. You were an elf in a movie. Let’s get ahead of ourselves, buddy. 


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Miranda Kerr Is Probably Pregnant
Miranda Kerr Is Probably Pregnant


The end game of pretty much every model is to time her last call to model anything to coincide with getting pregnant by a billionaire to ensure a smooth financial transition. So, I’m gonna say Miranda Kerr and her boobs look pregnant here. They look huge. Or maybe I still don’t understand how bras work. She’s dating the guy who created Snapchat, so if she’s not pregnant, I’ll gladly take her place. I need a raise. I got bills, homie. Shit ain’t cheap. You know how many sacrifices you have to make when you eat lobster and truffles everyday? I barely have enough left over every month to fill up my private jet.


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Miranda Kerr Did The LOVE Advent
Miranda Kerr Did The LOVE Advent


I haven’t really been keeping up with the LOVE Advent thing, so somebody needs to tell me why love is in all caps, but when Miranda Kerr does something my penis kinda requires that I post it. I think if more churches used Miranda Kerr in lingerie to celebrate the coming of Christ’s birth, I’d probably donate to help one of them build a new stadium.



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Miranda Kerr Lit A Tree, Links

So, yeah, Charlie Sheen  [ The Superficial  ]

Watch Blindspot? The fake tattoos are poisoning the chick   [ Dlisted  ]

Lucy Aragon is topless on the beach  (NSFW)   [ Taxi Driver Movie  ]

Angels Undressed  is what you hope it is (NSFW)  [ The Nip Slip  ]

Gigi Hadid continues to be hot   [  DrunkenStepfather  ]

Laura Sammarco has a nice Instagram    [  Hollywood Tuna  ]

Jennifer Lawrence wore this dress    [ Moe Jackson ]

Ryan Gosling is gonna be in Bladerunner 2  [ The Blemish ]

Jessica Alba in a sports bra   [  Popoholic  ]

Irina Shayk in lingerie  [ Celebslam ]

Lizzy Caplan and a sheet   [  Egotastic  ]

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Miranda Kerr Is Naked In The Shower
 

A video posted by KORA Organics (@koraorganics) on



 Miranda Kerr is dating a billionaire, so it’s your guess as to why she’s selling body wash on Instagram. I’m sure she has a good reason. Maybe because she looks like Miranda Kerr and can make money by standing in a shower with a bottle of body wash. Or maybe this is a product she’s passionate about. We don’t know. Everybody has their thing. Posting this video I guess is my thing.


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Miranda Kerr Is Answered Prayers

Hey, remember what I said in that last post? Yeah, apparently Anna Duggar has been praying for the wrong thing. Thanks, Anna. I owe you one, because Miranda Kerr wore this to Milan Fashion Week yesterday. To anybody out there wondering if you should get into coding, this is what being a CEO of a startup buys you until Taylor Swift tries to cockblock you. Also, why is Facebook down? The Pope should have blessed it while he was up there.

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Taylor Swift Has Started Some Drama With Miranda Kerr Now
Taylor Swift Has Started Some Drama With Miranda Kerr Now


Miranda Kerr is dating Evan Spiegel, the billionaire CEO and co-founder of Snapchat, and since 2 out of 4 white men in America and Europe have dated Taylor Swift, Spiegel apparently had a fling with Swift then dumped her via text. Taylor Swift called Miranda Kerr to let her know that.

(more…)

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Miranda Kerr Wore This To Cannes

I don’t know what you expect me to say about Miranda Kerr that I haven’t said in the past 7 years already, but hey, you know how Tess Holliday really thinks she’s a model? That’s pretty funny. Anyway, here’s some Miranda Kerr sideboob and frontboob and just in general boob in a dress she wore that I think was made from a 3D printout of a dream I had.

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