Why?

 

For some reason, the CDC and Obama haven’t shut down flights to stop on Miley Cyrus‘ Bangerz tour, because it’s all part of a plan to cause mass panic and institute martial law, so the world will be infected with Miley Cyrus’ music and socialist Illumnati space lizards can make money off the vaccine while taking your guns and freedoms. See? That’s how stupid you sound on Facebook right now.

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Please Give Miley Cyrus Some Attention, You Guys
Please Give Miley Cyrus Some Attention, You Guys

 

I don’t know why Miley Cyrus chose alien faces to cover her boobs (can we call them boobs?), because I don’t think they would ever abduct her. They probably couldn’t listen to her talk for more than 5 minutes without blowing the world up or harvesting us all for food, forcing someone to make one last Facebook post saying it was all Obama’s fault. Anyway, Miley Cyrus is pretty gross and manufactured ratchet, but she’s under the impression that she’s hot for some reason and sincerely wants you to believe that as well.  Still not sure about the alien heads. Maybe Wayne Coyne is giving her too much LSD.

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Miley Cyrus Really Needs Attention, You Guys
Miley Cyrus Really Needs Attention, You Guys

 

We’ve gone through like four rounds of The Fappening, and Miley Cyrus hasn’t even been mentioned even though she’s changed her iCloud password to “flower” then “password”. Nobody wants to seem to go through the trouble of hacking her stuff, because we kinda already know what she’s working with and what she’s working with is just body parts that kinda resemble female human anatomy that have been manipulated by Nazi interspecies experiments. She’s pretty gross. But since she was a star at 12 or whatever, her ego and sense of entitlement is bigger than her ass, so she thinks she’s hot. So she takes topless selfie pics in the shower. Unclear if this is supposed to be sexy or this is part of an NFL anti-domestic violence ad.

 

pic source = Instagram

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Mexico Is After Miley Cyrus
Mexico Is After Miley Cyrus

 

I know that one of the big things people want to do right now is build an Israel World War Z wall around our borders, because all those Mexicans are coming over here with their hard work ethic trying to live the fictional American dream and stealing all the jobs that American’s think they’re too good to do, so it’s always good when we can find something in common with a perceived enemy so we can start an open, productive dialogue. Like extreme, hypersensitivity over a pieces of nationalism you can buy at Wal-Mart.

Miley Cyrus could go to jail for getting her ass whipped on stage … with a Mexican flag. Miley was performing Tuesday night in Monterrey, Mexico when one of her dancers whipped her prosthetic butt with a Mexican flag. Apparently Mexican officials are super sensitive about disrespecting national symbols so the congress of the state of Nuevo Leon wants her prosecuted. The crime of desecration carries a $1,200 fine and a 36 hour jail sentence. It wouldn’t be the first time a singer crossed the line south of the border. Paulina Rubio was fined $4K for appearing naked in a mag … draped in a Mexican flag.

I really hope they punish her to the fullest extent of the law, because flags are only to be used to plant in the ground after you’ve slaughtered all the people who used to live in the place where you’re sticking the flag or as a folded souvenir to give to a person’s mom who volunteered to get blown up by a IED for $26,000 a year. But hitting somebody in the ass with it? Now that’s just obscene.

 

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Calm Yourself, Miley
Calm Yourself, Miley

 

I don’t have the kind of degree that’s able to diagnose what kind of psychosis Miley Cyrus has, but whatever it is, she really, really, really wants all of us to see her naked. Why? Not entirely sure. I mean, we’ve all seen what she’s working with, right? Looks like something you’d see on the floor at a chicken processing plant. You wouldn’t want to eat that either.

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Miley Cyrus Wishes She Used iCloud
Miley Cyrus Wishes She Used iCloud

 

A week after basically anyone remotely famous who had tit pics on iCloud got hacked for all the world to see, Miley Cyrus posted an Instagram video of her ass then wore pasties Alexander Wang’s NYFW after-party. Like, does her father not hug her enough? Or maybe he hugs her too much. She was born into a nice Christian family, what happened? Is it because we took God out of schools? Also, how did that go down? Did God have to be forcibly removed or did he go quietly? I’d expect God to make a pretty big scene when he’s asked to stop loitering. And it’s weird that you have to pray in the place where you want God to show up. You’d think he would have transcended beyond being just an Uber app by now.

 

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Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V
Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V

 

To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked for another reason. Unclear what that reason might be, because she’s unattractive.

 

Miley Cyrus V Magazine

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Miley Cyrus’ Not Really Homeless Friend Turned Himself In
Miley Cyrus’ Not Really Homeless Friend Turned Himself In

 

Jesse Helt, the not homeless guy who accepted Miley Cyrus’ award at last weekend’s MTV VMAs, was discovered to have ourstanding warrants in Oregon. He doesn’t anymore.

Jesse Helt, 22, who delivered an impassioned speech about surviving in shelters and being “an extra in your life” while accepting Cryus’ award at the star-studded show on Aug. 24, walked into Polk County Jail in Dallas, Oregon, with an attorney just before 8 p.m., and was released at around 8:50 p.m. after paying $2,500 bond on a $25,000 bail, a jail official told NBC News. Helt was wanted for violating the terms of his probation in Oregon. He was put on probation after serving a brief jail stint for a drug-related burglary attempt in 2010, and then failing to report to a probation officer, officials said.

Jesse Helt was homeless because he moved to LA to become a model, but didn’t want to bartend or wait tables like everybody else who lives in LA, so please remember how this all started. So I think he pretty much blew his chance, because in 2014, you can get a modeling contract solely based on your mugshot. Why can Polk County have a Bearcat, but not a camera with a higher pixelation?  Where is the passion? Where is the steely gaze? To be honest, he wasn’t bringing it.

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Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Dude Has Outstanding Warrants
Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Dude Has Outstanding Warrants

 

By now, we’ve all heard the heartwarming story about how Miley Cyrus was browsing H&M’s website and found a homeless guy to accompany her to the 2014 MTV VMAs, because she needed a different prop besides Robin Thicke and a sexually assaulted teddy bear to make people forget the last time she was there.  The dude gave an emotional speech about teen homelessness, but forgot to give a shout out to his probation officer.

Miley Cyrus introduced the world to Jesse Helt when he accepted her MTV VMA for Video of the Year on her behalf over the weekend, but now more information about the homeless youth is being revealed. E! News has learned that there is a warrant out for the arrest of the Salem, Ore., native for violation of probation, stemming from previous charges including criminal trespassing and criminal mischief. He was also charged with burglary after a 2010 incident where he attempted to break into an apartment. According to recent court documents, Helt violated his probation on numerous occasions after failing to take a drug test, failing to report to his probation officer, breaching his curfew, not finishing his community service hours and more.

The media has done a great job of painting Jesse Helt as a helpless youth down on his luck who was saved by Miley Cyrus, but please keep in mind, this is a violent criminal and drug addict with an extensive record who is on the run from the authorities. The only way to prevent further victims of this man’s criminal activity is to shoot him immediately. At least 11 times. Anything less than 11 wouldn’t be sufficient justice for those he has permanently damaged with his criminal mischief and burglary or what have you. Doesn’t matter. He has a criminal record. Ask yourself, do you feel safe with this man walking the streets? I mean, like he literally walks the streets because he’s homeless.

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Miley Cyrus Is Making A 5 Foot Bong

 

If the Michael Brown toxicology report has taught us anything, it’s that marijuana makes you a wild, dangerous animal ready to charge at an armed police officer without notice or warning. It makes you impervious to pain, so the police have no choice to shoot you three times in the face from 35-feet away. So obviously, it’s only a matter of time before Miley Cyrus finishes making this bong and start terrorizing the residents of Toluca Lake with her superhuman strength. Stay tuned to Twitchy for more details on this story as it develops.

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