Calm Yourself, Miley
Calm Yourself, Miley

 

I don’t have the kind of degree that’s able to diagnose what kind of psychosis Miley Cyrus has, but whatever it is, she really, really, really wants all of us to see her naked. Why? Not entirely sure. I mean, we’ve all seen what she’s working with, right? Looks like something you’d see on the floor at a chicken processing plant. You wouldn’t want to eat that either.

Related Posts:

Tags:
Miley Cyrus Wishes She Used iCloud
Miley Cyrus Wishes She Used iCloud

 

A week after basically anyone remotely famous who had tit pics on iCloud got hacked for all the world to see, Miley Cyrus posted an Instagram video of her ass then wore pasties Alexander Wang’s NYFW after-party. Like, does her father not hug her enough? Or maybe he hugs her too much. She was born into a nice Christian family, what happened? Is it because we took God out of schools? Also, how did that go down? Did God have to be forcibly removed or did he go quietly? I’d expect God to make a pretty big scene when he’s asked to stop loitering. And it’s weird that you have to pray in the place where you want God to show up. You’d think he would have transcended beyond being just an Uber app by now.

 

Related Posts:

Tags:
Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V
Miley Cyrus Is Naked For V

 

To raise awareness for teen homelessness, Miley Cyrus is naked in the upcoming issue of V Magazine. No, sorry. That’s incorrect. She’s not naked for that reason. She’s naked for another reason. Unclear what that reason might be, because she’s unattractive.

 

Miley Cyrus V Magazine

Related Posts:

Tags:
Miley Cyrus’ Not Really Homeless Friend Turned Himself In
Miley Cyrus’ Not Really Homeless Friend Turned Himself In

 

Jesse Helt, the not homeless guy who accepted Miley Cyrus’ award at last weekend’s MTV VMAs, was discovered to have ourstanding warrants in Oregon. He doesn’t anymore.

Jesse Helt, 22, who delivered an impassioned speech about surviving in shelters and being “an extra in your life” while accepting Cryus’ award at the star-studded show on Aug. 24, walked into Polk County Jail in Dallas, Oregon, with an attorney just before 8 p.m., and was released at around 8:50 p.m. after paying $2,500 bond on a $25,000 bail, a jail official told NBC News. Helt was wanted for violating the terms of his probation in Oregon. He was put on probation after serving a brief jail stint for a drug-related burglary attempt in 2010, and then failing to report to a probation officer, officials said.

Jesse Helt was homeless because he moved to LA to become a model, but didn’t want to bartend or wait tables like everybody else who lives in LA, so please remember how this all started. So I think he pretty much blew his chance, because in 2014, you can get a modeling contract solely based on your mugshot. Why can Polk County have a Bearcat, but not a camera with a higher pixelation?  Where is the passion? Where is the steely gaze? To be honest, he wasn’t bringing it.

Related Posts:

Tags: ,
Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Dude Has Outstanding Warrants
Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Dude Has Outstanding Warrants

 

By now, we’ve all heard the heartwarming story about how Miley Cyrus was browsing H&M’s website and found a homeless guy to accompany her to the 2014 MTV VMAs, because she needed a different prop besides Robin Thicke and a sexually assaulted teddy bear to make people forget the last time she was there.  The dude gave an emotional speech about teen homelessness, but forgot to give a shout out to his probation officer.

Miley Cyrus introduced the world to Jesse Helt when he accepted her MTV VMA for Video of the Year on her behalf over the weekend, but now more information about the homeless youth is being revealed. E! News has learned that there is a warrant out for the arrest of the Salem, Ore., native for violation of probation, stemming from previous charges including criminal trespassing and criminal mischief. He was also charged with burglary after a 2010 incident where he attempted to break into an apartment. According to recent court documents, Helt violated his probation on numerous occasions after failing to take a drug test, failing to report to his probation officer, breaching his curfew, not finishing his community service hours and more.

The media has done a great job of painting Jesse Helt as a helpless youth down on his luck who was saved by Miley Cyrus, but please keep in mind, this is a violent criminal and drug addict with an extensive record who is on the run from the authorities. The only way to prevent further victims of this man’s criminal activity is to shoot him immediately. At least 11 times. Anything less than 11 wouldn’t be sufficient justice for those he has permanently damaged with his criminal mischief and burglary or what have you. Doesn’t matter. He has a criminal record. Ask yourself, do you feel safe with this man walking the streets? I mean, like he literally walks the streets because he’s homeless.

Related Posts:

Tags: ,
Miley Cyrus Is Making A 5 Foot Bong

 

If the Michael Brown toxicology report has taught us anything, it’s that marijuana makes you a wild, dangerous animal ready to charge at an armed police officer without notice or warning. It makes you impervious to pain, so the police have no choice to shoot you three times in the face from 35-feet away. So obviously, it’s only a matter of time before Miley Cyrus finishes making this bong and start terrorizing the residents of Toluca Lake with her superhuman strength. Stay tuned to Twitchy for more details on this story as it develops.

Related Posts:

Tags:
Miley Cyrus Has No Chill
Miley Cyrus Has No Chill

 

Miley Cyrus has worked  really hard, albeit unsuccessfully, to rebrand herself as a badass/rebel/rapper/feminist, but she is, and always will be, a born rich daddy’s girl who, up until recently, was collecting a weekly check from Disney and residuals from her face on 3rd-graders’ backpacks.  So let’s not pretend what Miley has been doing isn’t what millions of white girls do who have a freshman year of college instead. Because sometimes reality hits and they find out that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Take it away, Life & Style!

“It was like a tornado hit the lobby. Miley and her posse took over, screaming and carrying on so much that management received a number of complaints.” And the insider explains hotel guests and staff were appalled to see someone in the group was smoking pot. “It was the kind of bad behavior you’d expect from a bunch of juvenile delinquents,” the insider adds…But when management tried to nicely ask Miley to tone things down the “We Can’t Stop” singer had a public meltdown. “She started screaming at them and saying that she’s spent so much money there that they should be glad to have her,the insider says. “She basically threw a tantrum and acted like a spoiled brat.”

In 2009, Miley Cyrus was singing a song about facing your challenges with a climbing metaphor, now she’s on stage with giant, inflatable dicks and pretending to lick drag queens assholes. Not sure if she knew in 2009 that was what would be waiting for her on the other side, but I guess that’s why she does a bunch of drugs and stuff.

Related Posts:

Tags:
Oh, Miley. Poor, Poor Miley
Oh, Miley. Poor, Poor Miley

 

 

Miley Cyrus does a lot of drugs now, but if she smoked more weed, she might have understood that photoshopping Nicki Minaj‘s ass on herself then making it white might not be the best idea. I realize it’s fun to pretend since Miley’s actual ass looks like dead chicken skin stretched over a brick, which in turn, further proves Minaj’s post here. Anyway, I just realized I’m writing a post about Miley Cyrus where I defend Nicki Minaj. Not today, Monday. Not today.

 

Related Posts:

Tags: ,
Miley Cyrus Is Topless In The Desert
Miley Cyrus Is Topless In The Desert

 

This weekend there was an Internet hoax thing that said Miley Cyrus was dead. Turns out she’s not dead, she’s just topless in the desert wearing booty shorts. I think the hoax was supposed to say her booty was dead. Get it? Because she has a flat ass. I crack myself up!

 

http://instagram.com/p/qvJU5iwzMI/?modal=true

Related Posts:

Tags: