The Critics Choice Awards Happened

Another awards show that doesn’t matter happened, and people were there.

Mila Kunis was there and looked better and happier than that other chick in that ballerina movie with her. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t have to pretend to enjoy sex with Macaulay Culkin anymore.

Oh yeah, Natalie Portman. She looks so thrilled and grateful to be there! I bet she’s just busy thinking about all the nominations she’ll get for her next movie. You know, the one with Ashton Kutcher.
I was going to make a cheap joke about Kim Kardashian‘s dress matching Todd’s skin, but sweet mother. What the Hell happened to her face? She went from looking like Princess Jasmine to something that Sigourney Weaver would kill in a movie.
I can’t figure out why Amber Rose was there considering she was only famous for having sex with a gay fish. She looks like she’s from another planet. A planet where they have vaginas in their armpits.
For someone whose job it is to emote, it looks really difficult for Nicole Kidman. Is it too much Botox? Marrying too many closeted gay men in rapid succession? Gas?
Eva Mendes showed up because she shows up to everything. Are critics still honoring her work in The Spirit and Hitch?

Mandy Moore used to be famous for being that popstar who wasn’t Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, or Jessica Simpson. Now she’s famous for voiceover work and apparently being a fucking Amazon.

Khloe Kardashian escaped Skull Island in time to make it, but had to fashion her own dress from her lunch on the way.

Keri Hilson has a song called “Pretty Girl Rock” in which she begs you, “Don’t hate me ’cause I’m beautiful!” I know, it’s hard. But from the neck up, don’t worry–I’m sure everyone really likes you.

Sofia Vergara was there because, well, look at her. She wins at everything forever.


Michelle Williams
was supporting Blue Valentine, in which she gets to have sex with Ryan Gosling. If I didn’t do my research I’d assume she was there for her lead role in The Kids Are All Right or a women’s prison film.

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Ryan Gosling Is Banging This

Our condolences to The Superficial. E! Online reports:

So, after Blake Lively and Ryan Gosling’s affectionate night out together at the Blue Valentine afterparty, many of you are dying to know what is up with this smoldering duo.

“They’ve been out a few times and are definitely into each other, but I don’t think it’s super serious or anything right now,” quips a bud close to Gosling. “Yeah, they’re casually dating, but I could see it becoming more.

“Ryan has been out with a few girls over the past couple of months,” dishes our insider, noting how after Blake and Ryan’s Disneyland rendezvous they both headed back to work.

Congrats to them both for upgrading from Penn Badgley (who?) and from Michelle Williams, who’s gearing up to play Marilyn Monroe, because apparently neither Betty White nor Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse were available.

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Heath Ledger is Closed



After almost eight months of finding nothing, the federal investigation into Heath Ledger’s death has been officially closed. Mary-Kate Olsen was reportedly set to be subpoenaed later this month, but the U.S. Attorney’s office apparently saw enough of the DEA going around the country interviewing models and actresses over an accidental overdose and shut the entire investigation down. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the Heath Ledger investigation say the Drug Enforcement Administration set a new low for starfucking. People who have talked to TMZ off the record are now willing to go on record — still anonymously — about one of the most bizarre DEA power grabs ever. How’s this for starters … no one we’ve spoken with connected with the case can point to a single DEA case where a massive investigation was launched over an accidental death in which no criminality was even hinted at. We know the DEA went all over the country, in one case tracking down a guy in California who smoked a joint with Ledger in the ’90s, telling him he had to testify in a Grand Jury probe. And how’s this for chutzpah … the DEA told the guy he would have to pay his own way to NYC to testify before the Grand Jury!…We know the NYPD was furious at the DEA for making an immediate power grab to control what should have been a simple case. NYPD cops felt “humiliated” by what one source called “utter disrespect” on the part of the DEA. As for the U.S. Attorney’s office, we’re told officials say they were appalled at what they felt was a “bogus” investigation.”

Well, I guess you can’t really blame the DEA for wanting to interview Michelle Williams and Helena Christensen. Because, you know, it’s always good to question people who have absolutely nothing to do with the victim at the time of his death. Instead of these two, the DEA should have interviewed my neighbor’s cats. Although in the DEA’s defense, my neighbor’s cats don’t have nice tits.

Mary-Kate Olsen last month:

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Mary-Kate Olsen Wants Immunity



New York Post is reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen is refusing to speak with federal investigators as part of their probe into Heath Ledger’s death without being first granted immunity from prosecution. During the initial investigation, the NYPD didn’t interview Olsen although her masseuse found Ledger’s body, and instead of calling 911 when she got the call from her masseuse, Olsen told her bodyguards to go Ledger’s apartment. Yeah, the feds want to know that the fuck was up with that.

The actress’ lawyer has repeatedly rebuffed attempts by the feds to question Olsen, who was the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his SoHo apartment in January. Frustrated federal officials could obtain a grand-jury subpoena to compel the funky “Full House” actress to tell them whatever she knows about the “Dark Knight” star’s behavior, his possible drug use and the events of that fateful morning, according to sources.”

The crux of the federal investigation is exactly how Ledger obtained the OxyContin found in his room without a prescription. Everyone has been cooperative, except for Olsen:

Ms. [Michelle] Williams was extremely nice and cooperative,” a source said. Another added, “Everyone has been very eager to help, saying what a great guy Heath Ledger was, everyone except Mary-Kate, who has refused to speak.” That source explained that Olsen would be the final witness they need to conclude their investigation into where he got his drugs and medicines. Ledger – whose performance as the Joker in “The Dark Knight” has ignited Oscar buzz – died of a potent cocktail of prescription drugs and OxyContin, the latter of which was likely obtained illegally.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, but if you’re running short on OxyContin, you could have worse ideas than calling Mary-Kate Olsen. That is of course if her role of “tampon” in the women’s prison play doesn’t create any scheduling conflicts.

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Michelle Williams Has Moved On



Seven months after Heath Ledger’s untimely death, his former fiancee, Michelle Williams, is now reportedly dating director Spike Jonze, Star Magazine says in a exclusive.

Devastated by the death of her ex, Heath Ledger, last January, Michelle has been struggling to start anew for the sake of their 2-year-old daughter, Matilda. And part of this is beginning a relationship with the director, who once dated Drew Barrymore and was previously married to Sofia Coppola. “Michelle kissed Spike with a closed mouth on the corner of his lips,” says an eyewitness who saw the couple together the morning of July 2 leaving Spike’s Manhattan apartment. “There was definitely a little bit of caressing going on. She was clutching his arm. The body language was very romantic.”

Sources close to this story say that Michelle Williams is head over heels and thinks Jonze has many admirable qualities. Qualities such as “funny,” “smart,” and “not dead.”

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Michelle Williams Speaks



In her first public comments since the death of her former fiance, Heath Ledger, Michelle Williams released the following statement today:

Please respect our need to grieve privately. My heart is broken. I am the mother of the most tender-hearted, high-spirited, beautiful little girl who is the spitting image of her father. All that I can cling to is his presence inside her that reveals itself every day. His family and I watch Matilda as she whispers to trees, hugs animals, and takes steps two at a time and we know that he is with us still. She will be brought up with the best memories of him.”

Wow, that’s pretty sad. But have you heard that Paige Davis is coming back to Trading Spaces? Oh yeah, I know! That’s totally what I said!

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Heath Ledger is The Joker – Chapter 2



Here’s what AICN is claiming to be (ahem) Heath Ledger as The Joker in a leaked Warner Bros. makeup test for the upcoming film, The Dark Knight. I guess this would be scary if you were five, but Heath Ledger is Emo Joker. The Joker is supposed to like killing for fun, not My Chemical Romance and writing in his journal.

Heath’s wife, Michelle Williams, last month:

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