Michelle Bachmann Has Dropped Out

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Republican Presidential hopeful and grinning sociopath in a pantsuit, Michelle Bachmann, has endedsuspended her campaign after finishing 6th in last night’s Iowa Caucus. See ya, bitch. THR reports:

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann will suspend her campaign following a bleak run at the Iowa caucuses, she announced in a press conference Wednesday morning. “I have decided to step aside,” she said, flanked by husband Marcus Bachmann. “I will forever be gratetul to the state (of Iowa), and its people,” noted the conservative Minnesota congresswoman, saying that she would “continue fighting to (defeat) Obama’s agenda of socialism.” Bachmann, who placed sixth in Tuesday night’s results, told supporters afterward that she would remain in the race, extoling her conservative credentials to battle President Obama. But Bachmann lost momentum after winning Iowa’s GOP straw poll last summer. In an interview with CNN’s Soledad O’Brien ahead of the caucuses, she remained positive: “If you’re looking just at the shift of the last five days, that’s one thing. I have over 200 pastors that came out to endorse me. They’re very influential in their communities and their congregations — and I think that we’re going to see a real surprise in the polls tonight with a depth of support that people didn’t recognize was there.”

So, just like with everything, Michelle Bachmann thought Jesus would save the day because like omg guys over 200 pastors came forward to endorse her and stuff. Bro, they totes did. Also, Constitution. Taxes. Obamacare. Babies and shit. Blah blah blah. On the brightside, she has more time to spend with her gay husband in his clinic trying to help people not be gay like him. That’s probably something else God told her to do. Oh, that God! Always the jokester!

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Jimmy Fallon Apologized To Michelle Bachmann, Threw Questlove Under The Bus

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Questlove, drummer for the Grammy Award-winning band The Roots, which is now the in-house band for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, always manages to find the perfect intro song for every guest on the show. So naturally, he picked Fishbone’s 1985 “Lyin’ Ass Bitch” when raving lunaticPresidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann made an appearance Monday night. That apparently hurt her feelings. Then Jimmy Fallon got on his knees in front of Michelle Bachmann and NBC. Radar Online reports:

Late night funnyman Jimmy Fallon apologized Tuesday to Rep. Michele Bachmann after his band serenaded her with Fishbone’s 1985 track “Lyin’ A** B****” in her appearance on the show Monday. “I’m honored that @michelebachmann was on our show yesterday and I’m so sorry about the intro mess,” he tweeted. “I really hope she comes back.”

But don’t worry, guys. It was the black guy’s fault.

Fallon was unaware the band would be playing the track; bandleader/drummer Ahmir “Questlove” Thompson summed up his song selection about the Republican presidential hopeful as “a tongue-in-cheek and spur of the moment decision. “The show was not aware of it and I feel bad if her feelings were hurt,” Questlove, a noted supporter of Pres. Barack Obama, said in a statement. “That was not my intention.” Fallon later tweeted “@Questlove is grounded.”

Whatever. Fuck her. She has no business being a candidate for anything except euthanasia. I’m not going to sit here and say Jimmy Fallon didn’t know about the song choice ahead of time, but he probably knew about the song choice ahead of time and was perfectly okay with it. Since, you know, it’s his show and all. But since Michelle Bachmann threw a hissy fit, he had to give her a handjob and publicly chastise one of the main reasons people watch his lame show in the first place. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that Jimmy Fallon is a pussy and apparently there’s not any actual jokes in this post. I mean, except for Michelle Bachmann, but that doesn’t really count I guess.

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