Matt Lauer Is A Sexual Deviant, Really Sorry
Matt Lauer Is A Sexual Deviant, Really Sorry


When we woke up yesterday, we found out that Matt Lauer had been fired by NBC for “inappropriate sexual behavior“. That was definitely one way to say it. Another way to say it, was what we found out when a Variety article dropped yesterday afternoon. We learned that Lauer liked to pull his dick out. We learned that Lauer liked sending random staffers dildos and telling them how he’d like to use it on them. We learned that Lauer had a button in his office that locked women inside. We learned that NBC was cool for it for a while because Today had great ratings. This morning, Matt Lauer is really sorry.



Here’s the full transcript if you haven’t pivoted to video yet:

“There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry. As I am writing this I realize the depth of the damage and disappoint I have left behind at home and at NBC. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish deeply,” the former Today anchor wrote. “Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I am committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full-time job.” Lauer, who was fired from NBC News after a swift internal investigation, added, “The last two days have forced me to take very hard look at my own troubling flaws. It’s been humbling. I am blessed to be surrounded by people I love. I thank them for their patience and grace.”

Basically, as it always goes with these apologies, he’s just sorry he got caught and is said he can’t hit his rape button and show young woman trying to do her job a dildo. But like, imagine having a rape button and thinking you’re cool and everyone in the office loves you. Wild.

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NBC Fired Matt Lauer For “Inappropriate Sexual Behavior” This Morning
NBC Fired Matt Lauer For “Inappropriate Sexual Behavior” This Morning


Matt Lauer didn’t get fired on his day off, he got fired live on the air this morning on Today for “inappropriate sexual misconduct.” NBC does not play that shit.


Apparently,  Lauer sexually assaulted an NBC staffer during the Sochi Winter Olympics in 2014. Per Page Six:

An NBC insider said Lauer’s alleged victim complained to HR on Monday: “This happened so quickly. She didn’t go to the media, she made a complaint to NBC’s human resources, and her evidence was so compelling that Matt was fired on Tuesday night. The victim says she has evidence that this has also happened to other women, but so far we don’t have evidence of that.”

Like, how hard is it to keep your damn hands to yourself? Honestly? If you’re not dating a chick or if she’s never been cool with you grabbing her ass before then, don’t grab it. It’s really not that difficult. Go home and jerk off like the rest of us. I’ll wait to fully congratulate NBC, because they still might hire Al Franken as Lauer’s replacement.


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Gwyneth Paltrow Was Voted The Most Hated Celebrity In Hollywood

In a poll conducted by Star Magazine, Gwyneth Paltrow was named the Most Hated Celebrity. Why? Because she's completely hateable and an overall vile and pretentious human being who would probably kill herself if she if somebody showed her a picture of a Taco Bell. Anyway, here's the rest of the Top 10.

1. Gwyneth Paltrow
2. Kristen Stewart
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. John Mayer
5. Katherine Heigl
6. Matt Lauer
7. Madonna
8. Justin Bieber
9. Anne Hathaway
10. Kris Jenner

Not sure why Chris Brown or Tom Hanks aren't ranked higher. Especially Tom Hanks. I read a story last week that said he has a farm where he makes Cambodian orphans drown puppies. It was pretty terrible.


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Lindsay Lohan Did Another With Matt Lauer

Since she was cracked out of her damn skull in her last interview with Matt Lauer, Lindsay Lohan will be back on Today again tomorrow morning to face tough, hard-hitting questions haha I meant a complete fluff piece to promote her SNL appearance that should have ended with Matt Lauer and Lindsay making s’mores. Today reports:

If she was in denial in her last interview with Matt Lauer:
“Definitely. And I think it was — it’s a scary thing to have to kind of express to people … I wasn’t as comfortable with myself then. I think it was a fear factor that I had about what was really going on. And, you know, I had to get that wakeup call.”

On nightlife and parties:
“That’s not my thing anymore. I went out, actually, a few months ago with a friend. And I was so uncomfortable. Not because I felt tempted, just because it was just the same thing that it always was before. And it just wasn’t fun for me. I’ve become more of a homebody. And I like that.”

On whether people trust her to work with her:
“I think that that’s gonna take — I think that takes time,” Lohan said. “And I think that it’s actions. Because people can say things all they want, but I think I still need to go through the process of proving myself, you know, with ‘SNL,’ being on time, being, you know, keeping my — can’t say the word — but stuff together.”

On playing Elizabeth Taylor:
“We’re in the middle of casting and figuring — we start production soon,” Lohan said. “I’ve been doing tons of research. But I’ve always kind of researched her. She’s always been a fascinating woman to me. So I’m really honored. And I will not let anyone down, especially myself.”

People shouldn’t be scared of drug-addicted maniac klepto:
“I don’t want people to have that reason to be scared anymore. So being able to have this opportunity with ‘SNL’ and the film, I’m gonna do what I’m supposed to do, and enjoy doing it, and do it as best as I can.”

So exactly how long has Lindsay been saying the same exact thing now? Four years? Five? She’s learned her lesson, she wants to get back to work, she wants to change people’s perception, blah blah blah. Can’t she just go get high and take a nice bath at the Beverly Hills Hotel and get it over with already? I don’t feel like that’s asking too much.

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Kanye West Is Calm, Mentally Stable

Kanye West went on the Today Show this morning to discuss and sorta kinda apologize for his comments directed at George Bush during Hurricane Katrina. He was contrite, lucid, and made some pretty good points. Then Matt Lauer played a clip of Taylor Swift. I don’t know if Matt Lauer put him down for a nap or put him in timeout or what, because the video ends before the temper tantrum does.

Taylor Swift at the 44th Annual CMAs:

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