Heath Ledger is Closed

After almost eight months of finding nothing, the federal investigation into Heath Ledger’s death has been officially closed. Mary-Kate Olsen was reportedly set to be subpoenaed later this month, but the U.S. Attorney’s office apparently saw enough of the DEA going around the country interviewing models and actresses over an accidental overdose and shut the entire investigation down. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the Heath Ledger investigation say the Drug Enforcement Administration set a new low for starfucking. People who have talked to TMZ off the record are now willing to go on record — still anonymously — about one of the most bizarre DEA power grabs ever. How’s this for starters … no one we’ve spoken with connected with the case can point to a single DEA case where a massive investigation was launched over an accidental death in which no criminality was even hinted at. We know the DEA went all over the country, in one case tracking down a guy in California who smoked a joint with Ledger in the ’90s, telling him he had to testify in a Grand Jury probe. And how’s this for chutzpah … the DEA told the guy he would have to pay his own way to NYC to testify before the Grand Jury!…We know the NYPD was furious at the DEA for making an immediate power grab to control what should have been a simple case. NYPD cops felt “humiliated” by what one source called “utter disrespect” on the part of the DEA. As for the U.S. Attorney’s office, we’re told officials say they were appalled at what they felt was a “bogus” investigation.”

Well, I guess you can’t really blame the DEA for wanting to interview Michelle Williams and Helena Christensen. Because, you know, it’s always good to question people who have absolutely nothing to do with the victim at the time of his death. Instead of these two, the DEA should have interviewed my neighbor’s cats. Although in the DEA’s defense, my neighbor’s cats don’t have nice tits.

Mary-Kate Olsen last month:

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Mary-Kate Olsen Wants Immunity

New York Post is reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen is refusing to speak with federal investigators as part of their probe into Heath Ledger’s death without being first granted immunity from prosecution. During the initial investigation, the NYPD didn’t interview Olsen although her masseuse found Ledger’s body, and instead of calling 911 when she got the call from her masseuse, Olsen told her bodyguards to go Ledger’s apartment. Yeah, the feds want to know that the fuck was up with that.

The actress’ lawyer has repeatedly rebuffed attempts by the feds to question Olsen, who was the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his SoHo apartment in January. Frustrated federal officials could obtain a grand-jury subpoena to compel the funky “Full House” actress to tell them whatever she knows about the “Dark Knight” star’s behavior, his possible drug use and the events of that fateful morning, according to sources.”

The crux of the federal investigation is exactly how Ledger obtained the OxyContin found in his room without a prescription. Everyone has been cooperative, except for Olsen:

Ms. [Michelle] Williams was extremely nice and cooperative,” a source said. Another added, “Everyone has been very eager to help, saying what a great guy Heath Ledger was, everyone except Mary-Kate, who has refused to speak.” That source explained that Olsen would be the final witness they need to conclude their investigation into where he got his drugs and medicines. Ledger – whose performance as the Joker in “The Dark Knight” has ignited Oscar buzz – died of a potent cocktail of prescription drugs and OxyContin, the latter of which was likely obtained illegally.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, but if you’re running short on OxyContin, you could have worse ideas than calling Mary-Kate Olsen. That is of course if her role of “tampon” in the women’s prison play doesn’t create any scheduling conflicts.

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Mary-Kate Olsen and Nicole Richie Party Hard

We’re not sure whose house this is or what the hell is going on, but here’s Mary-Kate Olsen, Joel Madden, Nicole Richie, and other random fugliness at some lame house/birthday/flannel/whatever party. Whatever it is, it looks pretty hot, because nothing says hardcore like a pinata. Maybe next time they can get a bouncy house or hire a clown to make balloon animals. Ooh, ooh, or balloon hats! I love those!

Photo credit: ONTD

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Mary-Kate Olsen Has a New Boyfriend

Although her boyfriend overdosed just over a month ago, Mary-Kate Olsen is now reportedly dating “Italian Playboy”, Lapo Elkann (this smooth operator). Famous for being the heir to the $7.3 billion Fiat fortune, Elkann also spent three months in a coma after a cocaine and heroin overdose in the home of a transsexual in 2005. Star Magazine says:

Mary-Kate and Lapo seemed very cozy” while sitting next to each other at the Giambattista Valli fashion show on Feb. 28, says a source. “Lapo’s a good-looking guy, and Mary-Kate seemed to love the attention she was getting from him.” MK, 21, and Lapo, 30, are certainly no strangers to each other. They have been linked many times together on the international party circuit. “Perhaps, this time in Paris, they’ll strike up a romance,” says the source.”

Most dudes aren’t into Mary-Kate Olsen for the same reason they aren’t into child porn, so I’m confused how she manages to convince guys to date her. Even this dork. I imagine $7.3 billion could at least buy you a chick without a training bra. Unless science discovers that Mary-Kate’s vagina is made of silk and honey, I’m struggling to think of a scenario where I’d want her straddling me.

Mary-Kate at the John Galliano fashion show in Paris, March 1st:

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Mary-Kate Olsen is Sick

Mary-Kate Olsen, 21, was rushed to a New York emergency room yesterday, where she was admitted after being diagnosed with a kidney infection. People says:

Mary Kate got a kidney infection,” says rep Nicole Caruso. “She’s resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so.”

Resting comfortably? That’s what they say about you when chemo isn’t working. But I guess these things can happen when you’re an anorexic who loves drugs. That or you can become a model. So if you’re an anorexic, go ahead and give that coke a try. Your dreams could come true!

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Mary-Kate Olsen and Ben Kingsley Swap Spit

“SIR” Ben Kingsley (63) and Mary-Kate Olsen (21) enjoyed what’s been described as a “full on make-out session” while filming a scene for their new movie, The Wackness.

It was a full on make-out session. They locked lips for ages. It was quite cringe-worthy to watch.”

And yet somehow the thought of making out with Mary-Kate Olsen is the gross part of this whole thing. The Olsen Twins are the creepiest looking things I’ve ever seen. Twins in general are just scary. Unless by “twins” you mean “tits,” then they’re not so scary after all. Unless they’re Britney tits, or Deelishis tits, then we’re right back to scary again.

Mary-Creep on August 11th:


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