Kim Kardashian Isn’t Banging Mark Sanchez

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Last week reports surfaced that my imaginary sidepiece, Mark Sanchez, was boning Kim Kardashian on the low. Not so, claims TMZ, because Kim’s done whoring it out to the NFL.

Kim Kardashian isn’t secretly dating Mark Sanchez … she’s not interested in Tim Tebow — in fact, sources tell TMZ, the reality star is completely DONE with football players in general … all thanks to Reggie Bush. In case you haven’t heard — there were reports Kim and Mark were seeing each other on the DL whenever she was in New York. There were other rumors Kim came on to Tim Tebow because of his old-fashioned values. But we’re told … it’s all BS. Sources close to Kim tell us, her break-up with Bush in 2010 was so rough … she has lost her taste for NFL players entirely — and has no plans to play the field in the near future.

Obviously, Kim was too old for him, but I think they actually could have made this work. It only makes sense for a wetback to be into water sports.

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My Gardener Is Not Cheating On Me With This

Todd really likes to make my day by texting me to tell me that Sean Kingston is dead. And that Mark Sanchez is banging Hayden Panettiere. Fortunately, neither wound up being true. Us Weekly says:

Hayden Panettiere hasn’t exactly rebounded from her split with heavyweight boxing champion Wladmir Klitschko.

Though she was recently spotted out with New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, the 21-year-old Scream 4 actress tells Us Weekly the two are simply good friends.

“I swear I’m not dating him at all. Honestly. I’m a huge Jets fan and became very good friends with him and his buddies,” she told Us Thursday at the Vans Custom Culture Event in NYC. “There’s genuinely, absolutely nothing going on. I’ve always been that girl who has a lot of dude friends. I’m into sports so we have a lot in common, but no, definitely 100% not dating.”

The actress added that she and Sanchez, 24, have shared a few laughs over the recent relationship rumors.

“Every person that I stand next to in this industry is a guy I’m going to be linked to — that’s just inevitably the way it goes,” she explained. “When it’s a long-term friendship like that, sometimes it starts getting a little bit frustrating for certain people. You don’t want to put fuel into the fire but you don’t want to stop living your life and doing what you want to do.”

Panettiere promises that when she does find love again, her fans will be the first to know.

“It’s too much energy most of the time to keep it hidden. So when I say we’re just friends, I mean it!” she told Us. “Time will tell if I’m lying, but I’m 100% not! He’s a great dude and he’s a great football player and he’s Jet player, which I love.”

As expected, Hayden is simply too old for Mark Sanchez, and you can’t believe everything Todd says. I just wish I remembered that before I threw away my fake ID that said I was born in 1994. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? A jumper? Pigtails? A Flux Capacitor? God. You ruin EVERYTHING.

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Mark Sanchez Is Great At Making Life Decisions

Although he makes Jess’ dead and dormant vagina tingle, doctors will soon be asking if New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez if his legs tingle, because he apparently is trying to bang Hayden Panettiere. The same Hayden Panettiere who is currently dating this guy, 6’6″ former heavyweight champion and Russian, Wladimir Klitschko. Again, she’s dating this guy. What could go wrong? Page Six reports:

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez really seems to be fond of alluring Hayden Panettiere. The two were spotted Wednesday night at Beacher’s Madhouse in LA, where they shared cocktails and whispered to each other. A witness said, “They were clearly trying to hide their affection. They used their friends as a buffer, but it didn’t work so well.” Panettiere was also seen chatting away with Sanchez at a party in LA in February, and the two partied together with other friends in Vegas two weeks ago….Panettiere is currently in a long-distance relationship with giant Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, and sources insist she’s “just friends” with Sanchez..

This story might not be true because Hayden is over 18, but if it is, Sanchez might want to throw acid in his face and leave the country so nobody will ever be able to recognize him. Because if he doesn’t, I’m pretty sure Klitschko will wear a necklace made out of his spine and fingers while he buttfucks Hayden Panettiere and makes Sanchez watch as his life slowly leaves his body. Or something like that.

The body that launched Mark Sanchez’s vertebrae:

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Mark Sanchez Is Repulsive

As everyone except Jets fans already knew would happen, the Pittsburgh Steelers earned a trip to their second Superbowl in three years by completely dismantling a team who would rather talk about how they will win instead of actually winning. That team would, of course, be the New York Jets. And during the game last night, the Jets quarterback, Mark Sanchez, picked his nose on live television and wiped it on his teammate. If Rex Ryan wasn’t stress eating Moon Pies or sniffing his wife’s feet right now, he’d probably say that Mark Sanchez has his full confidence when it comes to picking boogers then wiping them on people.

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